Amson, 17, "Myself"

'I've had enough.' I told myself. "I'm done living this lie."

For my entire time at Butcher Cross, I'd done nothing but suck up to everyone, agree with everyone, and take shit from everyone. I'd had enough, and staring at my ceiling only made me hate the bitch I'd allowed myself to become, a personality built only by the expectations set upon me. No matter who it was, the liar would absorb the blow and assess, learning with each passing encounter or worthless event.

I'd become able to read people solely by how the liar perceived them.

Yet the mind, hidden behind the layers built by my own ignorant desire to become someone-- something other than what I am, is a shell that protects nothing but itself, ensures its own needs, and does what the hell he wants. It took the absence of my phone to reveal to me that I was hollow, and there was no reason for hiding who I was.

"Be yourself." They say, but when I am, they shun me, silence me, and contain me. Had I had it my way, I would wreak havoc; one need not object beneath the heel of goliath. I was done eating the shit from their shoes.

I would be my purest self.

I finally sat up, growing bored of staring into the barren ceiling. With the enthusiasm, the caution, and the anticipation gone, there was little to distract me anymore. No energy wasted and no ends needing to be met. Even if there were, there would be no haste in doing so. All of the control was in the palm of my hand-- rather, my mind.

God's beautiful freedom of choice.

Climbing from my bed, I donned my grey sneakers, the shoes I'd never part from. They were comfortable, as were all of my clothing. My white tank top, grey zipper jacket and sweats were right there to grab, taking only a second to piece together the attire I wore the majority of the time. I assembled them but didn't put them on in preparation for bathing.

I took my first step from the bed, but something told me to go back, pulling at me from the inside. I shrugged off the feeling, eventually arriving at the door with no ease. I opened it.

The hallway was quiet, much quieter than I'd gotten used to over the week. No loud music, no snake down my neck, and most of all, no brat nagging me throughout. It was almost too good to be true...

My shower was uneventful, as was my daily encounter with the mirror. This time, I felt just about nothing looking at myself. Looking at him, I thought, "He's me." Nothing more. I brushed my teeth, fixed my hair, and allowed myself to dry more thoroughly. Once done, I turned toward the door then back to the mirror.

I was still me.

The house was lifeless; I never thought I'd be more at ease hearing her constant wailing. I was uneasy without hearing a single peep from her. It was way too out of character. I passed by her room, preparing to go downstairs, but something pulled me toward the door. I gave into the instinct, opening the door only to find her room as utterly destroyed as I'd imagine it'd be any day.

It was almost as if Lore'd disappeared, leaving her pets behind. That spider wouldn't leave a single eye closed with me in the room, and the snake was as hyperactive as ever with me around. Nothing unusual there. I closed the door behind myself, going down the stairs to see the same empty site.

Ground floor to the barren.

No food waiting and no evidence that anyone'd even been there to begin with... I think you get the point.

'I guess I'll bike this time around.' I thought, nonchalant.

I walked toward the door, but as I grasped the knob, I stopped. It'd be much easier to stay home, and given that Baun wouldn't be getting a call anytime soon and, in any event, Lore was off the list, I would be stranded there anyway. I'd be lucky to make it to school before fourth period. The thought lingered, but something brought me to open the door and walk through.

The sound of a running engine shook my ears, and I stood in front of the door, estranged. It was Lore's, and that was none other than her in the driver's seat, tapping the wheel to something I couldn't hope to hear from where I stood. I approached my bike, but suddenly, her window lowered, and she yelled from inside.

"The hell're you holding us up for?" She sighed. "Hop shotgun, Am."

///

'What's gotten into her?' I thought, glancing at Lore as she sat in the driver's seat.

She subtly rocked at the wheel, as if some unheard, unplayed tune lie trapped within the confines of her mind. It struck me in a strange fashion; she'd never done something so... nice before. There'd be no reason to be mad at her for the gesture, but all the same, I couldn't help but be suspicious.

What was she plotting?

I squinted my eyes, looking into her untainted smile, no lipstick. If that wasn't weird enough, she wore lounging wear, a baggy shirt and sweats, similar to my own usual fit. Her hair was unkept, but not so unkept that it was any wilder than it usually was. Why was I thinking so hard into this?

'I'm thinking way too hard into this.' I sighed, looking back toward the window.

The inside of her car was quiet for a while, no conversation with maybe a peep of Lore's offbeat humming. I tried to ignore it, losing myself to thought as we passed through the woods toward the city. It'd still take us a while to get there, but we had a decent start, better than most of my rides with Baun.

Her car was trashy, but the passenger seat was spotless in comparison, though not perfect by any means, either. Did something happen?

"Why're you doing this?" I asked, cutting through the silence.

Lore took a second to respond.

"What do you mean?" She asked, her genuine tone surprising me.

"This is the first day you cared to bring me to school. I thought it'd be obvious, even for you. Did something happen?"

"Nothing's happened. Since your phone's gone, I just thought I'd bring you."

"Alright... Thanks."

"No problem."

Again, the car was left silent, nearly as soon as the conversation had started. I tried to bring my attention back to the window, but something told me to look elsewhere. Lore's smile was even grander, taking up the majority of her face. Something'd gotten her into a good mood; I don't believe that bullshit.

"You're 'bout to be the host of one hell of a party, Am." Lore whispered. "Just you wait."