Memories of Ambivalence

I stared at the locked train door, tears forming in my eyes, as well as anger rising over me at the same time. I started to mutter curses to Keok under my breath.

I looked over my shoulder to see the zombies not far behind me. I shut my eyes tightly, expecting the worst to happen. I prayed to the lord that a miracle would happen.

Just then, I heard Keoks voice in my head — a recollection of what he had said to me earlier today.

His voice was barely audible, but it was audible enough for me to hear him.

"This is the third time something so disastrous has happened! We would've been a better group without you! Because of you, our group has been in dangerous situations several times, half of us almost dying!"

"You know what I think? We should form a new group with me as the leader. I'd be better, and way safer as the group leader. Who agrees?"

I could remember the grin he had on his face, sharp and taunting.

I could remember how furious it had made me, and that furiousness was coming back to me.

My hands clenched into a fist and I wanted to punch Keok, forgetting about the zombies behind me.

My anger had gotten the best of me and I hit the train door, making a small dent in it.

However, my hand didn't hurt — not even after punching the steel train door a second time.

At that very moment, I heard an explainable noise. I quickly turned around and saw the entire mob of zombies turn into, possibly, killing machines.

They grew, at the bare minimum, nine feet tall — some phasing through or making dents in the ceiling, showcasing the sharp claws and sharp teeth they had gained. Some grew sharp tentacles, some grew additional eyes, but all of them suddenly turned much more feral.

I watched, petrified, as they altered their looks and powers.

I knew I would die, but I hadn't thought I'd die like this. I was expecting a simple, straightforward death. Considering even how tall the zombies now were, I could tell I was going to be on a non-ending roller coaster ride of agony.

To make matters even worse, the train seemed like it was about to collapse any minute, so the nine foot creatures were going to have to kill me soon or else we'd all be dead.

I took a deep breath and merely waited for the crowd of black silhouettes to devour me, rip me apart, or stab me to death with their tentacles.

But, surprisingly, nothing happened. The silence got louder and louder until I couldn't even focus on my own thoughts, and the zombies — if they were even zombies anymore — just stared intently.

Nervously, I took a step or two to the side.

The nine foot tall creatures didn't move physically, but their red eyes followed my movements.

I ran, using as much stamina I had left, to the other train door, the one where the normal zombies had come in from.

Trying not to step on any of the sleeping bags on the floor or bump into any dusty rows of chairs on the sides, I hastily exited the train.

The wind was cold, but I barely felt it. I was running as fast and far away as I could from that train.

Phew!

Eventually, I stopped running and looked back. Thankfully, I didn't see any black shadows with sharp tentacles, sharp teeth, sharp claws, or extra eyes beaming red.

I sighed, finally getting some air as I viewed my surroundings.

Not long after, just like before, I perceived another recollection in my head. This time it was Lucy. It was the last thing she said to me before she signed me up for death.

"I'm sorry…"

Just like before, I could remember her guilty face, her eyes making it feel like she was about to cry, her tone filled with pain and remorse.

I had ignored these "recollections" before, not thinking much about them, but now they came back.

Where did these recollections come from? Why were they reminding me of memories that made me so enraged or sorrowful?

However, reliving past memories somehow eased my fragility, but it also made me feel more capable of doing anything and everything.