Chapter 31

Brittany remembered very clearly the night when she decided that she would do anything for Santana. It was relatively early in their friendship, and Santana was staying over at her house for the first time. She had been so excited that she got her mother to make a whole range of food and snacks, she'd bought five new dvds that she thought Santana would like, she'd cleaned her room, and even changed her sheets. It was strange because they'd seen each other at school that very day, and Brittany had been fine. Excited, but fine. By five PM however, thirty minutes before Santana was supposed to arrive, she was a huge bundle of nerves, and she couldn't understand why. Her heart was beating rapidly in her chest and she could not focus on anything her parents were telling her. In fact, for the first time in her life Brittany felt like telling her parents to just shut up. She wanted to sit in silence and contemplate her nervous state, but they wouldn't let her. Partly to settle herself and partly to get away from her father's relentless jokes, Brittany kept standing up and walking around the house. She went to the bathroom a couple of times and stared at herself in the mirror, while other times she would walk to her room and look around, trying to see it how Santana would see it. It was on one of these times, as she stared at her bed covers, wondering if she should change them, when Santana arrived. As soon as the doorbell rang, Brittany sped out of her room and thundered down the stairs, reaching the door just as her mother did.

"Britt-B calm down honey" her mother said, laughing. Brittany ignored her, bouncing on the balls of her feet and barely able to contain herself.

"Open the door mum" she urged her mother, who was still looking at her in amusement. Susan shook her head, still laughing, and pulled open the door. Santana was standing, body facing the door, but head turned back, talking to someone. When she heard the door open she spun back around, nearly dropping the duffle bag she was carrying, and smiled brightly as she saw Brittany standing there. The pure joy in her eyes stunned Brittany. She had been expecting Santana to be as nervous as she was, to feel awkward around her parents, or wonder how she was supposed to behave in Brittany's house at night, but she wasn't. Instead she beamed at Brittany's mum, greeting her cheerfully with a hug, and thanking her for having her over for the night. She also said that her mother said thanks as well, but the way her eyes darted momentarily away from Brittany's mum as she said it made Brittany suspect that this wasn't actually true. When her mum finally stepped aside, Santana pulled Brittany into a fierce hug that both thrilled and confused her. They had seen each other only two hours before, so why was Santana hugging her like they hadn't seen each other for years.

"Hi B" she breathed into Brittany's hair, and Brittany felt tingles run over her entire body, washing away all of the anxiety she had been feeling over the sleepover.

"Hi" she said back, hoping her voice carried the same happiness.

Ashley's shouts and valiant attempts to free herself from her father's grasp made them pull apart laughing, and Brittany took Santana's bag from her and pulled her into the living room where her father and sister were. Throughout the rest of the evening, Brittany watched Santana closely for any sign that she wasn't enjoying herself, or that she needed a break from her family's relentless attention, but no such sign presented itself. Santana seemed genuinely happy as she danced around the room with a four year old Ashley, as she laughed at Pierce's jokes, and as she helped Susan wash up the dishes after dinner. It was actually Brittany who decided that they had spent enough time in her family's company, and with a meaningful look to Santana that told her not to contradict her, she informed her parents that she and Santana had had a long day at school, and needed to go to bed.

There was no awkwardness as they changed into the pyjamas, though as Brittany pulled on her sleep shorts she could not understand why she had expected there to be any. They changed in front of each other every day after cheerleading practice after all. Finally, they both slipped under the covers of Brittany's bed and for the first time, there was silence. Santana lay on her back, looking up at the ceiling, and Brittany lay on her side, watching Santana. She still looked happy, but there was a shadow of something else there. Brittany had long learned that asking Santana direct question about something she didn't want to talk about was not likely to get her anywhere, but there was something about lying together in the darkness that seemed to embolden her. As Santana shut her eyes slowly, Brittany dove in.

"Santana?" she whispered.

"Yeah?" Santana asked without opening her eyes. Brittany was silent for a while, wondering how best to ask her questions.

"Are you okay?"

Santana's brow twitched, but then went back to normal so quickly that Brittany couldn't be sure she had actually seen it move. Santana didn't answer immediately, and her breathing had stopped. She was holding her breath. Brittany tried to breathe as quietly as possible, not wanting anything to spoil what she thought was going to be the first honest answer she had ever received to that question from Santana. Finally Santana let out the breath she was holding and turned onto her side with her eyes still closed.

"I am" she said quietly. Brittany didn't speak, she knew there was more Santana wanted to say. Sure enough, seconds later Santana spoke again.

"I wasn't earlier though"

"Why not?" Brittany asked, still whispering.

"My parents…" Santana pause and bit her bottom lip. "My dad called to say he was going out of town for the rest of the week, and my mum wasn't happy about it because he was supposed to stay home with me. My mum's going away for two weeks." Brittany was silent for a while as she thought. There was something deeper in what Santana was telling her, and she needed to understand what it was before she asked a stupid question and ended the conversation before it had properly started. Santana didn't speak either, nor did she open her eyes. Her fingers were tracing absently on her lips and around her mouth as she too seemed to be thinking.

"Who dropped you here?" Brittany finally asked, because when Santana had arrived she had been talking, happily it seemed, to someone in a car.

"Robert" Santana said. Brittany nodded. She always loved how close Santana and her driver were, but as she thought about it now, it probably wasn't a good sign.

"So are you going to stay with your abuela all week then?"

Santana's brow twitched again, and she shook her head.

"Why not?"

"I always stay in the house by myself when they go."

Brittany frowned in confusion. Santana had just turned 14. How could it be possible that her parents allowed her to stay in the house alone for a week? As if sensing Brittany's confusion, for her eyes were still closed, Santana elaborated.

"They get the cook to stay over, I have the driver to take me wherever I need to go, and there's the maid who comes like…twice a week. When they're gone she comes everyday….even though she really doesn't need to" she added under her breath.

"But why don't you just go to your abuela's?" Brittany asked, still confused.

"I don't need to Britt. I'm fine in the house."

"Alone?" The word left Brittany's lips as barely a whisper. Santana bit her lip again.

"It's not much different when they're around so…" she shrugged. Brittany felt a sharp pain in her chest. She shifted closer to Santana, and they lay in silence for a few minutes.

"Yes it is" Brittany finally said, and she didn't need to elaborate. She watched the small nod Santana gave as she bit her bottom lip harder to keep from crying, and knew she was right. Santana may pretend that she's used to being alone, but nobody their age could be used to being alone. She understood now, that it was not their being away that Santana hated, but their coming back. When they were away she could tell herself that they cared more than they let on, they just had very important jobs. When they were at home and ignored her, there was no way to make any excuses.

"They always say they'll call" Santana said. Her voice was deathly quiet, almost like she didn't want to hear her own words. "First they say they'll never both be gone at the same time again, then when it happens, they tell me how they'll call all the time to make sure I'm ok."

They were silent again, this time because Brittany just didn't know what to say. She was spared the necessity though, when Santana continued speaking.

"Usually when they come back I get pretty cool gifts though." She was trying to sound like this was funny, or even just amusing, but it came out as what it really was. Disappointing.

For the first time Brittany truly understood Santana. She understood why she was always so mean to people at school, and why no one seemed to know how funny or goofy she was, how smart. They didn't know, because they had never seen it. She had never allowed people to get close enough to her to find out these things about her. It was also why she was so mean. People rarely want to get to know someone who was always so consistently cruel. Brittany's heart broke for Santana as she saw for the first time just how sad she actually was. How scared she was that everyone in her life would turn out to be as disappointing as her parents were. In that moment, Brittany resolved to be that constant pillar that Santana didn't think possible. She decided to never break a single promise, to never act or speak without thinking about how it would make Santana feel, and most of all, to never allow Santana to be alone, no matter how much she pretended she didn't care. She knew, that she would do anything for this beautifully strong girl, who was fighting so hard not to be consumed by anger at her parents, or loneliness. This wonderful person who felt things so deeply that she had to shut everyone out just to survive.

She shuffled so close to Santana that she could feel her breath on her face, and put her arm around her waist. Santana's eyes snapped open and she gazed into Brittany's.

"I'll always call" Brittany whispered. Santana looked confused for a second, then understanding washed over her and she blinked rapidly as tears pooled in her eyes. Brittany pulled her closer still, and tucked her head into her neck, rubbing her hand up and down her back.

"I promise I'll always call"

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Santana was lying flat on her back on the cream carpet in their newly furnished living room. She was drifting on the edge of sleep, never really succumbing to it, but not fully awake either. She had long since lost track of how long she had been lying there, but she knew it was a really long time. She wanted to open her eyes to check her phone, but she didn't know where it was, and the thought of moving at all to look for it frightened her. So instead, she continued to lie still. Finally, what felt like hours later, Brittany came down the stairs.

"Santa-"

"Shhhh" Santana hissed. As soon as the sound left her mouth, she opened her eyes and held her breath. Several seconds later she sighed, closing her eyes again. Brittany moved silently to her side and crouched down so she was closer to her face.

"What are you doing?"

Santana lifted an arm slowly and pointed at her stomach.

"It's been hours." Brittany said as she kneeled down.

"Every time I move he wakes up."

"But it's been hours."

"Exactly. Yet every time I move he wakes up."

"You can't keep letting him take you hostage like this"

"I want him to sleep as long as possible. If that means I have to lie on the floor all night every night then that's what I'll have to do"

Brittany smiled into the darkness. She always knew Santana would be an amazing mother, but this was a downside she had not foreseen. Santana seemed to think that taking care of herself meant being a mediocre parent. She was sleeping less and less as the weeks went on, and burying herself in books or online articles about introducing solid food to babies, and the best ways to deal with teething. Jesús was having a particularly rough time with teething, and it was making him cranky and clingy. He hated being put down and he hated sleeping in the crib. Every night was a long fight to get him to sleep, and when he finally did, trying to move him was a sure way to wake him up again. Brittany had decided that maybe it was time for them to let him learn how to sooth himself, but that of course meant hearing him cry and not going to pick him up, and Santana had not even lasted five minutes. Tonight was the third night in a row when Santana had not yet come to bed by three AM, and Brittany was getting seriously worried.

"Santana" she said slowly, brushing some of Santana's hair off her face. "You can't do that"

"I am doing it"

"No I mean…you shouldn't"

"Britt if you're going to tell me about my own health again, let me just stop you there."

"Baby…we're raising twins. We need to be as healthy as we can if we're going to survive."

"I am healthy. I'm only 24. My body is built to survive less amounts of sleep."

"No it isn't. And it isn't just about the sleep." Brittany moved quickly, lifting Jesús from Santana's stomach and laying him on her own chest. Santana sat bolt upright, but remained silent, watching to see if he would wake up. He stirred, opening his eyes once, but they closed quickly and he lay his head down on Brittany's shoulder, fast asleep. When she was sure he was asleep, Brittany stood up and walked up the stairs and out of the room. Santana sat for a few minutes, listening to Brittany climbing the stars and into the twins' room. When there were no cries, she dragged herself onto the closest couch and closed her eyes.

"Santana" Brittany's voice called from feet away, making her jump to her feet.

"When did you come down?"

"It's been an hour since I took him up."

"An hour?"

"Yeah. Listen, tomorrow I'm taking the boys to Quinn's."

"Ok" Santana said, sitting back down. She glanced around for her phone and spotted it on the floor below the tv.

"It's almost 5:30 AM, so Kyler should be up in an hour or so."

Santana nodded numbly, closing her stinging eyes and trying to ignore the headache.

"I'll just go take a long shower then, it'll wake me up."

Brittany sat down next to her and rubbed her back. "No you won't."

"Why?" Santana asked.

"Because you're going to go straight to bed."

"There's no point sleeping for an hour. It'll just make me feel worse."

"You're going to sleep for the whole day."

"But we're going to Quinn's"

"No, I'm going to Quinn's. You're staying here and sleeping."

"Britt, I can't"

"Why not? I'll deal with Jesús, Quinn will love playing with Kyler all day, and we'll be fine."

"I know you'll be fine but-"

"You don't think I can take care of Jesús as well as you?"

Santana sat up straighter and opened her eyes, frowning. "Brittany how can you say that. Of course I don't think that."

"Then why I are you torturing yourself like this? Why won't you let me help you?"

"Because I know I'm being crazy. I know I don't need to be lying on the floor all through the night so he can sleep, but I just can't help it, and I don't want my crazy to affect you too. Just cause I'm forcing myself to be tired doesn't mean I should take away your sleep too."

"But Santana, do you really think I'm lying in our bed getting a good night's sleep while my wife is on the floor in the living room, or walking aimlessly around the house for hours trying to calm down my crying son?" Santana was quiet. "I hate seeing you like this baby. You're tired and you're stressed, and you're in pain."

"I'm not in pain"

"You have a headache all the time don't you?" Santana nodded. "And I bet your lack of appetite is because of all the coffee you're drinking. Babe this isn't okay, and it can't go on. You're going to get sick, or have some kind of mental breakdown, I read about it on the internet. And then you'll have to be hospitalized, and what good will you be to the boys then?"

Santana looked at Brittany with a softer expression now. "I'm fine Britt. Nothing is going to happen to me."

Brittany stood up and folded her arms over her chest, glaring at Santana.

"First of all, you don't know that." She held up a finger as Santana opened her mouth to protest. "Second of all, that's not the point. I will not allow you to continue the way you are. Tomorrow you're going to stay at home and sleep, or else I'm going to call your mum."

Santana's eyes widened in shock, then her lips curled in a small smile. "Alright. Alright. No need to be so hasty."

"So you're going to sleep?"

Santana clenched her jaw and hesitated for a moment, then she nodded. "Yeah ok."

"Pinkie promise" Brittany said, holding out her pinkie. Santana sighed heavily, seeing no way out, and held out her pinkie for Brittany to link with. "You promise that you're going to stay in bed until at least 2 PM, eat something filling and not drink more than three cups of coffee?"

"Woah…when did we talk about coffee?" Santana said, attempting to pull her pinkie away. Brittany narrowed her eyes menacingly, and once again Santana sighed in defeat.

"Yeah I promise."

Brittany unlinked their pinkies and smiled in triumph. Santana didn't smile.

"Who would have thought you'd be so upset about getting to sleep in?" Brittany joked, kissing the frown on Santana's face. "You'll be in a better mood tomorrow after some rest mi amor."

Despite her displeasure, Santana couldn't help but smile at Brittany using Spanish to try and soften her up.

"Tu esperanza" she said, standing up and stretching.

"I really do." Brittany said seriously. "I love Jesús with all my heart, but I won't let him bully my wife"

"My mum always said she hoped I have kids twice as bad as me. Looks like she got her wish"

Brittany laughed gently and shook her head, pulling Santana with her up the stairs and into their bedroom.

As soon as Santana's body hit the bed, she seemed to sink into it, her eyes closed and she fell instantly asleep. At some point later on, she was momentarily woken up by a baby's cry, but it didn't go on for long, and she soon found herself asleep again. When she woke up again, the first thing she registered was the silence. It had been months since she had woken up to silence. Even if there were no cries, there was usually the loud babbling and shrieking, the music of the many children's shows that her sons liked, or Brittany's talking or singing. It was strange for her to wake up therefore, to nothing. It felt oddly empty. She lay in bed for a while, wondering why she felt so strange…so different. It was a moment before she realised that what she was feeling, was stillness. She wasn't shaking, as she had been doing for days, nor was she clenching her fists or jaws. She was relaxed and able to think. No headache clouded her mind, or her vision. She smiled to herself, thinking she owed Brittany a romantic getaway. Only now that she was rested did she realise how horrible she had been feeling before, and she wondered what she must have looked like on the outside.

She rolled over lazily and stretched, yawning widely. It felt like she had been asleep for days, but it was still light outside, so it couldn't be that long. She thought about going back to sleep, but her phone ringing from under her pillow changed her mind.

She smiled at the phone as she looked at a picture of Brittany and answered.

"Hey my genius wife" she said. Brittany laughed.

"Never forget it again" Brittany said. "How are you feeling?"

"So much better. I didn't even realise how bad it was."

"I know" Brittany said, and Santana could tell she was smiling. "Have you eaten?"

"No. I just woke up"

"Oh no did I wake you?" Brittany asked, sounding worried.

"No. I was already awake. I don't know what I'm gonna eat though, I don't really feel like eating."

"Hmm…well you could always come over here. Quinn's cooked up something like a late lunch."

"What do you mean something like?"

"Well…it's more like brunch if you ask me, but she says it's late lunch"

"Sounds like fun."

"It looks good though. You know Quinn loves cooking. She's been getting really good."

"Yeah. Maybe I will. How are the boys?"

"They've actually been really good. Jesús has been really sleepy, but he hasn't been as against taking naps as he has been all week."

"That's excellent. I'm so happy."

"I think sleeping for most of last night really helped S, so it's all thanks to you."

Santana didn't say anything. She wasn't sure how convinced she was that what Brittany said was true, but it was a hopeful thought, so she would let her have it.

"They miss you" Brittany said.

"Did they tell you that?" Santana said, laughing and getting out of bed.

"They both keep looking around, and I swear Kyler said Mami"

"No he didn't" Santana said, laughing louder. "He's six months old"

"Maybe he's a genius" Brittany said, and Santana could hear the pout.

"Maybe" she said, feeling, not for the first time since she met Brittany, that there was no possible way Brittany could be any purer.

"I miss you" Brittany said, pulling her from her thoughts. Santana smiled. She and Brittany spent all day together, every single day, yet neither she nor Brittany seemed to want any space. What they had said in their vows was still true. They were each other's favourite people in the world, and they would spend every second of the rest of their lives in each other's company if they could. Santana had just woken up, but she had to admit that she missed Brittany too. She missed waking up with her body next to hers, she missed the good morning kiss she always got, and she missed the feeling of peace that seemed to fill her every time Brittany looked at her and smiled. The silence and emptiness of the house was now not just weird, but impossible.

"I miss you too B" She said, unable to hide a smile.

"Then why are you still at home silly?" Brittany said, a teasing note in her voice.

"Cause I'm an idiot?" Santana said, walking to the bathroom. "I'll be there in thirty minutes."