Chapter 5

Chapter 5

I thought I was dead. But isn't death supposed to be a numb? Why am I in so much pain? I wanted to open my eyes but couldn't. I could hear the steady beeping of the heart monitor which was slowly fading. I slipped again out of consciousness. I tried very hard to stay alive but I gave up when it continued happening. I lost all will to survive. I wanted to join my mom.

"No one really loves me anyway"

"I'm a failure"

"I can't even succeed in getting my father's love"

"I'm a mess"

"Nobody wants me"

"I'm useless"

"My dad hates me"

"Nobody wants me"

"I'm ugly"

"The only thing I'm good at is making people hate me"

"No one will care whether I'm alive or not"

"I'm better off dead"

"I'm not needed anywhere"

"My birth was a mistake"

"I'm an accident"

"I deserve to die"

"I'm bad luck"

"I can't do anything right"

"I can only seek love but not be loved"

I was half-conscious and could hear the beeping of the heart monitor slowing down. "This is it. I'm finally going to die". "No one will miss me"

I was finally letting everything I had been keeping inside me out. The thoughts that had been destroying me since I was eleven years old. That was five years ago. The sixth year my mom's remembrance

Five years ago

I sat in my room hunched up on the floor crying because of my mom. I had already changed my clothes to go to the cemetery with my dad.

Earlier that day

We were eating breakfast silently until my dad broke the silence.

"I'm leaving today"

"Today?"

"Yes"

"But I thought we were going to visit mom"

"Gertrude will take you"

"You've not seen me in six years and you spent one day with me. Now you're leaving?"

"Yes" His face was expressionless>

"Dad, please go with me"

"No"

"I'm your daughter, not one of your subordinate"

"I know"

"How can you be so heartless" He glared angrily at me.

"Did you even love her?"

"Watch your tongue miss"

"Or what?"

"Now listen!" He banged the table angrily. I gasped.

"Dad?" He never raised his voice at me.

"I'm sorry" I ran inside and cried.

'He didn't love her'

A little while later, I began to feel guilty and went back to apologize to him before he left. However, I heard him on the phone with someone and I paused and listened to their conversation. He was really mas.

"She's too difficult to reason with"

A pause

"What do you expect me to do?"

A pause

"She's already eleven but she's still being a cry baby about it"

A pause

"We both know I didn't want to keep her. She's a liability to me"

A pause

"I wish I didn't meet Martina and her daughter is making life miserable for me. I can't even stand being in the same room with her"

A pause

"She should have died the day she was born"

A pause

"Yeah, but I give her everything she wants and she's still demanding"

A pause

"She's just like her mother, another annoying ugly creature"

A pause. He sighed

"Alright. I'm all packed up. I'll see you when I get there. I love you. Bye"

I heard it all. My dad really hates me and he has a mistress. I didn't know when he came out and saw me standing there.

"What are you doing here?"

I looked up at him. I didn't want to believe anything but I knew what I heard. It was so clear and kept replaying itself in my head.

"Did you hear me?"

All I ever wanted was to please him but it was for nothing. He swore on my mother's grave not to be involved with any woman again but he broke his promise.

"I hate you!" I screamed in his face and ran but he caught me at the top of the stairs

"You little devil…"

"I have a name you monster!" He squinted like he couldn't believe me and roughly shook me.

"Let me go! You're a demon! I hate you!"

He hit me with back of his hand, making me fall down the stairs. I hit my head several times and stopped at the landing. My left arm was broken and I was on the verge of collapsing. He roughly grabbed me. He held me by my neck and pinned me against the wall. I tried scratching his arm but it didn't work. My head was bleeding and I was in excruciating pain. I could only beg.

"Dad…please" Blood was spurting out of my mouth, staining his clothes and face. His grip on my neck only tightened. I was slowly fading out and remembered the last words that crossed my lips. "Mom, help me"

I was in the hospital when I saw my mum sitting by an oak tree. "Mom!" I called to her. She turned around and smiled but I could see the sadness in her eyes. I moved close. "Don't come any closer" she warned.

"Mom?"

"I'm sorry I couldn't protect you"

"Mom, you don't have to say that"

"I'm sorry"

"Mom"

"I'm sorry"

I rushed to her but she faded away as soon as I got to her.

"Mom?" I was all silent.

"Mom"

I sat there and cried. Since that day, I'd wanted to kill myself

Flashback ends

I saw my mom again. Seems like she likes the hospital. "April" she smiled but there was still sadness in it.

"Mom" I was scared of moving close so that she won't disappear like the last time. I really wanted to hug her.

"I'm sorry I can't be here for you"

"Mom please"

"I can't bear seeing you suffer and I can't do anything about it"

"Mom, don't say that it will end soon"

"End?"

"I don't want to continue living with someone who'd rather have me dead"

"April, your dad loves you"

"He doesn't and we both know that"

With that, she kept quiet

"I miss you mom"

"I know, me too. I love you"

"I want to be with you now"

"No, don't say that. You're better off there"

"I'm not mom. Everyone hates me"

"I love you"

"But you're not here "

"I'm sorry April"

"Mom..."

"Please, I don't want you here. Go back "

"Mom?"

"I'll always be with you "

"But mom …."

"Please, April, just listen to me. I'll protect you no matter what "She faded away

I was back in the hospital, still unconscious but this time, I felt I wasn't alone. I woke up in mid-afternoon and heard the door of my ward close .My right eye was closed shut and my left eye hurt but I still turned and saw Sean. I was happy but it only lasted a little while because I remembered he is the reason I was in hospital.

"You woke up" I was only staring at him. "I'm really sorry for what happened" He was loosely watching my face for a change in expression but I wasn't going to give him that.

"Uhm…Riley needs bails" I couldn't believe him.

"The school… Uhm, your Nan lodged a complaint and said she's only going to withdraw it on your consent" I kept mute.

"I'm pretty sure Riley didn't mean it .You know she's hot tempered. It's not exactly her fault "

"Not her fault?! Excuse me but in case you haven't noticed, I'm in hospital "

"She is really sorry for what she's done, really. And if she's not bailed in a week, she might go to prison"

"Let her rot in jail "

I turned to the other side. I was jealous because I wished he was mine and angry because he only wanted to use me. Riley deserved what she got."

I decided I wasn't going to be weak anymore. People saw me as stupid because I was nice. But not anymore. I decided to change I wasn't going to take anymore. I decided to change I wasn't going to take anymore dissing from people.

I slept and forgot about it, I woke up a few hours to dusk. Even after sleeping for such a long time, I was still tired. I was still tired. I was slightly amazed.

It was hard getting the word out because I had not drank water in a very long time .I started coughing. But he quickly stood up and poured me a glass of water. He was about to hand it over to me. I looked at him in a weird way because my hands were in cast with only my fingers shouting.

"If you don't mind"

I nodded. He gently held the back of my head the cup to my lips. I kept looking at him and didn't know when I stopped swallowing. The water spilled on the blanket and my face.

"I'm so sorry"

He took a wiper and slowly wiped the water off my jaw. I still kept looking at him. While he was wiping the blanket he said "Why do you keep staring at me?" He looked up.

"If you want me to leave, I will"

I didn't want to answer that question. I saw a pillow on the couch in my ward. "Did someone sleep here last night?" He put the pillow away.

"Yes"

"Who?"

"Someone who cares" I got a little hopeful and asked, "Sean?"

"You will get a sore throat if you keep talking" He rang the bell by my side. A doctor and a nurse came in and examined me before leaving. I couldn't do anything because of my casts. They left shortly after.

"What did you tell them to allow you in and sleep here?"

"How sure are you that I'm the one?"

"This entire room is filled with your scent"

I closed my eyes but he didn't answer.

"Where is me nan?"

"She'll be here soon. I already called her"

Days went by and my class and school mates started visiting. They seemed happy to know I was still alive. Soon, my ward was filled with balloons, cards and bears.

My Nan kept fussing all over me. Naomi and Norma did their best to cheer me up. It worked a little but nothing helped the fact that my hands were still in casts and people had to help me with everything I needed done.

He never left my side and I grew suspicious.

"Why are you here?"

"I'm leaving tomorrow"

"No I meant since I woke up you've been caring for me"

"I'm just cleaning up after someone's mess"

"Oh"

My arm started itching but I couldn't do anything I tried moving it but it didn't work.

"What are you doing?"

"My arm is itchy" I continued trying to scratch it. He didn't do anything.

"Help me out there"

"What do you want me to do?"

"So mean" My stomach growled. I looked at him. He deliberately looked away. He made himself busy. When I saw he wasn't going to answer, "Ow, my tummy hurts" he didn't reply. "It feels like it's on fire. Can you come here?"

He did and before I knew, he pushed the button by my bedside.

A nurse came in.

"What's the problem miss?"

"She has a bellyache"

"Might be a side-effect of the medication"

A doctor followed and I was examined all over again and my prescription was changed. I didn't want to talk to him but he did everything for me so it wasn't possible.

"Aren't you worried about classes you're missing?"

"I can catch up"

"Why do you even care about me?"

"You love asking questions, don't you?"

"You're changing the topic"

"I'm not"

"You are"

"Hungry?"

I didn't want to answer because he had been avoiding that question but I was so hungry.

"Why are you changing the topic?"

"No"

"You need to be starved"

"Starved?! Why"

"You talk too much"

"I don't" I mumbled

"And you're adding weight"

"I am?"

"The doctor said your casts will be removed tomorrow, so you'll be able to do things yourself"

"Finally"

"I'll be leaving then"

"Why?"

"I need to go back to school"

"Oh" I mumbled some inaudible things that even I didn't understand

"You really need a mirror"

"Are you mocking me?"

"You look awful"

"I do?" My dad always said that to me my facial expression changed.

"Does he really mean it?"

"Can't you take a joke? I'm sorry"

"Oh, a joke"

"I didn't mean it"

"Yeah, I know"

Sean visited again and he left us.

"How are you now?"

"I'm good"

I was extremely happy he came to visit again. Turns out, he's a really fun guy to be with. In the middle of our conversation, my dad came in and my mood was totally destroyed. When he saw Sean, he gave me a questioning look. Sean got the hint and left.

"Bye April"

"Yeah" I turned to my dad

"You seem okay", He said

"Is this man blind or something?"

"What were you expecting?" He didn't reply

"Why are you here?"

"Can't I care about my daughter?"

"Oh please"

We both knew the conversation was going nowhere.

"I have a business to finish up here so I'll be staying for the week"

"It's not like you need my permission. It's your house isn't it?"

"Good bye" He left

I was hoping he would show a little compassion but I was wrong. He was just as heartless as the last time we met. The casts were removed, he left, and I was allowed to go home after five days. My dad was around to pick me up which was a surprise. Some of my classmates also visited the day I was leaving, and were shocked when they saw my dad.