My thoughts

My Thoughts

Friday February 1949 ...

I am much better for being here and smelling of sweat, than being perfumed and with my mind filled with lies...

I have become a good worker.

I am happy and proud about that.

From my childhood i wanted to be excellent in everything.

This is my attitude.

This is myself.

They started to even give me some break's more.

Often i am several steps ahead of the other girls when we package the herbs and seeds.

I am started to become good at it.

Even the other girls jealousy started to spread words behind my back.

I am sure about that.

I can't speak Spanish but i can understand the conversations from other ways ...

I am sure that i was the the "good girl "for them , the tool for everything that please the " her masters " as i heard from a conversation that two of them had near by.

I understood in Spanish in a certain degree now but they didn't know it.

They also said and other things that i am too angry and ashamed to write here.

What a disgusting behaviour from them !

I spend more and more time alone now.

I learned to embrace my loneliness.

I feel that the guards were beginning to trust me more and every day !

I earned that very difficult.

And now some of them approached me without hesitation and we started to chat a little bit.

Even though they still punishing me sometimes, they let me accompanied the guards that transported with wagons the product sacks to the nearby small villages.

Just for company.

During the first years I used to cry to sleep every night, in despair over my hopeless situation.

Then one night I woke up early.

Very early.

I looked the dark room around me and saw the wooden walls and floor and my own chained feet with new eyes.

I asked myself: Maybe this was my secret fate from the beginning in the world ?

For too long I had wanted to return to freedom, but maybe I was born to be here?

Monday morning July of 1949

One of the guards, Diego, is not as bad as the others.

The other guards wake us up shouting threats !

He is different.

He wakes me five minutes before time, by pushing me gently with his boot.

He gives me time to wake up, before we have to line up for the morning roll-call.

He is also bring me extra food and water because he said that he really cares about me.

Of course during the day, he punishes the other girls if they are lazy.

It is their fault.

This is only his job.

Is not his fault.

Is not !

He never hit me but sometimes he can become very angry with my horrible mistakes.

But i don't think that he really wants to hurt me.

Sometimes he also fondle my hands and cheeks with affection when the other guards doesn't see us.

I think that he is a good man.

He loves me ,i believe.

Rumors said that he had slept with convict girls promising them that he could help them to shorten their sentences.

But he didn't help them after.

The other guards said that this was why they have sent him here away from his hometown.

But i don't believe them.

He is so sweet and gentle !

That must be lies because they are evil !

I am starting to believe now that maybe i love him too.

I don't know why.

Really i don't.

I wanted his love ...i need someone's love !

Monday May of 1949

Today I talked to a young African girl that shared her thoughts with me with the few English that she knew.

I decided to make a friend then.

I needed one no matter the colour or the language.

I needed a human being to start listen and talk to me as a normal person.

Her honesty and trust this day was something that i didn't experienced before.

"We have to pity them" ...she said to me.

They think that they are masters but our spirit is free !

They are the real slaves in their animal instincts.

And you are journalist and educated woman.

When your story will become known to the people all this sufferings that you endured will end with more freedom and justice in Mexico.

You will see."

This made me think about things in a new way.

Maybe there is a purpose in why I am here.

I believe that i have finally found some peace with myself at least.

I am thinking even though , that I shall stay in chains for the years that will come.

I know I will not leave them any time soon anyway !!

But deep inside my heart i still hoping that someone eventually will find out what happen and rescue me.

Sunday afternoon 1950

After break the owner visited our building today.

She saw me and for some reason he told my supervisor that he wanted me to work in his private flower garden few miles from there.

"She is pretty ,i want her !" i heard him telling to one of his guards.

He gave me a decent dress and the right to wash after work with hot water in a normal bathroom !!

I had a lot of free time there !

In the evenings i spent lot of hours writing or just thinking ...

Remembering my last adventures in the forest.

All the good moments in the wild.

The coldness of the water splashing around my feet,the songs of the birds and the sweet smell of the flower's.

It was a dream.

The joy that i felt.

The moments of freedom and relaxation after a long night walking barefoot in the green soft grass.

I was alive...

All this kept me alive.

This days of freedom was probably the best in my life !

I was filling like an native American Indian girl lost in the wild.

I remembered my tricks and my efforts.

My thoughts and actions that shaped my future.

All destined to fail although

But i am appreciating now the good moments of my life.

I never did before.

I can seat and relax now thinking about my past life in France.

I believe that my friends sure missing me now.