Memories

My breath hitches as reality slaps me in the face. I run a hand through my hair in agitation and try to take a deep breath as if flooding my body with oxygen might make this somewhat bearable. I know that no matter how much I try to steel myself the memories are going to hurt. Tears gather at the corner of my eyes but I'm determined to keep them at bay. I have already shed far too many over that particular fucker.

Seeing my distress, Jackson quickly says, "You don't have to tell me. Only if you want to. But I would truly like to understand, Kat."

My mind is already swirling as I'm transported back into a past I would much rather forget…

"Garry, I have something I need to tell you." I pace back and forth in front of the very confused man who is sitting patiently on my sofa. It has taken so much courage to bring me to this point and I am terrified how Garry is going to take my news.

"What are you talking about?" Garry replies brows furrowing and exasperation coming through his voice. It's been eating away at me, keeping this secret but I can't hold it in any longer. My heart is pounding in my chest and the near-constant nausea I have been grappling with is making it hard to force the words out. Garry's had a super long day at the office, but I need to tell him what I've been putting off for the last couple of weeks. 

I'd hoped that when I had gone to the doctor, they would tell me that everything was fine, that I'd just overreacted given my mother's history. I was protecting Garry by keeping this quiet I kept telling myself. I didn't want to worry him needlessly if it turned out to be nothing at all. Especially as he was working so hard, and there was still loads to do for the wedding. But now my worst fears have been realised, and I must tell the man I love that I might have the Big C. Cancer. The word itself is eating me alive.

I struggle to get the words past the lump in my throat. "They think I might have cancer, like my mum." It comes out a strangled whisper, and I have to repeat myself twice before Garry hears me properly.

His face blanches and immediately takes on that look he gets when he's trying to solve a particularly exasperating problem. Finally, he asks, "I don't understand. Why would you think that?"

"You know my stomach hasn't been great recently. The thing is, there was blood in my poop."

"Eew, Kat. You know I hate talking about that stuff. It's just gross," Garry interrupts sounding like a petulant child. His face is all scrunched up and it takes me a moment to gather myself before continuing.

"Fine, well anyway, there was some stuff, so I went to my doctor and because of my mum, they have run some tests. Anyhow, there are some anomalies, so they want me to have a colonoscopy…"

"Riigghhht." I've completely lost Garry. His eyes are frantically moving and looking anywhere apart from my face.

"They want to look inside my colon and take samples," I snap beginning to feel a little irritated with Garry's reaction to this news.

"Are you sure that's necessary?"

"Yes," I respond harshly. What the hell? Would I be saying this if I wasn't absolutely sure? "Like I said, when I started getting symptoms like my mum, I went to the doctor, and she ordered a load of blood tests. I got the results today and my inflammation markers are higher than they should be. I didn't say anything before because you've been so busy, and I didn't want to worry you in case it was nothing…" I come to stand directly in front of Garry.

It feels like hours pass as he just stares at me with this inscrutable look on his face. My fingers take on a life of their own as they pull and twist on the hem of my shirt as I wait for Garry to say something. Eventually, Garry lets out a sigh and heaves himself off the sofa. He steps forward, and I think he's about to hug me, take me into his arms and whisper the words of reassurance I'm dying to hear. Instead, he brushes past me muttering that he needs to think about things and a moment later I hear the front door slam. I sink to my knees as tears begin to fall.

I can't bear to look at Jackson as I tell him about Garry's reaction to my revelation. However, I can feel from the rigidity of his body beneath mine that he's upset. I've never even admitted to Finn and Sophie how badly Garry reacted, and telling Jackson is like taking a walk back through some of the worst moments of my life. It is un-fucking-believably hard. And the worst part is that wasn't even how this particular story ended.