Chapter 7 - Sensitive

When we took the elevator we tried to avoid as many people as possible from the car to my apartment. Once we got to my door I quickly unlocked it and let him inside before some of my neighbors would be able to get outside and see us. I knew for sure that they would recognize him thanks to his books, and right at the moment I couldn't remember if I had told them about Alexis being his biological daughter.

"So, this is where you live?" mr Castle asked when I turned around towards him.

He wasn't facing me though, he was looking around the living room area you walked right into from the door.

"Yeah, I know it's nothing fancy but it works and Alexis doesn't seem to mind. Plus it's the only place I can afford with my salary" the last thing I only muttered.

I really wanted to give Alexis something better but with the money I earned there was no way I could possibly give her anything as fancy as her famous writer to father. I gave him a tour around the house, skipping my own bedroom though, and the last room I showed him was Alexis'. I knew he would probably compare all of this to what he had himself, what Alexis had back at his place but I tried to not think too much about it. I couldn't compare my income to his, he was a famous writer and there was no way I could compete with him economically.

"Let me guess" he started and I got afraid he was going to criticize something, "Alexis chose the bed cover?" he asked with a chuckle.

At first I was confused by his statement but when I followed his eyes on the bed cover I couldn't help but chuckle myself.

"Yeah, she was pretty persuasive" I said looking at the minion figures on the cover.

"She gets that from me" mr Castle said as he turned his head to wink at me.

Before he managed to turn away again I could see the pain in his eyes though. I didn't think anyone else could see it but that pain seemed to be there constantly. At least it had been there this whole time I had talked to him tonight.

"Is she eating like she should?" he asked carefully and I had to think before I understood what he was asking.

"Yes, she was a little shy in the beginning and I don't really think she ate much wherever she was before here but now she's eating like a horse" I said chuckling a little.

He chuckled with me before he got quiet and went to her bed. I was about to ask him what was wrong but that's when I saw him pick up Monkey Bonkey, Alexis' favorite stuffed animal she always had around when she was sleeping. Even though he was turned away from me I could sense the tears that ran down his cheeks. I couldn't imagine how hard it must be for him, not to be able to hold his little girl and tell her how beautiful the world could be. I jumped when my phone started ringing and I excused myself when I saw it was Esposito calling.

"Beckett" I answered, not leaving the room since I didn't want to leave the man alone to do anything stupid.

I didn't trust him yet, wasn't sure I could.

"Yo chica, we got a hold of an old boyfriend. He told us she was already pregnant when they met but that they had been together anyway planning on telling the baby it was his. When the baby was born something happened and somehow the baby got adopted without our victim's approval and once the mistake was noticed it was already too late, someone kidnapped her kid, that's why we couldn't find any record of her having one at first. Anyway the kid must be three years old according to the old boyfriend. Their relationship ended soon after the baby disappeared, she had told him she couldn't stand the pain of loosing her child when they'd had a whole future planned together" Esposito informed me of what they had gotten in the case so far.

"That's interesting, does he have an alibi for the murder?" I asked and I felt mr Castle's gaze on me.

"Yes, he has a solid alibi. We're right now trying to locate the one signing those adoption papers" he told me.

"Okay, keep me updated on how that goes, but don't forget to go home and sleep some. We need to be sharp tomorrow, I'll come in as soon as I've left Alexis at my dad's" I said and we ended the call.

I looked at the man in my apartment and he had a curious look in his eyes, behind that sadness.

"What?" I asked and he shrugged before looking down at the monkey still in his hands.

"Nothing, maybe I should go. I don't want to put you through any more trouble than I already have" he said and gently put the monkey back to it's place on the bed.

"You're no trouble" the honest words came out of my mouth before I could stop myself.

I probably shouldn't encourage the man to stay but somehow I wasn't exactly willing to let him go yet. Something about him made me want to get to know him more. Ever since that first time we met I had felt something that I only could describe as something drawing me to him, that was probably why I had wanted Alexis so badly to be my foster kid. I wanted a piece of the man by my side at all times, how weird that now sounded. And this was just stupid, I should be able to stop myself, this wasn't a good idea.

"Do you have any other questions?" I asked before I turned to a photo on the bureau Alexis had taken with her when she got here.

It was a picture of herself and the man in the room with me. They look so happy in the photo. Somehow I couldn't help but feel responsible for whatever happened. After all he was looking into mother's case. . What if he had found something and that's what got him into trouble? But then again I couldn't go down that rabbit hole again, if I did there was no turning back. Last time I had been close to loosing it, loosing everything. My job, my friends, my mind. Even my father had noticed the change in me. After him begging me to let it go, to come back, I had promised myself to never look into it again. There was no way I would force my dad into that pain again. He had already lost my mom, and been lost in the booze, he didn't need the pain of loosing me too.

"Not really, only... would you mind letting me face time with her a little now and then? I know I shouldn't but... I-I just... I need to see her, let me know she's safe" he stumbled across his words.

I turned to him again, seeing he had sat down on the bed with his head looking down at the floor. He looked ashamed for what he was asking but I could easily understand why he was feeling the strong need to know what was going on in his daughter's life.

"As long they don't find out and take her away from me... us" I stated and his head snapped up at me, thankful eyes locking with mine.

"Thanks" he breathed out and I could hear he was surprised by my decision.

I smiled small at the broken man in front of me.

"No problem, she misses you too and I want nothing more than for her to be happy" I confessed without really thinking about it.

Somehow it was much easier to talk to him than I would want it to be. Mr Castle stood up and walked to the bookshelf that was placed against one of the walls in the girl's room.

"Are you a fan or did you buy these books for my daughter's sake?" he asked as he let his finger travel down the back of his books standing in the shelf.

I could feel my cheeks get warm and I tried my best to hide the blush from him by turning towards a painting hanging on the wall drawn by Alexis.

" So the book I signed to you!" I had fantasized about him reading that text to me so many times but hearing him actually reading it made me turn around quick to see him stand with one of his books in his hands.

I took a few quick steps towards him to snatch the book out of his hands and close it. I felt my cheeks blush harder than they had ever done before. I kept my eyes on the floor to avoid looking at him. He had already recognized me, yes, but it felt wrong that he knew I was a fan of his.

"How many years ago was it? Two? Three?" he thought out loud and I gulped before I bit my lip. "My daughter wasn't with me, right? It was in a mall wasn't it?" he theorized.

Or, remembered might have been the right word since he was actually right. It had been at the mall and as far as I could remember his daughter had been nowhere near that book-signing. When I quickly glanced up at him it looked like something just went up to him. As if he hadn't really understood it until now.

"You a fan! Or, at least you were before I messed up and lost Alexis" he mumbled with a voice that told me he was disappointed in himself.

He was so self-conscious! I did remember him this way. Before he lost Alexis he had the rumor as a womanizer, always flirting with the ladies. Either he was nothing like the paper was saying or the lose of his daughter had changed him massively.

"Hey, you're still a great writer, that's not something that will change just like that" I said, snapping my fingers once to show him what I meant.

"No, I'm not. I haven't written a single word since they took Alexis. And I'm sure all of my fans hate me for what I've become. A sloppy, smelling, unhealthy guy walking around with a constant moping face" he said with a deep sigh before he realized what he had just said.

When he did, realize it, he blushed and brought his hands to his face to hide his embarrassment. He probably hadn't expected himself to be so vulnerable in front of me, and to be honest I was surprised myself by his honest comment and his insecurities. How could someone so great be so insecure about themselves? But then again, if I had a child who was taken away from me I would probably be the same. I sighed and couldn't stop myself from putting away the book to be able to take his hands in mine and bend them away from his face. He wouldn't look at me though which resulted in me sighing again and I let go of his hand to be able to put my right hand on his cheek. The moment my skin touched his cheek he instantly looked at me. I felt something tingle in my fingers but tried to ignore it.

"I'll do my best to help you stay in touch with your daughter, and while you can't talk to her you should get back to your writing. You are the great, famous mystery writer we all love and if you want to have your daughter back you should probably try to get back on your feet. Don't let the child service believe you've given up by quitting what you're good at. Now, go home, write, and I'll call you tomorrow so you and Alexis can talk, okay?" I said and I could see his eyes sparkle with hope.

"You will really help me? You will not just disappear with her and report me for contacting you?" he carefully asked with a scared voice.

I smiled up at him.

"No, I won't, promise" I answered.

"Pinky promise?" he asked with a childish glimpse in his eyes and I couldn't help but let go of a giggle.

I let go of his face and his hand, which I had forgotten I was still holding, to hold up my pinky finger.

"Pinky promise" I vowed.

His lips turned up into a smile before he hooked our fingers together to seal the deal.