MARYAM

(4th of September)

Yes I saw dad talking Yusuf, and Yusuf was a tall funny, and not so ugly man with a broad shoulder and a very nice statue, come to think of it he was "fugly" is that even a word Habiba, I laughed with every bit of laughter I had as if I was going to die, or I was competing for a laughing challenge which I would have won cos my mouth was wildly opened as a temporary zoo for flies and insects had it been we had in our house, it could have been their resting place.

"Are you okay" dad caught me laughing to my self

Busted you bitch, dad please just act as if it is normal for me to see you talking to someone by 6:30am in the morning and also it's normal for you to be scolding a police man that does not yet have a gun on your throat its alright I guess, wait Habiba is that abnormal?, right!

"Yes D" yes!, D for short

"Habi, get me a cooking knife from the kitchen"

"Yes sir, yes sir three bags full,

One for my mother,

One for my D,

One for the little girl,

who lives inside me" I sang jokingly to my dad as he understood perfectly, that I was singing a nursery school poem, bla bla bla sheep.

I walked slowly and majestically as if I was going to collect an award or a price from the kitchen staffs, as I walked in to the kitchen.

"Habu, what do you need" mom asked

"Nothing ma"

"Where is your dad"

"In his room" I said with an accent

"Okay" she replied with the same accent

She left and I quickly grabbed the knife as I wondered what he was going to do with this knife, maybe he was going to slit my throat into two, or even wore my whole body, "no" it can't be true, I walked to his office as I Hid the knife behind me in case he was really going to use it against me, I fear deeply for my life, I quickly entered the room, I dropped the knife on the table that was in front of him, it would at least take him two seconds to walk there as I walked fast to my room.

"What's wrong love?" Mom asked, I guess she saw the way my hands wear moving.

"Nothing, just reflex's oh, God pls save me out of this one I can't believe I said this.

"Are you okay?" dad's voice was a bit cracked at the end

"Yeah" with a large smile I replied

What is actually wrong with you habiba?, how can you think so low of your parents, why?, did you really think they would want to kill you.

"Habiba?" Dad called me back to his office.

"Umm" he started

God this man needs a life, stop bugging me.

"Since every one was hearing I actually want to talk to you about my party"

"What about"mom was not interested in the conversation

" my post, I would like to run for governor of our state"

"Sooo"

"I would hardly be around and will start to appear in news and stuffs like that"

"What about mom?" They both looked really reprised about that question.

"What about her?" dad was really interested

"I mean if she was going to become the first lady of a state should sheeee noootttttt" I said elongating the she not as I nodded my head closer for them to understand me better

"OK, yeah she will be staying because of you"

"What?, no dad why"

"For your protection and Care, why else?"

"Mom, dad! No!, No!, why?, OK first of all that is not fair I mean, I am fine the doctor is always one call away, and mom say something"

Dad took a few seconds before he could reply to me

"We have already made our decision" with a cracked voice he replied

"Dad I am old enough to take care of my self and besides I will soon be going to school very soon and I will be on my own, so why do you want mom to suffer because of me?"

"Habiba I am have never been disappointed in you, well said your mom and I will be on the spotlight, what of you?"

"I will go to school and become a lawyer as mom said Sir, and besides I wanted to work at a News station so when I do who would be with mom?, or who will mom be watching over?" I said as this statement left a shock on their faces.

"Habibat, OK we have heard your complain, and we will do something about it"

"OK dad" seems like he did not have any problem with me working, that you LORD.

" Are you satisfied "

"A bit"

"Yeah dad, I was thinking of how I wanted to earn for my self, I want to work anywhere as long as it's a station I am working for?"

"Why?"

"I want to have working experience na"

"OK like where"

"Any"

"OK so what about a TV station"

"That will be perfect sir"

"OK then I will see what I can do"

"Thanks dad"

"I love you"

"Love you too"

I was walking out of the room with a smile as big as the sun, when I heard mom complaining.

"Wait, so you would just allow her to go out of the house after all that happened to us, I and her?"

"Hmm"

"So you will just allow her to go out of this house like that?"

"Habiba" she called again

I was happy that dad did not pay attention to her, and so I was free from the thought of being locked up in this hell whole and so time passed and there was no one talked again, mom and dad just kept quiet they sat close and wear looking lost after the conversion, "ask them" my stupid mind said as I was thinking" I thought about asking them about the Maryam of a girl and I think that its about time I knew the truth and stop bothering my self about her.

"Dad I sawwwwwwww" my mouth started to close as I could not open it, it was as if they was an external force closing my lips.

"Saw what?"

"Mom, I saw?, I saw?"

"You saw what?" She said with a tired voice.

"I saw a picture of me and, and and and an an a. a girl naammmeeeed maaaaa"

The look in dad's eyes were unbearable, it was as if he wanted to swallow me whole, while mom on the other hand had already lost it, and she was about to leave the room.

"Maryam, you saw a pic of you and late Maryam"

"Yes dad"

"Where did you see it"

"Under my bed sir"

Did he say late, as in dead, did he mean dead dead or dead alive like I can see her today, Right?

"Seems you personally hid it there and when you lost your memories you also forgot that you hid it there, that you had a picture book of you and your best friend Maryam who is late"

"I have a question?, where is she?"

Mom starts sobering in tears as she looks at me with distress, but I did not fall for it, she looked like a bag of tears and any small thing that touches her makes her blow up in sadness.

"She's dead, Habiba she was a long time ago"

"What?"

My brain was in shock and also filled up with stress and anxiety, and so I could not interpret this information at all.

"Yeah, she died of road accident according to her death certificate, and her parents confirmed it both in real life and in the news"

"No, no way" is this really possible

"Honey please try to understand, she's dead"

"What?, okay" I said as I left the room for them.

I was still left in plain dilemma about what the fuck just happened, she was dead, she was dead.

Why those it hurt if she is dead and I have no memory of her?, oh, so she is dead and was not the one disturbing me and all this while my gut was telling me that she was alive, I am scared, like I don't know her but I fell like I should, I fell like I could, should I?, "no" Habiba you are better than that I try to snap out of the thought of going to actually meet the person that disturbs me daily, well I am not quite sure of her gender but it seems like she does not want to hurt me "how can you tell?" I asked my self, if she wants to hurt you she cannot do it over the phone, so she has to play a nice game with me there cos I am in control there.

Dear God,

I know I don't pray everyday, and I am still trying to learn how to, I know that I don't always do as you ask but please will I be going against you if I see this person or should I forget about this person. Pls God I need a reply, please!

                                         Yours servant habiba.

I am in need of redemption, I surely am in need of redemption, I need to purify my soul, I need to clean it cos I sure am dirty right now.

I decided to lock the door behind me as I was still shocked about her death, I sure did not know her but it was really painful to my soul, why did I ask?, oh God!, I am such a full, why does my soul says opposite?, I new answers and my parents are not giving me reasons enough to be able to convince me, they just confuses me, "no" I don't need answers I already got that and it ain't enough, right now I am in need of explanations and proofs.

OK let me risk something and sacrifice all, don't blame me I heard it on the news once that you should be able to overcome all obstacles in your part to be the greatest of all, so maybe I should sacrifice my safety, maybe I would, I am scared I need a sign to know that I am on the right track.

I took the pictures from where I kept them under my bed and scanned through, for the last time since I wanted to burn them I took a good look at them, no, I can't do this to my BF how can I burn down the only memory I have of her, how?.

"Knock knock" as usual someone to disturb my peace

"Come in" I hid the box silently and slowly opened the door, it was divine my personal housemaid

"What's the matter you seem tired?" She asked.

This was actually the first time she is acting nice and lovely to me, actually this is the first time she is talking to me, our relationship was just a boss and annoying servant relationship or maybe it was horrible boss and really nice maid relationship, but I guess it was a decent relationship but either of the two, I don't know if I want it to pass that level.

"Nothing" I am not ready for any conversion.

"Okkaaay" she backed up slowly

"Mam, you know I really admire you, just how you relate to us and all that..., I am"

"Not ready for this" I quickly helped her complete her sentence

"Maybe I was once nice to you...."

Rude, Habiba don't be rude to the poor thing

"Continue" I commanded like the boss that I will be or the boss I already am.

No, I commanded her like the sick and twisted person that I am.

"Sorry ma" she backed up slowly, this time with seriousness

Why were you rude to the poor thing, you are better than that, you are not proud, please don't act like that to anyone.

" I am sorry for cutting you short, forgive me" I asked

"No, ma I understand"

"Pls continue, if you truly have forgiven me"

"I have"

It took a long while before she continued

"Ma do you know that....."

But the truth was that my mom and dad had told me that I had no friends, did I.