Find ME

Find Me: English translation

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© 2020 Belle Cassy

November 17, 2020.

This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Introduction...

Jack’s Perspective

I was standing on the balcony, having some fresh air and I was thinking of something deeper than the sea, trying to understand my own creatures and perceptions. And then, I sighed when I remembered her… A woman that I couldn’t get off of my mind, she was always inside my brain no matter how hard I tried to move on.

It’s funny to move on to someone that never became your partner, I mean relationships like girlfriends and boyfriends.

“I waited, but years have been passed and I didn’t still have any idea where could I see or find you,” whispered my mind while I was smiling like crazy but it has a mixture of sadness and pain. I honestly felt spines in my flesh that slowly crawling, and keeping the whole of me to feel this crazy called heartache.

I looked above me, wondering why did I fell in love with her; wondering why did I fell n love with someone that I never once met personally? I didn’t even know her face, her age, I didn’t know everything about her, yeah, I didn’t.

A sigh… "Of all people, I couldn’t understand why you?”

"Haha," I chuckled. “Stupid Jack!” I know I was acting weird than my usual self.

The day that I never heard any news about her was the same day that made me felt unhappy. I wonder why does it affect my emotions this much? Why did I feel heartbroken?... Who are you? What do you have that I barely couldn’t erase you inside my head? These are the questions that never had an answer, yet, I kept searching for an answer to every “why’s” I had in mind.

“Love? Are you not coming here inside?” A voice coming behind my head. It was from Angel, my girlfriend.

The moment I glanced at her, she gave me the sweetest smile she has.

“Let's go? Let’s eat inside, love,” she said. I smiled back at her.

“Love, I’ll be inside in a minute, just taking some fresh air for a while,” I answered softly, and I thought she would go back inside, but I was wrong, instead of doing that, she came closer to me.

“Love, are you alright? It's like you’re worried about something these past few days, I felt worried about you,” she sadly asked me as she stood beside me.

I sighed, held her shoulders to made her faced me. I glanced at her eyes and I could see her worries, that’s why I held her cheeks, slowly moved my head forwards until my lips reached her forehead and kissed it.

“I'm fine, Angel. You don’t have to worry, okay?” I smiled, and I got surprised when she unexpectedly hugged me; her hug made my heart blue, it’s painful, but there was nothing more painful when I heard her calling my name.

"Hmmm?" I asked.

“Promise me one thing,” she said and I had no idea what was it. When I asked her what was it, she hugged me tighter,

“Just tell me if you have any problems, I will be here, always, to listen to you,” she sincerely whispered… I felt like heaven and earth just put a weight on me after hearing her words. My conscience was eating me alive.

"Why did I fell out of love with this girl?" I whispered and just let her hugged me. I felt ashamed.

"Jack, you fantasized about her for a long time and waited for two years, you courted her in two years just to get her sweet ‘YES’ but after six years, why did your love suddenly fade away just like a bubble?" I thought and gritted my teeth in guilt.

I could feel the love she had for me. Her hug let me felt it. I lifted my hand to hug her back, but before I could do that, my hands refused, I hesitated and put down my hands, and then I sighed, what am I supposed to do?

She removed her hands away and kissed me on the cheeks, “I’ll wait for you inside,” she said and smiled. I shook my head and she straightly went back inside and I just watched her.

I let the air went inside of me from my nose and grabbed a letter from my pocket, I held it so tight.

“If I won’t get to know you, why do we have to meet this way?” I thought as I stared at the letters.

Before I could feel the pain again, I snapped myself, “Jack, come on, be a man!” I whispered and went inside the house… I saw Angel laughing together with her mom… I wanted to walk closer and joined them, but I chose to just stood up and tried to felt my heart while I was discerning Angel’s smiles, and I felt nothing. Her laughter and smiles which made my heart fluttered before were gone. It didn’t have any effects inside of me anymore.

Later on, I felt sorrow and tears began to fell down from my eyes, unexpectedly. And the moment I noticed that Angel was going to face in my direction, I quickly turned around and wiped my tears.

"Love?" she called me. I calmed my heart and smiled as I faced them. “Come here, sit beside me,”" he gestured and I immediately obeyed her.

“Love, what do you want to eat?” she asked.

“I’m fine. I can get it my own,” I smiled but her mom insisted, “Just let her, Jack. Besides, you’re a visitor here,” Aunt Mae said, Angel’s mother… “But…” I couldn't argue and I just let Angel did it for me.

“I told you. Just let me handle this,” she laughed and went to the kitchen.

“How is your job Jack?” aunt asked.

I smiled, “It’s good, aunt. I’m planning to go to the US next year, for a seminar,” I answered.

“Wow, that’s great. I’m happy for you,” she excitedly praised me.

“Thank you, aunt.”

At that moment, I knew I was a sinner.

“My daughter is really lucky to have you,” she added and I was speechless for a moment as my heart tightens up, I wanted to run, far away from here. I wanted to tell her that, “I’m sorry, aunt. But I doubt my feelings for your daughter,” but I just couldn’t. I just prayed and wished that the night would end as soon as possible so that the pain and guilt that lived inside my head and heart wouldn’t increase another suffering.

Why does it have to become like this? Sometimes the person we had by our side was indeed the person we thought was the right person for us, but in my case, I knew it was not Angel. Why? Because if she was the person for me, why do I had to feel this way? Every time I was with her, I felt no love tickling my heart.

“Love, I’m sorry,” I whispered and hid my sad emotions as best as I could.