Simula

Simula

Run Away

"Run away with me, Lav..." he whispered softly.

I bit my lip, forcing myself not to show any hint of uncertainty from my system. Those words were new to me... It was like a different person embracing me from by back. His voice was weak, broken, and miserable enough to make my knees tremble. He showed me a different side of him... a begging Harper Salazar... a side of him that I never wanted to see. Seeing him like that wrecked my heart.

He want me to reconsider things... His feelings, the memories we shared, our plans, our hopes, our dreams, and the future both of us wanted. He want me to stay even if that means turning my back against the world, against the reality I'm facing with.

"Harper... please..."

I tried to let go of his arm but his strength prevented me from doing so.

"Harper... please let me go..." I insisted.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ko pa nakuha ang lakas para masabi ko 'yon sa kaniya. The warmth of his hug alone made me weak, and those words almost stopped me. But I'm sorry... Harper... baby...

"Come on... why are you being like this?" He paused and leaned closer to my face.

Hindi lang ang mabagal na paghinga niya ang nadidinig ko ngayon... but his heartbeats... how they beat wildly for me... his heavy reminiscent sighs... I can hear it all. His manly yet addicting scent that captivated me... his soft and careful caress on my skin... All of that. All my favorite things. They ignited something in me that made me want to stay... for him. And his hug felt... tighter... warmer... and more possessive. As if he's holding the world and anytime it would disappear.

"Am I not enough? Is my love not enough? Tell me, Lav... I told you that I'd do anything to make you stay. Kahit na... kahit na talikuran ko ang lahat... para sa'yo. If losing everything is the only way to have you in my life, Lav, then the world can gladly take every single damn thing away from me. Huwag lang ikaw, Lav. So please, baby... tell me..."

I don't want to leave. To live life with you is to live life in the safest and most blissful way. To live life with a Harper Salazar is to live life to the fullest.

But leaving you, even it pains me, is the best thing to do right now. For the both of us... to grow separately and to understand things we couldn't understand unless we strive alone. For the people around us. Maraming umaasa sa'kin, Harper. My family. I don't want them to fail just because of me. I don't want to disappoint them. I want them to fulfill their dreams. Gusto kong makamtan nila ang mga bagay na pinagkait sa akin ng mundo. And you! There are people who depend on you! You only failed to realize that... because... my love blinded you, and prevented you from realizing that there are things far more important than this relationship. It would be cruel... and selfish to stay. I know this type of love would surely leave me with regret, in the end... but it's for the better.

"I want you to understand me, Harper," my words slowly turned into whispers.

"I want you to understand... us."

May mga pagkakataong kahit gusto mo pang panghawakan ang isang bagay ay kailangan mo nang bitawan... dahil 'yon ang tama... dahil 'yon ang mas makakabuti. Hindi lang sa'yo, kundi pati na rin sa mga taong nakapaligid sa'yo. A type of love that understands... is the type of love that teaches the most important things in life.

Those words... those final words... pushed him to finally set me free from his hold.

And what pushed me to keep going, to finally take steps away from the man who loved me truly and deeply in the most satisfying way... is my will to turn the miserable things fate had bestowed me into something great... for my loved ones. To save them. To give them the opportunity to live life in a better perspective. And for me to finally have... peace.

"Cut!"

A voice was heard from afar. I sighed in relief.

"Okay na po, Miss Yohan," the camera director in front of me said. He smiled to me before speaking into his walkie talkie.

I felt a pair of eyes staring at me from afar. And it ignited... something in my system. A very... unwanted and obscure feeling. Pero hindi ko 'yon... pinansin... o binalingan man lang.

"Pupunta na kami diyan sa baba, Sir Mike."

In-adjust ni Russel ang boom pole na nasa itaas kaya nawala 'yon sa paningin ko. Niligpit naman ng ibang crew ang mga reflector boards, including their stands para dalhin sa susunod na set. They also removed other lighting equipments and electrical associated stuffs. Kasama na roon ang lamp na inayos kanina ni Levi.

Habang ginagawa nila 'yon ay nakarinig ako ng yabag ng paa papalapit sa akin.

"It took a while, Yohan. May problema ba?" Sir Michael asked, slightly confused.

Hindi agad ako nakasagot at nakatingin lamang sa kung saan.

"Yohan?" he snapped in front of me when he noticed I wasn't paying attention.

"Ah... sorry. I just feel... tired... I think. Pasensiya na kung naka-ilang take pa tayo dahil sa akin," I said and bit my lower lip.

I shouldn't lie to myself. I know... it's because of that. And thinking about it hurt my heart even more.

"Hmm. I just hope you fix yourself as soon as possible. You know, Sir Raf gets annoyed when it comes to those... petty reasons."

Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ganito ang reaksiyon ko... when I knew that it's going to be like that... in the end.

Winaglit ko 'yon sa isip ko. It's very inappropriate for me to think about that now. Ngayon ko lang din natanto ang nagawa ko kanina. Ilang beses kaming nagpaulit-ulit dahil sa mga maling nasasabi ko... because of those thoughts. And that's very, very unprofessional, Yohan! Unfair 'yon sa part ng mga kasama kong naghirap na gawing maganda ang kalabasan habang ako ay hindi nagfo-focus. I should set aside things like that when I'm working.

"Masyado maliwanag, Darwin. Tone it down a bit."

"Sige, Sir Gab. Sasabihan ko na rin sila na ayusin ang dolly tracks."

"Wait, can you hand Oliver this? 'Yan ang kakailanganin para sa Sabado."

I tried to act accordingly in the next shoot. Nagawa ko agad ang gustong ipagawa sa akin ni Sir Raf sa unang take palang. It was a very, very dramatic scene. Hindi ko yata kakayanin na panoorin 'yon kapag ni-release na ang buong film.

"Hindi ka ba nagugutom, Miss Yohan?" Lily, our make up artist asked from behind.

I shook my head and smiled.

"Hindi naman."

I saw her return the gesture in the mirror, kahit na abala sa paghahanap ng tamang skin tone ng foundation sa kaniyang make up box.

Kakatapos ko lang magbasa ng script at naghihintay nalang na tawagin ni Sir Raf. This will be the last for the day. I checked my phone for a bit habang naghihintay kay Lily. A message suddenly popped up on the screen.

Tito Felipe:

Huwag ka nang umuwi dito!

I grinned. Napailing na lang ako sa sinabi niya at nagtipa ng reply.

Me:

Easy, Tito. Malapit nang matapos.

Nagulat ako at napatingin sa salamin nang biglang bumukas ang pinto. It was a woman catching her breath. Napatingin sa kaniya si Lily na napatigil sa paghahanap ng foundation. Hindi ko siya nakilala noong una but I then realized that she was the guys' make up artist.

"Oh, Sofia? Tapos ka na kay Sir Vince?" she asked, confused about her sudden appearance.

I saw her approached Lily and whispered something to her. Dahil dito ay napahawak ito ng bibig at tila hindi makapaniwala sa narinig. I suddenly got curious.

"I was busy with Sir Aldrin when Sir Raf entered. He asked if totoo ba raw yung in-announce sa page ng Blacklabel tungkol sa engagement nila ni Melissa Manna."

"Then?"

"Confirmed! Si Sir Vince na mismo ang nagsabi! May namamagitan pala sa kanila at hindi lang natin alam!"

Napatayo ako sa kinauupuan dahil sa narinig.

Napatigil sila sa pag-uusap at napatingin sa akin. From the mirror, I noticed their lips slightly open... nagtataka sa inasta ko. But I didn't even bother to look at them straight in the eyes.

I sauntered my way into the door. And with that, I left the tent without saying a word.

I just found myself sitting on one of the benches near the tents. Malayo 'yon sa kinaroroonan nila. The voice of the wind filled my ears with a soothing melody. The moon barely peeked through the thick layers of leaves and trees, silently crawling the dark with dappled light. It's the perfect time to be embraced by the serenity of nature. A perfect time for myself.

Maybe, there are things in life... after you let go of it, you might not get it back. No matter how you try to obtain it again. No matter how hard and keen your efforts are. Maybe because it's now out of your reach, or maybe... the thing you once had was never really intended for you in the first place? Na baka dumaan lang iyon sa buhay mo para turuan ka ng iba't-ibang mahahalagang bagay.

That time, I wanted the moon to make me understand that. I wanted the wind to whisper the answers to my soul. But I know that the moon nor the wind won't respond to me...

I closed my eyes for a brief moment. Dinama ko ang katahimikang bumabalot sa paligid. I allowed myself to be in the illusion of tranquility... that all will be well... na balang araw ay masasagot din ang mga tanong ko, at may makakapagintindi rin sa akin ng mga bagay.

When I opened my eyes, the flashes of cameras blinded me. The noise of the crowd filled my ears... and that made me realize that the path I took would only give me glimpses of peace that I wanted. But that path included him... so I would never regret taking it. Nor I would take any other paths if I was given a chance to choose a different one.

"Miss Yohan! Are you currently in a relationship with a non-showbiz boyfriend?"

"Yohan Dulce! Is is true that you got pregnant when you were seventeen?"

"Your uncle, Felipe Dulce was alleged to have sold drugs in the past. Totoo ba 'yon, Miss Yohan?"

"Is it true that you tried to kill Melissa Manna during their engagement party?"

Dinumog na nila ako pagkababa ko palang ng sasakyan. But the guards were there to barricade me as I pass along the hallway.

Kahit na naririnig ko ang mga sinasabi nila, I still paraded the carpet like a queen. I took my steps elegantly and entered the huge door with a smile plastered on my face.

You're weak if you'll let yourself be consumed by their cruel words. Mahina ka kapag nagpaapekto ka sa sinasabi nila. That's why even if those words stabbed my chest... kahit na gustong-gusto kong magsalita at depensahan ang sarili ko sa kanila, pati ang mga taong malapit sa akin... I remained calm.

Because... you can never please everybody. No matter how you try to fit in... no matter how many times you shower them with good deeds. It doesn't matter if what they're believing is true, filthy, or misleading. Papaniwalaan nila ang gusto nilang paniwalaan. And the best option amidst this chaos is to remain silent... and understanding... because they don't know how it feels to be understood.

Bumungad sa akin ang isa pang hallway kung saan may mga photographers na nag-aabang. I continued parading until I reach that point.

I adjusted the strands of my hair to where it all sneaked behind my ears. I twisted my body slightly, shifting my weight to the right, and exposed my left leg from the slit of my Mac Duggal strapless sweetheart velvet ruffle gown. I partnered it with my black suede love heels, and a silver dangling earring that highlighted my jaw and cheekbones. It was the only accessory I had. I didn't bother to put much effort on my make up and relied on my natural features. 

I flaunted a very refined look on my face... with my chin slightly raised and lips slightly open, I posed to the cameras like I rule this industry.

"Yes, Sari. There were so many nominees for this year, and I must say that those were all high quality romance films!"

"That's true, Thann! But sadly, only one will receive the title of Best Romance Film for this year's Blacklabel Gamma Awards. Are you excited to know who's winning it tonight?"

The crowd then went wild and crazy. The echoes of their voices filled the arena... lahat ay isinisigaw ang kani-kanilang pambato.

And I must admit... my heart started to race at that moment.

"Dapat ay hindi na nila in-allow na magkaroon ng audience. Ang ingay nila!"

"Whatever, Lian. Nagbayad naman sila."

"Kahit na! They should atleast act prim and proper."

"You're Yohan Dulce, right?

Agad akong napalingon sa pinanggalingan ng boses na 'yon. It was a famous actor who talked. Nakatingin 'yon sa akin at nakangisi.

"Uh... yes." I said blankly.

I didn't have the strength to look at him in the eyes. Nakatingin lamang ako sa malayo, nawawala pa rin sa sarili. My mind was filled with certain thoughts. Patuloy din sa paghaharumentado ang puso ko... sa hindi ko alam... na dahilan.

"Can I... uhm... get... your number?"

But my heart... throbbed even more... at hindi ko na napigilang ipakita 'yon sa sistema ko. I cannot control it. It became more... wild and... submissive. Mas lalo lang lumalala kapag sinusubukan kong pigilan. Those pair of dark, menacing eyes.

No matter how I try to forget the feeling, I know that my heart would still remember... everything. How those eyes... witnessed my greatest fears. How it caused my heart to embrace so many obscure feelings. How it pierced through my soul... to my deepest secrets... to my darkest fantasies. Like now, when I wanted to hide everything from him.

The crowd went wild. Hindi ko alam ang rason... dahil... nakatingin pa rin ako ngayon sa mga matang 'yon. Seconds passed, those pair of eyes got nearer... and nearer. Namalayan ko na lang ang sarili na naglalakad sa gitna ng napakaraming tao. With me beside... him.

Hindi ko alam pero... ito na yata ang pinakamabagal na lakad na nagawa ko. The awkward atmosphere embraced me... but I'm probably the only one who feels that. Saka lang ako natauhan nang makatapak na ako sa stage.

We won... Best Romance Film. That's a great achievement, Yohan! But... I don't know if I should feel happy or not.

"Congratulations, Miss Yohan!" bati sa akin ni Sari Valiente.

"T-Thank you."

I noticed that the huge figure behind me started getting closer kaya... binilisan ko ang paglalakad. But I regretted it when I reached the center of the stage where the microphone is.

It's not my first time to speak in front of a large crowd... but... I suddenly had the urge to just leave... without saying anything.

The crowd was now dead silent, and I know... they're expecting me to speak first. Pero ilang segundo na ang nakakalipas ay nakatunganga pa rin ako. That's why... he moved forward and held the mic... then his voice broke the silence.

"Uh... Thank you for this award. I appreciate every single one who supported our film," he paused.

Everything felt... slow. I wanted the time to run faster... and faster but it was against what I wanted. And I... hated it.

"And... achieving this won't be possible without the hardwork of the behind-the-scenes team. So I would like also to... express my sincerest gratitude to them."

I tried to avoid any interaction with him after we finished shooting... but... fate seems to be playing with me... right now... at this very moment.

Don't fool yourself, Yohan. You expected this. It was obvious that the film would win! Kaya ka pumunta! Because you wanted to see him! You wanted to get close to him atleast for a moment!

"And I would also... like to thank... the woman who supported me throughout this amazing journey..."

The crowd screamed.

That time... I wanted him to tell my name... kahit ngayon lang... kahit isang beses lang. I wanted him to tell the world that a woman named Yohan Dulce never left his side... that a Yohan Dulce matters... and exist in his world. But who am I kidding, really?

"...my wife, Melissa Manna."

The crowd screamed louder... and wilder.

Namalayan ko na lang ang sarili ko na tumatakbo papalayo... walang pakialam kung masira ang heels na suot, o kung anong naging reaksyon ng mga tao sa inasta ko.

I just wanted to run away... from everything. Like the young Yohan in the past... because... no matter how I try living life the way I wanted, it would always end up hurting me.

I wanted to continue walking the path I chose... but it gets narrower... and harder to walk with as I took more steps. That's when I realized that I will never... ever reach the end if I continue walking that way I deserve a different path... an easy one... safer one. A path that would make me understand... and a path that would whisper the answers to my ears.

Maybe, we will never get hold of that thing again... after we let go of it... because... there are far more things greater than that. Things that are worthy and needed much attention of. And we only failed to realize those things because we are just too focused on achieving what we wanted.

Wala na akong pakialam sa career ko... o sa magiging kahantungan ng lahat.  Right now,  I just wanted to keep running... away... from the things that deprive me of peace.

Sorry... Tito Felipe, Mario, Hannah. I know that I'm selfish for doing this. Babalik din ako... pangako... kapag handa na akong harapin ang lahat.

Truth be told, I wanted to stay...

But what pushed me to keep going, to finally take steps away from the man I loved truly and deeply... is my will to turn the miserable things fate had bestowed me into something great... by choosing a different path... by breaking free from the past that has been caging me for years... by ending the fantasy I had loved to embrace.

For myself. This time.

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