More love

I sometimes cry and right now I want to cry but I just half to live with the fact that it won't work out between me and the guys I like

Patrick if you reed this I love you but don't know how to tell you so I'm just gonna cry about the way you make me feel

You bother me when I'm around you but I miss you when your not near me I can't get you out of my head when I'm sad or angry

You make me happy and you make me sad but I know you would never wanna date me and even if you did it probably wouldn't work because I'm not in the same grade as you and probably won't see you that often another thing is then when we get some alone time you don't catch up with me and then other people try to tag along all I want is to be alone with you or at least get more attention than I have been getting

How I feel

I'm happy at some times when I see him but I'm mad most times when I see him being all friendly and shit with other girls saying they are his babe or he puts his arm around them nobody cares I should leave winter guard and band and cut off all of my connections forever I feel like I'm not important and nobody cares about me or my feelings all I wanted was to have a true friend but instead Patrick chose to just acknowledge me when he has to or when we both have something in common for a split second we will never have that best friend connection or even have a friend connection between us because he is not even noticing me as much as the others right now I've been wanting to cry for a while but I know that if I do it will cause some suspicion as to what happened or are you ok or what's wrong and right now I just want to be left alone for a while and to not be bothered for a long while especially by Patrick or anyone else all I want to do is cry but I'm trying to hold it back because I know that if I cry then I'll regret it later when people ask questions all I half to do is block out all of the happiness and try not to cry

Sadness overwhelms me but crying is not an option crying is a sign of weakness and I'm not weak so I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😔😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😫😣😣😣😣😣😣😣😣😣😣😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️☹️🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥💀☠️💀☠️💀☠️💀☠️💀☠️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈 I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm literally about to cry but I don't want to do this in public so I'm not gonna cry next year I will have less stress about Patrick but I will still be sad because he left winter guard I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry

I like you but I can't be around you without feeling aka ward or sad or mad or depressed but when I'm not around you I always think about you but I know it won't work out so why even bother but I can't stop so it is getting harder to stand being around you so much you are so cute and I really like you but you don't feel the same way because you probably hate me I'm not crying right now I'm just really tired I'm not depressed I'm just feeling ok I'm not sad I'm happy and energetic I don't love Patrick I hate Patrick and I don't want Patrick to be my boyfriend I don't even want to be friends with him I'm not crying I'm not depressed I'm not sad I'm not in love with Patty I'm just trying to hide the fact that I'm not happy and all of this is really how I'm feeling and i I'm just trying to cover it up because it's helping me get over whatever I'm feeling it's working partially but I just can't deal with is either it is something or I just end everything that we have to make me feel better I really want to end everything that is good in my life but I know that if I do I will be sad for doing that and then I really won't forgive myself but at the same time I will feel better and I won't be hurting as much as I am already because of Patrick

I really just don't want to exist or I just want to go and join one of the Pittsburgh guards and not do band anymore but I know it will make me a bit more sad but in the end I know that my sad feelings will be over and that makes me happy but it will make me even more sad if I do all of this so now I'm stuck with the decision of cutting it all off to feel a little bit of pain or to keep it and ponder over it and cry over it for as long as it is still relevant I'm about to have a mental breakdown but my depression is helping me cope with the fact that I can't stop feeling bad for the things that I've done like joining winter guard and joining band but I like them both but it makes me sad to see people being friendly and all I get is an awkward conversation with Patrick and a wink I don't know if he is feeling the same way so I'm just gonna not cry cry cry but I know that the longer that o think about it it makes me even more sad and I'm makes me feel worthless in the fact that I will never have the chance of having a real friend who is relatable and would have the same interests as me but I will just cry cry cry until he realizes that I was the best thing that he ever had

What I'm gonna do to cope with the pain

I'm first off gonna go home and cry and then start a fantasy about what I want from Patrick and how I would see our relationship going I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry I'm not gonna cry

Tears overwhelm and weigh me down but I will be strong and push through then I will not do any of the things I have done before and I will not remember Patrick I will be happy I will not be depressed I will not cry and I will not love Patrick like I always have I am at the point of crying but I don't cry I won't cry even though I have been trying to not cry

Will I tell anyone

No I will not tell anyone and I will probably put it in the back of my mind and cry for a bit about it if anyone asks why I'm crying I'll say that I was thinking of a bunch of different things and they made me sad because trying to tell people that I like other people in the guard is gonna be hella aka ward and it will make me feel even worse if Patrick asks why I'm crying I flat it off as if I'm not crying and it's nothing then go back to hiding ignoring and crying for the rest of the night

Theory

If I remove him as my friend and I stop talking to him he will start to wonder what he did and then ask me what he did wrong and I will tell him you know what you did it is the same with every girl it just won't happen I don't want to talk to you again then he will be very confused and ask again then I will start crying and I will tell him that I can't Handel this and then leave crying it will also make him think wow I just made her cry and try to fix things then I will start blocking him and then I will leave the group chat saying that if there is any important information just text me personally and don't try and ask me about Patrick or I will block you as well and leave all together then someone walks up to me and asks about Patrick and I will say that I have some mixed emotions right now and all I need is to to be bothered by anyone so I will cut off the person who is bothering me and then I will eventually cut out everything that is not helping me cope with my feelings so don't ask me again or I'll just leave soon enough I will be posting a bunch of sad stuff and depressing stuff and say that I can't ever be happy and then stop checking my social media unless it is important