Prologue: Snake Alarm

Hello there, good gentlemen of culture. Have you heard of the Glory of Hera, by any chance?

Yes, the demigod of Zeus who conquered the twelve labors as atonement for his 'gruesome crimes'. And by 'gruesome crimes', I mean familicide. You know, the good old 'killing your most loved ones by brutal strength' kind of redemption trope.

To elaborate, he murdered his family by burning them alive in hardcore Jeanne d'Arc style. His own children, wife, and nephews. All burnt to ashes by his hands in a fit of rage and madness. A madness that was induced by Hera. The well-used 'tragic Hero' type of MC if you ask me.

Anyway, you might wonder why I'm rambling about the most famous hero in Greek mythology, though trust me, I have good reason to. You see, I'm named after someone very close to Heracles, both in blood and spirit.

Iphicles.

Yes, that's my name. I heard my dad call me by that name. Never ever heard of it? I'm not surprised.

After all, the Iphicles in canon Greek mythology didn't have any accomplishments worthy of legend. Spoiler; I was named after the half-brother of Heracles.

Oh, and I'm currently a newborn baby. Yes, yes, I know. Cliche baby reincarnation from the trashy braindead Isekai God-like Japanese MC novels.

Well, the thing you don't know, is that a baby is soft, tender...and full of delicacies. No, I'm not talking from my perspective. That'll be downright creepy, even for a Japanese Hentai-influenced dude.

I'm talking from my dear visitor's perspective.

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSS"

You see...I'm half a foot away from death, quite literally speaking. Why?

First, let me ask you a question.

Have you ever seen an Anaconda in your life? Those gigantic river snakes that dwell in the Amazon rainforests?

Try imagining them twice as thick and three times as long. Then, paint them black. Metallic black. Now you have it. A serpent with black scales that reflects the moonlight, venomous fangs as large as an adult's hand, and glowing yellow eyes.

That, was what I saw coiled beside my crib.

You cannot possibly imagine the utter panic I felt when I came face to face with that giant snake staring at me like I'm a very juicy piece of ham dangling in front of his face. Well, News flash! He's not mistaken.

I'm proud that I didn't die from cardiac arrest on the spot. I would've given myself a medal and a little victory dance if he wasn't eyeing me with all the hunger in the damn world.

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSS"

On second thought, cardiac arrest sounded better...it would've been more merciful than being gobbled up alive, at the very least. God knows how bad his acid breath might stink.

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS"

Or was it a she-snake? Did my internal comment somehow make him...her...it, angry? Yes, I'm still terrified beyond my mind if you still can't tell. Trash-talking can only alleviate the panic so much. Oh, I'm so fucking dead.

Okay, last-second resort! Diplomacy! Or in other words, bullshitting!

"D-duhah, Bugh luh ah luh appah! (O-okay...s-stop! I-I taste like rotten apples!)"

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSS!"

Right. Yeah. I'm not even capable of coherent speech. What did you expect from a damn toddler?

Aaaaand I think I failed in discouraging it. Curse my underdeveloped excuse of a mouth. Thanks to it, I'm about to get swallowed. Damn, I didn't know its jaws can actually open that wide!

"Blug-blah-duh. Fuh-ha-gu. (Oh my god, your breath is horrendous! Brush your teeth!)"

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSS!"

...Welp, I did what I could. Just my rotten luck. My killer doesn't even have basic hygiene. Double rotten luck. Heh.

On the very first day of my life, I find myself in some ancient unknown place (presumably Greek from the architecture) inside the frail body of a baby inside a wooden crib, about to be swallowed by some genetically mutated freak, aka big-ass snake.

My short life flashed before my eyes.

...There wasn't any. I was only self-conscious for a damn minute!

Ahhh...come to think of it, I didn't even get the time to explore my second life. Well, I think it is my second life. I couldn't remember anything about my past-if I was lucky enough to have lived through one, that is.

I somehow doubted that, considering my current situation.

With some fractured knowledge from the 21st century still intact in my tiny brain, I deduced that this phenomenon could only be explained as reincarnation.

Looks like Christianity isn't so strong in this part of the world. The priests would have a stroke. Heresy and all that nonsense to their Holy Bible.

Aaaaaand I'm monologuing to nobody when I'm about to get digested into baby mincemeat. Great.

"...Mngh"

Wait. What was that? Did I just hear something suspiciously similar to a baby? Come to think of it, this crib does seem awfully cozy, cramped, and warm with this...pillow...!?

"...Dah-fah. (Aw, fuck)"

I can't believe I didn't notice until now. Like, seriously? Who mistakes a baby for a pillow? A man inside a baby, of course!

...Hahahahaha. I really should have my IQ checked. Or my orbital nerves. Or both.

Come to think of it, am I mentally impaired? Am I crazy? Is this whole situation nothing but an illusion in my mind?

"..."

I touched the baby's neck. I felt a faint pulse under my thumb, and the sensation of air going in and out of her lungs. She was alive. So very much alive.

...Ah, damn it. Damn it all!

Slowly, deliberately, I moved in front of my drooling companion. Without memories I may be, I'll be damned if I let another innocent baby die in my place, under my watch! Never!

The right course of action may have been to cry out, wail, and do everything to gather an adult's attention. However, I had a gut feeling that as soon as I do that, the snake would have lunged forward and gobbled me up entirely, along with the baby. No, I cannot allow that.

"...Nh?"

Oh, shit. Seems like sleeping beauty is now awake. I saw my sister -don't ask me why, I just knew it- rub her adorable cheeks with her small fists and open her vibrant golden eyes.

"...(PLEASE DON'T MAKE ANY NOISE. PLEASE DON'T MAKE ANY NOISE. PLEASE. NO SOUND. OK?)"

I channeled all my inner charismatic energy into my eyes and pleaded with her via eye contact.

She smiled. She had dimples when she smiled. So cute -NO, FOCUS!

I channeled even more energy into my eyes. If this was an SF film, I would've moved the universe with my sheer mental force alone.

"...(NO SOUND NO SOUND NO SOUND NO SOUND NO SOUND NO SOUND)"

My sister giggled. Apparently, my communication skills suck balls.

"HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

I nearly jumped out of my skin. The sound was threatening enough to make an adult shit his pants. It triggered the instinctual fear in my gut, making me want to puke. That hiss was definitely much more ominous than before.

Before, it was something along the lines of 'Hey this puny human looks like a tasty snack!'. Now, it was giving off 'I FOUND YOU, INFIDEL! LEAVE THY HEAD WHERE IT BELONGS!' kind of vibes.

Its yellow eyes gleamed with malice as it reared its ugly head. My sister giggled again. I whimpered.

Then, without warning, it lunged.

From then on, it was pure ultra instinct. I danced around with the grace of a drunken butterfly and stung with the ferocity of an anorexic bee. Which meant, while glamorously pissing myself, I somehow managed to punch the snake in the eye with the force of a flying plushy.

The snake was not pleased by my less-than-satisfactory performance.

In the blink of an eye, I found myself strangled by the scaly beast. It wrapped around my body, crushing my lungs, and suffocating me. I struggled and thrashed, but it was hopeless. The air was squeezed out of my lungs, and I could feel my vision darken.

"...Guh!(RUN!)"

My adorable sister looked back at me with wide eyes. Tears started to fill them. She sniffled and held out her arms. Oh, how much I wanted to give her a hug and assure her that everything would be fine.

...Yes, I should've known. Babies can't plan an escape. Most of all, they can't run. Besides, she must be horrified, that poor little-

"KAHK!?"

The serpent let out a choking sound. Strange, I'm pretty sure I'm the only one here who's getting strangled. What on earth-!?

My jaw fell wide open. Something like a cross between a gasp and a squeal left my throat.

Before my eyes, I saw a furious baby girl stand up on her tiny legs, crushing the neck of the giant snake with her bare hands. She let out a cute growl as she continued choking the air out of the serpent, without mercy, without hesitation.

The snake tried to strangle her by constricting the girl with its body, and when that seemed to have no effect, it tried to escape by slithering out of her grasp. It couldn't.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity -although it must have been no more than a few seconds in relative time-, there was a loud, sickening, crack.

My baby sister opened her tiny palms. The serpent wavered in the air, and for one terrible second, I thought it might be still alive until I saw the undeniable marks of my sister's handwork on its neck.

Its metal scales were splintered and cracked in a million cobweb-like fissures, while its muscles were compressed to the point it became a solid, dark red rock. Its lifeless eyes grotesquely bulged out of their sockets from the immense pressure applied to its blood flow, and from its corners, red blood spurted out like a small fountain.

With a heavy thud, the dead body of the serpent crashed onto the stone floor, its crimson blood soaking into the ground beneath.

However, my sister seemed that she couldn't care less about her incredible feat, for she quickly scurried toward me as fast as her wobbly little legs could carry her. With tears in her eyes, she touched my cheek with her tiny hand.

"...Heh"

'Atta girl, incredible work there!', I conveyed with a weak smile. I coughed. My tongue tasted something awfully like raw iron. Oops, I was coughing blood.

My sister started crying. My communication skills really suck.

"Alcides, Iphicles, what happened...WHAT IN THE ACTUAL HADES IS THAT DEAD MONSTER DOING INSIDE HERE!?"

A man dressed in golden ornaments and regal blue robes stormed into the room, only to be shocked by the mangled monster lying inside its own pool of steaming blood.

Wait a minute.

Why in Hera's name is my sister named Alcides?

No, no, it can't be...unless...!?

I glanced back at the dead serpent on the floor, then at my sniveling sister who was clinging on to me as a starving Koala does to a eucalyptus tree.

Nah. It can't be, right?

Hahaha.

I fucking hate my life.