He'd probably never forgive me.

Although I left Don's place with a bit of positive energy, I still had a lot on my mind. And despite everything being all blurry, I knew I couldn't head home. At least not then. I couldn't face Ray. I really couldn't stomach the guilt of being around him, knowing what big evil I had done against him. So I just walked aimlessly around the neighborhood.

It was night time, but there were people going about their normal activities. Couples taking walks, others walking dogs and the whole atmosphere just felt peaceful. The chills from the night breeze sent some kind of warmth to my body and I found myself thinking in the positive for the second time since everything came crashing down. (Maybe...........just maybe Ray would forgive me. Maybe he will still want to be with me). I laughed bitterly at that because despite the positive mood, I knew I was getting way over my head.

I settled on the bench inside a park we had been frequenting with Ray and sometimes Don. That was for the few times we managed to drag him away from work for a nice evening walk. The park was a very nice place and my favorite in the entire neighborhood. It was just what I needed at that time.

The clean cut lawns, the flowers and trees scattered all around created a comforting atmosphere. I felt better. My attention got caught by a child running across the lawns. A lady who seemed to be his mother running behind him. The sight was just beautiful and had me unconsciously reaching for my stomach which was then way too flat to be noticed. I wondered how he was faring because at that moment I just thought of a 'he'. It wasn't like I had a gender I would have preferred because I knew and believed that l would still love my child regardless. It was just something that came unconsciously. I might not have known what the future held for my child and I but I was still going to protect him or her regardless.

A few minutes later I left the park and headed home. I wondered if Ray was still there. I reached my apartment and hesitated when my hand reached for the doorknob but on a second thought, I pulled at it and opened the door. The place was completely quite as I walked in. Seeing no signs of Ray, I released the breath I was holding. Glad he wasn't there. At least I didn't have to explain my disappearance. Not right then.

"Hey babe" a voice called from behind me and had my chest jumping right out of my chest. The voice very familiar knowing it belonged to none other than Ray. I quickly turned around facing him, my hand still holding my chest. "You scared me Ray" I said still holding onto my chest. He really did scare me because I had already thought he left when I did not see him.

"Sorry, I fell asleep waiting for you. Where did you go?" He asked rising up from the sofa he was lying down on. How did I miss him lying there?

"I............ I just took a walk" I said stammering a little while he just nodded in understanding. Typical Ray. He's so understanding. "You left your phone here and I was worried" he added as he strode towards me, holding my phone in his hands. His face full of concern as his eyes met mine.

"Are you okay?" He asked with his hands reaching for my face. I nodded while looking at him as he waited for me to continue but I didn't.

"What is wrong Jess? Tell me.”

“Nothing” I said, my eyes looking down. I settled my gaze on anything but him. "

Nothing?" He repeated in a questioning tone.

"How can it be nothing when you're looking this pale?" he added and it got me worried.

"Am I ........... Am I... looking... pale?" I stuttered a bit and he nodded in response. "But I'm fine." I said while he seemed to be unconvinced.

"I swear, I'm fine babe" I quickly said. (Please stop the questions, Ray).

"Okay now you're are acting suspicious. Really? Babe? you only call me that when something's wrong" he said looking all serious. I tried my best to look completely okay if that was possible at that moment.

"Just chill okay. I'm fine and nothing is wrong" I said and minutes passed by without him saying anything. (Way to go, Jess. That came out so wrong).

"Okay, if you say so" he said as he drew me in for a hug. Ray is a hugger. A very good one at that. His hugs were priceless and just what I needed at that moment. I melted into him completely. Wishing we could just remain like that.

"The food is getting cold" he said ruffling my hair " Let's go eat" he added and I groaned in disagreement. "Can't we just stay like this?" I asked in the sweetest and softest voice I could bring out. "No, You need to eat. Or have you forgotten how hungry you were?" He asked chuckling lightly. (If only I could forget some things).

"Let's just eat okay. I am really hungry" he said practically dragging me to the kitchen and pulling out a chair for me while he turned to get the plates out. He looked great doing all that. Like he had absolutely no ounce of worry in him. I wished things would remain that way.

We sat in silence as we both ate. But I could feel Ray's eyes on me and it was making me a bit uneasy. It was nothing new but I somehow thought he was going to notice something and that scared me. So I just tried to act normal. Practically burying myself inside the plate.

"You really are the best cook there is Ray'' I said in hopes of getting his attention off my body and it got the intended effect. He grinned at me and the sight of that was just breath taking.

"I'll be cooking for you more, if that’s what you want." he said and I nodded in response. "I'd love that" I said feeling my heart full at the thought of how much he indulged me. Ray and I hadn't been dating for long. Our relationship was barely five months but had been wonderful. At first I was skeptical about dating Ray since we had been friends for a long time. But all my worries where put to rest over the few months we had been dating, because of how good our relationship had been and how well he had been treating me. This is more reason why I could never forgive myself for paying him back in the worst way possible. My body grew cold as I thought of all the ways I would be hurting him if I told him.

"Ehhhmmm......" I coughed a bit to draw his attention but he quickly passed me a glass of water. I drank and settled the glass down on the table.

"Will you forgive me if I did something wrong?" I asked him not knowing how to start. I guessed that was a good way to start. He dropped his spoon on the table, his eyes continued to stare down at me."Why are you asking?"

"Is everything alright?" He added looking concerned and though I tried, I couldn’t say more. I just continued staring at him. He moved across the table to my side, leaning against the table, he took my hands in his then gives me a big smile that I wasn't expecting at all.

"Did you do something wrong?" He asked and then as if he thought better, he shook his head. "You know I can't get mad at you for long" he continued.

"There's no way I'm not forgiving you, babe. It's not possible" he said, a warm smile covering his face.

"What are you thinking about in that head of yours?" He said while he playfully reached to ruffle my hair.

"You don't have to worry. Whatever it is, doesn’t matter. Just chill okay" he said still smiling. That left me confused but guiltier. Because if only he knew the gravity of my betrayal. He'd know that forgiving me is off the list. And as if the guilt and shame weren't enough baggage for me, the following week had a whole different plan in store for me. Everything was getting worse.