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Chapter 55: Rising paranoiaNotes:

I´m in university now! Which sadly means that I have a lot less time for writing (probably). For example thursday I have to wake up at 6:30 am and come home at 10:00 pm. Without having time for either lunch or breakfast btw!

If I had known that studying at a university sucks this much then I wouldn´t have bothered.

So I will be updating less ;(

EDIT: 27.000 Hits!

EDIT2: 28.000 Hits!

EDIT3: 1234 comments!

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 55

"All done for now. You can go Subaru-kyun..." grinned Felix, otherwise known as the Blue Knight or the best healer in Lugnica.

Despite Subaru´s subdued mood the silly antics of the cute catgirl made him quirk up his lips as well.

"Thank you Felix. I´ll be in the library."

Although he had gotten better at it he still needed to learn much about the written language of Lugnica. Reading books and copying the glyphs down on paper until he could write them effortlessly was the best way to improve.

"I´m in a new world where the people have magic and crazy hair colours, but I still think her name is weird for a female." he thought to himself.

Crusch´s library was far less impressive than Beako´s "Multipurpose Room". He missed the adorable loli spirit already. Maybe he could buy her something to show his appreciation for...

Actually that didn´t happen in this timeline, did it?

Damn it. Constantly looping was confusing as hell. The only thing he could be certain of was his feelings. And they clearly told him that he should thank Beako despite her remembering events differently from him. He owed her for a past that never was and a future that would not come to be.

Furthermore he just wanted to make her smile. She was just too cute not to smile!

Distracted by his happy thoughts of the adorable librarian he didn´t even notice Rem seemingly appearing at his side from thin air.

"How was your session Subaru?"

"Ahh! Oh Rem, it´s you. Scared me a bit there. Hehe."

Quickly his mind wandered back to less than pleasant memories when she had managed to surprise him with a far more fatal outcome.

"I am sorry Subaru. Rem will be louder in the future so that your deaf ears can notice her presence."

"Hey! I am not deaf! You are just super stealthy."

"I believe the correct description would be 'super ultra stealthy'."

"Where did you even learn that word?" he asked genuinely confused.

"From you Subaru. Rem always listens when you speak after all."

"Oh yeah. That sounds like something I would say."

Silence reigned once again only to be occasionally disturbed by the furious scribbling of a quill on paper. Not only did he want to be done with writing exercises for today but he was also eager for his upcoming lesson in swordsmanship by Wilhelm. Who would have thought that the old man could dish be so fast and agile! Even though the wait-haired butler had undoubtedly held back in their match yesterday Subaru was still humbled by the skill he showed.

"Well in all the anime shows I´ve watched butlers are also always cool fighters. I should have expected that to be honest." he silently chuckled to himself.

Even though he was anticipating the day when Felix finally healed his damaged gate so that he could work on his shadow magic again, he also wanted at Crusch´s mansion as long as possible to get taught by Wilhelm. If he became a knight he could do all this cool stuff he only did in games before. He would be useful!

And there went his good mood again.

As if she could sense the shift in his emotions Rem asked:

"Is something troubling you Subaru?"

"No. Everything´s alright. Just tired." he lied with practiced ease.

In reality he was anything but alright. He was lost and sad and, most of all, confused.

When he had to watch how Emilia, Rem and Tanya had been killed right in front of eyes he felt as small and weak as never before. Of all the things Subaru wanted to avoid was seeing his friends in pain and he felt guilty that he had not been able to do more. So enveloped in a spiral of self-hatred and pity had he been that he had not even noticed the difference occurring in the next loop.

Only when Tanya had dropped the metaphorical bombshell on him that she knew about Return by Death had he finally understood.

He was not alone!

But then the stupid sin archbishop had shown up and ruined their conversation! There were so many questions he wanted to ask her, but it never came to be. Then they had to separate when she and the red-haired dude went off to their own home and he had to go with the rest of Crusch´s men.

Actually the redhead looked kind of familiar now that he thought about it. He strongly resembled that one, nice guard who had helped Subaru out once when he was getting mugged for the fourth time. What had been his name again? Re...Rainholm? No...

It probably wasn´t the same guy anyway. What were the chances of that?

He was ripped from his musing by Rem who had miraculously vanished and reappeared to present him with two expensive looking envelopes.

"Subaru, you have mail."

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Tanya was only mildly annoyed when her knight delivered the news to her that the council was planning a ball in her (and Subaru´s) honour. From Crusch´s and Reinhard´s reaction she had already guessed that the defeat of a wanted mass murderer and a few wild beasts was considered a noteworthy event that "needed to be celebrated" by the lazy elite who had no clue what a real battle looked like. She had attended similar festivities in the Empire and as a result she was under no illusion that this occasion would be a dreadfully boring waste of time.

Well, as always she would make the best of it and use the fest to form connections with people whose purse was bigger than their brain. If she could she would wring this useless elite dry for every last coin. And perhaps a couple of them would make good allies in case they had earned their position with more than their birth right. Exceptions were always bound to happen.

The ball was scheduled to commence in three days time, because many of the nobles that had come to the capital to attend the opening of the royal selection had either not departed the city yet or were not far away. Tanya could only scoff when Reinhard explained to her that most important figures travelled comparatively slow, preferring comfort and frequent rests over effectiveness. Such a thing would have never gone unpunished in the Empire.

Luckily she wouldn´t need to prepare anything as the ceremony was hosted at the royal palace. That would also save the Astrea household (and by extension her) a lot of money.

Less nice was that it was at the end of the day still a ball which meant that she was required to at least lead the first dance. Had the (surprisingly progressive) rights in this land not allowed her to attend without a dress then she would have faked a leg injury to weasel her way out of doing more than sitting and eating. The people regarded her as a hero right? Surely they would not criticise her for prioritizing her health over silly rituals.

Of course they would. Humans were irrational creatures that took offense on nonsense like that.

Anyways, as long as she didn´t get pressed into a frilly, feminine, impractical monster of silk and satin the fest wouldn´t be too bad. If she used Reinhard as a convenient dance partner then she wouldn´t even need to let any of the nobles touch her with more than a handshake! (As a bonus he would also ensure her flawless appearance on the dance floor with his Divine Protection of the dancer. Yes, as stupid as it sounded that skill was apparently real.)

Tanya had not much time to prepare her troops until the evening of the ball, but she wasn´t concerned too much about that initially. A gathering of the most important people in the kingdom would obviously have excellent security that would keep them all safe. She wouldn´t really need them as possible meat shields.

Then she remembered how literally nobody at the opening of the royal selection had noticed her fresh recruits outside the windows and beneath palace.

Oh no.

The best warriors in the country had been oblivious to a band of half-starved rookies.

They could have slaughtered at least a dozen nobles at her command.

And it would have been easy.

...

The royal knights were really incompetent, weren´t they?

That wouldn´t be such a problem if the royal family hadn´t been mysteriously wiped out a few years ago. Reinhard was uncharacteristically tight-lipped about the event, but she knew that it had been caused by a sickness of some sorts that only targeted members of the kings' bloodline. While biological warfare was a terrifying concept that she was thankful to have never faced during the Great War, it painted a bleak picture for her future after the royal selection.

With guards like those "protecting" her life she was as good as dead when she became queen. What was stopping the creators of the virus to just make one targeted at her? Or just sneak into the palace through the sewers like her soon-to-be soldiers had done and slit her throat? Damn it! This whole monarchy business was shaping up to be more dangerous than the war in her last world!

Back then she only had to deal with open warfare. It was as simple as it was brutal. Point your gun at the enemy and hit them more than they hit you. That was all there was to it.

Acts of sabotage or espionage had been dealt with by the intelligence division! She had never been trained in this field! Her expertise lay in all kinds of modern, magical warfare, but fending off attacks from the shadows was not part of her resume! Of course she had known all that or else she would not even participate in the royal selection, but only at this moment did she realize how gravely she had underestimated the severity of the situation.

And to make things worse she had almost certainly angered the mightiest terrorist organization on the continent! Everything was going downhill fast.

What if someone like Petelgeuse showed up at the ball?

Or Regulus?

Tanya shivered. To be fair, in that case she would be as helpless as the royal knights. There was nothing she could do against him short of turning the entire palace into rubble in hopes that he suffocated underneath. Maybe Reinhard could...?

No. Putting her strongest asset in unnecessary danger (besides Subaru) was not worth the risk. Surely her personal knight would also find himself powerless against the sin archbishop´s invulnerability.

Maybe the lacking security at the castle was by design. Maybe the council understood that they could do nothing against the inevitable and instructed the guards to focus on looking impressive and strong rather than uselessly struggle against an overwhelming threat. Keeping morale high on a sinking ship was important after all, or else the ensuing panic would prevent anyone from getting to the lifeboats.

Going to the celebration suddenly looked like a far less innocent endeavour.

On one hand, if she went to such a public and well-known event then the possibility that she might die was not insubstantial. On the other hand she could not let her paranoia win over and let her fears dictate her life. Crossing the street was dangerous. Cleaning your rifle was dangerous. Gutting an enemy mage mid flight was dangerous. Every time she went out on a mission for the Empire she had comprehended that it could lead to her death.

The White Silver would not be frightened by bio weapons and seemingly supernatural criminals.

All humans had to embrace their mortality at some point in time and she was no different from the rest!

Except...

That wasn´t true, was it?

Tanya had died twice now. The first time it had ended with her reincarnation, courtesy of Being X and the second time...

She had looped?

Until now she had repressed the memory of her second death a few days ago, but she had not forgotten a single detail about it. How could she not? It just didn´t make any sense, contradicting the laws of causality and reason. Somehow she had the gut feeling that her involuntary time travel was not Being X´s work, as he had not excessively gloated about his newest idiocy to her. It was too simple, too direct to be his design.

Whoever or whatever had revived her would bring her more trouble. Somehow she just knew it.

("Foxxe" reminded me that I like writing poems even though I am not very good at it. So I made a new one in his honour. This time it is entirely canon! If you can figure out what everything means I give you a cookie.)

Bonus: Intangible ownership

Twice the life and twice the pain,

and now joins an unending curse,

to deny rest and force life again.

Looping darkness pulls the hearse.

A selfish wish for salvation,

tricks death and guides her hand.

Into eternal stagnation,

leads her the lover´s brand.

From one fool to another,

jumps her invisible chain.

They bring her only bother,

with nothing much to gain.

It is her unjust sentence,

for being more than allowed,

and showing no repentance,

when still she never bowed.

Though also it is her reward,

as she proved brave and strong.

Only the one most adored,

sees the gift is deeply wrong.

Maddened passion sickens all,

despite true and good intent,

pulls sick and weak into its thrall,

while sane suffer its torment.

How can an unknowing guard,

protect the victim of her master?

Blind to the council of her heart,

all signs point to disaster.

Notes:

Tanya do be getting paranoid. Or is she...?