Chapter 15

I left early in the morning, saying a quick goodbye to Hope and heading to my house. I felt like isolating myself; I know isolating yourself is a red flag, but I need to be alone sometimes. I'll be honest and admit that it never really leads to anything good when I start isolating. But happiness and things going well are always temporary. Some say that the bad days, depression, and darkness are temporary too, but honestly, in my case, they are the only constants in my life right now.

While Hope making an entrance in my life has truly brought longer spouts of happiness and good, they will always be temporary. After I finish this bucket list with Hope, that's when I'm going to finish what I started the night she found me up on that roof. I was brought out of my thoughts when I heard a knock on my door.

"Come in." I raised my voice just a bit, so whoever it was could hear me. My mom poked her head into my room.

"Hey there, hon. I just got a call from the airline saying it's your last chance to use your tickets." I looked at her in surprise.

"I totally forgot about them." She just hummed and looked up in thought. She then looked back at me with a twinkle in her eye.

"I know you had other plans when it came to this trip... But maybe you could still go, but with Hope." I looked away from her. I could feel my emotions slightly flare-up. I definitely had other plans when it came to this trip, the main one being Maddie. I took a deep, shaky breath and let it out slowly while closing my eyes. Once I opened them, I looked towards my mom.

"I don't know, mom." I let out another sigh and looked out my window. I then felt a dip in my bed, and I turned towards it to see my mom.

"Sweetie. I know it hurts. I know you're probably thinking that you're replacing Maddie and that by replacing her, you're betraying her. But sweetie, you're not doing either of those things, because first and foremost, Maddie can never be replaced, and we all know, especially Maddie, that you would never attempt to replace or betray her. I think she would want you to go; this was a dream of yours too." I could feel the hot tears cool down as they reached the bottom of my face and drip off onto my bed. My mom just looked at me, and I could see tears brim her eyes as well. I knew she wanted to reach out and hold me close, but she knew that we both would break a little too much than what either of us wanted to at the moment.

"I'll ask if Hope wants to, and we'll see if her parents approve." My mom gave a small smile then pulled me into a hug. She kissed the side of my head before she got up and headed towards the door.

"You ask Hope. I'll talk to her parents." She said, turning back to look at me before she fully exited my room.

Once my mom left my room, I made my way off my bed and into the bathroom. I didn't recognize the person staring back at me. Their brown eyes aren't glowing with life; they are just dull and lifeless. The darkness and bags under their eyes just show that they don't sleep. Their curly dark brown hair is a mess. Their clothes that used to fit perfectly are loose now. Who is this person? Who am I?

After that last question, I lost all composure and broke down. I sunk to the bathroom floor, sobbing.

"Why? Why? Why?" I kept repeating in a whisper while rocking myself back and forth. I fisted my hands into my hair, pulling on them.

"Why?" I screamed out. Why can't this just be over? I can't take this pain anymore. The voices in my head are winning more and more every day. I feel like I'm going crazy; my whole body is just numb, heavy, and in pain all at the same time.

I couldn't stop crying, each wave hitting harder than the last one. I had my knees still tucked into me with my arms wrapped around them, rocking back and forth to where I would hit my head on the wall. Just trying to get the voices to shut up. I soon felt a presence pull me into them, and I turned further into them, welcoming their warmth.

"I've got you... I'm right here... You're not alone... Let it all out..." Hope softly whispered into my ear as she continued to softly rock us back and forth. Her arms wrapped around me felt like a warm weighted blanket that made me feel safe. Between the comfort and flat out exhaustion from having a complete mental breakdown, I let sleep take me into their arms next.

I woke up to the sound of voices talking outside of my bedroom. I got up groggily and crept over as stealthy as my exhausted limbs could.

"She's fine; she's just sleeping. I would just let her have her space for now." I heard Hope whisper.

"She needs to go to therapy again." I heard my dad whisper.

"Listen, I know you both love her dearly, but making her go to therapy when she's not ready isn't going to help her. It's just going to make her push you both away and cause her to close up more." I heard my mom let out a sigh.

"We just don't know what else to do. We don't want to lose her." My mom whispered out.

"You already have. The daughter you used to have is gone, and she'll never be that person again. You both need to accept that and facilitate a safe place for her to grow and find out who she is now. She's fighting to be something she's not anymore instead of letting go and finding herself and who she is again. You both holding on to an old version of her isn't helping her move on."She whispered, not necessarily yelled or with sass, but very professional like, almost like a doctor talking to a patient.

"I never thought about it like that. You're right." I could hear my mom say in a broken voice. I fastly tip-toed back to my bed before Hope came in. I agreed with my mom; I never thought about it like that either. I've been wondering what happened to me and trying to figure out how to get back to the person I was, but Hope's right. I'll never truly be who I once was because many aspects of my identity died that night. I am fighting for a version of myself that cannot exist instead of discovering who I am now.

"I take it you heard everything?" I jumped back with a yelp.

"Dear Christ, give a girl a warning! I'm going to get you a bell." My heart was racing, and she just laughed at me. She got onto the bed and laid beside me, looking at me while I turned to my side to look at her.

"Thank you." She gave me a questioning look.

"You know, for standing up for me when it came to therapy." She hummed and had a small smile.

"I'll always have your back and be here for you. No matter where we're at, and even if I'm far away, I'll always be there." I smiled at this. This was always going to be the hardest part, letting the people I love to go. I just wish I could die without anyone being hurt or upset; if that were the case, I would have done it a long time ago. I shouldn't let Hope get close to me because that's just going to be one more person devastated, but I'm selfish.

"Hope, do you wanna go to Europe?" She looked at me and smiled.

"Yeah. While you were sleeping, my parents and your parents talked it out. We leave this Friday at 9 am." I smiled and became all giddy. I brought her in for a hug, and we just giggled together.

Present:

"Most people don't know this, but when I was younger, I almost drowned; I remember fighting to grab the side of the pool and pull myself out. When I started to get tired, I told myself one more try, just one more... and then you can let go. That time when I hit the bottom of the pool, and I pushed off of it, I finally got a grip on the side of the pool and was able to pull myself out. I laid their gasping for air, realizing I very well could have taken my last breath.

Ever since then, I've had an irrational fear of dying due to drowning. I've taught myself how to swim, and that has helped... but as I've gotten older, I've realized that you don't have to be drowning in water to feel like you're suffocating, to feel like you can't catch your breath.

Some days are better than others, but those days you feel the burn from holding your breath, trying to fight your body from giving in. The utter betrayal you can feel inching its way closer. You try to grasp the ledge and pull yourself out, but you can't, and when you sink back down, and you're looking up, you realize that you are now deeper. You don't know if you have enough strength to pull yourself out, your whole body is burning, you feel like your mind will explode.

You start to wonder if you should just give in and let the water inside your lungs. Just finally let go so you don't feel the burning anymore, you don't feel like your mind is going to explode, you won't feel like you're suffocating, you'll just drift off and not feel anything. Or do you push through the burning desire to breathe, just to see if this time it'll be different?

What if it's not, though? What if you sink back down further and further to where you can no longer see the light shine down into the top of the water?" The tone of my voice was filled with so much emotion at this point.

"I can't breathe, Nancy. I'm on dry land, and I'm suffocating; it's like my body is rejecting the oxygen. My mind is against me, telling me that my throat is closing, having irrational thoughts, and having short rapid breaths. It's making me start to panic, making my world fall in slow motion as if I'm trapped." I say exasperatedly. I take a deep, steadying breath and look up at her.

"I can't move, so I sink. I sink. I've taught myself how to swim physically, but I'm still drowning mentally." I whisper out in a broken voice.