(16) she starts walking

Airi launches herself at the clinic bed and immediately, she was overwhelmed by how exhausted she was, how her knees were shaking to the point of collapse and how heavy her body was. Finally able to rest, she feels the weight of all that happened earlier separating from her like a ghost undoing its possession and what is left is this indescribable wave of exhaustion that could almost swallow her whole.

Gradually, as her body eases on the bed, she began to feel like her body is being lifted up, floating and she basks in the softness of the cloud beneath her. Her whole body is screaming for a nap and she was just about to oblige when she thinks of Nathan’s words and stays still for a while, wondering what would happen if she did as he said, or if that would be okay.

Nathan then stands up, conflicted over eating lunch or going back to work but decides the latter takes precedence (because Mrs. Taylor apparently asked for it) and goes to his table, reluctantly taking his pen and begins writing when he hears her speak in a low, uncertain voice.

”Is it really okay? To leave it all alone just like that?” Her body is turned towards him, her eyes asking in that pleading way that he thinks she could cry any moment.

It doesn’t take an idiot to see how conflicted she is, although she also sees the point of just abandoning everything and starting over as herself instead of being tied down to some responsibility she half-heartedly committed herself to.

She seemed to be a person with a strong sense of responsibility, he observes all the while thinking about all the things he had heard about her. Like how she is apparently a person who has no regard for others whatsoever and allegedly tried to seduce Ren who happens to have a girlfriend. It didn’t occur to him that the person who feigned illness on the first day of school and that infamous shebitch (his students’ words, not his) were the same person. He’s trying to remember her and how she was that day but honestly, she didn’t really leave an impression on him since, adding to the fact that he lacked sleep that day, students skipping school is pretty normal. This isn’t preschool after all.

Although he remembers that she’s particularly quiet, too quiet for someone acting sick to skip class. Curled and huddled up under the covers, it seemed to him like she actually was sick. He thought he heard her mumbling something but over the fatigue and his heavy eyelids, he decides to ignore it. Probably just him, he thought.

He glances at her before staring ahead and breathing in, pretends to think of what to say, even though deep inside he knows exactly what he wants to say to answer her question. However, he thinks it better not to. An answer like that isn’t something she should consider. Not even slightly.

He instead tells her, “you were young, you were stupid. Isn’t it enough that you regret your actions enough to apologize about it?”

She nods meekly as if making sense of his words. “Thank you,” she says in a weirdly formal way as if finding out that he’s a teacher for the first time. He wanted to tease her about it but thought otherwise and just shrugs, “it’s fine,” he says simply trying to appear cool despite the fact that the sudden act of gratitude caught him off guard. He starts working.

She closes her eyes, absorbing everything that happened today and the events leading up to it. Recalling what happened earlier doesn’t make hear heart ache as much as before but it made her understand how half-hearted she was being about the situation, and to her interactions with Ren. Somewhere inside her, she felt that they were going somewhere, that somewhere along those small interactions, those hi’s and hello’s they had in the past months, he had begun to see that she isn’t what she used to be and acknowledges it.

And she saw it too. It wasn’t much, only a small flicker in his eyes whenever they spoke. However, that was enough to make her feel something, a glimmer of hope. She thought that if this keeps up, everything would be somewhat okay. That being in the same university wouldn’t feel as torturous as it did.

Airi feels her body sink further on the bed and that, along with this overwhelming sense of drowsiness, made her unable to barely open her eyes and gather her thoughts.

What was she thinking again? Right. Leave it alone. What a weird way of phrasing it, she ridiculed with a wistful smile. Come to think of it, it was the first time she had ever asked an advice from someone. She's not used to being helped before so she feels awkward asking for it, and from a stranger no less. Still, she’s grateful because it opened a new path to her that she otherwise wouldn’t have noticed. She wonders if someone told this to her earlier, would she have done everything differently?

She hears Nathan say something to her, but the words reached her muffled and incoherent, buried under the exhaustion that by the time he actually turns to look at her, she’s fast asleep.

He walks over to her, examines her like he would a sick patient, “she’s really been through a lot.” He ponders thoughtfully.

______________

The rest of the months that followed marked the start of the busy months before the semester ends that everyone was basically running around here and there, completing projects, finishing research or studying for exams— too involved in their own lives and problems to bother about Airi and the gossips surrounding her. Although Nathan’s help in subduing people’s anger could have also played a role, as much as she didn’t want to admit it.

There were still the occasional side comments and snickers whenever she passes by. It gets annoying where sometimes she feels like she’s on display for everyone to see and ridicule. Part of her wants to just talk back, ask what their problem was and just start a gaddamn fight because what do they know about her and what she’s going through? However, she stops and composes herself, reminds herself the consequence isn’t what she would want.

This will pass, this will pass, this will pass, she repeats like a mantra to herself. This, along with the support of Zoey and their friends made her think she can handle anything. Even though sometimes she doesn’t know which side Luke and Neil are on what with their endless teasing about her, and her tendency to start beating people with a bat. Apparently, she does it a lot (not).

She couldn’t run away from Ren though, much to her dismay. She can’t exactly avoid him and his group since they shared a class together. She thought after what happened, his friends would be more openly hating on her or even try to do anything to get even because they’re friends, and friends fight for each other. Not to mention there’s Keith. Knowing him, he would surely try to retaliate one way or another. However, to her shock, he didn’t. In fact, they did nothing. At least, nothing physical. The worst thing they ever did to her was just to shoot a piercing glare at her direction enough to melt thick ice in its place, which didn’t fail to remind her that they know what she did.

Or at least, what they thought she did. She wonders if Nina ever told them anything, since saying it means telling the entire story leading up to it as well. So.

But anyway, whatever. Leave it alone, right?

True to her words, she maintained her distance with them to prevent any unwanted events taking place, and everyone has been cooperative so far. No overstepping boundaries, no gray areas. Everything was within the line. Just as she wanted.

She accidentally runs into Ren one day, almost bumping onto him and they lock eyes with each other for a moment. And she sees it. That glimmer. It’s still there trying it’s best to shine beneath a thick cloud of smoke. She decides to break the contact first, remembering her promise to Nina and starts walking away before Ren could even say anything. She didn’t want to stick around and watch that glimmer die, it was pointless to; it was bound to die out anyway.

After all, there was no going back. Not for them. Ever.