Desire is Death

This story is simple. Anyone can understand. It is the story of a boy–Regulus Ark. This is the story of the boy who wanted to die.

[x]

'Ah, this breeze is nice...'

Atop of the school building was, obviously, the roof, and on that was a lone boy. He stood near the edge of the building and took in the incoming gale as if it was a natural day. His jet-black hair flowed along with the wind and his crystal-blue eyes were illuminated by the shining sun.

This boy was unlike any other. Because he wanted to die.

He wanted to die, but he couldn't. He has made various attempts of suicide–also different types–but has failed each one. The boy lost the will to live a long time ago, but, now, he is simply a being wishing for death.

A being who has no will to live, but cannot die, either. It's not like he can't die because of humanly connections, but, instead, he physically can't die.

Whether it is him stabbing himself, drowning himself, chewing his own tongue off and etcetera; he can't die.

'Let's try this once more.'

He laid himself bare–he fell off the building. Falling wasn't a scary part, but what was, would be the process of pain before death. Dying.

It wouldn't be too long before he would hit the ground and become a simple bloodstain on the ground.

4...

3...

2...

The boy stopped, slightly before hitting the ground. Black mist materialized and formed the shape of a hammock, under him. He put his arms on his head and gave a deep sigh. Another plan of suicide was foiled again.

The black mist extended out to the boy's vision and formed yet another shape. This time, it shaped itself into a silhouette.

It dispersed and a woman was left behind. Her hair was a pale silver and her eyes were scarlet-red, similar to blood. Her skin was pale, like a vampire, and her lips looked smooth and soft. Two horns stuck on her forehead.

'Regulus, when will you stop trying?'

She spoke, while her chin was resting on her hand. Her clothes were black and otherworldly, while her lower body was comprised of black mist. The boy, named Regulus, made a "tch!" noise with his mouth gave the silver-haired woman a death stare.

'My question is why do you stop me? Tell me, Astoria.'

A grin appeared on her face, a grin, which always rubbed Regulus the wrong way. The corners of her grin reached her cheeks. It always has made Regulus' stomach churn.

'Because it's my job as a demon.'

Astoria let the black mist go and Regulus landed on his feet. He rubbed his blazer clean of any impurities.

'Then, tell me this, what is your job as a demon?'

The sneer became larger.

'Secret.'

Regulus looked at her once more before starting to walk away. He'd hope that she'd leave him, but she would always follow him. It was like she was head lice that stuck to hair. What annoyed him the most was, of course, her continued attitude of feigning ignorance. Astoria would always have that disturbing smile on her face as she would talk to him, or watch him. She'd occasionally also feign ignorance if asked a question that could reveal her identity.

The boy was a second-year student at his school and was aged sixteen. The first time he had encountered Astoria was two years ago when he made his first suicide attempt. Ever since he has been trying to leave the world when he believed Astoria wasn't looking, but it seemed like she always was.

Walking across the zebra crossing, he entered a small neighbourhood with similar-looking modern houses. Once he walked down for a little while, he stopped at a house. At the front, it said ARIKAWA, at the front on a small rectangle. His family was Japanese.

Though his family was Japanese, his name wasn't. Regulus Ark. Wasn't the type of name you'd see anywhere. Many thought that he was a foreigner, however, that in itself was wrong. He was born to one Japanese and one English, and he was born in Japan. Both of them eventually left him.

(His surname is an abbreviation of his last name, Arikawa. Ark. His first name is actually Regulus.)

Getting out his keys, he opened the door with a single twist. It was a familiar hallway for him. Too familiar. He slowly moved inside and took off his shoes, then proceeded upstairs to change–Astoria followed.

'Why are you following me to my room?'

Regulus said, after finishing changing out of his school clothes. He wore a simple black hoodie with black jogging bottoms.

'Don't worry, I don't have humane desires.'

The demon said, this time without her stomach turning grin.

They went into the kitchen. Regulus took a plain apron from the kitchen counter and wore it over his hoodie. Since Regulus' parents left him for two years, he taught himself how to cook his own food and make it good and ready. Not many boys, in the latest generation, cook like Regulus.

He was making a simple recipe of rice and chicken curry. After eating different things for a while, he wanted to make something that wouldn't be as complicated and would be simple. After an hour and a half, he was done. The rice and curry he made looked good, but it took shorter than he had originally predicted.

Instead of eating with chopsticks, he ate with a spoon. Digging in, he decided that it was great. For making something for the first time, it tasted well. To Regulus, anyways.

Astoria sat on the opposite side of the table and stared at Regulus with a straight look. Regulus thought it was weird.

'What is it?'

'It's just... I want some.'

Instead of focusing on the desires of the demon, Regulus found something in particular very strange.

'Wait, how are you even sitting?'

He put down his spoon and manoeuvred himself downwards, to look under the table, but was stopped by a childish scream.

'Yah~! You can't just look under the table like that, especially in the direction of a woman.'

While Astoria was a demon, her gender was still female. Regulus disliked the playful expression on her face. Digging in once more, he remembered something that would be important for the next day.

'Ah.'

His spoon stayed in his mouth.

'I forgot my bag...'

'Will you get it now?'

The demon asks while eyeing the meal.

'No,'

Regulus continues eating until the last bite.

'I think I'll get it tomorrow morning.'

Astoria flinched, and Regulus noticed it. He thought something was off. Before he could ask anything, Astoria started to unexpectedly question him.

'Tomorrow morning? Are you sure you want to go tomorrow?'

He figured this behaviour was strange but played it off as his mere imagination after he assessed a couple of the demon's mood swings today.

'Yeah, I mean, I don't want to go now. Not after just coming back home.'

That day, Regulus didn't know that that simple decision would change the world he belongs in. Entirely.

[x]

It was early morning, around eight o'clock, and Regulus had already made it to school at that time. The reason he came early was because of his bag. He forgot it after he had jumped off the building because of his suicide attempt.

He entered the school building.

Ever since he woke up, Regulus hadn't seen any sign that Astoria had been awake. At first, he thought about jumping off the building once more, today, but it would defeat his purpose of coming to school early. She's most likely awake.

'Hey, look, it's Arikawa.'

Small whispers could be heard from girls who were watching Regulus as he walked along.

'Didn't he change his surname to "Ark?" What a loser. For a handsome guy, his looks sure are wasted.'

'Yeah, ditto. I agree.'

Regulus ignored their comments and started walking up the main staircase toward the building's rooftop. Walking up the stairs seemed like it would take an eternity. He was at the door of the roof by the time his stamina ran out. He thought that walking up a flight of stairs was harder than running a 500m race.

Opening the door, the passing gale strikes him like a hammer. It felt good for him. Regulus felt free when experiencing the brief coldness of the wind that licks his skin. Closing the door, he walked around searching for his bag. Going back to his place of attempted suicide, his bag wasn't there.

Perhaps someone had taken it?

'I can't find it. I have English today, and my homework is in my notebook.'

Regulus scratched his head and he muttered to himself as he walked around slowly and aimlessly. Almost instantly, he regretted coming out to school early just to simply look for his bag.

'Are you looking for this?'

A voice snapped Regulus out of his state of regret. It was a female voice, and it wasn't Astoria's. This voice sounded more serious and rather elegant, compared to Astoria's tone of supremacy and childishness.

His head shot around, looking from where the voice came from. There wasn't any luck in finding it. Then, the voice spoke once more.

'Up here.'

He tilted his head upwards toward the door leading back down into the building. Atop of the small block with the door, was a girl. She wore the same uniform as him.

Her hair was jet-black, similar to his, and her eyes were a glistening purple. On her ear was a strange earring–it was in a †-shape. In her one hand was a bag, and on her other arm was another bag. Regulus assumed that the one she was holding was his.

'Uhm, yes, I am.'

Regulus is similar to a hikikomori who hasn't socialised for years. He clams up when talking to people he meets for the first time. Because Astoria messes with him, he talks with her in a defiant tone.

(Hikikomori is Japanese for a shut-in.)

She gave a brief smile. It suited her perfectly. The girl was beautiful. She looked like she would be perfect as a model, though she also had a delinquent vibe to her. Both were fine for Regulus. His face beat red as she jumped down toward him.

The girl gave him the bag which was on her arm. Regulus accepted it while looking downwards toward the ground. At this point, he was ready to leave. He bowed as a short "thank you" and left for the door.

'Hold it. What's your name?'

Looking back, he answered obediently.

'It's–'

The boy stopped. Not sure whether to say his actual name or the name he changed it to.

'Regulus Ark. What's yours?'

'Regulus... Well, my name is Kaiyo Nagisa. Nice to meet you, Ark. Hope we meet again.'

He nodded and said, "you too," under his breath but it wasn't audible. And so, he descended down the stairs. Regulus couldn't contain it anymore. His heart has never beat rapidly for a girl before. This was the first time he was experiencing the humane emotion of love.

That girl was beautiful but something about her made Regulus feel uneasy. Maybe it was just his conscious awareness of others. Either way, he felt like he'd meet that girl again.

[x]

'Wait, no way, she...'

Now, it is currently after school, and Regulus has finally noticed something. Actually, two things. First, the bag that Kaiyo Nagisa gave him was wrong. The bag he received was actually her bag. He first noticed this during English and he presumed that she would come back for her bag, but apparently, he was wrong.

One would think that finding out that the bags they exchanged were wrong would be an easy task, and it was, for Regulus, at least.

Another thing he realised was the name, Kaiyo Nagisa. At first, he thought that Kaiyo Nagisa was a transfer student, but she was, in fact, one of the most famous girls in his year.

Kaiyo Nagisa, the one they call the Black Queen. She was revered deeply by the boys, but that didn't mean much. Among the girls, she was like an idol, similar to how the boys viewed her.

Her amazing grades, carefree posture and kind but rough nature. She was the number one female student in second-year. Even the student council president had tried to recruit her at one point and even promised her the duty of next president, however, she kindly declined.

Regulus can't believe that a girl like her would ask for his name. This thought faded away once he remembered that he had to return her bag.

«If people realised I had her bag, they would freak. They'd be the cats and I'd be the mouse.»

Regulus thought.

'Well then, I'd better return this to her.'

He muttered to himself. Grabbing the bag, he handled it gently after learning of who it actually belonged to. Exiting his classroom, Class 2-3, Regulus ventured toward the end of the corridors next to the staircase. Kaiyo Nagisa's classroom was, naturally, Class 2-1. Regulus wasn't sure if she'd still be there, but if she was, then it would be luck.

As soon as he reached the classroom, he slid the door open. Scanning the room, no one was left inside. Even the people on classroom duty seemed to be gone. Something touched the shoulder of Regulus, panicking, he turned around and faced someone.

It was a boy. Probably the one on classroom duty. He looked nervous and stared at Regulus. Scratching his face with his index finger, he asked.

'Is there anything you need, Arikawa?'

'Oh, um... Ah. Is Nagisa here?'

The boy of Class 2-1 then gave him a pitying look.

'Sorry, she was on classroom duty today, but I insisted that I do it all by myself and she went home.'

So he had missed her.

Regulus moved out of the way.

'Right, sorry then. I'll be going now. Bye.'

The boy waved at Regulus, who, now, was descending the stairs.

He thought that he may be able to catch up to Nagisa, despite it being thirty minutes after school. But once he realised how long it had been since everyone left, he stopped running.

«There was no point in running to catch her. Thirty minutes... She's bound to be on the train or something by now.»

Regulus concluded that he had to bring her bag home with him and give it back to her tomorrow. Such a mundane task seemed so tiring. Finally reaching the exit, he left the school and headed for his house.

He reached his area in a matter of twenty minutes. Surprisingly, Regulus didn't feel as tired as he does on the daily. It's probably because Astoria decided not to appear today. Now that he thought about it, he felt slightly more lonely now that Astoria hadn't appeared. There have been times where she has appeared but not said anything, but just her presence seems to make Regulus feel better. He didn't notice until now.

If not for Astoria, he'd be a person without relation to anyone or thing. Though she's stopping him from leaving the world, she was also there for him to remain in the world. A thought crossed Regulus' mind. He wondered how Astoria would feel if he died.

Would she cry?

Would she laugh?

Would she care?

Would she be apathetic?

How would she react?

Regardless, Regulus still wants to leave the world where he has practically nothing.

'Hey, Regulus!'

He heard a shout as he approached his house. Looking up toward his fence, he saw the same girl he had seen on the roof this morning. Kaiyo Nagisa. She was beaming and waving at him.

The boy wondered how she had found out where he lived. His thoughts appeared on his face, though, Nagisa misread his face.

'You're wondering why I'm calling you Regulus, right?'

She said while rubbing her head as if she was guilty.

On a personal level, Regulus didn't care about something that basic, albeit, he still wondered how she found out where she lived. For some reason, he felt like it'd be wrong to ask.

Regulus sauntered toward his fence. Opening it, he approached the door and opened that. Inside, he took off his shoes. Before going inside any deeper, he turned back to Nagisa–his face was light pink. He was blushing.

'C–come in.'

Those were the only words that escaped his mouth. Nagisa accepted his proposal without a second of hesitation. She took off her shoes and entered the house. The girl sat at the table and the boy served cold apple juice since it was the only thing he could really serve her. He sat down opposite her.

'Well, I think you know why I came here, right?'

'R-right.'

Regulus kept stuttering because this was the first time anyone had come to his house. He was even more nervous knowing that it was the most popular girl in second-year. Grabbing Nagisa's bag, he handed it to her. Getting it, Nagisa hands over Regulus' bag to him. He accepted it.

Now, that transaction was done.

'Say, tell me, I've been curious ever since we met.'

The one, sitting opposite of Nagisa, stiffened up a little. At this point, it sounded like she wanted to know more about him. It only sounded like that. The entire mood changed once she spoke again and Nagisa's usual attitude seemed different now. Regulus felt chills in the air. He gulped down his apple juice in one go and nodded at Nagisa, nervously.

'You–'

Her index finger extended out.

'–have a demon, don't you?'

Abruptly, for Regulus, it felt like his heart was in his head. He could hear every beat distinctively. The two beats per second. It almost felt like it was speeding up for him. What he was feeling was fear, however, only the word "demon" caused it.

He tried to play it off.

'What are you talking about?'

Though Nagisa didn't take well to it.

'Why're you trying to hide it? It's obvious for me to tell. I can sense your fear. And you're sweating unnaturally. If it weren't for those, I may have been fooled.'

'I still have no idea what you're talking about.'

Nagisa noticed something.

«Well, well... He's somehow hidden his fear.»

'Fine, if you just continue to deny it, then it'll be fine if I do this.'

Nagisa got out of her seat and extended herself across the table. She reached her left hand out. It had some sort of ring on it. It had a cross, as well as, a red jewel too. Her hand was repelled, not by Regulus but by someone else.

Black mist appeared and took form–a white-haired woman with blood-red eyes shaped from the black mist. It was Astoria. A demon.

'You won't lay a finger on Regulus...'

Astoria, who is usually nice, was hostile toward Nagisa. Nagisa appeared to be side-on, in a position. She was posed for battle.

'Regulus! Come with me, and I'll save you from the demon. I'm an exorcist, one who erases demons from the physical world. I'll erase the demon and save you, so–'

She stuck out her hand.

'–take my hand!'

If Regulus hadn't thought about Astoria earlier, he may have gone along with the deal. There was no way to know if what she was saying was true. Plus, if Astoria was gone, no one would be there for him. He had finally realized that.

'Sorry. I won't. I'd rather take Astoria's hand than take yours.'

The eyes of Astoria lit up. This change of attitude must've been weird for her. From defiant and suggestive, to kind and considerate. (That's how she saw it.)

'A shame.'

The so-called exorcist flicked her left arm down. The ring on her hand transfigured into a silver scythe. The blade was black, while the rest was silver. Cursive writing was on the head of it–it said MORI.

(Mori is Latin for death. I believe.)

'I'll have to kill you, Regulus.'

Regulus' heart beat faster. He didn't know if he should be happy about it or not. He wanted to end his life himself, but would he be satisfied if someone else killed him. The answer in his heart was... "no."

Astoria flew around and floated behind Regulus. Regulus stood still and accepted whatever Astoria would do to him. She gently grabbed his chin and brung her face closer to his. Her stomach churning smile appeared on her face. To Regulus, it didn't seem stomach-turning anymore.

'That's too bad for you. Because Regulus' desire is "to die."'