Chapter One: « endless autumn »

My name is "Mara", and it means death. I named myself; my parents named me "Fuyu", a boyish name. I don't know why they named me like this, but I think that they have the same idea as mine that I don't belong here and I was not meant to be born. My story started on the first day of primary school. Everyone around me was excited for this day, but I was scared to death. We are in front of the school, a traditional, pretty school. Looking around, I was amazed by the crowd in front of me. I don't go out of the house a lot, so I know nothing about people or how to even say hi to someone. I not only had this, but I always wondered how it felt to touch someone else. My eyes were rolling around watching all these people shaking hands and hugging. I was always afraid of being touched or of touching others. My hands were shaking. I don't know why, but all I knew at that moment was that I was very scared. When my life in primary school started, it was hard for me because I was avoiding everyone in the school: my teachers, my classmates... I didn't want to be touched by anyone, not even by mistake. Day by day, everyone was looking at me, and I hated their look that told me that I was weird and scary. I don't blame them somehow; it was true. Since I was young, I loved the color black, the color of death. Everything around me was black: my clothes, my hair, my bag, etc.I feel safe having this color simply because it's the color of my soul. It's raining heavily, and I'm handling my transparent umbrella that I love so much because it allows me to see the dark sky and those drops of water like seeing my crying soul that wants to scream, waiting for my parents to come to take me. They are late again. Standing there, my heart knew that there was something not okay. This is when I felt a hand in my shoulder grabbing me too hard to the wall. I was so shocked that I couldn't scream; my body was numb and I couldn't move. Who is this? What does he want? Is there someone to help me? This was all I could think of. I was on the floor, and the man was taking my clothes off. My small hands couldn't do anything; my eyes were so dark that I couldn't see anything; and my voice was gone. He stared into my body, and he started to kiss me. At this moment, I knew why I hated being touched. There was pain, pain that I couldn't bear. I felt like a piece of my soul was taken. My body was in endless pain. My voice was out. I was screaming too loud from the pain. The man was just standing there in shock. What the hell is going on? Luckily, one of the teachers was there correcting the exams; she heard the scream and came immediately, as did the security guard. Everyone was just standing there looking at my naked small body crawling in the floor. The teacher came to take me, but once she touched my skin, the pain grew, and I screamed out loud that I felt my voice was gone. 

-  Don't touch me. Don't touch me. 

This was all I remember from that night.