The House

That late afternoon, after shaking off the sulking Lucas, Althea went home.

Her home.

If only she could call it that.

"I'm home." Althea said as she entered her house.

"Thea? You're home? help me organize these things." Her mother called.

"Coming, Mother." Althea quickly went to change her clothes and busied herself. It had been a routine for her to help her parents once she got home. Her family ran a small shop at home. As her father was physically weak, she took on some of the roles her mother had to do to support her family.

"Why are you home late today?" Her mother asked her as she organized some boxes.

"I had a student council meeting today." Althea answered as her hands keep moving. Her mother didn't give any response as if she didn't hear it at all, and fear started creeping up her heart.

"We will have a big school event next month so-"

"So what does it have anything to do with me? Or your work?" Her mother cut her sentence. Althea felt like she was choking and bit her lower lip.

"I understand, Mother. Tomorrow I won't have any meetings so I'll go home quickly." Althea tried to assure her mother who didn't look her way even once since she went home.

Unable to say anything more, Althea silently finished her work while keeping a sigh in her mind. She looked at the back of her mother who bore most of the burden of having a family and assured herself that her mother is a good woman. A good but poor woman who needed to work harder than anyone else. She tried to understand her mother's difficulties, but the current her still couldn't let go of the small wish to be understood, at least as a daughter.

***

"Sister!" A little boy around 6 years old stood up from his crouching position and ran to her once she entered the study room.

"Hi Haru, have you been good today?" She ruffled his little brother's soft hair.

"Yes, I've been studying by myself." He pointed at the messy pencils and crayons all over the floor.

Althea smiled and took her little brother to his room. After he's asleep, she went to clean the study room and did her own study afterward.

It was around 1 am when she finished, the caffeine she consumed a few hours ago is still affecting her spirit to study. Leaning her forehead on the table, she remembered her talk with her mother this afternoon. Soon she felt fear slowly gripping her heart and she shook her head fiercely.

'No. I'm her daughter. It's my duty to fulfill her expectations. She's just stressed due to the work. She won't get mad at me.' Althea whispered to herself.

For Althea, her mother is a complex. She yearns for the love and affection her little brother gets, but at the same time, the multiple experiences of getting a beating and lectures since her childhood are creating a scary image of her own mother.

For her who always felt a heavy sense of responsibility, she was highly conflicted by this. Her idealism of a family is telling her that she needs to fulfill her mother's expectations, to fully focus herself on helping her parents, and become the role model for her brother. But a small, hidden part of her which refused to cease wants to explore the wide world. She wants to find herself, she wants to feel a close bond with a stranger, a friend, a lover. While the years have worn down her will, the essence in itself refused to be extinguished.

Sigh...

Althea heaved a long sigh. If only she could trust people, or at least her friends, enough to bare the fear in her heart, she might feel less suffocated. But she always felt like she doesn't deserve to bother them with her own stupid feelings. She was also afraid of being judged by them, or if the very feeling itself might get denied and ridiculed, exposing her weak, ugly self. But lately, she found someone who might not judge her. It was a strange, blind trust which appeared out of nowhere. Maybe it's because he always says things straightforwardly whether it's good or bad which makes her feel safe, at least from overthinking.

"Have you ever feel like you are worthless?" she typed in her phone. Her hands hovered on top of the send button for a few minutes.

'Should I send it to him? what if I disturbed his sleep?' She thought. She refused to think another second and clicked send.

Slightly regretting her decision, she waited for an answer that she thought wouldn't come before her phone rang, surprising her.

"Always." Ray replied.

Althea blinked her eyes a few times.

'Always feel unworthy?'

"You? But why? You're kind and nice and smart, you're almost perfect!" She typed quickly, impatient to argue.

"You might be the only one who thinks so."

"No way, anyone who has been in contact with you would have known."

"I doubt. Never mind that though, why aren't you asleep yet?"

Althea halted.

"Just because. Anyway, if you do really feel you are worthless, how do you manage to become the you right now though? How did you get over it?"

On the other side of the phone, Ray unknowingly smiled while shaking his head seeing the girl who's trying to dodge the question and only eager to get her answers.

Ding!

Althea received a picture of a meditating panda with big capital letters on top of it saying,

"BY NOT GIVING A F**K"

And a laugh which she hadn't had for awhile burst.