PATHETIC

November 11

LIENNA

Staring at the white plain ceiling blankly, I ponder what is even happening. There is a knock on the door as I sit up straight and wipe the tears yet again.

"Yes?"

"Hope, it's me," Conor says entering the room. I gulp and then smile.

"Do you need something?"

"Yes. I need to know the reason for you being upset since the party."

I gulp again and don't look at him as I try to find an excuse.

"Umm, it's just...."

He sighs softly and comes to sit beside me on the bed.

"It's okay if you don't wanna tell me but please if I will be able to help, you just have to say." Gulping the tears I bite my lips and nod, still not looking at him because I am afraid, I will cry and also because I don't know what I feel for him, for us. I sense his hand caressing my hair as he gets up and plants a kiss on my forehead.

"You know I can't see you like this. Please tell me if you feel like you are alone. You will never be alone because I will always be there no matter what." I nod and finally look at him and smile a little.

"I know Conor. I am just...I am still figuring it out myself." He nods with a smile and doesn't ask me anything about it anymore.

"I am leaving for a week." My eyes widen as I stand up from the bed quickly in front of him.

"What? A week?? But why??" He chuckles looking at me amused as I too realize what I just did. But I am genuinely worried. He has never gone more than 3 days away and I am scared that this time it's a week. How can I stay alone for a week in this giant mansion?

"Don't worry. It will pass in a blink. Will you miss me, baby?" I feel a blush on my cheeks when he calls me this softly while looking deep into my eyes. I nod while pursuing my lips.

He kisses my temple and pulls me in for a hug. I wrap my hands around him too and try to forget everything else for a few seconds but it's impossible to forget Sam, even for a second and it makes me feel guilty. Because I cannot keep lying to Conor. No matter how much time passes, maybe, eventually, I will even have feelings for him, but they will never be as deep as those for Sam.

"Take care of yourself, ok? If something happens you know you just have to call me, and I will be with you at the speed of light!" I giggle and nod as we separate from the hug.

"I love you so much." I smile hearing him but then my smile fades remembering Sam said the same every hour back then. He used to say he would make sure I never forget how much he loves me, how much I love him. And he was right. I really have no idea how much I actually do love him that I have not been able to get him out of my heart knowing I am someone's fiancé, knowing he is dating my best friend now. I am pathetic.

"I am patiently waiting for the day you say it back. And even if it takes a lifetime, I will still wait." I control my tears hearing him and just hug him again. He hugs me back caressing my head.

"It's ok. Don't feel guilty Hope. I know one day you will break the boundaries and tell me everything." I nod still my head on his chest. I will, but I fear that day will be the end of us. Because I know I will never be able to love anyone more than Sam.

....

Letting out a deep breath, I close my eyes as I feel the cool breeze grazing my exposed arms and collarbone giving me a slight shivery feel that is soothing my mind and calming the protruding heartbeat of mine that has been this way since I met Sam.

"Ma'am? It's chilly out here. Will you not like to go inside instead?"

I hear my caretaker Amy whisper as I turn my face to her opening my eyes. She seems startled by my blank stare. Frowning my eyebrows I tilt my head and look at her deeply.

"M-Ma'am?" I chuckle softly seeing her intimidated by me. I know she thinks it's very weird as for the whole year I have just shown my smile to her. I bring my usual light smile on my face as without any more conversation, I turn my heels and go inside the fancy mansion. My only favorite place in this mansion is this garden filled with white roses and white tulips. My favorite kinds and colors. But I hiss when the memory stored deep in my mind makes its way to blind me again. When Sam promised he would grow a garden filled with white roses and tulips for me. He said I wouldn't ever be able to count all of them and that it would be our favorite secret spot. Where we would come to escape everyone and be us, where would do our sneaky business, where we would do all those silly things that we would be too old to do in front of others. Tears gather in my eyes yet again, but I know how to control them as I take a deep breath, go to my room, and lock it just like any other day.

"I am so sorry Conor." I say when I take out my phone and search for Sam Christian. Pathetic.

....