BLAME
LIENNA
"Are you better hmm?" I ask him, keeping my hands on his knees as he smiles and brings my hand to his lips giving a kiss on the back of it. I feel my body and my heart reacting to his soft touch in a very good way, the same way, the same feeling. The feeling I missed badly. He makes me get up from kneeling in front of him and makes me sit beside him. Just when I do, he lays his head on my lap and closes his eyes. My heart starts beating so fast. It's all so familiar and overwhelming. And I can't stop liking it. I know my cheeks are red, but I am trying to hide them with my long hair.
"My head hurts." He says in a whisper as I understand immediately what he wants. It's like before, he would lay his head on my lap and ask me to massage it. I don't hesitate and take my fingers in between his smooth light brown hairs and caress them as I feel his tensed shoulders and irregular heartbeat relaxing. The frown on his face is no more and I forget everything else for now. I just focus on him and me. I know it's wrong, but I have done enough wrong with myself for the sake of not doing others wrong.
"I am so sorry for everything. Please don't leave me again." He speaks in a barely audible and sleepy voice. I whisper back.
"I won't. I promise." Right now, it all feels just so right. And my heart feels calm. I am calm.
But he needs to know something too. He needs to know about the fire. That fire which...destroyed everything but me. That fire is the cause of my, Sam's, and Mia's sufferings. No matter how angry I want to be at her, she was my best friend, my heart sister, and now that Sam told me why they were dating I can't blame Mia. Feelings develop, they don't ask for your permission, and it's not a sin. She thought I was dead and couldn't control her heart. It's not her fault. I am not that 19-year immature girl. I am a 25-year-old mature woman now. And I admit I was wrong 7 years ago; Sam was surely thinking about mine and his future. He was surely more mature than me and he did right by leaving me. He didn't exactly leave me, he just wanted to have a break to create a better future for both of us. But I just couldn't understand him at that time. If only I had, none of this would have happened. There is no one to blame. Not Sam, not Mia, not Conor who saved me and fell in love with me, and maybe it's not even my fault. Mia. I need to talk to her too. Looking down, a soft smile makes its way to my lips when I see Sam sleeping soundly. Very slowly and carefully, I get up and lay his head on the small cushion and leave his office to go to Mia now.
.....
I ask the Conor's secretary to tell me Mia's phone number and address and he provides me with all the needed info without any questions. Well, Conor has ordered his workers to listen to me and give me what I ask for. Showing the address to my driver, I ask him to take me there and he does, again without any question. I can't go anywhere without a driver though.
My heart beats fast in nervousness when I find myself standing just in front of her apartment door. Taking a deep breath, I knock 4 times. A few seconds pass and an old woman opens it. She looks at me confused as I give her a soft smile.
"I am Mia's friend. Will you let me meet her if she is here?" She looks at me wide-eyed.
"You know her real name??" I frown but nod. Then I remember what Sam told me. No one knows her name.
"Ahh yes. I am her close friend, but we lost contact." She looks at me guardedly but then sighs and lets me in after noticing me from top to bottom.
"Come in dear."
I thank her and enter inside and take off my heels at the doorstep noticing her doing the same.
"She has been crying for the last 3 days. I had finally started seeing a true smile on her face a few months back, but she is again crying now. I feel pain seeing her like that. She is like my own daughter, but she won't tell me anything. P-please, help her d-dear." She says turning to me and joining her hands. I widen my eyes and quickly hold her joined hands as I ask her to not do that.
"No, no please don't ma'am. I will talk to her don't worry." I give her an assuring smile as she wipes at her eyes and nods taking me to a closed door.
"This is her room." She knocks and speaks softly.
"Honey....?" But no one answers as she sighs like it's normal.
"It's ok. I will see. You go and rest hmm?" She gives me a half-hearted smile and nods, leaving me alone. My heart hurts hearing all that she said. I knew Mia must be in pain too. I am here to tell her that it's not her fault. And she shouldn't be sorry. I am about to tell her it's me when my hand pauses as I hear a guitar. I know she plays guitar, but I am confused as to why is she playing it right now. But I retrieve my hand when I hear her voice coming out from there. She is singing and her voice is teary and in pain. I can hear her. Sitting down against the door while bringing my knees close to my chest and wrapping my arms around, I close my eyes and listen to her explaining her feelings.
~I still remember the third of December, me in your sweater
You said it looked better on me than it did you
Only if you knew how much I liked you
But I watch your eyes as she
Walks by
What a sight for sore eyes
Brighter than the blue sky
She's got you mesmerized while I die
Why would you ever kiss me?
I'm not even half as pretty
You gave her your sweater, it's just polyester
But you like her better
Wish I were Heather
Watch as she stands with her, holding your hand
Put your arm 'round her shoulder, now I'm getting colder
But how could I hate her? She's such an angel
But then again, kinda wish I-I were dead as she
Walks by
What a sight for sore eyes
Brighter than the blue sky
She's got you mesmerized while I die
Why would you ever kiss me?
I'm not even half as pretty
You gave her your heart, it's just a p-promise
But you like her better
I wish I were Heather
I wish I were Heather
(Oh, oh)
I Wish I were L-Lienna
Why would you ever kiss me?
I'm not even half as pretty
You gave her your love, it's just an emotion
But you like her better
I Wish I were L-Lienna
When she stops singing, I can sense her crying and I can't even blame her, I am crying too, I am crying more. I didn't know, I had no idea she loves him this much. I had no idea she is in this much pain herself. I can't control it anymore as I get up and knock on the door violently and say while sobbing.
"Open the d-door!! Open it M-Mia!!"
I yell and cry as I feel the doorknob turning and then I see Mia standing in front of me. Seeing her red eyes, her endless tears flowing down, her shocked face, and a few scratches on her exposed arms and half-exposed legs, I don't think twice and hug her tightly. I start to cry and sob and just whatever. She is standing like a mannequin as I hug her tighter.
"L-lienna....." She whispers as she too breaks down and hugs me back crying.
"I-I am s-sorry...I am s-so sorry." She says 'sorry' over and over, but I shake my head and pull back from the hug.
"No Mia. It's not your fault. Stop apologizing. I am not here to forgive you."
She looks at me with a hurt, scared, shameful face but I shake my head again and cup her face.
"Mia I am not here to forgive you because there is nothing for which you should need my forgiveness." Her confused teary eyes meet mine as I try to give her a soft assuring smile.
"It's not your fault Mia. It's no one's fault. I am here to tell you to not blame yourself."
She starts crying again and hugs me tightly not saying anything, but I know she is so grateful to hear all this. It must have felt like hell to her. She couldn't talk to me or Sam. And her heart must have hurt so much knowing Sam blames her. But he shouldn't. I understand he got carried away by his emotions, we all did, but he shouldn't have blamed her. She was probably just as shocked to find me alive at the party.
"I a-am so g-glad that y-you are al-ive Lienna."
"I know, I know. Sshh....stop crying hmm?" She nods and backs away as she wipes her tears and smiles at me softly.
"I missed you so much. You have no idea how I have been."
"I think I do. Crying every day? Giving yourself pain? Thinking you are the reason for everything bad happening? Why did you hmm? It was never your fault. Mia, a heart doesn't listen to you. It just does what it wants. If you love Sam, it's not your fault. Don't regret loving him hmm?"
She looks at me with wide eyes and tears escape her blue eyes again as she looks down.
"I....I didn't want to....I didn't want to love h-him."
"I know. Don't feel like you betrayed me, Mia. Yes, I did think it was a betrayal too that day but now that I had the time to think it through, you didn't betray me, neither did Sam. So don't feel sorry for loving him."
.....