Smoke and Ego

I told him everything, the morbid and lurid happenings in my life. There are no left tears to shed till I've gone numb and tired remembering it and sharing it to someone else, for the first time except Larrison who caused me too much chaos.

I stared at him since he never uttered a thing and just stayed silent listening attentively.

"What happened right there is unforgivable, so if you decided to kill me i would never stopped you even if im scared" i muttered

"I would be glad if you do, I have no assurance if this panic will occur again or not, i don't want to hurt people anymore" i murmured ashamed and grievous. I killed them ruthlessly, I deserve no forgiveness.

"What did he do to make you not turn into a complete psycho?" He finally asked. I gave him a look of hesitant and a painful remorse strive in my chest

"He did nothing, he believes, everyone believes he did something but all he did was to keep an eye on me because he was threatened by me, he gave me company throughout my struggles facing the consequences I did to his members. He makes me believe it isn't my fault, that it's all alright on his behalf. Yet, he didn't helped me at all, it's like when I saw him, he keeps reminding me of what I had done, when he complimented me of doing a great job it's sounded a mockery, I have felt it all along that one time I felt the need to get rid of him, but something went wrong with me. I can't hurt him, there's the feeling that I cannot do something about him. So the only thing that would keep me away from him is to cage him behind bars for a lifetime. I betrayed him in one of those dealings we've gone together" I explained to him as the narrow grief went worse.

"Are you telling me you have live your whole life dealing with that PTSD?" He got up on his seat and hovered in front of me

"Not exactly but, I have friends who helped me forget about it" i answered averting my eyes on his collar and immediately returning to his eyes

"Friends?" He almost purred as if suspecting me. I chose not to answer him and cautiously crawled backwards when he started leaning closer.

"Now, now. If you're that scared to die because you're afraid about your friends who need help. Would you refuse if I helped you?" He offered as he ran his fingers on my lower leg.

"How can you possibly help me?" I asked cautiously.

"There no need for you to know, i sincerely wanted to help" He grinned that just make him more suspicious

"And if I don't?"

"Are you seriously refusing a kind proposal? I'm just asking for one condition" he scoffed

"What would it be if I agreed?"

He turned to me bemused and his face turned automatically playful.

"Be my wife until then" he purred and again crawled slickly above me.

"And when I say Wife, you'll act such-"

"No" i cut him making him clenched his jaw

"You'll act such one only if needed" he continued as he glared looking down at me.

I contemplate his proposal and I consider what happened earlier, how fast he brought me back to my senses, and how effective his occurrence can stop me. I need him. We evenly need each other, or so I assumed. Is acting as his wife really going to help him?

"Why do I need to act as your wife?" I narrowed my eyes suspiciously.

"Are you suggesting we should take it seriously? Oh well, I'll have to think about it fur-"

"That's not what I mean!" I exclaimed and he just chuckled.

"No particular reason. i just wanted to have a woman beside me so no one's going to bother me you know". His vanity was quite a bit much but I can't help but to agree with him. I know how it felt to be bothered, but in his case it's more like irritation and exhaustion while mine was pure mockery and detrimental.

"Fine, how long will it last?" I finally agreed sighing

"Till I've grown tired" he uttered as his eyes gleamed with incomprehensible emotions.

"So, it's kind of using me?" I deadpanned

"Isn't it obvious?"

"I think it should be fine" I replied again being the luckiest person who barely makes a choice for herself.

He suddenly snickered victoriously in a low manner and started snuggling in my neck.

"I thought we'll only be like this if needed?" I started to get annoyed with him.

"I needed it, can't you share a little warmth today?" He purred as he lick my skin

"No" i uttered sternly

"Or what honey?" he taunted, lifting my shirt and caressing my tummy, his hand was so cold that it sent chills over my body.

"You're so warm Khalil, can I have a little bit of it?" He asked surprisingly softly. I observe him for a while and he doesn't seem to ask anything else rather than a cuddle, he seems restless too so it's quite a pity to look at him.

My hand moved on its own and went to fiddle on his soft silky black locks, his shampoo quickly reached my nose that I couldn't help but to lean on his head and pulled him more.

I could never admit it to myself, but it's been grueling in my head that his presence and touches somewhat calm me and soothes my tension even though he's one of the reasons I deal with it.

"Khalil, I forgot to tell you something" he mumbled in my neck. I didn't respond but I let him know that I'm on my ears.

"You can't smoke while you're acting as my wife"

My nerves literally halted and tensed at his statement.

"You can't be serious" I hissed frustrated

"Tell me if you feel the need to smoke and I'll come to do this with you, isn't it more preferable?" He bit me gently and kissed it afterwards, what he did flutters my chest, and tummy. I chose to be silent and just fiddled on his hair. He can't stop me from smoking.

"That feels nice" he breathed as he slid his hand on my bust. My whole body shivered as he gently massaged it as if didn't pay no heed to my sudden reaction.

"Jarred" I breathed warningly.

"Mmm? Just feel it sweetie, i won't touch you" he murmured as he didn't stop what he was doing.

"You're already touching me Jarred" I whimpered as he pinched the sensitive part of my bosom.

"Stay quiet" he sweetly commanded.

I didn't say any words at all and unknowingly clenched his hair as he went by my other breast.

I'm getting aroused, cuddles probably don't last long if one or two people hardly get into action or active in this kind of action. I certainly prove it.

"Tell me, you'll choose it over a filthy cigar" he coerced as he moved his head to kiss my chin.

"It won't be that easy" i almost whispered

"It'll eventually" he replied and finally retreated his hand out and went to hold my nape pulling me into a deep kiss.

He wondered and tasted my lips for only a brief second that it haunts me and he gets back snuggling in my neck and hand in my tummy.

I easily got turned on and I needed more, so I shifted our position and hovered over him.

I looked down to see him, but when I saw his confused and somewhat bothered expression my desires quickly evaporated, that isn't the face I expected to see. I expected eyes more aroused than I am, to be welcomed with equal desires. I glanced down on the particular part where it must prove that a man was aroused yet nothing appeared suspicious.

He didn't feel anything with this kind of act? He even cupped my front? Kissed me? Why isn't there any reaction?

"If i'm not mistaken you find it really arousing based on your facial expressions, And you're probably curious why i wasn't?" He reads my face making me turned to him hiding my disappointment and somewhat frustration

"I can't blame you tho, being with me would make other girls squirm, how much more having a cuddle?" He stated vainly.

The thought of not arousing him as he crumpled to me is hurting my female ego, knowing full well I got easily turned on.

I hastily got out above him and went to sit on the couch needing more for smoke at the moment.

"I'd rather smoke than cuddle with someone who doesn't share the same intimate '' I muttered coldly.

"Khalil, did you seriously think I would get aroused by someone like you? Just with the mere cuddling? Sorry to offend but I just wanted some warmth from you, nothing else, sure you got that nice bum but your physical warmth seems to be more worthy" he explained not really caring how it would affect me.

"That's why I would prefer smoke, warming me inside, rather than absorbing your temperature throughout my skin." I told him with a bitter voice

"Khalil it's not me who has a problem, I was just helping you, the important thing here is you enjoyed it and forgot about smoking," he almost whined.

He has a point, that really fucking helps but not at all, not untill now.

"Come back here" he urged.

"No, I'm fine now," I lied. I wanna fucking inhale a box at this very moment just to keep me out in this frustrations.

"You're not, please, I could sense that you're badly in need of a cigar, aren't you?" He guessed

"No I'm not. I want to take a nap" I muttered before laying on the couch.

He didn't mutter any words as he might've taken a hint in my refusal.

I was cursing him behind my mind for hurting my feelings and ego this much.