life or death

I killed again. This time it was no self defense. I just butchered this motherfucker in cold blood. The most scary thing is that I do not regret it. It did not help me deal with the pain of loss, but for sure I was not going to leave him live his life while my master died at his hands.

Probably if I keep fighting like this, fight after fight, death after death, killing will become easier. But I don't want to killing to become my second nature. I think it would be the last of the thing my master would want from me. I decided in that moment that this was not going to be my future. I want something more from myself. Not destruction. Life. I want to save people. The next time someone I love get hurt I want to be able to save them, not only revenge them after their death.

It was hypocrisy at the pure state. I wanted to give death but at the same time keep lives. It didn't matter to me. I decide my path, so if I tell myself to become a master of life and death, I will do it. I'm already a cultivator. I'm pretty sure if I become enough proficient in the ki manipulation, maybe I will be able to convert my ki into something that stimulates the cell of the human body like the fairy palm of naruto or maybe even regenerate limbs. Why not. If I could find a way to cultivate the dao of this world, maybe with a simple movement of my hand I could revive people.

All of this needs training. I do need someone to teach me. But the only people I know, capable of doing that, are yokai. No way I am going to ask them to train me. After the experience with the stray devil and fallen angels, I think I had enough encounters with the supernatural for now. I'll just keep trying myself. I don't need others to teach me. I'll just keep improving my ki manipulation to the extreme. Maybe then I will be able to control the natural ki to cure somebody.

I lost myself in thoughts in front of the dead body of the fallen angel. I was really hoping he had some magic book into his pocket like the dead cultivator in xianxia web novels, so I looted him. The bastard's pockets were empty. Nothing inside. Fuck. You do not come to a boss battle without treasures.

I think I lost it. What the hell am i saying? I must be tired. Everything at this point seems pointless. I went away, sure that someone would dispose of him. There should be some administrator here. If not, I do not care. I am too tired. I went away, hidden it the darkness of the night, blood dripping from my hands.

Before going home, I buried the clothes in the forest. I keep losing clothes, no wonder mom gets angry. I laughed at myself. It was not funny but I guess it helped me relax a little.

After one hour of sleep, I woke up and prepared for school. Ate some breakfast with mom and dad and went to study. I already know everything ,but I can't just ditch it. I guess i can practice hiding my ki aura there. If some of his companions come here I am dead. One, I can kill. A group of them? I am dead. So applying the principle behind zetsu I tried cloaking my ki and managed to do it the first time.

After school I went to the forest. Yes. I am not scared anymore. If I do not train I am dead for sure, so the little possibility of finding some stray devil in the forest was less scary. I took my swimsuit. After all I was about to begin training water walking. A lot of diving must do this one.

I kept doing that every day. The only thing that changed was the pile of medicine books in my room. Can't cure something, if I do not know what that is. Some master in the ring would be helpful now.

It took me 2 years mastering water walking. Naruto did it in one moment. I really hope it's because ki is a different energy system from chakra. I do not want to hear someone say that I do not have talent. It was a little difficult keeping a constant flow of ki flowing under my foots. Anyways I was pretty happy in the beginning, I played so much with this techniques that it become natural to me walking on the water, just like breathing.

The only problem is that I do not know how to advance on the next stage of cultivation since I managed to unclog all of my meridians, my core bulged to a critical level. It seems like it would explode anytime soon. I think at this level, I could kill a high level devil if I wanted to. Probably. I do feel more powerful. My ki moves instantaneously. Every punch I launch is a black flash. It doubles the power of every strike I launch, i think.

But still. What is the next passage of cultivation when I the path I am following is a mix of personal experience and taichi?