Chapter 9: 4 AM Stroll

Maybe she was up a little too late. Or too early, depending on whose standards. But Shepard needed a hot drink and she needed to remember that the emptiness in these halls, and the calm across the Galaxy, was very temporary.

She and Garrus had been having a movie marathon in her room, as many James Bond films as they could stomach. There were over 50 movies (the franchise's popularity never quite waned when Bond could just evolve with the times; there was even a Turian MI6 agent from when the military was trying to improve relations with the species). Her dad had only collected so many copies of the series, though. She was definitely missing a ton of the older ones. But they'd made it about halfway, to one called Spectre (fitting title), when she realized Garrus fell asleep on her couch.

But with Garrus out for the count, Anya stopped the film and decided to get her sleepless ass a drink. Earl Grey tea, a favorite. She sipped it in the mess hall, alone, trying to organize her thoughts, but she was just tired. Sleeping had been harder the past few days. It was hard to ignore the fact that in only a little over a week, and he'd be gone.

She'd lived 29 years with no stubborn Turian snipers by her side. So why did it feel so bizarre to think of life without him?

Anyway, it wasn't like she'd never see him. Hell, if he did end up a Spectre, they could run into each other out on missions. It'd be likely, even. They could probably catch up then.

Damn, did that sound more depressing than she meant it to be.

Just as she was about to punch herself in her own tragic sentimentality, she watched Kaidan stumble out of the science office and through the med bay. Her eyebrows were raised the entire time her eyes followed him. The guy looked pretty flustered, his hair even messier than that awkward Ilos conversation.

Anya couldn't help herself. As he walked out of med bay, she asked, "On a 4 am stroll, Alenko?"

The second his eyes met hers, they were filled with this existential dread that was partially amusing and another part offensive. Was she really that scary now?

Sighing, she dropped the jeering Commander schtick. "I'll stop the taunting there. Could we sit down and talk like adults? Because I think we've both done things we regret the past few weeks."

Kaidan didn't look too thrilled, but he sat down. "Okay, Commander."

"I mean, if you want to leave, it wasn't an order. Granted, I do have Asari-related blackmail on you now if you don't, so I guess make your choice accordingly."

Sitting across from her, he still didn't look too comfortable. But he did have the faintest wisp of a smile on his face. "I'll stay."

"Good." Anya sipped her tea and drummed her fingers on the mug. "Kaidan, I'm sorry I was so tough on you before Ilos. I was stressed and grieving. You have the right to have feelings. I'm just sorry they were for me."

"It's okay, Shepard. I think after Ash, I jumped myself through a lot of mental hoops to feel like I had something real with you."

"You still have something real. I still care about every single member on this team like they're my family. And that includes you."

Kaidan shook his head, chuckled low. It was like stabbing pin needles against her arteries, just begging for her heart to burst. She never wanted to do this to him. "No offense, Commander, but that's easy for you to say when you're the one trying to let someone down easy."

"I've been on the other side. I know it hurts."

"You? Really?"

Shepard laughed, but dread pooled in her stomach. She was going to have to get into that story to make him feel better, wasn't she? "When I was at the Academy, there was another student, Rike. He was from Australia. I hadn't met many people actually born on Earth who grew up there, too. And yeah, give me shit later about how you're like that. But he was breezy and open, where I grew up with my boots laced and my emotions in a locked cage. I was crazy about him. But when I told him how I felt, he wasn't interested." Anya snorted, even though it still kinda stung. "He actually admitted he had an Asari girlfriend and then followed up the rejection by asking me how to propose. Apparently, he wasn't the most tactful guy."

"Are you saying at least you didn't ask me for romantic tips?"

"No. I'm saying romance is a mess and everyone gets rejected." Anya ran a hand through her hair and leaned back in her chair. She didn't know why it felt so important to fix things with him, but maybe it had to do with the fact he was the only one left in her new "family" that might actually stay. "It's your call for what you want moving forward. But I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not embarrassed or mad at you. I just want to be your friend. And you don't have to be, and you can take all the time away from the Normandy that you need. This doesn't have to go one specific, uncomfortable, embarrassing way. But if you want it, you can still be the best damn Alliance soldier on the Normandy."

Kaidan's smile grew then, looking down into his palms. "When we hit the Citadel, I do think I'll take some time. But you're right, we're a good team. I'll stay, as long as you never bring up the fact I tried to kiss you ever again."

"Deal." Anya tried to ignore it, she really did, but the fact his shirt was on inside out was really starting to kill her. "So, you and Liara...?"

"Also don't mention that."

"Fair." Looking down into her own glass, she couldn't help but add, "But I'm happy whenever my officers are happy." Kaidan didn't seem to have an answer to that, but speaking of officer's happiness... "I should tell you that avoiding me has been putting our pilot on the fritz. Just start doing target practice with us again, okay? Joker's not used to so much attention. It gives him hives."

"I figured that he never really got himself all the way down to the storage bay."

"Absolutely not, it has some steep stairs and the door jams. Dude would break something just trying to get in."

Kaidan chuckled and said, "Yeah, fine. I'll be there tomorrow to get the old assault rifle tuned." Then he looked at her, and it was nice to see him look at her without shame or lust. Didn't mean his raised eyebrow didn't perplex her. "What are you doing up in the first place, though?"

"Trouble sleeping."

"Does it have anything to do with the fact that you want me to stay? And don't worry, I know you meant it in a platonic way."

Anya was used to throwing double meanings, dodging her officers' questions about her motives, but it was like Kaidan saw right through her and she didn't know what to say. It didn't make her love him, but it did make her respect him more. Maybe he had his head further out of his ass than she expected. Rubbing her neck, she admitted, "Everyone's leaving. And more than I'd like to admit, I didn't want any of them to leave. But now it's just you and me and despite all our bullshit I don't want to lose you, too."

"That was refreshingly honest."

Laughing, Anya didn't realize how much she'd missed talking to him like a friend. Before he got those obvious puppy dog eyes, he was one of her favorite people on the ship. Like a good old-fashioned soldier but somehow, still different. "I hope this doesn't sting too much, but I'm really happy you're my friend, Kaidan."

"I'm happy to be yours, too, Commander. But now I'm going to bed." He stood up from his chair and, even though his smile was still a little awkward and things between them still had a long way to go, it was something.

Shepard waved in his direction as he walked off, waiting until he was out of sight to down her own tea. Then the embarrassing, asshole teenage smirking came. She needed to talk to someone, and she only really had one option. But he probably was the only person she'd want to tell anyway.

Walking a little too brisk back to her room, she opened it to see Garrus curled up like a damn kitten on her couch. But she couldn't keep her mouth shut, so the man was going to wake up whether he liked it or not.

Tossing a polar bear plush from Joker at his face, he stiff-armed the thing and nearly fell off the couch. "Wha-"

Anya interrupted him as fast as she could. "Kaidan and Liara hooked up."

He sat up and scratched his head. "May I repeat: what?"

Looking at Garrus's disoriented face, maybe she should've cooled down and backed off. But Anya didn't really care if he was all that awake. "I just caught Kaidan doing the walk of shame out of Liara's room."

"Huh. So when you turned down both of them, they turned to each other?"

"I have been waiting all mission to report somebody was hooking up with somebody and it finally happened. And even better, it wasn't me!"

Garrus snorted, still rubbing away some sleepiness from his eyes. "You're being an absolute child. Why are you so excited?"

"Because I just won the dating pool."

The slow realization that fell over his face was priceless. He smiled at her with bewilderment, but still threw the polar bear back at her head. "Shepard, you hated that pool."

"And I voted Kaidan and Liara as a joke, but guess who was right after all? The second they go public, I get to laugh at everyone else who was trying to say I'd get with them. And like 1,000 credits." She sniggered, probably a little too much, but the entire thing was absolutely priceless. "Oh, but don't tell Kaidan I told you. I said I wouldn't talk about it."

"Some days I think the galaxy needs saving from you, not the other way around."

"And some days you're probably right."

Anya flopped down onto the couch and leaned into his shoulder. She wanted to say: "I never want this week to be over." But she couldn't say that, not when she knew that if he thought she needed him, he would stay. He was too good a guy for that.

So instead, Anya said, "Now where were we?"

Garrus growled at her, "Sleeping."

"We can sleep when we're dead."

"Fine, but you better keep it interesting." Before she could answer, he leaned into the side of the couch, adjusting to her weight on his side, and shoved the pillow he once was sleeping on into her face. "Who am I kidding? I'll be lucky if you ever let me die in the first place."

"You're stuck with me forever, Vakarian... Or at least until next week."

Things between them got silent for a little while, but then he put his arm around her shoulder. She was starting to love when he did that, because it always was when he was about to say something that made her feel warm and fuzzy inside. And battle-ready commanders didn't get to feel fuzzy too often. It made everything that was eating her about the next week feel a lot less overwhelming. "Don't worry. No matter where I go, I'll be stuck with you. Forever."

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