ten

𝗗𝗘𝗘

𝗝𝘂𝗹𝘆 𝟭𝟳, 𝗧𝘂𝗲𝘀𝗱𝗮𝘆, 𝟴:𝟮𝟬 𝗽.𝗺.

"Wrap up na?"

"Pwede naman," sabi ni Paris bago niya alisin yung bass guitar niya na nakasabit sa kanya.

Kuya Chico looked at each of his bandmates who still passed the decision to him in the end. He sighed. "Sige, wrap up na. Okay na ba yung sa inyo, Shishi? Dee?"

"Okay na po," sagot ko kasi hindi naman sumagot si Shishi, nakatingin lang siya sa akin na parang sagot ko yung hinihintay niya.

"Oks na rin sa'min, Kuya," Paris said, glancing at Helen who only shrugged at him.

"Okay. Kain muna tayo bago umuwi." Kuya Chico clapped his hands twice and his two dogs he brought with him to the practice rose from their sleep. "Saiha! Nadare!"

When I first heard their names, natawa ako. Dragons kasi ni Recca yun. I did not take Kuya Chico for an anime watcher, but that anime was kind of classic naman. They were stray Aspin puppies na nasa labas dati ng Cantu Chords, the studio where PAD frequently rehearsed. Naawa raw si Kuya Chico kaya niya inampon. Sabi raw ng vet, more or less a month old pa lang sila when he got them. They were over a year old na ngayon.

Nilapitan ko sila kanina but they barked and growled at me kaya they were put on leash. I never hurt an animal in my life, although I had never owned one, but nakakalungkot lang na ayaw nila sa akin. Kahit kay Helen, ayaw nila. Si Amy, gustong gusto nila. Maybe kasi matagal na nilang kilala si Amy. Ngayon nga lang sila nakatulog, eh. Kanina pa nila kami kinakahulan kaya hindi rin kami nakapag-start agad. Nainis pa nga si Kuya Clark kasi bakit daw dinala pa ni Kuya Chico yung dogs niya, but Kuya Chico said na wala raw kasing magbabantay kasi umalis daw bigla si Meg, his girlfriend. They had a lot of pictures together in Kurai Miwako na ini-steal ng posters doon from his own IG account, so I knew na girlfriend niya yung tinutukoy niya.

"I can't stay for the meal, Kuya," Helen said. "Nag-text na po kasi si Daddy. I have curfew at nine po kasi. Sorry."

"Ayos lang," sabi ni Kuya Chico while he tried to calm Nadare, the spotted brown-and-white one, who barked at Helen's voice. Si Saiha kasi ay cream and white yung spots.

"Naninipa ka siguro ng aso no'ng bata ka kaya galit sila sa'yo," sabi ni Paris.

"Ikaw kaya sipain ko?"

"Kapag maliit talaga, mas malapit sa impyerno. Ang salbahe mo."

Natawa kaming lahat sa sinabi ni Paris, except si Helen. Napansin ko na ang laki ng improvement nila, hindi na galit si Helen sa kanya kahit napipikon pa rin siya sa mga asar ni Paris. Mas gusto ko yung asaran nila ngayon compared sa dati na may blatant hostility coming from one end.

Bumukas yung door at pumasok si Kuya Warren. He went out to smoke kasi kanina. "Oh? Tapos na kayo?"

Not to brag, but I had very fair skin. I had the fairest skin sa aming tatlo nila Gwen and Helen. But Kuya Warren's skin was different. It glowed especially under the light. It was my first time meeting him, but damn. Nakakainggit yung skin niya. Si Emma naman, hindi ganyan kaputi. Para siyang model ng glutathione na idinaan pa sa Photoshop.

"Uuwi na rin si Helen," sabi ni Kuya Clark. Lumapit siya sa friend ko and kissed her on the cheek. Ginawa niya rin sa amin yun kanina and when we were introduced before. Not just beso, but kiss. I saw Helen recoil slightly pero hindi naman siya nagreklamo talaga. It was only Emma na hindi niya kini-kiss sa cheeks kahit dati. She said na sasapakin niya talaga si Kuya Clark if he did that. "Ingat ka," he added.

"Thank you." Helen looked at me and I could see in her eyes na tinatanong niya ako ng, Tara na?

"Uuwi ka na rin ba, Dee?" Kuya Warren asked. He returned to his Pringles and popped one in his mouth. He arrived at the studio a little past five kanina. Galing siya sa meeting with an event producer kasi they were asking if PAD could be guests. Kuya Warren said he did not like the venue and the attitude of the producer kasi ang dami raw demands.

Bago pa ako makasagot, inunahan na ako ni Paris.

"Stay ka muna, Dee. Kain tayo."

Tumingin ulit ako kay Helen. Her eyes urged me sa sagot ko.

"Yeah, Dee, stay ka muna. Ayoko maiwan na ako lang ang girl dito," sabi ni Amy. She was right. Kami lang tatlo nila Helen ang nandito kasama yung buong PAD. Gwen had something to do at home so hindi siya nakasama. Emma chose to go home to practice their song on her own. Ewan ko kung bakit sumama pa rin si Amy. Gusto niya sigurong maki-hang out.

Napatingin din ako kay Shishi but busy siya sa pag-aayos ng drumsticks niya. Nakakainis, hindi naman ako dapat tumitingin sa kanya. He bullied me lang naman buong araw lalo kapag hindi ko makuha yung tinuturo ni Kuya Chico kasi nakakanta ko pa rin yung song sa original na tune.

But bigla rin siyang tumingin sa akin at tinaasan niya ako ng kilay. Hindi siya nag-iwas ng tingin.

Parang gusto ko pang mag-stay.

"Okay lang ba, babe?" I whispered to Helen. Katabi ko lang kasi siya.

Siniringan niya si Paris even if he was not looking. "Sure ka? Nandito yung may virus. Saka yung isa." She subtly pointed to Shishi with her lips.

"Yeah, okay lang. Hindi rin naman kami mag-uusap n'yan. Saka friend ko yung may virus. And nandito rin si Amy."

"Okay, fine. Text me agad kapag nakauwi ka na, ha?"

I said okay. Nagpaalam na siya sa mga kasama namin, but their voices were drowned out by the dogs' barking. Hinatid siya ni Kyo hanggang sa labas until she got a taxi.

"Nakakaawang tingnan si Dee. Wala na siyang energy," natatawang sabi ni Kuya Warren.

"Pinagod kasi masyado ni Shishi boy, eh. Hindi naman kasi magaling 'yan," Kuya Clark said as he took one of the available chairs. He put his electric guitar sa gilid niya before brushing his face with his hands.

"Ulol," sabi sa kanya ni Shishi kaya tumawa siya nang tumawa.

Nagligpit na sila ng things nila pagkabalik ni Kyo. Pinanood ko si Kuya Chico habang nilalaro niya yung dogs niya. Ang cute kasi may collars pa sila na may names nila. Like, Hello! Ako si Saiha! Ako si Nadare! Eto birthday ko at number ng owner ko! Laro tayo! I wished na hindi sila galit sa akin.

"Aba, Shishi, baka naman matunaw si ano n'yan. Kanina ka pa nakatitig," biglang sabi ni Kuya Warren at ngumiti siya nang nakakaloko habang ngumunguya. When he said 'si ano', he drawled each syllable na halatang may ibig sabihin siya at nang-aasar.

Biglang kumabog nang malakas ang dibdib ko. Sino si 'ano'?

Pagtingin ko kay Shishi, nakatingin siya kay Kuya Warren and he was giving their manager the dirty finger. Walang modo.

Hindi ko alam kung sino ang tinutukoy ni Kuya Warren. Si Amy ba o ako? Kami na lang naman ang girls dito, unless may crush si Shishi sa mga kabanda niya. But kidding aside, magkatabi kaming dalawa ni Amy and hindi rin ako nakatingin kay Shishi kanina.

"Iba rin kumilos 'yang si Shishi boy, syempre," maangas na sabi ni Kuya Clark kaya minura siya ni Shishi.

The longer I sat there listening to them, the faster my heart pounded inside my chest. Sino ba kasi 'yang si 'ano' na 'yan?

"Parang ikaw naman hindi rin iba ang galawan," Kuya Chico told Kuya Clark with a one-sided grin. He was sitting on a white monoblock chair habang hinihigpitan yung string ng isang ukulele. Napagod na yata kasi yung dogs niya kasi they slept ulit.

"At least ako marunong gumalaw," Kuya Clark retorted, grinning the same way, and threw his head back before yawning loudly.

Si Kuya Clark, medyo mainitin ang ulo kagaya ni Shishi at medyo touchy. Si Kuya Chico, maangas ang dating niya. Maporma kasi. Pero para siyang teenager kung kumilos minsan and mas madalas na tahimik lang siya. I found out na siya yung oldest sa PAD, but parang ka-age lang siya nila Paris. Si Kuya Warren naman, sobrang hilig mang-asar and tawa nang tawa palagi. Mukha talaga siyang masiyahin kasi yung eyes niya, parang laging nakangiti.

"Sino ba kasi 'yang si 'ano' na 'yan?" Paris chuckled and Kuya Warren gave him a high five. Magkatabi kasi sila na nakaupo sa spare amplifiers sa gilid ng room.

"Ako, parang kilala ko," sabi naman ni Kyo before laughing quietly as he snapped his guitar case shut.

"Yes, kasi that's me."

Lahat kami, napatingin kay Amy. She followed it with a very alluring laugh pa talaga. I turned my eyes away from her kasi nairita ako sa kanya bigla. Binuhat na niya ang sarili niyang bangko. Yung ibang mga kasama namin, they smiled but did not look that pleased sa pagre-represent ni Amy sa sarili niya. Only Kuya Clark grinned meaningfully, like he really knew what each of us were thinking of.

"Tantanan niyo nga ako. Para kayong mga gago," sabi ni Shishi while he wiped his hands using the facetowel na kanina pa nasa back pocket ng trousers niya.

Napatingin ako sa kanya and for a second, nag-lock yung eyes namin, but he immediately looked away. I felt like napahiya ako dahil sa nangyari. It was pathetic but that was how it was. Naisip ko rin kasi na there was truth in what Amy claimed. There was a very good chance na totoo 'yon. Dapat pala umuwi na lang din ako.

Mommy and Daddy knew na may practice kami ngayon, but my curfew was a bit later than Helen's. Mine was ten kapag weekdays. And mas malapit kami dito compared kay Helen. But I regretted na hindi pa ako umuwi. The band was nice to me, but I just felt like I did not really belong here. Maarte na nga siguro ako, but feeling ko, Amy excluded me from the group after what she said.

"Tara, kumain na tayo." Tumayo si Kuya Clark and stretched his arms upwards, still yawning. "Tang ina, hindi ko na alam kung aantukin ako o magugutom, eh."

"Kami na lang ang bibili ng food trip natin then dadalhin namin dito." Kuya Warren stood up as well and put his Pringles aside. "Mukhang wala nang energy 'tong dalawa, eh. Lalo 'tong si Dee."

Tumayo rin si Kuya Chico at ipinatong yung ukulele sa chair na inuupuan niya kanina. Hinawakan niya na rin yung leash ng dogs. "Okay ka lang?"

I gave him a slight nod. "Opo."

"Tara, bili muna tayo." Tumayo na rin si Paris. "Amy, Dee, d'yan muna kayo, ah. Tara, Kyo."

"Jaa," paalam ni Kyo sa amin before following his bandmates palabas.

"Shi? Hindi ka sasama sa kanila?"

"Sasama." Tumayo na siya. Lumapit siya sa amin pero si Amy lang ang pinansin niya na parang wala lang ako dito. Okay, two-zero na ang scores namin ni Amy. "Dito ka lang ba?"

Amy nodded. "Oo, I'm tired, eh. Uy, buy me a vanilla frappé, please. I'm craving for one kanina pa."

"'Ge." And finally, he looked at me. Parang tumalon bigla yung puso ko palabas ng dibdib ko. But lumakad na rin siya. Without a word to me.

Parang ang sakit.

Napahiya lang siguro ako. Nakakainis, naawa ako bigla sa sarili ko. Kay Amy, pumayag agad siya sa utos. Samantalang ako, wala lang. Parang ghost lang na invisible pero may presence. Three-zero na kami ni Amy tuloy.

"Dee?" Amy offered me a small smile. "Mukhang pagod ka na talaga, ah. Nakakapagod ang ginagawa pala nila everyday, 'no?"

"Kaya nga, eh."

You can do this, Dee. Don't let all these bullshits get into you.

"You know what, you're very lucky."

"Bakit naman?"

Her eyes were fixed on the instruments in the middle of the room. Half lang ng face niya ang kita ko, but I could make out every detail of it—a very cute button nose, long lashes like Shishi's, wide and innocent eyes. Like yung mga Chinese who underwent surgery to get double lids. Maybe she did. May lahi siyang Chinese after all. But mukhang natural siyang pretty, eh. She smiled at me again and said, "Because you're the only person in our school na kinakausap at nilalapitan ni Shishi bukod sa'min na friends niya."

Tumaas ang mga kilay ko. I was surprised but skeptical. A part of me wanted to be happy, but the other knew how foolish that sounded. So what if he talked to me? Partners kami sa project. And it did not change the fact that I was starting to feel very weird around him.

"Wala naman kasi talaga siyang nilalapitan. Kung gusto mo siyang makausap, ikaw ang lalapit sa kanya. Depende pa yun kung gusto ka niyang pansinin or hindi. He's the type na hindi ka niya lalapitan kasi wala naman siyang pakielam sa'yo."

"I thought he hooks up with groupies."

"Well, yeah. Kapag sobrang nakainom siya or... Okay, don't tell anyone, please?"

"What?"

"Or kapag he was stoned. I don't know. When he's under the influence of alcohol or whatever, pinapatulan niya yung mga girls sa gigs na nangungulit sa kanya. Pinagsasabihan ko siya palagi. Sabi niya, he makes sure naman na he uses protection and hindi sa Miwako nag-aaral yung girl kasi it was like a one-night-stand lang sa kanya. He never slept with the same girl twice. I think dun siya nagbo-blow off ng steam."

I looked at the twiddling fingers on my lap. My mind went to all kinds of places and I did not like any of them. Especially those places like a dark bedroom with him and a girl in there. I should not care kasi si Amy nga parang normal lang sa kanya, but it made me feel something. Parang nakakainis na nakakalungkot na medyo nakakadiri kasi ilang girls na yun? I had only one sexual partner my whole life. We were fucking sixteen-year-olds. 'Di ba?

"Don't tell anyone about the weed stuff, okay?"

"Yeah, I won't. I promise."

"Anyway, gano'n siya. Kaya nga maswerte ka, eh. Kasi kahit sinusungitan ka niya at sinisigawan minsan, nilalapitan ka pa rin niya on his own. Just imagine the other girls who'd love to be in your position. Sometimes, he couldn't even remember the names of the girls he slept with. You're really lucky."

I stifled a guffaw. Amy was crazy. And so were those girls. They wanted to be bullied every single day? That was just downright ridiculous. And I could not consider myself really lucky. Like what Amy said, Shishi always yelled at me, ordered me around, nilalait pa ako at pinapahiya minsan. Would that be considered lucky? Hell, no. And I think mas okay pa when we were not talking pa talaga.

"Gano'n ba," sabi ko na lang. "I didn't know that, na maswerte ako. Eh inaalipusta na nga niya ang pagkatao ko."

Amy laughed out loud. "Just get used to it. Ganyan talaga siya, eh. Pero sa'kin naman, hindi siya gano'n. Buti nga yun, eh. I'm lucky din."

I did not even try to hide an eye-roll, but I was not sure if she saw it.

"Would you believe it if I told you na ten lang ang contacts na naka-save sa phonebook niya?"

Napatingin ulit ako sa kanya. "No, I won't. Really?"

"Yup." She nodded, grinning. "And your number was the tenth contact he saved. That's why I was telling you nga na swerte ka, eh."

Bumalik na naman yung parang pag-twist sa stomach ko.

"Tinanong niya kasi sa'kin last Sunday kung meron daw akong number mo. Tatawagan ka lang daw niya to remind you about something sa project niyo. So binigay ko. I didn't expect na he would save it. Lagi ko kasing hinihiram ang phone niya kaya alam ko."

Why would he do that? Did he have a crush on me? Okay, fine. Sorry. I was just kidding.

"Ang numbers lang na naka-save dun ay number mo, mine, sa bandmates niya, their record producer's, his mom's, and his sis-in-law's."

I would now take back everything I said earlier. Maybe maswerte nga talaga ako.

"Alam mo ba na maraming girls ang naiinggit sa'ting dalawa sa school?" Amy had a naughty smile on her lips.

"Bakit naman?"

"They're so all over Shishi pero tayong dalawa lang ang girls na nilalapitan niya at kinakausap. Aren't we the luckiest?"

Siguro napangiti rin ako. "I guess we really are."

She giggled. "Sabi sa'yo, eh."

"Did you guys ever date or something?"

Natigilan siya. Lalong nag-widen yung eyes niya. When she pursed her lips, her deep dimples came into view. "No. He doesn't want that kind of commitment."

Bakit nakaka-disappoint yun? Para kang tanga, Dee.

"Wala siyang interest sa love life, eh. He never had a girlfriend before. Even one. Wala pa rin siyang nililigawan. I don't even think na may nagustuhan or nagugustuhan na nga siya, eh. He just loves his band, his beer, cigs, and weed. Pathetic, 'di ba?"

Sa instruments ako tumingin. "Not really. Kung do'n talaga siya masaya, eh. What can we do kung ayaw niyang mag-love life? Baka ayaw niyang mamroblema. And it's better for him if he does what he wants instead na ipilit sa kanya ang mga bagay na ayaw niya kasi minsan, the more you cage someone, the more na mas lumalala sila. Yun nga lang, masama ang gusto niya. Pero malaki naman na siya, eh. He knows what he's doing. Do you like him?"

Hindi agad siya nakasagot. Pero alam kong kahit hindi ako sa kanya nakatingin, nabigla ulit siya sa tanong ko. Only after the words rolled out of my tongue did I realize na I was overdoing it. I was curious but I should not have asked. But hindi ko naman na mababawi ang sinabi ko.

"Why—"

Hindi na naituloy ni Amy yung sasabihin niya dahil dumating na ang PAD dala ang pagkain namin na treat nila from McDo na nasa tapat lang ng studio.

"Sorry, natagalan," sabi ni Kuya Warren. Sobrang namumula yung face niya na parang kakagaling lang niya sa sobrang pagtawa. Kahit yung iba, parang galing lang din sa pagtawa. Umupo na siya. "Tang ina."

"Why?" Amy asked.

"'Wag na, kadiri."

"Bakit nga, Kuya?"

"Tumae mga aso ni Chico sa pinto ng McDo." Kuya Warren burst out laughing, pati na rin yung iba. "Sorry, Dee. Ang baboy talaga. Sorry."

I said it was fine kasi natawa rin ako. Bumalik na rin si Kuya Chico na hindi nila kasabay kanina. Siya pala kasi yung nag-clean up dahil ayaw niyang ipalinis sa crew. Hindi naman pala niya ipapasok yung dogs, may pinahabol lang siyang food kay Kuya Clark kaya siya lumapit sa pinto kasi kakapasok lang ng iba. But bigla raw nag-poop yung dalawa, side-by-side pa. Wala silang diapers kasi biglaan lang daw talaga yung pagsama sa kanila sa practice. Potty-trained naman daw sila but hindi niya nailabas maghapon dahil, again, practice. He hooked the leashes sa wall ulit and gave the dogs their food.

Inabutan ako ni Paris ng take-out box ng chicken and spaghetti. And a large Coke. "Mas masarap pa rin Pepsi. Pero mas gusto mo 'yan, 'di ba?"

"Yeah. Alam mo talaga, ah," sabi ko kaya ngumiti siya. "Libre mo 'to?"

"Oo naman. Eto pa." May kinuha siya sa paper bag and brought out another box which I found out was a slice of McCafé's Dark Chocolate Cake. "Mahilig ka sa chocolate, 'di ba?"

"Wow, alam mo talaga, ah. Suhol 'to, 'no? Hindi ako boto sa inyo ni Helen."

"Ha?" Paris looked genuinely confused. "Adik ka ba?"

Tumawa si Kyo and helped Paris bring out the remaining food inside the bag. Paris sat beside me kasi tumayo na si Amy and Kyo sat on his other side naman.

"Thanks, Paris."

Kinindatan niya 'ko. "Wala 'yon, ikaw pa."

"Shi! Where's my vanilla frappé?"

Napatingin ako kila Amy at Shishi. But nagulat ako kasi he was looking at me again. Medyo nakakunot ang noo niya at parang naiinis siya kaya nagtaka ako. Wala naman akong ginagawa sa kanya pero galit na naman siya.

"Hey, Shi."

"Wala, nakalimutan ko," sabi ni Shishi. Nag-iwas siya ng tingin sa akin and nag-focus na sa kinakain niyang cheeseburger. "Mamaya na lang kita bibilhan pag-uwi natin."

"Hindi mo naman sinabi, tol, na gusto rin pala ni Amy," sabi ni Paris habang binubuksan yung take-out box niya.

Nag-pout si Amy. "That's fine. Pag-uwi natin mamaya, ha?" She hugged Shishi around his neck kaya muntik na akong masamid.

Shishi shook her off him. "Ano ba, Amy, nakain ako."

She let go of him naman but she was wearing a—I don't know—triumphant smile.

"PDA 'yang dalawang 'yan," Paris whispered to me kaya nag-smirk ako.

"Amy, pa-hug din!" Kuya Clark hollered.

"Umayos ka nga, Clark," sabi ni Kuya Chico. I was not sure kung may leader-thing sa kanila, but from what I gathered during the times I spent with PAD, parang si Kuya Chico talaga yung tumatayong leader nila.

Kuya Warren opened his arms wherein Amy let herself be pulled. Then he laughed. "Pa'no ba 'yan, tol, naunahan kita. Friendly hug."

Napangisi na lang si Kuya Clark. "Tang inang 'to. Friendly hug daw, ang puta. Gago talaga."

Natawa na lang din ako. Mahina niya lang sinabi 'yon, eh. Kami lang nila Paris at Kyo yata ang nakarinig.

"How was your date with Gwen pala, Kyo?" I asked kaya tumawa si Paris. "Hindi pa kita nai-interview!"

He blushed. Ano ba 'yan, ang cute nila! Nilunok niya muna yung food niya bago siya nagsalita. "Okay naman. Masaya. Teka, wala sa usapan na may interview no'ng niyaya niya akong mag-date."

"Ikaw kaya nagyaya sa kanya!"

"Ay, ako ba?" He laughed and so did I. "Nga pala, Ate Dee."

"Yeah?"

"Paano ka uuwi? May sundo ka ba? Or ikukuha ka namin ng taxi?"

Napangiti ako sa tanong niya. He was really sweet. "Magpapasundo na lang ako sa driver namin—"

"Dun ka ba sa Alabang nauwi?" Shishi asked.

Sobrang OA na pero kumabog bigla ang dibdib ko, mabilis pa sa double peds niya sa drums. Sana I was not blushing kasi, fuck, feeling ko gano'n nga.

"Umm, yeah."

"Madadaanan ko Alabang," sabi ni Kuya Clark before shoving a forkful of spaghetti into his mouth. "Pupunta akong Calamba mamaya, eh. Ihatid na kita?"

Napakamot ako sa noo ko. "Okay lang po, pwede—"

"Par, isabay niyo na si Amy."

Lahat kami, napatingin kay Shishi.

"What?" Amy asked, obviously horrified. "'Di ba, tayo ang sabay? Shishi naman, eh!"

"Ibibigay ko yung pambili ng frappé mo. Dumaan na lang kayo sa Starbucks," sabi ni Shishi habang nililigpit yung pinagkainan niya.

"Sige, tol," sabi ni Paris. "Madadaanan naman namin yun pauwi. 'Wag ka nang umangal, Amy. Kapag ako napikon sa'yo, sasagasaan na lang kita."

"Magpapasundo ka na lang ba sa driver niyo, Ate Dee?"

"Out of way kasi ako, eh." Napakamot sa ulo niya si Kuya Chico. "Saka may dadaanan pa kasi ako mamaya."

"Okay lang po," I told him agad. Nakakahiya kaya.

"Susunduin mo si Meg?" Kuya Clark asked.

"Oo, malayo pinuntahan, eh."

"Ako na lang maghatid sa'yo?" Kuya Warren offered kaya napatingin ako sa kanya. "Wala naman akong pupuntahan tonight."

I could not hide my smile. Natutuwa ako sa hospitality nila. They were not just great musicians. They were great people too. "Okay lang po, magpapasundo na lang ako."

"Pwede ring ganito," Paris interjected, setting aside the empty box where his food had been, then turned to me. "Ihahatid na lang kita, Dee. Mag-taxi tayo. Masaya 'yon," nakangiting sabi niya with an excited twinkle in his eyes. "Sasabay lang naman din ako kay Kyo, eh. Sila na lang ni Amy ang sabay."

Sobrang nakakadala ng yakag at ngiti niya, na muntik ko nang i-accept yung offer niya but Shishi beat me to it bago pa ako nakapagsalita.

"Ako na. Dala ko kotse ko," he said kaya nagulat ako. "Ako nagyaya d'yan dito."

Napalunok ako kasi he was looking at me when he said that. But ibinalik niya agad yung eyes niya sa paper bags na inaayos niya para hindi makalat.

"Mamaya, kung ano pa'ng mangyari d'yan. Kargo ko pa."

Oh, God. Siya ba talaga ang maghahatid sa akin?

"Shet, duma-da moves ang bata ko," pang-aasar ni Kuya Warren kaya tumawa silang lahat. Well, except me, Amy, and Shishi.

"Tang inang 'to, walang tiwala sa'min," natatawang sabi naman ni Kuya Clark.

Sinimangutan lang sila ni Shishi, minura niya rin ang mga kabanda niya. Hindi yata uso ang paggalang sa kanya kahit matanda sa kanya yung mga 'yon. Si Amy naman, halatang disappointed. Medyo nakaramdam na rin ako ng guilt kasi una, kinalimutan ni Shishi yung frappé niya then bigla siyang ipapasa kay Paris. Okay, three-two. Nakakahabol ako.

"'Wag ka nang umangal, hindi ka naman kagandahan."

Hari talaga ng sablay si Shishi. Everytime na lang na nandoon na ako sa point na 'kinikilig' na dahil sa ginagawa at sinasabi niya, bigla siyang babanat ng palpak.

"Fine."

And now, kami na ang taya. Inasar na nila kami nang inasar. Medyo natatawa na nga lang ako, eh. Si Shishi namang pikon, asar na asar sa mga kabanda niya. 'Wag daw akong madikit-dikit sa kanya kasi nandidiri raw siya dahil panget ako. Ouch yun, ha. First time na may nagsabi sa akin no'n. Hindi sa pagmamayabang pero never pa ako nasabihan ng panget sa buong buhay ko.

As the others teased us, I noticed that Paris was not joining in on the fun. He was just there, a faint but knowing smile tugging at the corners of his lips, his eyes lit with amusement as he watched his friend defend himself from their other bandmates who were taking the mickey out of us.

Ang dami pang ibang sinabi ni Shishi. 'Wag daw bigyan ng malisya yung gagawin niyang paghatid sa akin dahil gagawin niya lang daw yun kasi nga responsibility niya ako. Sino namang nagsabi sa kanyang responsibilidad niya ako? May topak talaga siya. Hindi ko ma-gets kung defensive ba siya or what.

Hindi na lang ako nagpaapekto sa mga sinasabi niya. Masaya na rin ako kahit papaano kasi ihahatid niya ako.

I should not feel this way. I should not be happy dahil sa kanya. He was bad news. But sa lahat naman ng bad news, siya lang ang nakapagpasaya at nakapagpa-excite sa akin nang ganito.

Am I starting to like him?

I could only pray I was wrong.

It was almost half past nine when we finished eating and bade good bye to each other. Sabi ng PAD, sa next Friday na lang daw ulit ang practice. May gigs at practices daw kasi sila for the following days at sa Friday lang sila ulit free.

Lumabas na kaming lahat. May dalang sariling car sila Kuya Chico, Kuya Warren, and Shishi. Si Kuya Clark, motorbike. Si Kyo naman, dumating agad ang driver nila kaya nauna na siya kasama sila Amy at Paris. Magkasabay talaga yung magpinsan kasi same neighborhood lang din yata sila.

So kami na lang ni Shishi ang naiwan. Nasa labas kami ng car niya dito sa parking lot ng studio at hindi pa niya pinapaandar kasi nagyoyosi pa siya. I told him na baka naman pwedeng 'wag na siyang magyosi kasi hindi ko gusto yung usok but he told me na 'wag na lang daw ako huminga kung ayaw kong makaamoy no'n. Hindi ko na lang sinabi sa kanya na I had asthma and one of its triggers was tobacco smoke. Hindi rin yata talaga sinabi sa kanya ni Paris, which was better kasi hindi ko gusto na malaman ng iba like it was something na sobrang big deal.

There were no stars in the sky. Naalala ko yung night na nakita ko si Shishi sa labas ng Toracco, smoking, looking at the sky din. There were a lot of stars that night. Sayang lang kasi wala ngayon. It would be our first time sana na magkasama talaga under a sky full of stars. I was such a hopeless romantic.

"Leche. Wala na pala akong yosi."

Napatingin ako kay Shishi noong bigla siyang nagsalita. Parang sarili niya ang kausap niya habang tinitingnan yung loob ng box ng Marlboro Red na hawak niya.

"Magyoyosi ka pa ulit?"

"Kausap ba kita?"

Hindi na lang ako kumibo. Grabe talaga siya. Pinanood ko na lang yung mga dumadaang sasakyan sa highway sa harap namin.

"Dumaan muna tayong 7-Eleven. Yung malapit sa school. Bibili lang akong yosi."

Nilingon ko ulit siya. "Okay, sige. But would they sell you cigarette? Minor ka pa lang, eh."

"Oo naman, bakit? Wala kang tiwala sa'kin?" Siniringan pa niya ako. Para nagtatanong lang naman. "Kakilala ko yung crew do'n ng ganitong oras kaya binebentahan niya 'ko. May tanong ka pa?"

Bakit magpapaliwanag na nga lang siya, galit pa? Hindi ba niya kayang kumalma kahit once lang? Hindi na lang ulit ako kumibo. Wala nang sense na makipag-usap sa kanya. Natahimik na rin naman siya. Natahimik na kami.

Nagsindi ulit siya ng isa pang stick using the flame of the cigarette between his lips.

Pinaypay ko yung usok palayo sa mukha ko. Mamamatay ako kakasama dito kay Shishi. "Akala ko ba wala ka nang yosi?"

"Hindi pwedeng last stick ko 'to? Arte-arte mo. Papaypay paypay ka pa d'yan."

"Hindi pwedeng ayoko talaga ng amoy n'yan?"

"Ah, nasagot ka na?"

Tumahimik na lang ako ulit thinking, Here we go again. Nauubusan na ako ng pag-asa na makakausap ko pa siya nang maayos ever.

So gano'n lang kami ng ilang minutes. Yung left hand niya, nasa loob ng pocket ng hoodie niya habang nakatingin siya sa mga dumadaang sasakyan. Yung cigarette stick niya, halos kalahati na lang. Like he was taking his time with every drag.

My heartbeat was wild. Pero hindi yung nakaka-panic. Excited ako. Sa sobrang excitement, parang hindi na naman ako mapakali. Gusto kong makipag-usap pa sa kanya but I did not have anything up my sleeves anymore. Pagod na rin ako and I could not come up with any decent topic. And I knew naman na kahit anong topic ang i-open up ko, babarahin niya lang ako.

This was the first time that I felt this way. With Zach, I was always excited and giddy whenever I was around him. I had known him for years before I realized I was in love with him. The excitement I felt back then was because I knew we were on our way to something new and I knew where our destination was.

But with Shishi? It was exhilarating. Nakaka-thrill siya kasi what we had could lead to something great but there were risks that might lead it to something bad. It was intoxicating to think of it all day and night, wondering what would happen if I did this, if I did that, if he did this, or if he did that.

I knew sobrang liit ng chances na maging mas malalim ang pagsasamahan namin dahil from the start, this time with him was limited. After the project was done, tapos na rin ang time na kasama ko siya. But what if something happened? That was what I kept asking myself. Pinapaasa ko lang ang sarili ko dahil I was such a hopeless romantic, but the idea of it was galvanizing.

"Tara na," he said, stepping on the cigarette butt he threw on the ground. Dumiretso na siya sa loob ng car niya without even opening the passenger side door for me.

I climbed inside his car and the moment my butt touched the soft leather seat, biglang kinarera ang tibok ng puso ko. I could hear every beat it took sa sobrang lakas. I was alone inside his car—with him.

Maybe totoo nga talaga ang sinabi ni Amy. I was lucky.

The inside of his car smelled of pinaghalong lavender freshener saka smoke. Medyo littered din. On the cupholder was an empty cigarette box and on the back seat, there were clothes na mukhang nalimutan niyang ibalik from the laundy. Sticking out of the pile was a pair of drumsticks.

"Seatbelt," paalala niya while putting his own.

My fingers trembled. Bigla akong nilamig. Nahirapan akong ikabit yung seatbelt and ilang beses na ayaw kumabit dahil sa nanginginig kong mga kamay.

"Ano ba 'yang ginagawa mo?"

"Sorry—"

He closed the gap between us and did my seatbelt for me. The close proximity between our bodies made heat travel all the way up to my face. Amoy na amoy ko yung tobacco smoke na dumikit na sa clothes and hair niya. Masakit sa ilong yung smell kasi ang strong but it was addicting dahil humalo yung amoy ng cologne na gamit niya. It smelled so manly.

Sobrang bilis niya lang inayos yung seatbelt, like five seconds, but before siya lumayo, nagkatinginan pa kami. With all the courage I had in me, I looked him straight in his cognac eyes. And he stared back.

The beating of my heart got louder. And louder. And I hoped he could not hear it.

Parang mas hihikain ako dahil sa ganito kaysa sa usok ng sigarilyo niya.

Kasabay ng pag-travel ng tingin niya pababa ay yung pag-clear throat ko dahil naubos na agad yung tapang ko. Because of that, lumayo na siya and he started his car. Bago pa kami makaalis ng parking lot, he turned the audio system on and skipped through a couple of songs until he settled on one that I was too familiar with.

As soon as I heard the guitar strumming, napatingin ako sa kanya but his eyes were focused on the road ahead of us.

𝘐𝘧 𝘐 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘶𝘱 𝘰𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘐 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘶𝘱 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘦

𝘐𝘧 𝘸𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘦, 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘸𝘦 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦?

𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘎𝘰𝘥 𝘏𝘪𝘮𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘢𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘦𝘸

𝘚𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬, 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥𝘯'𝘵 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘺𝘰𝘶

The song was Stigmatized by The Calling. They were one of the best bands from the early 2000's for me.

𝘛𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘣𝘺 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥

𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘳 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘴 𝘐 𝘢𝘮

𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘴, 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘨𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘻𝘦𝘥

"I love that song," sabi ko, trying to start a conversation.

He smirked. "Love ka ba?"

Hindi ko na lang siya pinansin at tumingin na lang ako sa labas ng bintana, singing the song inside my head.

"Maganda rin yung Adrienne nila, alam mo 'yon?"

Napangiti ako kasi nauna siyang magtanong. Siguro kasi he loved the topic—music. It was a subject that he would always relate to. "Yup."

𝘠𝘦𝘢𝘩, 𝘐 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶

𝘌𝘷𝘦𝘯 𝘪𝘧 𝘯𝘰 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘴

𝘠𝘦𝘢𝘩, 𝘐 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘦𝘷𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶

𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘐 𝘥𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘨𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘥𝘢𝘮𝘯

𝘠𝘦𝘢𝘩, 𝘸𝘦'𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘨𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘻𝘦𝘥

Nawala yung attention ko sa kanya when another song came on, but it did not come from his car's audio system.

𝘙𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘣𝘦 𝘥𝘰𝘯𝘦?

𝘞𝘦𝘭𝘭, 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬 𝘸𝘩𝘰'𝘴 𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘯𝘰𝘸

Shishi took out his phone from his pocket and answered the call. That was his ringtone? That was a song that I loved so much! It was Do It Now, Remember It Later by Sleeping With Sirens. After it was released last year, naka-on repeat lang siya sa music player ko for a week straight. Sobrang nagustuhan ko kasi.

"Oh?" Shishi greeted the caller, sandwiching his phone between his right ear and right shoulder blade. When he finally got the knack of it, kinuha niya yung phone with his left hand and maneuvered the wheel with his other. "Nakauwi ka na?"

Sino kayang kausap niya?

Napatingin siya sa akin saglit. "On the way pa lang, ihahatid si Yurieva."

Nahihirapan ba talaga siyang sabihin ang pangalan ko? One syllable na nga lang, eh. Three syllables kaya yung surname ko.

"Ah, oo." He waited a beat, listening. "Nabili ka ba ni Paris ng frappé mo?"

Frappé? Si Amy? Nagsikip yung dibdib ko bigla.

Jeez, I seriously can't be fucking jealous.

"Good. Oo. Matulog ka na, gabi na. Okay." He put his phone on the cupholder, beside the empty cigarette box.

The music still continued to play but it was a different song already, something from a local band na hindi ko alam.

Buti pa si Amy.

Baka siya nga talaga si 'ano' na inaasar nila kanina kay Shishi. It was not really impossible na mangyari 'yon. Amy was so beautiful and she had been his best friend for how many years now? I had no clue. But if natatagalan ni Shishi yung attitude ni Amy na ayoko, considering na may attitude din siya of his own, then the possibility na gusto niya talaga si Amy kaya ayos lang 'yon sa kanya was palpable.

I continued watching the streetlights go by. Eventually, nawala rin naman yung paninikip.

We stopped by 7-Eleven and he went inside the store to buy his cigarette. Saglit lang siya sa loob at bumalik na rin siya agad. Not long enough, nasa loob na kami ng subdivision namin. I had to call in pa sa bahay so the guards could let Shishi and me through because his car did not have the Homeowners' sticker.

I gave Shishi directions to get to our house. There were a lot of turns. I tried to give him the street names but he just called me stupid kasi hindi naman daw siya familiar sa lugar namin so the names were no use.

Nakita ko na madadaanan na namin yung playground where I first met Zach and I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness. Not because I missed my ex, but because nawala na yung pakiramdam ko kanina na kakaiba dahil kasama ko si Shishi. Yung fantasies ko, nawala. Maybe dahil wala naman talaga 'yong foundation. Bigla ko lang din naman kasi naramdaman 'to para kay Shishi. After hearing his conversation with Amy, pinanghinaan na agad ako ng loob. Us was just too impossible.

"Shishi—"

"'Wag mo nga 'ko tawaging Shishi."

"What?"

"'Di naman tayo close. Shiloh para sa'yo."

Ano raw? Was he serious? Lahat ng tao, yun ang tawag sa kanya. So lahat, ka-close niya? Ako lang ang hindi? Did he just discriminate me?

"But you let me call you Shishi before. Dapat nga mas close na tayo ngayon kasi we've hung out several times na."

"Ayoko palang ka-close ka."

"What? Okay, fine. Whatever. Dito na lang ako sa playground."

Napatingin siya bigla sa akin. "Ha?"

"Sabi ko, pakibaba na lang ako sa playground," ulit ko, immediately coming up with a lie. "I'll meet with a friend here kasi."

Napatingin siya sa labas ng bintana ng kotse habang papabagal nang papabagal ang takbo niya. "Uulan pa yata, tatambay ka pa sa labas?"

"I have an umbrella sa bag ko," I lied again. I never brought my own umbrella.

Napatingin siya ulit sa akin. Matagal. Then he frowned and pulled the car to a stop. "Bahala ka nga."

"Thank you, Shiloh. Ingat," I told him before going out of the car.

Pagkababa ko, lumakad na agad ako papunta sa swing kasabay ng pag-alis ng car niya. Pero hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko at humarap ulit ako do'n. Nakalayo na agad siya.

Tumingala ako sa langit and a drop fell on my forehead. At first, it was just a light drizzle. But it quickly became a downpour.

"Fuck," I hissed. Para akong binuhusan ng isang bucket ng tubig. Tumulo na rin ang mga luha ko. Napatingin ako sa pwesto dati ng sandbox na pinaglalaruan ko, though tinanggal na 'yon. "Gago ka kasi, Zach. Bakit mo 'ko iniwan, gago ka talaga."

Parang nagpatong patong na ang lahat kaya sumabog na. Naiinis ako kasi hindi ko na dapat iniiyakan si Zach at hindi ko pa dapat iniiyakan si Shishi na para bang may past kami. Kaso I could not help it. Hormones siguro. I just had my period kasi.

"Hoy!"

I spun around and unti-unting nanlaki ang mga mata ko nang makita si Shishi na nakatanaw sa labas ng car window.

He came back for me?

"Sakay na, ano ka ba? Bakit ka nagpapaulan d'yan?"

Lumakad ako palapit sa kanya, wiping the tears from my eyes uselessly, but hindi na siya nakapaghintay siguro. Bumaba na siya ng car at hinila ako papunta sa passenger side at pinasakay ulit. Then he walked around the front and climbed back inside.

"May tama ka talaga," naiiling na sabi niya while ruffling his wet hair with his hand. "Akala ko ba may payong ka?"

"Hindi ko pala nadala," I said and sniffled a little loudly. Sana hindi mahalata ni Shishi na umiyak ako kasi baka lalo niya ako mapagkamalang not right in the head.

"Para ka talagang tanga," sabi pa niya before starting the car again.

Tahimik na kami during the whole car ride na umabot ng less than five minutes na lang. The only time na nagsalita kami was when he asked for directions again kasi nakalimutan niya. Then finally, we reached our home.

"Thanks, Shiloh," sabi ko sa kanya, trying for a smile.

He just glared at me and started rummaging through his backpack, looking for something. When he found it, ibinato niya sa akin. It was a foldable umbrella. "Sa susunod, magdadala ka ng payong. Alam mo namang tag-ulan na. Wala bang ulan sa mga anime na pinapanuod mo?"

Napatawa ako nang mahina dahil sa sinabi niya. "Meron naman. Salamat ulit."

"Baba na," utos niya, back to his Super Saiyan mode. "Basa na yung kotse."

"Sorry. Thank you. Ingat," I said and got out of his car for the second time, opening the umbrella as I did. Bago ko isara yung door, tiningnan ko muna siya. He was also looking at me but ang lalim na naman ng frown niya. "Bye. Good night."

As soon as I closed the door shut, umandar na ang kotse niya. I did not watch him go this time and pumasok na ako kaagad.

I guess hindi ka talaga makakabitiw agad sa bagay na nakakaadik kahit alam mong masama 'yon.

For heaven's sake, I officially like Shiloh freaking Dominguez.