A Life in Reverse

When Akari opened her eyes, she was greeted by the sight of her parents in the kitchen.

She gaped at the sight, trembling involuntarily. Akari tears up.

'Didn't I... didn't you...'

"Akari before you go to school since me and your dad are free, do you want us to help you get your stuff back from your Aunt's house?" her mom asks after putting her IPad aside which is her go-to for any work-related tasks just to show how free she is by being willing to let that go while her dad just smiled at her as he was busy making breakfast since it's his turn that time to make them. "We're imposing too much on them already for letting you dump all your stuff there. They might not mind but we have had this house for a few months now... It's really time for you to settle in your own room you know."

'It feels the same... as this morning. No, this can't be happening. It's not possible!'

She wanted to step back but this is the moment she felt that control was not with her as she felt herself walk and sit at the table. She felt nauseous and wanted to vent the uncomfortable feeling but even screaming wasn't in her power.

"How about buying her new stuff while we're at it later. We don't really need to take them all since their place is closer to school too, right kiddo?" her dad adds as he finished setting the table and sitting down and beckoning Akari over.

'Mom! Dad! But...'

She wanted to tell them to go ahead and be someplace else than here.

'Just go somewhere because the house... the house...'

Akari's thoughts stopped as she saw the two smile at her. It was that same measured smile from both of them when they are really trying to make it up to her that Akari is used to and it usually made her feel unpleasant due to them trying their best to pacify her like a small kid but this time, she was willing to feel that than not anymore.

It was just that, the same conversation. There won't be new interactions to follow. Nothing will follow.

"So what would it be?" they both asked, excited at any choice that Akari decides on.

'Stop!!! Go away! Don't wait for me here! Stay away from here. Please... please don't leave me alone...'

Akari tried to reach out to them, wanting to hug them, to even grasp just their hands and feel their warmth but she couldn't. She only hears herself coolly reply: "Let's do both after I come home!" And she felt herself stand to leave.

'Don't go! Stay there! Stop!!!'

'Idiot, stop!!!'

'Go back... you'll regret leaving like that... because there won't be a home to come back to.'

---

Akari feels herself falling backward after being tackled. She looks up through her tears and was met with the same tear-filled face of her teammates. She instantly felt the disconnection because what she can see were tears of happiness. and hers were not.

"Akari-chan!!! You're too awesome!!! What the heck was that last spike?!" It was her classmate, a silly friend, and a very reliable setter who gave her that tackling hug as she cried in joy. "Damn it, we really won!"

'The tournament?'

Recognizing her current location she looks around hoping to see the two people she wished to see again. Akari looks to the stand like before only to find her cousins jumping and waving excitedly while her aunt was holding tightly on their collars in the instance they had the sudden urge to jump from the second floor to quickly go to her. That idea made her smile for a bit then because it was possible.

But her parents were not there.

She remembers, they were both occupied with work at that time and were not able to attend this time unlike during her first time in a match last year. She did not really mind it that much before because she understands that they can't always free up time for her but this time, the pain due to their absence was doubled because she knows that their absence now... is permanent.

Akari just sobbed through all the noise and cheer of winning the championship.

'What's the point of going back like this?'

'No, this is too far back, just take me back to my parents! Please... I don't care for any of this anymore. I'll give up anything. I'll stop being needy and be satisfied with whatever is given to me so just give them back.'

And as if to mock her, the cheers of happiness only became louder, drowning her cries and begging.

---

Then Akari stares at the darkening sky and found herself panting hard and too tired to move.

"Are you okay, Akari-chan?"

'Shoyo'

He was peering down over her.

It was one of the occasions where Akari collapsed from overworking her body with the rigorous training she put herself into. But now, none of that matters.

Her anguish overflows and she sobs because she can't do anything. She is unable to do anything at all. She even want to punch this guy's sunny face because she felt like he was mocking her but still, she could not even vent. She wails miserably, it is not as if the memories being played will be affected or changed. There's no point even trying.

She hears herself asking for help and she groans at this miserable body of hers that doesn't even accommodate her wishes properly.

Shoyo readily agrees and with that small stature, he carried her on his back.

"Why did you end up like this? Isn't it painful?" Shoyo asks as he starts heading home. Their home. Not hers.

Akari shivers. It was as if Shoyo was asking her about her current situation. But she still could not do anything or change anything since this event already passed.

She just heard herself say: "When you lose something because you were lacking and when it caused much pain, that's when you realize you took it for granted. You regret."

"Hmm, that's too complicated. Is it like choosing only one between tamago kake gohan or meat buns?" Shoyo thinks for a bit that time but his nonsensical question irked her that time and made her chop his head as if on reflex.

Thwack!

"Eh? Rii-chan, what was that for?" Shoyo questions, sounding really aggrieved.

"You asked something silly."

It was her curt reply. Akari realized it was also this time when Shoyo started calling her that. It just slipped out naturally like that. But she never changed the way she addressed him in return. She has calmed down a bit to realize she was being brusque for so long with this cousin and yet he never really called her out on it.

"It's the same! If I lose out on one, I'll regret not eating the other that time."

Akari hears herself chuckle both in that moment and now. "So stupid. Never mind then, just think that was the musing of someone half asleep."

Shoyo just harrumphs.

Akari realized she was taking time in this past. She started looking around if she missed anything around her just because of this silly banter with Shoyo. Maybe she ignored something because she can feel herself drifting to sleep but the current her is still clutching at straws trying to figure out what she missed.

"Yeah," Shoyo whispers. "Don't act tough when you feel alone, if you get tired then we're still here to accompany you no matter what happens."

Akari at that time already drifted off to sleep. But Akari of right now did not. And his words shook her to her core.

'I'm not alone?'

As if to answer her musing, she sees moments when Shoyo was trying to copy her training, just being around like a fly was her usual thought of him at that time. She also saw moments when he tried to casually walk over to ask if she needed anything while hiding a bottle of unopened water and appearing to want to give it to her only for her to walk away after saying no. Shoyo always left dejectedly after those brief interactions but his enthusiasm is always renewed the next time she goes to train and he tailed after her.

If Akari remembers correctly, she only allowed him to join her a month before the tournament. That was too brief when compared to when Shoyo started following her around. She can't even remember when he started.

Then she sees moments with Natsu willingly opening up a part of her room to share with her. It was her idea to let Akari stay with them during weekdays when she entered Yukigaoka Junior High. Akari awkwardly interacted with her but she also did not see any dislike from this younger cousin of hers.

And to top it all off, her Aunt always welcomed her.

'I don't have any memories of ever telling her about how things are at home but she still managed to know somehow. Knowing my parents, they'd assumed I'd be fine on my own by how I mostly showed I was capable enough so she really did so much for me...'

Akari was still in tears but this time, even though she still wanted to go back and start over, she knows that was not possible.

But at least, now she knows she's not alone.

And she can still take a step forward.