Chapter 2: The past is forgotten and the future is dead (I)

[May 4, 20XX]

I remember that ever since I was little my mother warned me about bad kids and that I should be careful who I hung out with. In the end, all those words fell into a void because at some point I ended up being one of those bad company that other parents will use to warn their children.

There's no particular reason why I did all that, it just happened. Even though I had my mother and Nils, I always felt alone or that something was missing, and that no matter how hard I try I'll never fit in with society's expectations of me, that feeling grew until it peaked and I became a total jerk, feeling entitled to hurt everyone just because I wasn't alright.

And it was at that moment that I found my "bad influences".

They were the typical outcast group at school, known to be drug addicts and delinquents, not that I actively sought to hang out with them, it was all more of a coincidence. That day the training in the track team ended late, when I went out it was even getting dark, I was very tired so I went to a nearby store to buy something with caffeine since I needed to stay late finishing a project, those guys were outside the establishment, I simply ignored them and went on my way, but they did not have the same idea and began to provoke me, spoiler alert the matter ended very badly, the police even had to intervene, it must be said that I could not finish the project that night instead I spent the whole night at the police station waiting for my mother and the others to reach an agreement for "public disturbance". At some point, out of the blue one of the boys spoke to me, then the others and that's how it all started, then from time to time we would meet at school and say hello, their existence became noticeable to me until in the end, although it was for a short period of time, my whole life was stained with its colors.

At first it wasn't anything out of the ordinary, skipping some classes or training to play or go for a walk, it wasn't excessive either, at most it was once or twice a week. But after a while I started coming home late because I had been at parties, the number of times I missed either classes or training began to increase, plus if for some reason I attended school I usually did it while I was drunk after all I didn't even go home I just walked straight out of wherever I woke up and headed to school and even at some point I started smoking, but at least I can say I never tried any drugs I guess that was the "limit" for me.

Everything became a vicious routine, drinking, smoking, passing out somewhere, waking up and if I felt like it, I would go to school if not I would simply waste time with the others, every day at all hours that was the only thing I was in, I didn't even go home anymore or either talk to my mother, I lost my sense of existence, I was just there throwing my life away. And Nils, realizing my "misdeeds", confronted me and tried to find out what was wrong with me, I must admit that he had great patience, if it were me, it would have started with a blow, in the end we fought very badly, or I could say that everything was one-sided, while Nils tried to be as civil as possible by speaking calmly and trying to understand my behavior, instead I, like human garbage, began to yell at him, insult him and even throw some punches, despite that he did not return any hitting or scolding just walked away, I guess waiting for me to calm down so we could talk again. But, no matter how much Nils or my mother tried to make me come back, I always rejected them and treated them in the worst way possible...

Augh, it's so hard to write this.

I even went so far as to reproach my mother for being adopted so that she would leave me alone, and not content with that I mentioned one of the great taboos that I knew would destroy her: the death of my father.

With Nils, oh he never gave up, looking back I feel so touched and lucky to have him in my life even though I didn't deserve it. I had to almost kill him to get him to leave me alone, it wasn't on purpose, it's just that one day when I was drunk we fought too much and I almost hit him with my car, he didn't die obviously but he did break his arm, fortunately, that was all, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to live with myself anymore, now I'm kind of trying, but if something had really happened to him, not even using my whole life could I redeem myself.

Mr. Gray said writing about those incidents would make me feel better and maybe a little more liberated but I think it has had the opposite effect, I feel so miserable and doomed, I don't deserve redemption, I don't deserve my mother and Nils, meeting me was the worst thing that could have happened in their lives.

I want to change, I really want to, but I'm afraid that one day I'll turn into trash again that only serves to hurt the people I care about the most, they say that the past is in the past and that the best thing would be to look forward to a glorious future but is there such a future for me? What if that's my true nature and try as hard as I can that fact won't change? Is it possible to have a happy future with my loved ones? I am afraid, afraid of myself.