THE DIFFERENT FACES WE WEAR

8 FEBRUARY, MONDAY, BEFORE DINNER

When our car reached the single road into the packlands, the warriors automatically stopped the traffic on either side. They opened a barrier and allowed our car up onto the third lane. The empty one that was always closed.

Ki drove up to onto it. He lifted a hand in thanks to the nearest warrior and we sped off towards home.

So the third lane wasn't an extra lane they accidentally made. (You know, like "Opps, we made a third lane by accident. Nevermind, let's just close it up for now so no one accidentally uses it."). It was a VIP express lane.

I looked out of the window at the rest of the cars on the other lane, I watched the warriors in their wolf forms running alongside the cars. They bowed their big heads when our car passed them.

This was the road home for me every day. And I suppose this was the road home for everyone on it right now too. BUT it occurred to me how different my impression of this same road was until today.

I looked at Ki who was silent on mindlink. He was unsmiling.

I mean I had always known Ki and all my betas actually had a darker side that was never directed at me. Take Ben, for example, who was the cool and scary beta at his school. I had never given it a second thought because I had always thought we were friends. You know how Ben and Jonah who would laugh easily in front of me and the rest of our gang, but not the others. Or Savy... Some people were just shy or introverted. That's normal.

But now, I wondered if my Betas were like the road home... Scary and dangerous to outsiders with unregistered cars, unyielding and routine to the registered cars from our packs, with a gated express lane only for the alpha's car.

This troubled me. I had always thought they smiled and laughed with me because we were friends, more than friends, Betas were family too, right?

But what if they were only humoring the alpha on the express lane?

Then I would never know if they were tired of running with me, or if they hurt, or if they hated me.

Ki got off the mindlink, he smiled his usual perfect smile, "A thousand pardons goddess."

I shook my head, "It's okay."

And then I said, "Ki, you don't have to smile if you don't feel like it."

Ki stopped smiling immediately, and then he smiled again, "Understood, goddess."

Really? Because I didn't understand at all. And part of me feel like I never would.

I looked out of the window and thought to myself, "I'm not going to be like that."

I decided that I won't ever wear a mask. I would always show my true face. I don't want to grow up to be the kind of adult who wore one face at work, and another face at home.

I know they'd say that sometimes you need wear a mask, to protect yourself from being hurt if you clashed. The world outside was scary, and there were lots of nasty people out there.

But I DON'T CARE. I'm the alpha. I can take it. I can take a lot of things.

If I should get hurt, I will heal and get up again. But I will never wear a mask. When people look at me, they will see me. Just me.

Maybe I'm being idealistic or naïve. But this will be the decision I've made for my own life.

I know it's normal wear masks in this world. They can dislike me. They can despise me. They can reject me. They can laugh or call me stupid. I don't care if it's going to hurt me more than it hurts them every time we interact. Even if everyone else has two faces. I'm only going to have one.

I'm Sam. Just Sam. And Sam was made with only one face.

We got home pretty quickly after that. 15 years living in these Packlands and that was my single experience of the infamous weekday evening traffic home. I'm a little embarrassed that I didn't even experience it in line with everyone else. But now, at least when I hear people talk about it, I could in all honesty say, "Yeah, I've seen it."

Anyway, we got home and Ki was happy because the kitchen wasn't an upturned mess and the dinner roast was actually done. Fluffy and Ben even managed to make the salad, slicing the lettuce finely the way I liked it.

It turned out Fluffy made the salad, and as I watched him dice the tomatoes, I realized that he wasn't using any of the kitchen knives Ki had stuck on some kind of magnet over the counter.

"I told you not to use that for food!" Ki scolded. He grabbed the knives midway, and then turned to Ben, "Why didn't you stop him, Beta? You don't know where these had been!"

Ben shrugged towards the sink, "I made him wash them with soap first. It's should be fine."

Fluffy just smiled wordlessly. Ki dropped the knives on the counter with a clatter. "Use those." He pointed at the kitchen knives.

Fluffy picked the one that looked closest to his throwing knife and went back to work, but much more slowly now.

I popped a piece of tomato into my mouth. I was hungry. Normally, I wouldn't pop pieces of vegetable. Normally, I wouldn't even be in the kitchen, but I had followed Ki through the side door of the main house after he had parked and ended up here.

The whole kitchen smelled good. Like lemon and fresh salad and roast. Mmmm roast. The oven beeped and Ben opened it, "S***. Hot!"

"Use a mitt, Ben!" I said. Geesh. Even I knew that!

Ki sighed and grabbed the black silicon mittens to pull out the tray. He quickly wrapped the roast with baking paper and aluminum and left it to rest on the stove top.

"Well, at least you figured out how to use the oven, Beta." Ki decided.

"It was easy." Ben smirked, "I just asked Savy to help me."

I laughed out loud at that. Ki washed some berries and put a small bowl in front of me to snack on. Ben came over so I put a few in his hands.

Fluffy came over too. So I gave him some as well.

Ben growled, "Back off, dog."

Fluffy smiled and ate the berries with obvious relish.

I sighed. So childish. But I quickly finished the rest of my berries before these two bug me for more.

Ki just looked amused, "Would you be staying for dinner, Beta?"

Ben shook his head, "Mum wants me home. Says I'm out too much lately."

"Then go home." I scolded.

Ben protested, "But I'm here on official alpha duties."

Ki was pulling out glass goblets and things. He opened a can of peaches and made Fluffy chop them too. Then he set up the mixer and whipped cream.

Before I knew it, peaches and cream in glass goblets were placed on a tray to chill in our fridge.

Ben sat on the barstool next to mine. He was in beta praying position. And then he spoke without looking up, "Are you okay, Sam?"

"Of course I'm okay." I said.

"I thought maybe you cried just now." Ben said to his phone.

I paused. My first response was to lie something like "No way."

My second was to laugh it off and joke something like, "Are you sure what we have is a beta bond and not like a mate bond?"

I might have gone with that when Ben spoke, "I felt your wolf stir."

My wolf... Wolfie? And then I remembered, "Yes, I just made a life defining decision."

Ki and Fluffy looked up. Ki washed his hands and wiped them on his apron as he walked over, "What is it goddess?"

"I'm never going to grow another face." I declared.

Ben smirked. Ki looked nonplused. Fluffy kept smiling.

"I mean, you know how adults wear one face to work and another face at home? Or one face in front of their bosses, and another one in front of their subordinates? I'm not going to. I'm only going to wear one face. The same face for everyone." I explained.

"I don't care if everyone says I'm stupid or laugh at me. I don't care if everyone else is faking it. No matter who I meet or where I go, I'm only going to be just Sam!"

"Sam..." Ben started.

But then, I just popped the last berry in my mouth and said, "Yeah, I just got emotional for a bit. I'm okay."

Ben paused.

"Girls get emotional all the time. I mean, you should know. You live with Lizzy." Feeling a little stupid about making such a big deal of it, I resorted to trying to brush it off now.

"Yeah okay." Ben said. He looked wholly unconvinced. He stood up, surprising me because I didn't expect him to be that tall. And then he leaned forward, pulled my head close to his shoulder and said, "If anyone dare laughs or call you stupid for that, I'll kill him."

And then he let me go and left.

Ki and Fluffy just kept smiling. I watched them for a moment before asking, "What?"

"What, what, goddess?" Ki asked, his smile still firmly in place.

"What are the both of you thinking?" I asked.

Ki hesitated. Fluffy didn't. He pointed to his beautiful smile, "I only wear one face in front of everyone too."

Ki gave Fluffy a quick backhanded whack on his stomach, "Don't miss the point on purpose."

To me Ki said, "I was thinking, it should be fine. You can always use our faces too. We can always face the difficult things for you."

"No way!" I said, "I'm the alpha. I'll protect everyone."

"And everyone will protect you." Fluffy replied.

I stopped short at that. Oh. I never thought of it that way before.

Ki cleared the empty bowl in front of me. He made Fluffy wipe down the counters and go set the table.

"Dinner will be in ten minutes, goddess." Ki informed me as he started plating the food.

"I'm still going to protect everyone!" I informed him and then I ran out of the kitchen.

I only had 10 minutes, so I dumped my school bag in my room, took out my homework including the blasted script to work on later. Then I changed WITHOUT TAKING A SHOWER. Which was a big deal because I almost never did that, but I was out of time. There was my training gear set out on in the golden birdcage rack. I changed quickly into the grey sports bra, a white t-shirt, and grey matching grey tracksuit with white stripes on the side. The only blue thing in my outfit tonight was the pair of navy blue trainers. The whole shoe was a uniform dark blue but inside and underside of the trainers was a shocking pink, and I couldn't decide if I liked that or not.

Oh well. I pulled them on and got myself to the dining room just before Dad came in too.

He kissed mum and lifted Sabre up, "How's my littlest puppy?"

Sabre laughed. She had started warming up to Dad. She lets him pick her up now. Before, she only let Mum and Savy hold her.

Ki and Fluffy served the meal and we all sat down. Savy came just after the salad was served. She dropped into her chair in a dark red track suit in the same striped pattern as mine. Her hair was done up in a messy bun and the red heart clip.

"Are you wearing make up, Savy?" Mum asked.

"Just lipgloss." Savy said, "And a bit of mascara."

"Are you going out later?" Mum asked.

"Lizzy and I are going out for a run." Savy answered.

The was a moment of silence as the whole family processed this.

"Just you and Lizzy?" Mum asked.

"Yeah." Savy answered.

"Running?" Mum asked again.

"Yeah." Savy nodded and ate some salad.

"Where will the both of you be running?" Mum asked.

"Just around the wooded trail behind the packhouse." Savy answered casually.

There was another pause. My parents were mindlinking. You know, the way they mindlinked whenever they needed to consult each other about whatever parents discussed when they didn't know what to do about their kid (usually me.)

"It's just a run, what's the big deal?" I asked, "I used to run there a lot. It's pretty safe. Lots of the guys from our pack run too."

Mum and Dad didn't say anything.

"Sam can come too." Savy offered.

"I can't. I've got the special fighter training today, remember?" I said.

"Oh." Savy sighed.

"Why don't you and Lizzy use the gym in the side wing? Or swim in the pool?" Mum offered.

"I never get to go out if Sam isn't coming." Savy said.

It really didn't seem fair for Savy.

"Savy has already shifted and it's just a run behind the pack house." I argued on her behalf, "I'm only going to get busier from now on, it's not right to keep her cooped up at home all the time."

Savy gave me a grateful look. Mum pressed her lips together.

"Alright, but be back in an hour. " Dad sighed. Mum's mouth was still in a straight line, but she didn't contradict Dad.

Savy smiled, "Thanks Dad."