1131 I DON'T KNOW… YET

"Hoo boy, Sam." Beta Lucas shook his head, "You almost died."

I guess it wasn't all a dream...

"We thought you'd sleep till we got back." Ben said. He probably meant they HOPED I would sleep through...

"Wait, we're not back?" I had thought as much, but hearing it just pressed the freak-out button for me, "Then where... I mean, WHEN are we? I mean WHY?"

I really wanted to go home. Crawl into my golden clamshell bed, blue hair and lemon scented normal life of Sam. A nice long soak in the bath wouldn't hurt either.

Why was I the only one freaking out? Everyone else was just sitting/standing around like it was just another day in Night Leaf.

"Why are you freaking out, Sam?" Ben asked.

Why wasn't anyone else freaking out?

But they weren't the ones who nearly died so of course I shouldn't expect them to understand, but still... I nearly died - in the middle of a stalled first shift at that!

Didn't everyone make a big fuss when it happened to Dean? He even got a standing ovation the next day at Breakfast with the Alpha.

At least I got cookies, I dropped myself off the sofa to sit at my "alpha's desk" to tackle my "alpha work"… I did it automatically, even while my mind whirred to understand our situation right now. It was just something Little Sam used to do. Not Lala though, which was weird, because now I seemed to be influenced by Lala too. My tea was just the way Sam liked it, but Lala would have preferred to drink it with more tea than milk.

I frowned at my tea after the first sip, suddenly not understanding why I had ever liked my tea like this - technically, it was warm milk with sugar (and a dash of tea.)

"Is something the matter, goddess?" Ki immediately picked up on it.

I shook my head quickly because I didn't want Ki to think it was his fault. It wasn't. I think we had already established that my betas were perfect. I was the problem.

But I really didn't want to drink sweetened tea-flavored milk for the rest of my life anymore, "I think I grew up a bit and need more tea in my milk now."

Ki immediately obliged by adding tea to my cup. Ah… my life as Sam was really the best. Why did I even try to go back in time to change anything in the first place?

Oh, right. Because my Dad wanted to fix Jude. (So it wasn't me - at most I was the accomplice.)

Since I was "now awake and obviously had a lot of questions", Beta Lucas decided to take in on himself to fill me in on what was happening on behalf of everyone else in the room. So in between long pregnant pauses for what he felt was dramatic effect, but also sometimes just so that he could take another drink of coffee, he explained our current situation.

I took the liberty to summarize and remove all the dramatic and coffee pauses, seeing that this IS my diary and all, I think I reserved the right.

And it really was my diary - my non-pink very Sam diary. Yup, I really did make it back to write this! :)

But first, here was what happened according to Beta Lucas (with the usual interjections from the other wolves in the room):

I had passed out from the first shift failure at our Undo Point, but there was "nothing to worry about" because Ki was holding on to my lifeline "the whole time." Beta Lucas sounded very confident in Ki's ability to keep me alive, but Ki's smile was the gentlest one when he nodded, "We were very lucky."

Before, I wouldn't have understood the implications, but between Sam's understanding of Ki's smiles and Lala's better inference skills, I realized Ki had been plenty worried. And although I wouldn't have known before, I've learned a lot about healers recently, and while it wasn't rocket science, it was rooted in very complicated and arcane magic, which was probably worse.

In short, I figured that even having a healer hold on to your lifeline wasn't a guarantee you wouldn't die. Even in Dan's story - they had attached 4 healers to hold on to his, all of them more powerful than Ki right now, and they still worried.  I nodded, "Thanks for keeping me alive."

Because if I had died from shift failure, I would have had died twice. Once from the actual shift failure, and a second time from the sheer humiliation - what kind of weak wolf would die from not being able to shift? It was like something an omega would do.

This thought surprised me. I had always thought myself as an open-minded and unprejudiced alpha, and I had often hated when strong wolves looked down on omegas, but… I realized I didn't exactly think much of weak wolves either.

Like I was okay if an omega failed to shift because they were weak wolves to begin with, I would be empathetic even. But it was NOT OKAY if I failed. Why was that? Why did I think I was better than anyone else? Because I was the alpha? Was this a Lala thing or a Sam thing? Or maybe it was a Boo thing. Can I go back to blaming Boo again?

I thought about Dean - the omega I had grown up best friends with. How did we become best friends? I don't think we really had that much in common, but I had always cared for him. Did I care because by circumstances, he was the only friend my age in this pack, or because I felt sorry for him?

Suddenly, I remembered the way the adult wolves would find it amusing whenever they saw us playing together. In their eyes, we were just innocent pups who didn't understand how incompatible our friendship was.

So while our drifting apart this year totally caught me off guard, I guess to everyone else, this was only natural now that our wolves had shifted and we took our places among the rest of our pack.

I distinctly remember telling my parents that I heard a rumor that Dean would probably turn out to be my soulmate. 

"It makes a lot of sense, since we get along so well and are the only two born in the same year." I informed them. I thought my parents should be given the heads up, just in case the rumors proved true.

My Dad was less than impressed, "You're like a frog in the well."

Well, excuse me for being a frog!

"I don't think it's very likely. Rumors are seldom true." Mum weighed in, "I'm sure Dean is a very nice boy, but you're both too young to have to worry about soulmates. Just enjoy all your friends for now."

I nodded, "Good idea. From now on, everyone is unisex unless he's my soulmate."

"What do you mean unisex?" Mum asked.

"Like a t-shirt." I explained, "They aren't girls or boys. They're just friends."

"Oh." Mum looked undecided, "I suppose so."

"Yes, cubs should just stay t-shirts." Dad was more certain.

I wondered why my Mum and Dad never told me what a dumb pup I was.

Dad did also tell me, "Don't do anything that you'd regret."

Where "anything" was never specified, but I had always assumed it meant not kissing a boy or something gross I'd never want to do anyway. I never felt it was relevant to my life. My world then was still where my backyard became a magical wild land and cardboard boxes could be turned into anything with markers, a sharp penknife, and the power of imagination.

I was young enough for me to wonder in hindsight which adult in his right mind would have given us that penknife. (ANS: Beta Lucas… also the supplier of permanent markers,  screwdrivers, and staplers, and that hot glue gun... which turned out to be a hot glue mess.)

Anyway, I was very proud of my unisex friends concept and announced it to my gang who laughed at me for it, but I didn't care. I was very confident that this was the solution to every misfired lycan romance in the world.

Now the Sam sitting here eating cookies in my Dad's office was a very different wolf. I was older and wiser now. For one thing, I was well aware that I didn't have the answers to anything. Who we love, who we choose, who was I to say anything?

I thought about Bell, who was so clearly my soul mate, but also about Fluffy - if he had asked me back then, would I really have given Bell up and stayed by Fluffy in the alternate timeline? Honestly, yes. I probably would have.

But would I be with Fluffy because the circumstances made us soul mates or because I felt sorry for him? Honestly, I don't know.

Which was the hardest answer for me to accept from myself. I don't know.

"Hoo yeah, lucky would be an understatement." Beta Lucas shook his head and continued his story without noticing Ki's emotional fluctuation at the memory, "We popped out of the Time Gates at just the right time and place to stop ourselves."

Naturally, the moment we saw ourselves, the second team knew at once that something must have gone terribly wrong - seeing myself pass out like I died unshifted confirmed it. We were so alarmed at the sight of us that we immediately wanted to turn back and abandon the mission… BUT…

Yeah, I kinda knew there would be a "but", there was always a "but."

We stopped our past selves from abandoning the mission and not messing up the past because Fluffy had recommended that we "guided" ourselves instead - like had we NOT learned our lesson?

No, of course not.

So, at this moment, our past selves were still at Incident 0, only this time, they weren't going to mess up like we did.

"For one thing, they'd be eating cold hotdogs." Beta Lucas sounded very proud of himself. This way, Gamma Harry wouldn't be able to smell our camp and we would be able to complete our mission properly.

Was that what they thought the problem was?

After leaving our past selves with "good advice" for their mission, we returned to our Original Timeline and found everything in good order. Everything was "fine" and Jude was "taken care of."

WTH did that mean? But for the first time in my life, before the question came out of my mouth, I thought about it, "Do I really want to know?"

I don't know.

But I knew I really wanted to get home to make sure everything was really fine. Beta Lucas assured me that they made all the checks, but I felt my standards were a little more specific. E.g. If my golden clamshell bed was not there, it was not fine.

"Why do you keep freaking out?" Ben complained.

Why?

"Why do you think?" I dropped my head in my hand, "You're all crazy."

The moment those words left my mouth, I realized it was true. All the things Dan Lion had observed about our pack… now that I saw it from his POV, I couldn't unsee it anymore.

My wolves laughed as if I complimented them. Ben worried though, "Are you sure you're alright Sam?"

I never said I was alright. None of us were alright. I was THIS CLOSE to standing up and ordering everyone back to the undo point to undo our mess PROPERLY. Wow, I was so Lala in this moment, just without the tears.

I took a deep breath and tried to keep my sigh as quiet as possible, "I'm fine. And then what happened?"

No matter what they say, I was determined to listen to the end before deciding on the appropriate course of action because I'm so much older and wiser now.

Anyway, the moment we merged back with our Original Timeline, Ben and I physically morphed back to our shifted state and everyone came out the other side with the memories of our alternative lives, but with our wolves intact. Aside from some additional emotional baggage (like we didn't already carry enough of those), we were alright.

In some ways, more than alright. The additional life experience was rather enriching. They had the mission debrief and concluded that most of them had gained additional skills and a renewed appreciation of the life they had in our Original Timeline.

Exactly, so why were we still messing around at Incident 0?

Because we were crazy. I was going to be the Alpha of crazy wolves.

We were currently back in time to Sunday afternoon, the hour after we had first left for our Time Traveling Mission.

"It's a good thing too." Beta Lucas said, "I forgot we ordered sandwiches and coffee from the kitchen."

But they didn't come back just so as not to waste good food and hot coffee. It was because Bell had thrown a proper alpha chi-ka-boom on the front lawn after we left, and it had left an ugly curse on our front lawn.

They had come back, calmed him down, and were now just taking a break before heading back.

"Hoo boy, your Luna Bell was furious." Beta Lucas informed me.

"You should've seen his face when he saw Ki carrying your unconscious body though." Ben told me, "It was priceless."

"We are going to be better off dead when we get back to our original timeline though." Fluffy reminded everyone.

Apparently, when Bell realized we were from the future, he made my betas tell him exactly when we were from.

"The five of you, see me first thing Tuesday morning." Bell decided, "At the Lorent Office."

So they knew he was purposely making things difficult for them, but Bell stepped back into his cursed portal, and the front lawn was saved.

It seemed that even Bell was not keen to mess with alternate timelines. He would wait for us to deal with at the RIGHT TIME. My mate was so wise. ~ ❤

"I'll come with you on Tuesday." I decided.

"Oh, is pretty alpha worried about us?" Fluffy beamed.

Urm… no? I just really wanted to see Bell, make sure that he was really well. One day, he would become Grandpa Bell, one day we would walk down memory lane together, one day he might not be able to keep walking with me forever… I mean, these were always some of the possibilities in our future, but I think… I think I had to love him and treasure him more when I have him. To borrow from Krystal's favorite love song, "I'm gonna love you, like I'm gonna lose you."

Because I didn't love Bell just because he was my soul mate, it wasn't just because circumstances put us together, and I definitely didn't feel sorry for him or feel he needed me.

Why did I love Bell? I don't know… yet.

But maybe one day, we would look back together at our love and I would figure it out.