I'M NOT CUTE

We stank so bad all of us needed a shower before re-entering the party.

"You can use my shower... And my clothes." I offered Lola when she looked uncertain. Lola was one of the few girls who was taller than I was, but only slightly.

"Thanks Sam, but I'm not sure I would fit." She said.

"Why wouldn't you fit?" I waved it off, "Come on, we stink worse than a skunk on a bad day."

Lola laughed and came with me. Henry went up to his guestroom. My betas, Luna, and a rather undressed Fluffy followed us at a distance. At first I thought they were giving us girls room to talk, but then I realised they were giving themselves room to confer.

Maybe Bell wanted to know about the gyara. I wanted to know about the gyara too. I just hope Bell wasn't still chewing off my betas.

"Wow." Lola said as we approached and she could see the turquoise pool room.

The guys had found some rats and were stomping them. But the rats sounded like they were giving the guys a hard time... It was like a one sided battle, with the rats winning.

This was not good since the other side comprised of the creme de la creme of the green packlands, three true betas, my generally terrifying luna, and a real-life Colored Mountain wolf of alpha descent.

I hope none of the rats got to my room.

We waited by the door in the cold for one of my betas to open the door for us. I didn't bring my card key. It's in my school bag (probably). I mean, there was a card key in my school bag which probably was the card key to the house, or else it was the key to the old alpha apartment. Actually, I had no idea.

Anyway, we just stood there. I didn't offer any excuse to be stranded outside my own door. Lola was too polite to ask so she just very softly cleared her throat and said, "Thank you..."

I was about to brush it off, and then she said, "I got a chance to fight today, to really fight. I'm really happy, even though it was mostly from the back and the last shot didn't help much. I'm slow... When I practice in the shooting range, I always took my time to make every shot perfect. But watching the guys today I realised the vast difference between just shooting in a practice range and shooting in a real fight. I'm really too slow."

I opened my mouth and close it again. Actually, I thought she did fine, but now that she mentioned it... I thought of Ethan's crazy shooting speed. Actually even Ki or Harvey, or Ben... They took the shots much quicker.

"Don't worry." Lola smiled and under the light of the moon she was so beautiful, "I'll work hard and be strong enough to run with you. One day, maybe I'll be the one protecting you."

I nodded just a little. I didn't need protecting, but she sounded like she wanted to do it. And well, I wanted to be her friend so I didn't want to say no and make her think that I didn't want her around or worse, that I didn't think she could do it.

"Okay, sure." I told her.

Killion opened the door for us, "A hundred apologies for the wait, goddess."

And not, "Why didn't you bring your key card along when you go out? You're always forgetting!"

Which would be the key difference (all pun intended) of my life after I became alpha VS before I became alpha.

It was a nice change, I'd give it that. But I couldn't help but flashback...

I said: "Let's go up and cool off first."

Result: Nothing.

Dad said: "You kids go up and rejoin your friends at the party."

Result: "Yes, Alpha." In unison, respectful bowing, and immediate compliance.

Dad was the true Alpha. So what was I?

WTH. Now my mind rewinds a little further back and started playing back snippets selectively:

Henry said, "You know, you're going to be their Alpha one day. If you're too soft on them, you won't get their respect."

"It's fine, Sam. James and your betas will keep your guys in line."

Ben said, "Nah, I was just worried you might over-punish them because we all know you're mean like that. (To Henry) It's not a lie if she knows I'm lying."

Harvey said, "Princess, perhaps we might leave this to Ben or I to deal with. It doesn't not seem to be worth your time."

Shannon said, "Sam, you're not exactly the scary type."

The hyena brothers said, "Hahahahaha" in their best sacarstic laugh.

Which I had thought was funny at the time, but now it wasn't that funny anymore.

Mate said, "Cute."

Well, he mindlinked "Cute."

But I wasn't trying to be cute.

Why was I feeling happy he thought I was cute? No! I'm never going to get any respect like this!

"Sam? Sam?"

I blinked and looked at Lola. We had reached the landing on the third floor. The other guys had gone to their own rooms to shower. Even Bell had a room on the second floor.

{He should've been in my room. My mate, my bed.}

But I wasn't in the mood to deal with Boo.

"Are you alright?" Lola looked concerned.

I nodded quickly, "Yeah, I was just thinking."

I opened the door and she followed me inside.

"Wow... Your bed..." Lola just stood there. I flipped the switch to open the bathroom and wardrobe. Maybe if I showed it all at once, Lola could get over the initial shock quicker.

"Come on, I'll show you how to work the bath." I went into the bathroom. Lola hesitated before following me.

I turned on the water and checked the temperature for her, and then pulled out a clean towel.

"This is embaressing." Lola laughed a little, "You're the Alpha, I should be the one setting up your bath..."

Eh?

"I don't think there's such a rule." I said.

"Not a written rule, but..." Lola looked thoughtful, "I've never had an Alpha, but I had always imagined that..."

Lola let out another embaressed laugh, "When Harvey and I were young, we used to make believe we found an Alpha to follow. And then Harvey would help him run our pack, and I would take care of his Luna... Like help guard her, and oooohhh, I would spoil her so much! I guess I had always wanted a little sister. So yeah, I'll be a bodyguard, we'd go shopping together, I'll help her choose her outfits and brush her hair - that sort of thing. It's silly now that I remember it."

As I listened, I picked out the wistfulness in Lola's voice, and the loneliness too.

"I was born with a gamma wolf, but because I am a girl, I never got to train with the guys. And later on I saw how my mum did just as much work as my Uncle Endo, but was only his secretary. I was told I would become Nix's secretary." Lola paused, she looked uncertain.

"And then what happened?" I prompted.

"I guess I had thought that if we had an Alpha, I would be able to do something important, protect someone precious, and have grand adventures... And then Harvey really did find an Alpha for our pack to follow and... And she made me realise that it wasn't because I was a girl. It was because I never said I wanted to do anything differently. I was always just following the norm, pleasing everyone, waiting for someone to show up and change my life for me."

But tonight she did say she wanted to fight, and she had her first real fight.

I paused, and then I said, "I've always had a little sister. I've always done whatever I felt was right. So I can't say I understand... But I think that you'll never know unless you ask, and if it's something really important to you, you need to reach out for it."

Then I wandered into the connecting wardrobe... Urm... Clothes... I pulled open some random drawers.

"I can rewear my undies..." Lola said at first.

But we really stank. I was sure our undies stank.

I shook my head, "Just use whatever."

"I don't think I'd fit." Lola said.

And then I realised she was talking about her boobs. Omo. Lola and I would be the illustration of the haves and have nots.

"Sports bra!" I announced loudly.

"Good idea!" Lola sounded relieved.

In the end, Ki had knocked and come to our rescue. His hair was still damp but he smelled nice and clean, unlike us.

He found us both outfits, and then cracked open the sliding doors to air the room. Lola went into the bath promising to be quick.

Did I mention that we stank? Because I was constantly reminded by my nose.

I'm just glad that my dream travelling mate couldn't smell me. It was grounds for rejection, I'm sure.

Ki left saying he would wait outside on the landing. I almost thought it was because we stank up the room that badly, but then I realized he was just following the standard protocol to ensure my privacy.

I was beginning to understand why they had furnished the landing with a sitting area. Now my betas would have a comfortable space to confer and wait and go tappity tap on their phones.

I went out to the rooftop just to not stink up the room any more than necessary.

True to her word, Lola came out pretty quickly. I had left the sliding door open so she found me looking out at the packhouse. I was wondering about the rat problem our dungeon party game had released into the rest of the pack. My wolf radar did not pick out rats. It was very limited that way.

"I set up a new bath for you." Lola said tentatively.

I nodded, "Thanks."

"Ah, Sam? Thank you. For listening, and the good advice. It was what I needed to hear." Lola said quietly when I passed her.

I paused, what do I say? I had no idea so I just blurted out, "It's okay."

And then I left, quickly into the bathroom. It's okay? WTH was 'it's okay'? Gah! I'm an idiot!

I took my bath as quickly as possible, washed out my hair, shifted, shook, and shifted back. Then I got dressed.

Lola was waiting for me, she offered a tentative smile, "If you don't mind, may I help you with your hair?"

Okay... This was because I told her to ask wasn't it?

"Yeah, I guess." I said. And then I added because WTH, it's just hair, "Knock yourself out."

If letting Lola play with my hair would make her happy, then whatever. I'm the Alpha, I would protect the happiness of my pack - I mean, whenever I said that, I never thought it would subject my hair to being brushed by someone else, but whatever.

Lola started chatting with me while doing my hair, "Your hair feels so silky! I just used the same shampoo as you, but my hair doesn't feel like this."

Okay, this is girl talk. I got this.

No. I don't got this. What was I supposed to say back? My mind drew a blank.

But Lola didn't seem to be expecting an answer, she continued, "The first time I saw you was when you attended an event at our school with your dad. It was just from far but thought you looked exactly like a perfect princess."

That was weird, coming from Lola... Wasn't she arguably the most beautiful girl in Green Leaf High? She was the most beautiful girl I knew.

"I remembered how you and Savy used to look so alike. The adults would say how Alpha Kingsley daughters were like a pair of perfectly matched dolls." Lola started braiding my bangs, she did it at an angle, I wondered briefly what kind of braid she was making.

"And then the next thing I heard was that you shifted and looked like the moon goddess. I was really nervous about meeting you at our first meeting. I didn't know what to expect from perfect princess goddess dolls."

I made a face at that.

Lola laughed, "But you turn out to be really nice. And then you turn out to be really strong too, and wise, and cute."

"Cute?" I was horrified.

Lola nodded, she pinned the finished braid up, "Yeah, when I saw you with your mate getting mad and stuff, I realised how cute you were. I get why the guys like to tease you so much now. Okay! I'm done with your hair."

My hair... was cute. Lola had made a braid on one side and wrapped it around my head like a hairband. It was long enough to go a few rounds. The rest of my long mane fell in their usual waves, except that she had used her fingers to curl them in individual locks while it was still damp so now it really looked like a doll's hair.

Lola paused to examine her handiwork, "Something's missing."

Ki knocked on the door.

"Come in." Lola called. Ki came in, "Is everything..."

He stopped midway when he saw me.

"Sorry Ki, I did her hair, but now her outfit doesn't match." Lola told him.

I'm no fashion expert, but I wasn't one bit surprised since I was wearing a sweatsuit.

We were at the tail end of the party. I was just going to check on my school friends and come back to bed.

Ki disappeared into the wardrobe and popped out again, "Would the goddess prefer a skirt?"

"Oh yes, a cute one please." Lola answered.

I was just about to flare and sulk when I remembered Lola said I was cute when I did it.

I was an alpha who looked cute when I was mad. I'm doomed.

Maybe the reason why no one took me seriously was because I looked cute? I wondered if the saying "you are your own worst enemy" was talking about this. My cuteness was sabotaging my efforts to establish my alphaness.

Did that mean that all this while I thought I was a monster, everyone else thought it was cute? Maybe it was just Lola. Yeah... That must be it.

Because I'm NOT CUTE.