FINALLY IN BED

I'm so happy to be here. I feel like one of those game show contestants, except I'm not on a game show. I'm perfectly tucked into my precious bed.

I snuggled in happily in my nice clean nest, wrapped in my nice clean scent, all cosy and sleepy. My precious...I'm sure you arent reading this entry to hear me wax lyrical over how wonderful my bed is.

No... You want me to tell you what happened after the angry dark eyed Flynn (is anyone of you crushing on the guy? Cos he is really old. Like 22 years old, adult old, you know)

And I must be so sleep deprived that I am writing my diary as if I have a following of readers.

Since I don't think hallucinating a following of unseen teenage female readers is an alpha trait, I guess this is a me thing. Which says a lot about me...

Well it says one thing anyway. If you take the alpha wolf out of me, you'd probably find a very weird girl.

But you probably know that already.

So what happened at Thursday's training? Nothing happened. It was okay. I don't really want to talk about it.

But since you asked, I'll give you the executive summary, because I'm tired and I don't think I will be able to get through school tomorrow as it is.

Quick recap of how it went down:

Flynn: "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?"

Me: A knuckle sandwich with extra ketchup.

Nobody laughed at my joke (as usual). Am I so not funny?

Hank had retrieved his whistle, he called two other wolves up on the mat and they continued the exercise.

Flynn pulled me out to the side bench. The one Evelyn sat at yesterday night. He took out a first aid kit and antiseptic wipes to clean my knuckle and wrap my hand.

But for some reason, he didn't ask me anymore and I knew it's not because he thought I got it from hitting the Beta's stupid friend.

You don't bleed like this from punching an arm.

Anyway, he doesn't say much at all, just stuff like, "Turn your hand." And "Hold it out."

I don't say anything either, silently complying.

I don't know what's it with Flynn. Was he angry, annoyed, or just fed up with me? It's not like I'm doing it on purpose. I just haven't been myself since I've started school.

But I don't think anyone was quite themselves tonight. After bandaging my hand, Flynn left, telling me to wait on the bench. I watched the others take their turns on the mat.

It was interesting, but most of it was physical fights to push or hit the other guy off. Minimum control techniques used. But hey, it's hard to focus on control when you're trying not to get pushed off a mat. You don't have enough time to focus your wolf power on anything. At most you manage to enchance your speed or strength, but only for a spurt. It would take a lot of training to be able to pull out enough power and focus it mid fight.

I suddenly appreciated the purpose of this exercise.

I watched Jessica get on the mat facing against the Beta's stupid friend. But this time, the guy was quite easy going. It was a friendly fight. He let Jessica attack, and after a few futile attempts to get him off, Jessica stepped off the mat on her own.

He laughed, and it was a good natured rumbly sound. Jessica returned a sheepish smile. The other wolves looked relaxed and gave friendly jibes while Hank would bark a few pointers and instructions.

Flynn returned with a bottle of chilled water. He turned the cap to break the seal and passed it to me. I accepted the drink. I didn't bring my water bottle tonight. You know, because I thought I was just here to talk for a bit.

Flynn looked like he did have something to say though, so maybe this was the talk. "How is school?" He finally asked.

"It's okay." I answered, because it was. "I'm making friends, I got a small pack there, and the homework is okay."

Flynn nodded, "What about the vampire?"

I'm not sure exactly what the right answer was to this.

"It's okay now." I say.

Flynn nodded again, "How do you find Thursday's session?"

"It's okay. The vibe is good." I said.

"What do you think of training on Thursday?" Flynn asked me, "Just for the first part in human form."

I paused, "What do you mean?"

Flynn looked ahead at the session taking place, "At your level of control, you might gain more from training here with Hank and these teens. Control is important to counter vampires. Just in case, you know?"

I don't know. I mean, I know but I don't know.

Flynn was making reasonable points, but I don't want to. For one, I don't think I had the friendliest start with them.

It's like I know I don't need to be friendly. I am the alpha. But I don't like the thought that maybe the rocky start earlier was my fault. Is there such a thing as being too alpha?

"You'd still have to attend on Wednesday for the physical training since the physical part of Thursday is usually in wolf form." Flynn continued, "But the sessions here are tough on your inner wolf so if you think that's too much, you can also choose to take them in alternate weeks."

"Okay." I said.

I didn't say about how I exhausted I am. I didn't say how I don't feel confident about training with the goons. I know everyone else goes to school together and are friends. I can see it in their friendly camaraderie now. Those goons weren't the outsiders, I was.

But I didn't say this either. Because I won't say that I'm weak. Whatever it is, I am the alpha.

"I can take it." I say. I can take a lot of things. I am the alpha.

---End of recap---

Now that I'm sleepy and snuggled in my bed, I don't know why I kept thinking I'm the alpha. I don't feel like the alpha anymore.

I just feel like a sleepy girl who is going to have a miserable time waking up in a few hours for another school day.

Maybe it was my emerging wolf talking back there and I hadn't quite differentiated it's voice from my own. Wow, my wolfie personality is really domineering.

When I shift, I might end up even more bossy than Henry.

I had thought Henry was kind of laid back for an alpha (even though I think he breathes down my neck too much). Oh, but I overheard Henry alone with Marcus today and let's just say I don't think he is laid back anymore.

And I don't wonder why everyone else in school stays aways from Henry now. Even if there was a message from the teacher or worksheet for him, it gets passed to him through Marcus. This suits him just fine, because he's the alpha.

I'm the alpha too. But somewhere deep inside of me, I not sure if I would feel all that fine about being segregated like that.

I wondered for a while if my dad could be wrong, and if a girl could never be alpha.

Please goddess, if this is so, please make my mate strong enough.

Heck, make him crazy strong! Because I don't want to see our pack and all my dad's legacy fall because I failed to be the alpha and end up mated to a merman.

I don't want to be the one who let everyone down.

So just in case I do end up mating a goldfish, I think I have to give this alpha gig a concentrated effort.

If I can protect my pack, even if I had to stand alone in front of them for the rest of my life. I can take it. I can take a lot of things.

And I suddenly understand all that theory I had to study about the Luna.

There had been a lot of reasons why the Luna is the most important person to protect in the pack and the different roles she plays. But I get it now, the Luna is important because she is the only one who can truly stand by the alpha's side.

Dear Goddess... Please let me meet my mate tomorrow! Hahaha, it's not like I would know it was him anyway. Not for another five years (which is almost forever).

So I don't need to meet my mate tomorrow. Maybe what I really need was a bit of comfort, that on the day I have to step up and take the reins from my dad, I won't have to step up alone.

But I still wouldn't mind meeting him...