Chapter 8: Back & Forth

It feels like my emotions are bouncing back and forth so much that I might actually end up with a concussion or next brain with how much is going on. I struggle some days so much that I feel like the life is being sucked out of me and then I can't contrary the energy to bathe, clean, dishes or even spend time with my sons. I know that some of that is a slight level of depression but some of it is just pure exhaustion.

Dealing with an addict as a trial in itself. It will challenge you in ways that you never seen coming and make you have to face your own insecurities, vulnerabilities, and traumas that you tried so hard to run from or avoid. It's almost debilitating the levels of frustration and hurt that can come from dealing with an addict. I know in so many ways that this isn't necessarily A trial of my abilities but more so a challenge of my level of faith, understanding, empathy and sympathy. And when somebody does you so wrong publicly so that everybody knows about it that will truly put you in a position to either look like a fool or make you want to walk away.

Finding people to surround yourself with that will not necessarily condone your choices but will support them no matter whether they agree with them or not is a hard thing to find. Most people don't understand what it's like to be in love with and married to an addict. I don't know necessarily want this to be about degrading or belittling my husband because that's not what this journey is. This is more about me finding a way to battle my own demons and still be there to help him battle his own. And all I can do is try to be supportive or to motivate him but at the end of the day those are still his decisions to make and I cannot make them for him.

It's funny because one of the first things you're told when you're pregnant and having a baby is people congratulate you and tell you what I hope you have a strong army behind you. And I guess at some point as parents we stop needing that level of support that we may have needed when they were three, four or five months old and we're finding our way & finding our footing. And then some part of US thinks that we've got this but it's almost as if we never really grew out of having it. It's like at some point that army behind us needs to adapt, grow, or maybe even change into something totally different but just as supportive motivating and inspiring.

Some days really are easier than others. Some days I am back to being the independent strong woman who had been for 17 years raising my older two sons. And then some days I am just a struggling married woman confused on where to go next or how to fix everything that's happens that can barely take a strong breath not to mention clean up her house, or wash the dishes, or take a shower and shave my body, or even spend time with my little one so that he feels loved and wanted and appreciated. It's not just that some days are easier than others some days just feel impossible.

I am somewhat religious. I do believe in God I do believe in the Bible and I do believe in the holy Spirit. I do believe that a marriage is a union between two people in which they have to fight demons, Satan, and temptations of the world as a couple with the same mindset, beliefs, goals and understanding. I also do believe that infidelity, sin and adultery are valid reasons for divorce. My biggest battle right now is deciding when is enough, ENOUGH? When has the sins of my husband become my own undoing, added trauma, or unable to be redeemed? And after soul searching for almost two and a half weeks I still don't have an answer to that question!!! When do I walk away?

Don't get me wrong it's not like I do not love my husband at all. After all he's put me through I should hate or despise him. And I'm sure there is some part of me in deep inside that does have resentments, anger or hurt feelings! But there is a bigger part of me inside that loves him with every part of my being. So internally I must struggle, find myself, find some peace, and find some level of resemblance to a life regardless of whether he's here or not! And I feel as if on different days or different interactions make me constantly do a flip flop on how I feel. And it's not that I'm trying to contradict what I'm saying it's just in certain moments I feel one way and in the next I can feel totally different!

Love is an interesting thing. It has the ability to be someone's peace, motivate someone's kindness, make someone feel so free and cared for. But love also has the ability to destroy and cause devastation and its wakes leaving signs and residue of its existence. When you're in love with the right person it's so easy until that person becomes the wrong person and then it's so difficult. Do you divorce someone when they're at their worse because it's easier or do you stand your ground and fight like hell to get them back to who they used to be the person that you fell in love with, your partner, your soulmate, your rider?

Some part of me feels like that's the age old question that is why divorce is so easy for some and so much harder for others but why their is such a high divorce rate in the US! I mean divorce is easier when your partner is at their worst because the pain, the struggles, the hurt is easier to walk away from in those moments. But what about the good times, the moments you felt so loved that your heart was going to explode, at the moments you were just at pure peace and bless in full contentment of how things were, or during the moments in which you fell farther in love with your partner and couldn't imagine a day without them in your life? Do you just disconnect from those moments and forget they existed or do you hold those moments even tighter because that was when things were good?

Being surrounded by so many people telling you to walk away is hard when in your heart you know you're not ready to do that. And your soul you know you're bound to that person and that it will feel as if your soul is literally ran through a shredding system then thrown in a blender and blended up and put back inside your body. The pain of that kind of heartache is so intense the ideas of it make you so nauseous that you want to vomit and yet you're surrounded by people telling you that's what's best for you. They don't have to live with that choice or decision but you do for the rest of your life whether it's to walk away but accept things as they are and try to push through them. Only you can call the shots for that only you can know what you can endure more of or what you need to feel complete. But making it decision like that in moments of turmoil, destruction, or even sadness and pain could also be one of the worst decisions of one person's life!

And only you know what you can live with! Only you can make that call. And nobody else can....