ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN

TWENTY-ONE YEARS AGO IN SOUTHRAIN

"What is your plan with this child?", the midwife asked. She held the newborn in her arms. "This child will need to eat soon, you know that? Actually you should have fed her by now."

"I know. I have made up my mind. I don't want to see the child. I don't want to know anything. I fear to get attached," Amelia murmured.

"You have to pay me for helping you deliver this baby," the woman stated. Amelia was shocked at how much the woman valued money. She wondered if that was the right time to even talk about money. Resignedly, she sighed and struggled to sit up.

"What's next? What will you do? Where will you go?" the woman asked as she rocked the wrapped up baby in her arms.

"C…can I stay here until I recover? Please?" Amelia asked with pleading eyes.

"And the child?" the woman asked.

"If possible, please assist me with a car. I need to go somewhere with the child."

"Don't tell me you want to murder the child," the woman inquired.

"I don't have the guts to do so." The way Amelia spoke, it sounded as if, if she did had the guts, she would have considered that as a feasible option.

"Well, your child, your rules." The woman said.

She placed the little one on the corner of the bed and offered her hand to Amelia. Not knowing what the woman meant, Amelia remained sleeping on the bed. "Take my hand; you must come and take a bath! Thank God you don't need any stitches. The baby is not too big."

Amelia used her elbow to support herself as she stood up. Every part of her body ached terribly; and she felt a painful knot in her stomach. In her mind, Amelia had thought that the baby bump would disappear as soon as the child came out, yet here it was; she still looked pregnant. Holding on to the walls and furniture, Amelia limped in pain towards the bathroom and got into the shower. The woman immediately left. Again she realised that she did not know the woman's name. She wondered how to address her, then…

"Ma'am, there's a chair in the shower. A chair!"

"Use it!" the woman called back. Amelia was puzzled. How? "How" she screamed back.

"Sit on that chair, open the shower and clean up yourself! The last thing I want is you fainting in my bathroom. Once we call an ambulance here; they'll uncover all my secrets here. Now, none of us wants that!" the woman screamed so loud that the little baby began to cry.

Amelia felt a stab on her heart. But she had made up her mind. She could not. She did not want to. She would not. She wanted nothing to do with the baby. She feared attachment. She feared to be drawn close to the little one, and to end up deciding to keep him or her. No. She could not. She would not allow the poor soul to suffer with her in the streets. She shook her head in pain as the water pounded on her back and shoulders. The tears fell so much that she felt like they would dry up. Her eyes were swollen, and still she remained seated on that chair in the shower, with the water running non-stop.

"I...I cannot take care of you, my child. I don't want any attachment….I cannot know if you are a boy or a girl….please….I cannot even look at your face. Once I see your face, it will haunt me for life….I am sorry my child! I am sorry my child….I should have listened to Noel. If I had aborted you…..if…if only I had….aborted…..you wouldn't be…..in ….this…this mess….. Forgive me my child….but this is the best…..for you, my child….and for me." Amelia cried her heart out.

She felt all her energy draining out of her body, and she held on to the walls of the shower cubicle. With her head resting on her upper arm, Amelia cried all the more. The water continued to run on her body, and the more it ran, the more she cried.

It was after a very long while that Amelia stood up from the chair. Her legs were shaky. She stumbled to the bedroom, where she found the woman singing softly to her baby. Amelia quickly looked aside, and the tears started falling afresh.

"Here, take this cotton wool and pads," the woman pointed at some pads and cotton wool on the bed.

"Th...thank you," Amelia slowly picked them up. She dressed up and when she searched for her blouse; the one of the two that she owned at that time, she pulled out the yellow shirt. The yellow shirt that she had kept for all those months. It was the only thing that connected her to Noel.

"Can I use your scissors?" Amelia asked. The woman handed over the scissors. Amelia held the shirt and nipped on the collar. She used her might to tear it in half, but the collar was too strong. She roughly cut into the collar and then using her hands, she pulled the two sides apart; tearing the shirt down on the back.

"And then? What are you doing?" the woman asked.

"Well this is the only thing that connects me to the father of the child. I will keep half, and the child will keep half."

The woman let out a small laugh and said, "what use is that? You don't want the child. Half a shirt won't help the child in any way."

"I know," Amelia chocked on her tears. "It's just the one thing from the child's dad that I can pass over. And as for me, I will keep the other half. It will always remind me of this child."

"So suddenly you want to remember the child?" the woman asked.

"I don't know what I want for now," Amelia cried. "Giving the child half the shirt and remaining with the other half sounds good to me for now. It's the only thing that unites us three. Its Noel's shirt; so I get to keep half, and the child keeps half of it...but I can't keep the child" she said in a regretting voice.

"Are you still in love with Noel?"

Amelia did not respond. She simply repeated her request for a car.

Soon after 3AM, the woman was sitting in the driver's seat, and in the back, Amelia sat with the child. She was not holding the child. Instead, the little one was tucked in the Minnie Mouse towel, and left to sleep on the seat. The child had been crying, but the movement of the car seemed to calm the child down.

"I fed the child water." The woman chuckled.

"Water? Pure water?" Amelia felt her heart breaking into pieces.

"Yes. What else could I have fed the child? I have nothing for a newborn in my house," the woman spoke. There was absolutely no trace of care in her voice.

The child began to cry again. Amelia avoided looking at the child. She moved as far from the child as she could, rested her head on the window and cried uncontrollably.

"Is this what you want, or you're having regrets?" the woman asked.

"I…I've made up my mind" Amelia spoke up.

"Then stop crying" the woman sounded annoyed.

The car came to a stop. "We're here. You will have to hold the baby now, Amelia." The woman said sternly. "I cannot do your dirty work for you. It's bad enough that I offered to bring you here."

"I understand", Amelia sobbed. "Please do me one last favour. Please make sure the baby's face is still covered. I don't want to see the face. It's too painful."

The woman shifted her seat slightly to the back and looked at the child. The little one's face was already half covered, so the woman just pulled in the Minnie Mouse towel and threw it over the child's face completely.

With shaking hands, Amelia got off the car and walked around it. She opened the door on the other side of the car; where the child was. The little one had begun to cry again, and when Amelia lifted the child up, the little one became silent. Amelia's heart broke; for she knew that the child thought someone had come to comfort him or her, yet it was not so. Holding the child while keeping a small distance between her chest and the child, Amelia walked and disappeared into the darkness. After a short while she reappeared without the child.

On the way back to the woman's home, Amelia cried nonstop. She refused to eat, she refused to listen to, read or watch any news. She remained locked in the room, crying all the time. She lost a lot of weight and she refused to talk to anyone.

One day while she was wallowing in self pity, the door to the room where she slept was pushed open. Amelia raised her puffy eyes to see the woman standing in the doorway.

"You will never be able to pay me for all I have done for you. When do you plan to leave?"

Amelia shook as she lifted her frail body off the bed. She had no answer to the question.

"Come in", the woman spoke to someone who could have been standing in the corridor. A tall man entered and fixed his eyes on Amelia.

"This is my brother. He can help you cross the border, even without any papers. Today. You can go and start a new life in Hallowcave."

Amelia had never thought of leaving Lakeworld, but at that moment, that seemed like the only way out. She nodded her head. By evening of the following day, Amelia bid farewell to Lakeworld, and hello to Hallowcave.