Life Without Happy Pills!

Some days I wake up too happy, walking around smiling like someone just gave me a million dollars. Others, I wake up upset, my mind wonders back to the same sad spot all day. I'm not bipolar, just normal everyday depression. Being thirteen there aren't many options with depression medication. My enthusiastic doctor calls them "happy pills!" Personally I think seeing a dead body fried her brain cells.

She is nice enough, beautiful, and really happy. She is kind of strange, she wears freaky high heels. Her name is May Hamarton, everyone calls her May instead of Dr. Hamarton. I had an appointment today, she wore her heels, blue jeans, a green shirt that covered her but clung to her small figure, and she wore her long, black hair down. Her hair framed her face making her blue eyes pop, she really is beautiful. "I hate seeing you like this! You are such a sweet young man, why don't you try joining a club or playing a sport? Make friends! It may help with your condition. We really can't keep doing this up-down-mood-thing we are doing," she said we like she had depression too.

It ticked me off so I reacted a bit harshly to her, "Are you stupid? Are you even a real doctor, May? I mean you never use real terms! I am not six I don't need your childish cut downs! If you would take your job seriously and not dress like a hooker, I would appreciate it," Actually, I was very rude. Her eyes twitched and I swear the crystal blue of her eyes turned black! If I didn't believe in Hell before I sure did after seeing the demons flash in her eyes! I just wanted everyone else to hurt, I guess I hurt too, but that didn't matter to me.

My father always took us all out to lunch on Fridays, so the family went to lunch at my favorite place. The hostess, a tall skinny woman with brown hair cut like a boy, asked how many. My sister quickly raised her hand and started counting off out loud, "There is my daddy, Thomas Jr, lil' Samuel, me by the way I am Samantha, Mathew, and his evil twin."

The woman looked from my older brother to me, she would have been a real idiot to look at Samuel. It went Thomas Jr. twenty-three, me thirteen, Samantha seven, and Samuel two. Thomas Jr. picked up Samuel and patted Samantha's head, "I am Thomas Jr. and I would like a beer," he handed her his ID, she glanced at it, handed it back, and showed us to a booth in the back.

Another skinny waitress ran over to us her blonde hair hung down over her shoulders past her hips, the hair tie that should have held it back was cutting off circulation to her hand. She took out a notebook and smiled dumbly at us, "I am Tonya, you are my first people. Let's hope I don't mess up!" The hostess rolled her eyes and walked back to the front. "What can I get you today?" She said like she didn't even notice.

Samantha spoke first, "Daddy and Thomas Jr. want something but I don't know. Lil' Samuel and I want Chicken strips and French fries with orange juice. Ice cream for dessert," She smiled, "Mathew isn't here but his evil twin wants a cheese burger with everything on it and ketchup. He also needs Ice cream," she said needs like the world depended on me getting ice cream.

Tonya smiled openly at me and said, "Mathew, huh? Cute!" I have never been called cute when in "Evil Twin Mode" I am usually too evil to be cute, I was actually about to cuss her out when Thomas Jr. covered my mouth with his hand. "And what would the two Thomas men like?" she spoke with the same smile.

Dad ordered his food and Thomas Jr. just ordered his beer again and went to stand by the bar. Tonya took the orders and delivered them to the kitchen. Samantha took care of Samuel like a mother would and I sat just thinking about Tonya. I watched her wait on other tables and smiled to myself. Every now and then she looked at us and smiled. Samantha after she got her food noticed my reactions better than even I did, "She is too old for you, stop staring.

"Staring at her turns me into Mathew and not the evil twin," I said unable to look away.

"You know she looks at you like a little brother not like a night partner," Samantha said excusing Samuel's burp.

I had to look at her then, when did seven year olds learn so much?  I had to get some air, for some reason the room had gotten smaller. "Dad move," I said pushing on his arm. He got up and I ran outside like my life depended on it. The cold air hit my face and arms with vengeance. I took an icy breath that made my heart beat faster. "I don't care that I am different. I don't care that girls don't like me. I don't care," I fought back the tears, I wanted to go home but no one would care. "Maybe if I could learn to control this depressed version of myself I could make friends. Maybe people would want to be around me. I know it is dumb but I wish I could be normal," I talked to myself ignoring my surroundings, I even forgot the cold.

Well, I did until I heard a soft voice whisper, "That's so sad," I turned so quickly I hit the concrete in front of me, hard. My knees stung and my arms burned. Tonya ran to me, "I am so sorry to startle you sweetie!" She bent down and pulled me onto her lap like a mother would a son. I was angry at first but I could not help but feel safe in her arms. I wonder if on days like this the pills work in small ways to keep me from hurting myself. Her eyes burned into my soul, "I have a brother with Depression, he always had a hard time fitting in. He turned twenty recently and the doctors found a medicine combination that works for his body. He is engaged to a beautiful woman and has a great job. No one knows he used to be so depressed he would yell at someone for telling him he looked nice," she frowned and ran her fingers through my hair like a mother would. "The anger is the hardest thing to deal with, the self-harm is bad, don't get me wrong. It's just when you hurt the people who care about you just because you are so sad. I couldn't understand it," she patted my head and stood me up, "You will get better, just always remember someone cares for you."

I couldn't help but stare at her; she was so beautiful and smart, is this who Samantha will be in a few years?  Not stupid but happy? "You aren't what I expected," was all I could force from my quivering lips. She just smiled at me and I wished I could stare at that smile forever. My father and younger siblings exited the restaurant with to go boxes. "Are we leaving?" I asked him trying to cover my tears.

He looked at me and saw my clothes torn and my face puffy and red. He immediately dropped to his knees sitting the food half-hazard-ly on the ground, "What happened? Are you okay?"  He gripped my shoulders firmly but his voice was gentle and concerned. I nodded and the tears rushed back into my eyes, he just wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tightly.

He took me back to the doctors' office and demanded they get me on a better medication and patch up my scratches. May wore a smile the whole time, like I wasn't cruel to her. I felt like I should apologize but I couldn't, she hasn't found my medication combo. I know it is hard but I don't want to be depressed anymore. I thought about the future, being out of the dark hole I couldn't see the top of. Maybe I am on my way there but I still feel so angry.

Poem

Miracles

Real is knowing,

When magic happens daily.

Real is knowing

you can't have children

Then giving birth to twins.

Real is knowing

You will never love again

Then marring someone

You can't imagine life without.

Real is okay

When wonderful is

Around the corner.

Real can be sad

When the bright side

Is looking you in the eye.

Don't go living

In real life

When miracles happen

Every single day.