Chapter Nine: A Look In The Mirror

Kanako sat the on the floor of her bedroom, randomly flipping through pages of her notes and another textbook open in front of her. Leaning back up against her bed, Kanako stared at the ceiling. "Well that didn't work..." she muttered. She had hoped that by getting Haruna alone and into a position that she couldn't just run away from, Kanako could find out what had caused Haruna to do what she had on the night of the festival. The plan however had clearly backfired. The actual conversation Kanako had wanted to have had lasted not even a minute, and Haruna had walked out the door. "I didn't even try to stop her..." she thought.

Kanako had felt like she wanted answers so desperately that she'd be willing to go even as far as trying to corner Haruna. And yet, when she had had the chance, Kanako had let her go. Maybe she hadn't wanted to know as much as she thought. Kanako had to admit, there was something about the whole situation that made her feel like she might be better off never knowing.

"...But it bothers me..." Kanako thought. She had this feeling that somehow, something important had happened that night. Whatever it was, she had no idea, but it had definitely been big enough to cause Haruna to do something that Kanako hadn't expected. Feeling thoroughly confused, all Kanako could do was sigh.

As she sat on the floor, she thought back to her final exchange with Haruna. "It was different..." Kanako thought. "Whenever she yelled at me or insulted me, she used to just let it sink in, but now she apologizes to me a lot more than she did before, which was never." Thinking on that made Kanako wonder about several things. "She's... changed..."

That was the first point that came to mind for Kanako. "It's true that we've only been around each other more for the last three months or so, but still... Why did it take us fighting again for me to see that?" It was true that Haruna was still mean and tended to yell a lot, but to Kanako, from several years ago to now, it had all sort of blended together. The level of Haruna's rudeness had been a constant more than a fluctuation, so even when she was starting to be nicer, Kanako wasn't really able to notice. "Is that why we keep fighting?"

That was the question Kanako had. Sure, she ultimately wanted to be the one to win Akio's heart, but she also didn't want that to come at the cost of her friendship with Haruna. "There's not even going to be much of a friendship to hang on to though at this rate..." Kanako thought. A pattern had begun to emerge to the girl. As soon as things started to go well, they'd immediately sour. While Kanako knew she wasn't always the most observant, even she could see that much, and it was starting to annoy her. "Why is it so impossible for us to go more than a couple of days without an argument?" she wondered. "Is it really because I hadn't noticed Haruna changing until now?"

Of course, that wasn't entirely true. It was perfectly obvious that Haruna had changed. After all, only a few months ago she had been vehemently against doing anything that had to do with Kanako. Now, she was willingly offering her hand for Kanako to hold, even if it was only for the sake of her love interest. But, somewhere along the way, it had begun to slip Kanako's mind that Haruna was making an effort. She had been taking it for granted, thinking that everything must just be going better than it had in the past and that somehow it would all work out. However, while she still sat on the floor and continued to stare up at the ceiling, Kanako was beginning to realize a hard truth.

"I... haven't been doing anything at all, have I?"

Looking back, it had certainly felt like to Kanako that she had been making strides forward. She had made up with Haruna on several occasions and had even managed to invite her to the festival. It had seemed like, while there had been bumps in the road, she was still making progress in repairing her relationship with Haruna and that, one day (possibly even in the near future), they could have the kind of friendship that they had had before.

But now, Kanako knew that she was wrong. She hadn't been walking forward. Instead, she had been walking in place, letting Haruna, Chiyo and Akio do all of the heavy lifting for her rather than her actually putting in the effort herself. Kanako's head dropped and she pulled her knees up to her chest. "What have I been doing all this time then?" she wondered. "No wonder Haruna keeps getting mad at me. All I keep doing is the same things over and over again..."

However, while Kanako came to that conclusion, trying to figure out to remedy that situation felt much harder. "I don't know what else I can do," she thought. "It doesn't feel like I'm doing anything wrong, but if Haruna and I keep fighting, and it's my fault, I should change something shouldn't I? But what? I have no idea!"

Kanako paused. "...How do you fix something when you can't even see the problem?" Looking up from her knees, the girl caught sight of a certain item laying on her desk. Standing up, she walked over to pick it up. It was the phone strap that she and Haruna had bought together before their fallout, but unlike Haruna's, Kanako's was complete, the only damage being that the word on it, "FRIEND," had started to fade along with the rest of the object's color.

Staring at the phone strap in her hand, Kanako began to tear up. "I just... want her as my close friend again. So why? Why does this have to be so hard?" Her voice barely came out above a whisper as she clutched the item in her hand. Kanako felt torn. She had thought that somehow, she could be the one that Akio chose to go out with and get back her friendship she once had with Haruna. But now, it was beginning to feel like she had to choose. If she focused on Akio, she'd never get anywhere with Haruna, but if Kanako focused on Haruna, she was guaranteed to lose in the deal, which would mean she might never get the chance to date Akio.

"If I had just taken more initiative back then and forced Haruna to talk to me, would I be in this mess?" Kanako wondered. It was possible that she would be. After all, both girls were in love with the same guy. Thinking about it that way, Kanako could only come to the logical conclusion that, at some point, she would've had to choose between Akio and Haruna. "I wonder if Haruna would do the same?" she thought. "If she had gotten to Akio first, and we had still been friends, would it have stayed that way?"

Finally, Kanako asked herself one last series of questions. "If I don't change... will I lose it all? Would Akio pick Haruna in the end? Would Haruna give up on rebuilding our friendship? Will I... end up alone?"

The thought scared Kanako. The idea of being all by herself once everything was said and done was definitely a sad prospect, but what really scared her was the idea of change. Throughout Kanako's life, it had felt like her feelings for Akio had always been there. If she changed, would that still be the case? "What if I take a step in the wrong direction and I lose those feelings?" Kanako wondered. Then, there had been her childhood friendship with Haruna. Kanako had been under the impression that they'd be friends for forever, but that turned out to not be the case. Having that relationship suddenly torn from her had made things difficult on Kanako, but she had managed to get through it due having to constantly deal with Haruna's insults and having Michi there to support Kanako when she needed it. "But what if I try to get closer to Haruna and she just pushes me away?"

No matter what sort of change Kanako thought about making, the only responses she got were in the form of questions. She felt frozen in place, completely unsure of any action she might take. Setting down the phone strap, Kanako stared at the ground.

"Someone, please..." she muttered. "Just tell me what to do..."

*****

The next day, Kanako and Haruna went to school separately. And the day after that. And the day after that. For the rest of the week, the two hardly interacted with each other. For Haruna, it was a case of not knowing what to do or how to act around the girl she was in love with. But for Kanako, it was simply due to her own personal revelation that she decided to avoid Haruna.

When the first day of finals came around, Kanako trudged to school in a daze, only managing to do simple tasks like getting dressed and changing her shoes at school because it was simply out of habit. "Good morning Kana-chan," Michi said as she walked up to her. "Morning," Kanako said in monotone. The two girls then walked to their class together, but neither said a word. When they both sat down, Michi stared at Kanako.

"Hey, are you okay? You've been acting weird lately," Michi said. "Yeah, I'm fine," Kanako answered absentmindedly. "Well, if you say so..." Michi said quietly. "So do you do want to do some last-minute review?" "Sure." Unimpressed by Kanako's response, Michi decided to try something. "You know, I heard the school is going to start requiring people get straight A's on their finals." "Oh yeah?" Kanako said, not paying attention. "Yeah, and I heard our uniforms were going to change to tank tops and mini-skirts," Michi lied. "Huh," was all Kanako offered. "Maybe I'll go in the same direction and dye my skin purple," Michi joked. "Sure," Kanako muttered.

"...Seriously Kana-chan?" Michi said, becoming annoyed. "Huh? What?" Kanako said, finally giving her attention. "Geez... I swear-" Before Michi could finish her sentence, the teacher walked in and began to go through the procedure for the first of their finals.

That day, and those following, felt like they were on a brutal loop to Kanako. During her free time, she kept finding herself lost in thought. It happened so much that by the time a test landed in front of her, she had forgotten all of the information she needed to know. Each of her answer sheets were filled to the brim with guesses and written out answers that could only best be described as half-thought out. By the time the end of the third day came, Kanako felt exhausted. "At this rate, I'm going to get held back a year," she thought.

However, for as distracted as she was, Kanako could at least manage to pinpoint the source of her worries. "It almost feels like, if I don't find some way to change, I'll get left behind or something," was a thought that had crossed her mind one night while trying to sleep. "But is that what I'm really afraid of? That doesn't seem right..." The idea of being left behind simply due to change felt somewhat ridiculous to Kanako. There was of course the saying that if you don't change with the times, you'll get stuck in the past, or something like that, but Kanako believed something else. She believed that no matter what, she'd always have things and people around that gave her comfort and joy and fulfillment. It didn't matter if the world passed her by, just as long as she had what she wanted.

But now, that belief had been challenged to its core. What had once seemed like a simple life had now become worrisome. Even when faced with her past with Haruna and her feelings for Akio, Kanako had truly believed that as long as those were constant, other changes didn't matter. She had never even considered that the people she was directly involved with would change. Seeing that before her very eyes is what had caused such a stirring to take place deep within her. It had become so clear that, no matter how much she had wanted things to stay the same or go back to how they were, they wouldn't.

Although, Kanako had never been one to fully believe in the idea of everything staying the same. It was obvious that that was impossible. There was the blatant example of the changes the world had gone through, even in her own lifetime, but there were also the more personal ones. What Kanako liked or disliked, the friends she had had and lost and even her own looks had all definitely gone through the process of change. Some people might even call it a personal evolution of sorts. So knowing all of that, why was it that Kanako had believed somehow, one specific aspect of her life wouldn't change?

"Am I really so naïve?" Kanako wondered. "...Maybe I'm just overthinking things." The girl knew she had to put a stop to that train of thought. Otherwise, she'd end up going down a philosophical rabbit hole and rambling on about the effects change has on society and the individual or something. Instead, Kanako decided to shift back to the original issue that brought all of this on.

There was a particular aspect of the last interaction Kanako had had with Haruna that had stuck out to her: Haruna's facial expression. When she spoke, she had looked... genuinely in pain. It was a look that had played a role in prompting Kanako's internal struggle with change, but thinking back on it, that look certainly held its own feelings as well. "What was she trying to say?" Kanako wondered. "I know she said sorry to me, but it felt like there was something more to it..."

There it was again. That continuous feeling that something else was going on with Haruna. "I just don't get it..." Kanako sighed. She wanted to talk to her, but ever since her failed study session/ attempted interrogation, the two girls had hardly interacted. There had been no walking to school together or walking home, there had been no eating lunch together, nor had there been any hand-holding. It was beginning to feel like the distance between them was growing by the day, and with summer break sitting on the doorstep, Kanako was starting to get very concerned for the future of her relationship with Haruna.

The worry was two-fold, with one being Kanako's concern for maintaining their rekindled friendship, and the other being that if they were obviously spending time apart, it wouldn't look good to Akio. "We have to look like the worst couple ever right now..." Kanako thought. But, even thinking that didn't have much impact. The fact remained that there seemed to be some sort of weird tension and awkwardness between the two girls, and until it was dispelled (or at least lessened), they wouldn't be able to get back to not just their deal with Akio, but their effort at being friends again either.

Once again, Kanako was at a loss.

"I don't know what to think anymore," she thought. In a way, Kanako was amazed. It had been such a little fight, at least in comparison to the others she had had with Haruna, and yet, somehow, it had resonated with her the most. Perhaps it was the simplicity of the fight itself that had made it stand out? Not having to overcome a bunch of yelling and screaming had allowed Kanako to look at just the little words and actions. And even with their size, those were the things that had carried the most weight.

The thoughts that Kanako had in bed that night filled her head, leaving no room for sleep. When she awoke the next morning, she had bags under her eyes the size of quarters.

*****

"I'll take that rice! Oh, and the beef there too! Oh, and can you make it a double?!" Itsuki said excitedly as she ordered in the cafeteria line. "I hope you aren't overdoing it," Mayu said, showing a little concern for her friend. "Huh? No way! This is the time to celebrate! Finals are over and track practice gets a break! I'm going to enjoy every minute of this!" Itsuki proclaimed as she received her order. "I'm gonna go sit over there. Let Kana-chan and Mi-chan know!" "Okay, I will."

The week of finals at Iwanai Municipal High School had come finally come to an end, and for Kanako, it was more like a mercy than anything else. She knew that out of all the finals she had ever taken, the grades she'd get on the ones she just did would be by far the worst ever. She tried not to think about it as she waited to place her order.

Standing in line and waiting for lunch wasn't always something Kanako did. In fact, she tried to avoid it most of the time. Even if her other friends wanted to eat in the cafeteria, she'd just bring her own food. However, Kanako had been so tired that she had forgotten to bring anything, and honestly, even standing in line felt preferable to staring at another answer sheet.

When she got up to the front, Kanako order a basic curry and rice. Once she had her food, Kanako turned around and began looking for the spot Mayu had said she and Itsuki would be at. "Oh, there they are," Kanako said to herself as she began to head toward them. Michi was still in line, giving a funny look to Kanako because she was going to be the last to get something to eat.

"Hey Kana-chan, get this!" Itsuki started speaking before Kanako could even sit down. "I don't have practice for a whole two weeks! Can you believe it?!" "D-Didn't you tell us that yesterday?" Kanako said with a nervous laugh. "Oh, I did? I guess I'm just so excited about it that I forgot!" Itsuki said loudly. "You know, for claiming that you love track, you sure complain about it a lot," Michi said as she joined the other girls. "I do love track, but man, those summer practices are BRUTAL. I mean, it's just nothin' but blazing sun and sweat. I'll take anything I can that'll delay doing those!" Itsuki whined.

"So how did everyone do on their tests?" Mayu asked, changing the subject. "I think mine went fine. Probably should've studied chemistry a little more though," Michi said. "As long as I passed, that's all that matters!" Itsuki said proudly. "I-I think it might be best if you aimed a little higher Itsuki-chan," Mayu said. "What about you Kana-chan?" "Ugh..." Kanako moaned. "Whoa, Kana-chan, you're lookin' a little rough. Was it really that bad for you?" Itsuki asked. "I couldn't focus at all," Kanako sighed. "It was like every time I got handed a test, my mind just went blank. I bet I'll have to take some sort of supplementary lessons..."

"Aw man... I was hoping everyone would be free..." Itsuki said. "Why? What's up?" Michi asked. "Well, I was thinkin' that we could all get together and do a bunch of stuff. Y'know, make some really good summer memories and all that!" Itsuki said. "Well, I won't be around for long. My family is going on a cruise through the Caribbean," Michi said casually. "I'm afraid I won't be free much either. I have many family events to attend to," Mayu said with a slight apologetic bow. "Geez you guys! Why do ya have to be so rich and stuff?!" Itsuki complained. "I'm not rich. My parents are just good with money," Michi corrected her. "And my family is pretty traditional, so this has always been normal for me," Mayu said. "I know all that, but still..." Itsuki sighed. "What about you Kana-chan? Anything besides those lessons?" "W-Well, I don't know if I'll actually have to take lessons, but... I don't think I have any plans," Kanako said.

However, voicing that raised a concern within Kanako. "Should I try to make plans with Haruna?" she wondered. "I mean, if we're supposed to be fake dating, we should be together during at least part of the summer, right?" Although, the problem with that plan was that Kanako had yet to say anything of substance to Haruna ever since she walked out of Kanako's room. Trying to plan anything with her seemed like it'd be a fruitless endeavor. Kanako sighed to herself. "What am I going to do...?"

"...na-chan..."

"Kana-chan?"

"Huh?" Kanako snapped back to her current surroundings at the sound of Itsuki's voice. "That sure took a while for you to respond." "Yeah, she's been like that all week," Michi grumbled. "Is something bothering you Kana-chan?" Mayu asked. "H-Have I really seemed that bad?" Kanako asked, feeling on edge. "You bet you have. It's been like trying to talk to a wall with you lately," Michi said. "I-I'm sorry..." Kanako said quietly. "I guess... I've just had a lot on my mind."

The three girls stared at Kanako. They all wanted to ask what she had been thinking about, but Kanako's face gave them all the feeling that she wouldn't answer them. So instead, Itsuki came up with a different approach. "I know! I have the perfect idea for us to do! Let's have a sleepover!" she announced. "Idiot. We just told you that none of us can really do anything," Michi said flatly. "Yeah, but it's not like you'll be busy the whooole summer, right? Besides, I bet you're free in the beginning!" Itsuki countered. "Well... that's true..." Michi muttered. "You do have a point," Mayu said. "Then, as long as Kana-chan doesn't have any extra lessons, we could totally do a sleepover!" Itsuki said happily. "Let's hope that Kana-chan didn't screw up too bad," Michi joked. "T-That's mean, Mi-chan..." Kanako said with a pout.

However, as luck would have it (or maybe calling it a miracle would be more accurate), it turned out that Kanako had managed to pass all of her finals. With the last obstacle removed and summer break officially starting, it was time to have some fun. But even with good times on the horizon, Kanako got the feeling that this particular summer would be one she'd never forget, whether it was for good reasons...

...or for bad.

End of Chapter Nine.