Chapter Four: What Grows Within The Heart?
Over the course of the next week, Michi began to notice something strange. At first, she had merely figured the people around her were busy. After all, with it being the beginning of the new term, there can be a lot of things to take care of and a lot of meetings to attend. However, as the days passed by, something became clear to Michi. Whether it was thanks to her own paranoia or it really was that obvious, the truth had revealed itself to her.
Michi's friends were avoiding her.
Due to the locations of their residences, Kanako would usually go the opposite direction of the other three, leaving Mayu, Itsuki and Michi to walk home together for a ways. After a while, Mayu and Itsuki would split off as well, with Michi headed her own way to her apartment. Through a combination of her parents' money and busy lifestyles, Michi had been allowed (or perhaps it would be more accurate to say forced) to live on her own as she attended high school. The place where she lived was nothing fancy. Nicer than your average high schooler's apartment, but certainly not nice enough to be classified as luxurious.
Being placed on the third floor, her apartment consisted of the following: a kitchen, a bathroom, a living room and one bedroom. There was only enough furniture in the place as was necessary, and it was usually kept quite clean, despite the lack of visitors. It wasn't like Michi didn't want people over. Rather, her place was more out of the way, so it wasn't thought of as a spot to hang out.
Because of this, Michi had often gone to other people's houses. She didn't mind, especially when she had the convenience of a personal driver if she so desired (although she tried not to use the service much). Besides, getting to go places was certainly better than being stuck at your own home. And yet, for as much as Michi would tell herself that, there was an undeniable loneliness that was welling up inside her.
To say when it had started would be difficult, but the girl herself had first noticed not long after arriving at her own apartment. In the beginning, it had been exciting. A new place full of new advantages and opportunities. Michi had looked forward to having somewhere to live that she could really call her own. Unfortunately, it didn't take long for reality to set in. It became obvious that it really would be Michi and Michi alone, as her friends went everywhere but her own place.
She knew it was a petty and lame reason, and to drive it off she continued to tell herself that traveling was surely better than going nowhere at all. Though she tried in vain to convince herself, it was impossible to stop the pricks and pangs she felt from building up, one after the other, as she subconsciously felt ignored.
To try to distract herself even further from these feelings, Michi put more of her focus on her friends and how she spent her time with them. Gradually, as time passed, it seemed to be working. Michi forgot about her loneliness and learned to simply enjoy the presence of company. For someone who was so steadfast and stubborn, this development on its own could be classified as major progress.
Being able to forget about her own difficulties had led Michi to believe that life was fine. Everything was fine. Nothing would change, for if it did, the boat would rock and rock hard. Such change would force Michi to confront the very things she was trying to bury. By investing herself in her friendships and keeping everything around her at a consistent level, life would continue to flow as Michi intended.
But, change came in like a storm. From the least unexpected of places and people, Haruna Endo appeared and changed everything around Michi. With Haruna had come Chiyo, the obnoxious and foul gal that refused to leave Michi alone. Next had been Haruna bit by bit infringing upon the time that Michi had claimed as her own to be with Kanako. While all of her friends matter to her, Kanako was the one she was closest with. They had been through a lot together, and it was no small exaggeration to say that Michi had gotten Kanako through the hard parts of learning to deal with Haruna's constant stream of hatred. Feeling as close as she did to Kanako, Michi believed her to be the core of her unchanging world. With certainty she believed that out of all the people she knew, Kanako was the least likely to ever change a thing. She was simple. Kind. Easy. Normal. A girl like that rarely ever did something to change her surroundings by anything more than a fraction.
Never in her wildest imaginations had Michi expected Haruna Endo to be the one to tear that belief apart. Before she even knew it, Kanako began to change from the predictable, simple girl she knew to one that was more open-minded and oblivious. Michi could only watch as Haruna seemed to work her way further and further into the girl's heart. As she did, it caused an anger to boil in Michi. How could someone disrupt what she had made for herself? How could someone take away what's hers? Especially someone like Haruna.
Her anger continued to grow, and as it started to pour over the edges, it seeped into Michi's outward actions. Her time spent with Kanako became more and more fraught with her own frustrations, spilling out into her words and attaching themselves to Kanako, who of course didn't understand why Michi was upset at all. How could she? From her perspective, Michi was just mad, nothing more. There was no rhyme or reason to it and no way to figure out from the outside what was really going on.
Perhaps, to an extent, Kanako had the right idea anyway. Somewhere, deep within Michi, she knew her way of thinking was flawed. There was no way anything she had built up to that point would last the way it was. And yet, she was able to drown out such a small voice by slamming her own twisted logic upon it again and again until the small voice relented, reluctantly allowing its owner to do as she pleased and watch as she slowly destroyed her own belief.
There was at least a part of Michi that realized what she was doing. Her actions were having the unintended effect. Rather than getting Kanako to see things her way, she was only pushing the girl further from her. Becoming aware of that had only served to push Michi further, eventually leading to the conflict that she had had with Haruna during the camping trip. Believing Haruna to be a mortal enemy was certainly a driving force, but ultimately it was Michi's own desires that fueled her into such a state that she had entered.
Then, to add more onto the difficulties she was already facing of her own design, Michi had begun to lash out at Mayu and Itsuki as well. So far, it had only been once, but once was usually enough to at least change the impression one person has of another. Itsuki had become a little wary, and with her reaction had followed Mayu. She had seen Michi's rash behavior for herself and come to a similar conclusion: Michi wasn't quite the girl and good friend they had thought her to be.
In an effort to give themselves space and time to decide if Michi was really someone they wanted to call their friend, both Mayu and Itsuki had decided together that it would be best to not hang around Michi for a while. It wasn't an experience that they had planned to have for long, but soon enough, Itsuki had track club practice to worry about, and Mayu got busy at home. Truly, the reasons they gave Michi for not being able to spend time with her when she asked were not just excuses. They had legitimacy to them, but in the beginning, that had not been the case. The two girls had rushed home, leaving Michi confused as she slowly put the pieces together.
Mayu and Itsuki's avoidance had gone on longer than they meant it to, and because of that, Michi now felt that along with losing Kanako, she was losing the entirety of her friend group. As each one of them fell away, Michi's loneliness that she thought she had buried was starting to rear its head at her, wishing to remind the girl that it assuredly still existed.
Knowing all of this, it was clear that Michi needed to take a different approach if she wanted to keep what she had. If she didn't want to feel this loneliness, if she didn't want to feel hurt, if she didn't want to be stuck in that apartment all alone, then surely it was time to look at everything from a different perspective.
But if Michi Fukuhara was anything, it was stubborn.
Desperately, like a child clinging to its mother, Michi held on to one simple, but naïve belief: Nothing needed to change, and nothing should. All she needed to do was get back what she was losing. She wanted to do the impossible, to turn back the hands of time and go back to how things were. To go back to the times of Kanako, Michi, Mayu and Itsuki gathered at the lunch table, talking about trivial matters. Teasing Kanako about her crush on Akio, but secretly hoping it would never come to fruition. Frittering her time away with her friends like nothing else mattered.
So strongly grasping onto this belief, Michi continued to tell herself that all she needed was for everything to go back to the way it was. Kanako didn't need to change. She didn't need Akio around, and she definitely didn't need Haruna, who had to be a bad influence on Kanako. Of course, believing Kanako to be the core of her fantasies, and seeing Haruna mess with that, Michi had become more and more certain that if she was able to free Kanako from Haruna, that would fix everything.
However, for as much as Michi wished to put 100 percent of her faith into this notion, it was impossible to deny that there were two sides of her in constant conflict. A part of her simply wished that Kanako would just choose her over Haruna. To cast aside the girl so full of vitriol and hate and come back to the girl that had nursed her mind and soul back to a more comfortable stability. Maybe, more than wanting to go against Haruna or to fight with the girl herself, that was all that Michi really wanted. "Just choose me," a voice seemed to beg in her head.
Anger. Sadness. Pain. Confusion. Desperation. Desire. These all flowed through Michi's mind as they battled for supremacy. Which one would win out? Probably none of them. Or maybe it would be all of them, finding a balance that could be called nothing but unbelievable.
"...What the hell is going on with me?" Michi sighed as she laid on her bed. The curtains were closed, shutting out the last of the remaining daylight as the girl remained still, her arm laying on her forehead and sliding down to cover her eyes. It had been merely nine days since the school year began and Michi had spent at least half of that time thinking about all of this. For a moment, she wondered if things were really as bad as she made them out to be, but she cleared her head of the idea. There was no way she was wrong. "They're avoiding me..." Michi muttered to the darkness. "Kanako's slipping away from me..."
Michi sucked in a long breath before letting it out just as slowly. The sigh trembled and shook, like one would hear from someone who had been crying. The girl's eyes were not any wetter than they should be, but the worry she felt had made its way into her exhale regardless. Removing her arm from her eyes to reveal nothing but a very dim room, Michi sat up. "Maybe I should get some air," she thought, getting up to put on her shoes. Once they were on, Michi slid on a soft red jacket to protect from the cool air that was beginning to become commonplace again.
Despite her efforts, the outdoors did little to diminish Michi's thinking woes. "Damn it," she cursed under her breath. No matter how much she tried, there seemed to be no way past her current worries. "Why are they avoiding me?" she wondered. For the group of four girls, it was common for them to come up with things to do after school if they didn't have club. With it being the beginning of the new term, that left precious little free time. Michi had hoped to spend at least some of it with her friends, but each time Mayu and Itsuki had shot her down.
Feeling like Kanako wasn't an option at the moment, Michi had decided to just try the other two again later. However, knowing that the girl she claimed to be her best friend could be hanging around Haruna was something that grinded away in Michi's mind. It may have only been around a week since the term started, but each of those days that Kanako had spent around Haruna had been like stabbing needles in Michi's head and heart.
Unfortunately, she had yet to come up with any real plan to keep Haruna away from Kanako. After all, the idea of keeping someone separated from someone else was something that was difficult to implement in reality. Movies and manga made it look so easy. Simply swoop in between the heroine and enemy and all would be well. Of course, that only even had a chance of working in the first place if you were on good terms with the person you were trying to save. Michi was not. Still at odds with Kanako, there was no way to have such an opportune moment.
"First Kanako, now Mayu and Itsuki," Michi thought, annoyed at seemingly being ignored. "What is going on with everyone anymore? Are they really just going to throw away everything we've done until now? Why can't they see that things should stay the way they were? Weren't we all happy?"
It was something Michi couldn't understand. Even if that happiness was only surface-level, that was better than feeling down and confused wasn't it? "Maybe I only feel that way..." Michi thought. For a moment, she tried to objectively consider her position. Currently, Michi was fighting with Kanako. To how much of a degree you could call it a fight probably varied by the day, but it was still a fight nonetheless. Next there were Mayu and Itsuki, blatantly avoiding Michi. If they were trying to be subtle about it, they were definitely failing.
Putting feelings aside, it was clear that Michi's best course of action would be to try to repair the relationships that were becoming more and more broken. She knew that, and yet... "I can't," she thought. Raging back was Michi's own stubbornness, determined to carry her onward on her own path of destruction. "I know they're wrong, not me," she told herself. "They should be apologizing. I haven't done anything wrong."
Once again, the small voice of reason in Michi's head tried to have its logic heard, but it was snuffed out by the wave of constant unwillingness to face herself honestly. So while Michi's inner turmoil continued to tear at itself, the girl kept walking. She had no particular destination in mind, but she eventually reached a point where her surroundings weren't entirely familiar to her. Realizing which direction she had gone, Michi saw that she was nearing the edge of Iwanai.
The area around her was becoming sparse, with only buildings here and there to signify that anybody was around. In terms of geography, Iwanai Municipal High School was already close to the edge of Iwanai's borders. Michi, living near the school, by extension was also near that edge, so it was within the realm of possibility for her to just walk out of the Iwanai area if she wanted.
Turning around, Michi saw how far she had walked and let out an exasperated sigh. "Great. Now I have to go all the way back," she complained. However, just before she got started, a honk burst through the quiet. Hearing it made Michi jump as she look to and fro for the source of the noise. Locating it didn't take long. There was only one road next to her at the moment, and on it was an average-looking car. But, for as surprising as having a vehicle honk at someone was, Michi was more surprised by who was behind the wheel.
"Hey," the girl called out the window, now rolled down. "Fukuhara, right? What'cha doin' out here?" Michi stared back at the girl speaking. Her short, navy blue hair waved in the catch of a slight breeze, shifting her bangs to the side. The look of her face seemed stern, but upon closer inspection it was really just a mix of cool and relaxed. From the shoulders at least, Michi could see the girl wearing a black jacket and a faded-grey shirt underneath. "Ugh," Michi moaned in response to the girl known as Chiyo's older sister, Chitose Wakabayashi.
"I'm askin' a question and you give me an ugh? Kids these days," Chitose sighed as she ran a hand through her hair. "The better question is why are you here? I thought Wakabayashi said you went to college in Sapporo," Michi spat back. Chitose looked surprised for a moment at hearing only her last name when Michi referred to Chiyo. "I'll give ya an answer if you get in here with me," she said slyly. "Huh? Why would I get in a car with you? I don't even know where you're going," Michi said, annoyed. "Neither do I!" Chitose said back with a laugh. Michi rolled her eyes. "Whatever, I'm leaving."
As Michi went to walk away, she heard Chitose call out to her again. "Ey, Fukuhara. Get in the car, would'ja?" The way she said it was forceful, and it was enough to evoke a reaction out of Michi. Loathe as she was to admit it, there was something about Chitose that made her fearful. Michi wanted to protest, but her lips were only able to form a short "O-Okay..." before her legs carried her over to the vehicle.
Once inside and seatbelt fastened, Chitose smiled. "There's a good girl," she said with good intent, but Michi received it as mockery. "So what do you want?" Michi mumbled. "Straight to the point huh? You must be a hit with the boys," Chitose joked. Michi scowled. "I'm getting out if you're just going to keep messing around," Michi said angrily. "Relax, relax," Chitose said with a wave of her hand. "I really do wanna talk to ya. Seriously."
On that note, the mood in the car shifted. Chitose's face was still chill, but there was now a look of concern in her eyes. "So, how's Chi in school these days?" "Huh? How would I know?" Michi asked. "You're friends aren't ya?" Chitose asked. "Yeah right," Michi scoffed. "I see..." Chitose said. It looked like she wanted to say more on the subject, but she went with another question instead. "Hey, lemme ask you something," Chitose began. "What d'ya got against Chi?"
The question blindsided Michi. For a moment she was stunned. No one had ever asked her so directly why she had such an issue with Chiyo. Considering Chitose was being so forward, Michi was only able to follow suit in her reply. "Are you kidding?" she said. "She's loud, gaudy, and outright ridiculous. Not only is she an embarrassment to our school, but just hanging around her makes me feel like I'm being dragged down into some sort of pit of judgement with her. She's always in the way. She always sticks her nose where it doesn't belong. I wish she'd just leave me alone, but she never listens!"
When Michi stopped huffing, it was silent. "Pfft!" Chitose let out. "That's hilarious! Oh boy, I'd love to see the look on Chi's face if ya told her all that! It'd be a riot!" "What's so funny?!" Michi shouted back. "Nothin', nothin'," Chitose said, wiping a tear from her eye. "It's just nice to hear your honesty. I think I get it a little bit now why Chi's taken a likin' to ya."
Michi glared at the older Wakabayashi. "It's not like it'd really matter if I told her all of that anyways. She'd just brush it off like she does everything else." At her comment, Chitose suddenly got seriously. "Chi's not as strong as ya think she is," she said somberly. "What's that supposed to mean?" Michi asked aggressively. To her, Chiyo was nothing more than a stereotypical gyaru. "I doubt she has any real feelings that go beyond joy and lust," she thought bitterly.
Chitose was quiet for a moment as she searched for an answer. "Let's just say... Chi's gotten pretty good at smiling." It was a cryptic answer, and one that further proved to Michi that this was indeed Chiyo's older sister. Deciding not to press the issue any more, Michi thought of something else to ask. "You said you have to come back a few times a week right? That's seems like a crappy deal for you. It's not like Sapporo's close by." Chitose laughed. "Yeah, it does kinda suck, but it's worth it. I get to see my cute lil' sis after all! And besides, I gotta make sure the house ain't burnt down. Never know what the next stranger Chi brings home'll do."
Michi's eyes widened a bit in surprise. She could've sworn she remembered Chiyo insisting on their way to the camp site that her sister didn't know about her sex life. "You know about that?" Michi asked tentatively. "Of course I do. You think she'd get somethin' like that by me? Even if she could get the man by, it's kinda hard to not notice the left behind occasional cigarette or beer can," Chitose said light-heartedly, but then became serious again. "Anyways, it's not like I found out as much as it was knowledge forced onto me."
Waiting for Chitose to continue, Michi sat in silence. She wasn't sure why she wanted to hear more. She tried to tell herself she didn't care, but there was no way for Michi to shake the feeling that she was approaching details about Chiyo that she had to know.
Chitose looked at Michi, then back at the road. "I've actually lived here for awhile now," she said. "Moved here during my junior high days." "Junior high?" Michi repeated. "Yep. There was this science program I really wanted to do and there were only two options. The one here in Hokkaido was cheaper, so this is where I came, all the way from big city Tokyo." "But why in junior high?" Michi asked, now invested in both Wakabayashi sisters' past. "It was a fast track into a major I really wanted to do for college. Guess you could say I was one of those kids that always knew what they wanted to do," Chitose answered simply. "I ended up gettin' pretty used to livin' up here, so I just joined the science program in Sapporo instead of Tokyo."
"But what does any of that have to do with Chiyo?" Michi asked. Chitose laughed a little as she noticed Michi's switch to her sister's first name. "Chi came to live with me at the beginning of junior high. I was pretty shocked at first. Never thought she'd leave Tokyo, but, well... certain circumstances pretty much forced her to get as far away from there as possible." Michi wanted to know more. "Certain circumstances?" she repeated. "Sorry, but if ya want the whole story, you should probably ask Chi about it," Chitose said, putting an ended to that part of the conversation.
Michi thought about what she wanted to ask next. "Were those circumstances part of why she sleeps around all the time?" she asked. Chitose let out a strained laugh. "Yeah, I guess you could say that," she said. "If you know about it, then why don't you stop her?" Michi asked accusingly. "What's with the interrogation? Thought ya said ya just wanted Chi to leave ya alone, so doesn't that mean ya don't really care about her?" Chitose said back. "Urk..." Michi let out. She knew Chitose was right. It didn't make sense for Michi to be asking the questions that she was.
Chitose only shrugged in response. "Besides, it's not like I haven't tried. Believe me, I've tried..." she trailed off, then picked back up. "I was kinda hopin' that you'd somehow stop her." "Me?!" Michi exclaimed. "Why the hell would I get involved with that idiot any more than I have to?!" "There ya go again..." Chitose sighed. "You really are a handful, ya know that?" Michi flinched again. "My mom tells me the same thing..." she muttered.
Arriving back at the school, Michi went to get out, but Chitose stopped her. "Thanks for talkin' with me. It was fun!" "Yeah, sure," Michi said, but she felt like that wasn't all the older Wakabayashi had to say. Waiting for more, Chitose went on. "Listen Fukuhara. If you're actually gonna be friends with Chi, I really appreciate it. I know she can be hard to handle, but once you get to know her, you'll find out that she's a really good girl at heart. She's got the biggest heart I've ever seen."
Chitose paused. "...But, if you really meant what you said, that you don't care about her and that you just wish Chi would leave ya alone, then please... just stay away from her. I don't need to see her get hurt any more than she already has been." Unsure of what else to say, Michi came up with one sentence. "...I'll... keep that in mind..."
Apparently satisfied with Michi's answer and their conversation, Chitose said her goodbyes before driving off. Looking behind her, Michi saw the fading white color of the school building slowly becoming less and less bright as night fell. She wanted to complain that Chitose could've just dropped her off at her apartment, but she realized that the girl had never asked, and Michi had never mentioned it. Resigned to her fate, Michi began to make the walk back to her residence for the second time that day.
Before riding with Chitose, Michi's mind had been a muddled mess, but now that she was back on her own, she found that only one question permeated inside her. In repeated over and over, begging to be answered. The whole way back, Michi wondered...
...what had happened to the girl named Chiyo Wakabayashi?
End of Chapter Four.