Chapter Four: I Don't Understand, But...

"Hey, hey Kana-chin! Morning!" A cheery Katsumi said. "G-Good morning, Kat-chan," Kanako said warily. This exchange, while not sounding unusual, put Kanako on edge for several reasons. The first was that Katsumi had confessed to her only yesterday. The second was that Kanako was being greeted right at the door to her classroom, and the third was that a very annoyed Haruna stood right behind her.

"Get out of the way," Haruna said briskly. "Oh, of course Endo-san," Katsumi said elegantly. "Please go ahead. Ah, but do be sure to leave this adorable girl with me. I'll take good care of her." "Not on your life," Haruna growled, then she grabbed Kanako by the hand and pulled her into the room. She took Kanako all the way to her seat, then picked her up and sat her down in her chair. "There," Haruna said, continuing to stand next to Kanako's desk.

After a brief moment of confusion, Kanako looked up at Haruna. "U-Um," she said. "W-Why are you just standing there?" "I'm guarding you," Haruna said promptly. "Who knows what that girlfriend thief will try if I leave you alone." "She's not really a thief though since she didn't take me," Kanako pointed out, but Haruna just gave a little "hmph" in response.

"Y'know Endo-san, it's almost time for class to start. Why don't you take your seat?" Katsumi said. "Funny, I could say the same thing to you," Haruna said, smiling, but a vein starting to bulge on her forehead. Looking up at the both of them, Kanako could swear she saw sparks flying. "This… might be bad…" she thought.

"It's so unfair you get to walk with Kana-chin all the time," Katsumi sighed. "How is it unfair?" Haruna asked. "I'm her girlfriend. Of course I'd walk with her." "But why does such a pretty flower have to be next to a brute like you?" Katsumi lamented. "Kat-chan," Kanako said suddenly as she gave off a scary aura. "You should really be nicer." "R-Right…" Katsumi said, backing away a bit. "But still, I should get to walk with you too! We go way back, don't we?" "I've known Kanako longer than you," Haruna flatly pointed out. "Ugh, whatever. That's not the point," Katsumi grumbled.

"My passionate love for Kana-chin is definitely superior to yours. In fact, the only reason I didn't go back with her yesterday was because the principal held me back." "Wow, getting in trouble already?" Haruna snickered. "What a model student." "More of a model than you," Katsumi shot back.

Luckily, the teacher came in at that moment and told everyone to be seated. However, that did little to dampen the stoked flames that had formed between Katsumi and Haruna. The two of them kept glaring at each other, and while they didn't know it, they were thinking the exact same thing.

"I really hate her."

*****

It was after school on Thursday that Michi found herself sitting alone on a bench. With it only being about mid to late April, the air was still cold, but Michi wanted to sit outside anyways. At the very least, it beat sitting in her empty apartment. That option may have kept her body warm, but in another way, it felt colder. So, she opted for a bench not far from school as she thought about what had happened earlier.

"She really did just announce to the whole class she's only into girls…" Michi thought, remembering back to Katsumi's introduction. Initially, Michi had been so shocked that she hadn't really tried too hard to process it. Then, for the rest of the day, she tried to strike up conversation with Chiyo, but kept failing miserably. For the most part, it was Michi's fault for not speaking up, but even on the few times she managed to do so, Chiyo got pulled away for something else, whether it was helping someone, getting yelled at for something, or doing something with Katsumi.

"Why did she keep going over to Ikehara-san?" Michi wondered. To her, it looked like Chiyo was annoyed every time she spoke to Katsumi. "If that's the case, then why did she keep doing it?" she thought, but of course, Michi could get no answer without asking the gal involved. Which brought her back to original dilemma.

Thanks to Katsumi's bold declaration, Michi's head had started to spin once again. Just as it had felt like things were starting to settled down for her, she was back to feeling like she understood less and less. She wanted to be against girls liking other girls, but that very belief was the root of what had caused her fight with Chiyo. On top of that, more and more exposure kept coming into her life. First it was Haruna and Kanako, and now it was Katsumi. Seeing such a thing more often meant that Michi had the opportunity to really look at what it meant. To be more precise, she had a question sitting right at the forefront of her mind.

What did it mean for one girl to fall in love with another?

How did that happen? What was the cause? What does it feel like… to fall in love? It was question after question, but there were no answers in sight. No matter how much Michi thought or no matter how much she searched on the internet, she knew that the answers she sought were ones she'd only find by experiencing them herself. "But how do I even do that…?"

Despite everything that had happened in her life, Michi could say with certainty she wasn't inherently cynical about love. Her parents didn't love her as much as they should, but it was because they loved each other so much. It still made Michi mad, but she understood why her relationship with her parents was the way it was. Then there were Haruna and Kanako. While Michi was still against their relationship, she at least understood that they were together because they loved each other. And, it wasn't as if the idea of love had to be strictly romantic either. Chiyo was a friend that Michi cared about a lot, and she wanted to have the gal around. That was its own kind of love.

But, while not being against love was a step in the right direction, actually being in love was another matter entirely. Through all of Michi's life, she had never once had a crush on someone. At least, she was pretty sure she hadn't. No boy had ever really caught her eye, and it wasn't as if they were lining up to ask her out. Really, Michi could think of no point when romance had ever really been a part of her life.

Well, almost none. She did recall the time that Kanako told her all about how she was in love with Akio. At the time, Michi hadn't quite understood why Kanako felt the way she did, but because they were friends, Michi had decided to support her.

"What does it mean… to love someone?" she wondered. Taking in a breath, she then let it out, the steam from her mouth carrying out into the air. "How do you even know when it's that kind of love? Is it really just a feeling?" More questions came, but still, no answers were found. It felt like all Michi could do was think.

Deciding it would probably be better to move on from such a frustrating topic, she circled back to the original cause of all of this. "Katsumi Ikehara," she thought. "Everything about her just screams problems." She was pretty, loud and seemed to be full of herself to some degree based on how she introduced herself. "It's like she's an evil Chiyo or something…" Michi thought. She then tried to picture Chiyo just being evil herself, but it was impossible. "She's just too good…"

That thought brought a pain to Michi's chest. It hurt because it was true. Chiyo really was too good, too nice, toward those she cared about. The face she had made upon being greeted by Michi earlier in the day had been one that caused nothing but guilt inside of Michi. "How can you look at me like that after what's happened between us?" Michi had thought, but without asking, she already knew the answer. It was because Chiyo was Chiyo, and what that meant exactly was something only Michi understood.

"I still… haven't apologized to her yet…" she thought. "Tomorrow. I need to do that tomorrow." But, even as she told herself that, something about that sounded wrong. It was as if that thought set off alarms in her head and heart, telling her that the longer she waited, the more she risked losing Chiyo. It may have been true that Chiyo was happy to hear Michi greet her, but Michi knew that wasn't enough.

How was she supposed to feel right now? Should she still be mad about things that had happened? Should she be upset about Katsumi and her announcement? Should she be focused on girls liking other girls, and that it might not be so bad to not be so against it if it meant that it would make Michi's life easier?

"I want to be against it… I want to say it's wrong, but…" Michi thought. "Did Kana-chan understand something I didn't back then? What about Ikehara-san now? I just don't know… What is it that I'm supposed to be feeling?"

Michi's mind had never felt more chaotic than it did right now. Her days of remaining stubborn were slowly slipping away, and without that wall of support, her feelings flooded her, rushing every way inside her and crossing at all points. "I'm so… confused…" she muttered. Was there anything she could do? How could she make things simpler? Asking that question brought her back to her original desire. "Chiyo… I need to go see Chiyo…"

With Chiyo, Michi had felt confused, but it didn't feel like it did right now. It didn't feel difficult, worrying, or lonely. When she was with Chiyo, the world she had always known felt like it was constantly being flipped upside-down, but it wasn't a jarring experience. It was… peaceful. It was as if the world could flip any which way and it wouldn't matter as long as Chiyo was there. "If I see her… if I can get us back to how we were… then maybe… everything will be better."

Before she knew it, Michi had stood up and started walking. Down one street, then another, she kept going and the closer she got, the more her pace picked up, until she finally broke out into a full run. She ran, and ran, and ran, desperate for her feet to get her to her destination as quickly as possible. In that moment, both in her heart and her mind, nothing else mattered but reaching this one spot.

Soon, a small, brown house came into sight. It was nothing special, but to Michi, the interior already contained many precious memories. She quickly dashed up the walkway and to the front door, and with no hesitation, knocked several times. "Alright, alright!" a voice called from inside. "Geez, I'm comin'. No need to beat down the… door…"

When the door opened, it was Chitose who stood in front of Michi. "Oh. It's you Mi-chan," she said, eyeing her with suspicion. "Whaddya want?" "I… haah… want… haah… to see...haah… Chiyo…" Michi managed to say through heavy breaths. "Chi's studyin'," Chitose said flatly. "Next time don't come over announced." But as she went to close the door, Michi grabbed it. "Wait!"

"Chitose, please… let me talk to her…" This was not a demand, or even a request. This was a soft, quiet, but still desperate plea from Michi. "I need… to talk to her…" Hearing that, Chitose stared down at Michi. "Why?" she asked. "Why do you want to talk to Chi?" Michi looked up, meeting the elder Wakabayashi's gaze.

"I… remember what you said, and I've thought about it a lot," Michi said. "Honestly, I think I've spent almost every moment since then thinking about it. Because of that, I… had a few realizations. One was that I know I can't stay how I have been. In order to keep the things that matter the most to me, I… I can't be so stubborn… I can't keep looking back…"

"I… have to change…"

"When I first met Chiyo, I couldn't stand her, but I always chalked that up to her personality or how she looked. But now, when I looked back on those days, I think I know why I really didn't like her. It was because I understood, on some level, that this girl would change me. That somehow, her presence in my life would change everything around me."

"For a long time, I rejected that, and even when we kept getting closer, there was a part of me that wanted to keep Chiyo at a distance. Even now, I don't know what that distance should be, but… I do know one thing. Before I even noticed, Chiyo became a part of my life I can't afford to lose. There are a lot of things I still don't understand, and there are things that I still need to work on, but… if nothing else, I know having Chiyo by my side will be what I need for all of it."

"So please, Chitose, let me talk to her, and… don't… don't take Chiyo away from me…"

Michi bowed as low as her waist would allow. While she couldn't see it, Chitose's face was one of surprise. "How can one person change so much in such a short time?" she wondered, but then she shook her head. "Nah, I guess it hasn't been a short time, has it? Chiyo's been with her for a while now. The only thing that's changed is her willingness to acknowledge her changes and faults."

Understanding that, Chitose sighed. "Hey, Mi-chan," she said. Hearing her name, Michi looked up. Immediately, she felt a hand land on her head. "I'm glad you're as smart as Chi says ya are," Chitose said with a smile as she patted Michi's head. "So does that mean…?" Michi asked, and Chitose nodded as she removed her hand. "Yeah. Go see her."

Quickly, Michi went inside and started to head toward Chiyo's room, but before she could, Chitose stopped her. "Mi-chan," she said. Looking back, she saw Chitose looking serious. "Don't hurt my lil' sis again." "...I won't," Michi said. Of that, she was certain.

"I don't want Chiyo to be hurt," she thought. "I don't want her to be sad. I don't want her to keep using that damn fake smile…" Thinking of all of this, Michi reached Chiyo's bedroom door. Raising her hand, she knocked. "Come in.~" a voice called from inside, so Michi did just that.

When she walked in, she saw the usually messy room of Chiyo. Clothes strewn about, random things piled on a desk that had nothing to do with school, a small table with a mirror and plenty of makeup, and pictures placed here and there. On the unkempt bed was the gal herself, and when she saw Michi, she sat up immediately. "Mi-chan…" she uttered. "W-What're you doing here?"

For a second, Michi just stared at Chiyo, who was wearing a baggy, pink t-shirt and grey sweatpants. It was far from stylish, but somehow, it looked good on her. "U-Um," Michi began, trying to refocus. "I… want to talk to you." "Talk to me? About what?" Chiyo asked. She tried to ask nonchalantly, but Michi could hear the nerves in her voice. "About… the night that we fought… and the time at my apartment…" Michi said.

"Wanna sit?" Chiyo offered, placing her hand on the spot next to her on the bed. "S-Sure," Michi said, taking the seat next to the gal. For a moment, the two of them remained in an awkward silence while on the edge of the bed.

"I'm sorry."

"I'm sorry."

When they spoke at the same time, they looked at each other. "What are you apologizing for?" Michi asked. "Me? What about you?" Chiyo asked. "I'm sayin' sorry for pushing too hard and, um, slapping you…" "We're even," Michi said. "Huh? How're we even?" Chiyo asked. "Because I… I was so horrible to you, Chiyo," Michi said, her voice starting to shake.

"Ever since we met, you've been nice to me. Sure, your teasing gets annoying, but I also know how much you care about people. Even someone like me, who always… always… never showed appreciation for your support… And then, I pushed you away. I screamed and yelled awful things at you. You may have hit me, but a physical wound fades. I won't say I'm not still upset about it, but I know it'll become a distant memory someday."

"However, words are a different story. They can echo in your mind over and over again for years, haunting you like a ghost. And that doesn't just apply to the person who hears them. It goes for the person who said them too."

"I just kept thinking to myself, what if that's the last thing I really get to say to her? What if we never have a real conversation again? What if you don't want to talk to me? What if… you hate me now? I couldn't stop asking those questions."

"So Chiyo, I accept your apology, but I want you to know that I think I hurt you even more than you hurt me. I really… hope you can forgive me…" Finally, Michi fell silent. Just barely, she glanced at Chiyo, but it was impossible to tell what she was thinking. "Will she?" Michi wondered. "Or am I too late?"

"Sure," Chiyo finally said. "I forgive ya, Mi-chan!" The gal smiled at her, and it seemed to Michi like it was a genuine one. "Thanks," she said. "So… we're still… friends, right?"

"...Yeah, friends," Chiyo said, still smiling, but that expression made Michi freeze. "Wait," she thought. "Huh? What's with that smile now? It's different than a second ago. It looks more like her fake one. She's not lying to me, right? Does she actually still want to be friends? And why does she look like that? Why does it feel like I hurt her? Why doesn't she just tell me what she feels right now? Maybe I really am too late… Am I… losing her after all?"

Panic ripped through Michi, but before she could say anything about it, Chiyo got up. "Hey, Mi-chan," she said, her tone sounding more serious than before. "Do you… still not approve of Haru-chi and Kana-chan's relationship?" "I…" Michi said. "...don't know… It's hard to say how I feel about it when I don't even like Endo-san." "You should really give Haru-chi a chance," Chiyo said. "She's nice, I promise." "If you say so," Michi said, not planning on changing her opinion of Haruna.

"Well what about Ikehara-san?" Chiyo asked, turning around to face Michi. "She was pretty bold today, tellin' everyone she only likes girls." "Yeah…" Michi said. "I… can't say I really like her either." "Sounds like ya don't really like anybody," Chiyo teased. "T-That's not true!" Michi sputtered. Then suddenly, Chiyo leaned in. "I know," she said with a smirk. "Ya like me, right?"

That question made Michi blush. "I-I don't when you keep messing with me!" she exclaimed, pushing Chiyo back a bit. "Ahahaha!" the gal laughed. "There. That's the Mi-chan I know." "S-Shut up," Michi muttered, looking away in a huff.

Then, Chiyo got a little more serious. "Hey, Mi-chan," she said. "What if I didn't forgive ya after all?" "Huh?" Michi let out. "What, are you saying you won't now?" "Hmm. Maybe. How about if you meet a condition of mine?" Chiyo said playfully. "You already said you forgave me, so it's not like you can take it back," Michi pointed out. "Besides, any condition you come up with is definitely going to be weird." "Aw, c'mon Mi-chan, play along!" Chiyo cried. "Pleeease? Ya really wanna make it up to me, right? C'mon, just one little thing.~" As she spoke, Chiyo kept getting closer and closer. "H-Hey, Chiyo, you're too close!" Michi protested. "You're going to- kya!"

Suddenly, Chiyo fell forward, taking Michi with her. "Oof!" Michi let out. "Geez Chiyo, I told you! You're too… close…" As she refocused, Michi realized what position they had ended up in. Michi was laying on the bed, and now Chiyo was on top of her. The gal was quiet for a moment and stared down at Michi.

"I'll forgive ya if ya give me a kiss."

Michi's eyes went wide, and her breath caught in her throat. Her heart skipped several beats, and she could feel sweat forming on her palms. "I-I…" she sputtered. "I-I...um...I…" She couldn't even form a sentence, but while her mouth failed her, her mind took in what was before her. "Why is Chiyo on top of me?" she wondered. "Did she just say she wants me to kiss her? She smells good… and her face is so close… and her eyelashes… are beautiful…"

Slowly, her hand began to reach upward, as if reaching for Chiyo's face. But, just as it began to lift, Chiyo spoke again.

"Just kidding. I know you'd never want that, Mi-chan."

Just as quickly as it had happened, Chiyo got off of Michi and rolled over to the side of the bed near the wall. For a moment, Michi just laid there, and without even really considering its meaning, she had a thought: "How do you know I wouldn't want that?"

Because that thought passed by without much conscious awareness, Michi didn't even process it, but regardless, it was a thought that now resided in some part of her mind. Yet again, a subtle change had occurred within Michi. Whether or not she would realize it, only time would tell.

Sitting up, Michi got off the bed and headed for the door. "I wanna make a for-real request, Mi-chan," Chiyo suddenly said. Michi stopped, not bothering to turn around. "Can we… hold hands on the way to school tomorrow?" "We don't even walk together," Michi pointed out. "I'll pick you up," Chiyo said back. "Besides, holding hands… is normal… for friends, right?"

Michi took in Chiyo's words. No matter how she looked at it, holding hands with someone who wasn't your romantic partner just didn't seem right to Michi. That was a privilege reserved for lovers and children. But… for some reason, she just couldn't bring herself to say no.

"...only until we see the school. Then you have to let go."

"That's enough," Chiyo said warmly.

Then, Michi left Chiyo's room. As she walked out, she saw Chitose sitting in the living room. "You weren't listening, were you?" she asked. "Of course not," Chitose said. "Chi's business is her business. I'm not gonna eavesdrop like some nosy parent." "But you're defensive when it comes to Chiyo, so I thought maybe-" "That's rich, coming from you," Chitose said with a smirk. "Who was the one who told me and Chi's parents they were gonna protect Chi?" "W-Well…" Michi stuttered, unable to deny Chitose's words.

Though being remind of her own words made Michi feel a little guilty. "I said that, and yet, I really messed up, didn't I?" "Yep, ya sure did," Chitose said bluntly, causing Michi to feel like an arrow had been shot into her. "Ugh…" she groaned. "But the important thing," Chitose said, continuing on. "Is that you learn from those screw-ups." She looked up at Michi and smiled. "You comin' here and telling me what ya did, then talkin' to Chi, tells me that ya learned something, Mi-chan."

"I… think you're right," Michi said, smiling a little to herself. Change was far from Michi's strong suit, but now that she was actively pursuing it, it was moments like now made her think maybe it wasn't so bad. With those feelings in her heart, Michi reached for the front door. "Come back again sometime," Chitose said as Michi turned the knob. "I will," Michi said happily. "After all, this is where Chiyo is."

*****

"…don't take Chiyo away from me…"

"So... we're still… friends, right?"

With Michi gone, Chiyo leaned up against the wall as she sat on her bed. Before Michi had even come into her room, Chiyo had known she was there. After hearing the pounding on the front door, she had wondered who it was, so she had peeked out the door and spotted Michi. Thanks to how small the house is, she was also able to hear a fair amount of Michi's conversation with her sister.

Even if she had missed parts, one part had rung out clearly to her. "She doesn't… want to lose me," Chiyo had thought when she heard Michi's true feelings. "So what does that mean? Does she want to be closer again?" That's what Chiyo had thought, but when she actually spoke with Michi, she had gotten a completely different answer.

"Friends…" she thought. "Of course that's what she wants. I mean, that's what we are… just… friends…" It was painful to even think that. She kept trying to tell herself that was fine, that she shouldn't expect anything more, but…

"It's not enough."

Chiyo needed more. She so badly wanted to have more from Michi. To be more than friends. To be more than the girl that teased her. To be closer than ever.

To hold hands.

To kiss.

To be lovers.

That was what Chiyo wanted more than anything, yet every time she thought that dream might be attainable, it seemed to slip through her fingers. Michi said she didn't want Chiyo to be taken from her, and then she said they're friends. That most likely meant "just friends." Nothing more, nothing less. Chiyo let her head go back until it thumped against the wall, wistfully staring up at the ceiling.

"How can you hold my heart… and break it all at the same time, Mi-chan?"

End of Chapter Four.