Chapter 40
At first, I enjoyed the solitude of the empty house. I spent most of the day watching television, napping, drinking, watching online porn (and jerking off to said porn), eating, answering multiple annoying calls from my father (“How’s the house?” “What are you doing?” “Don’t mess anything up down there.”), and trying to read a book I’d brought with me. But by nightfall, I was tired, restless, and lonely. I kept thinking about how I’d ended things with Paul. I wished it had gone better. I wished we’d have parted ways amicably and without jumping into bed together. Having sex with him last night made everything a thousand times worse because it showed I lacked control and that I didn’t really want to give him up. I’d behaved poorly, caving to him because my dick was hard rather than suppressing my desires and talking with him like an adult. And locking myself in the bathroom was reallychildish. How could I expect to be in a mature relationship when I was so immature myself sometimes?