~ Chapter 2 ~

If Sinai had any doubts in her mind, then by now she was completely certain that a higher being was punishing her for her mundane but evil deeds. Forced to relive every moment from her birth to her death without ever being able to interfere into her life that she had once lived in so freely. This cycle played over and over again without an ending nor a pause.

She tried everything she could to break the tide. To be free from that auto repeating story of her life. Tried as she might, she couldn't understand it nor was she able to break free from this repeating pattern. Although one thing that she was certain of was that it wasn't reincarnation as she was still here in the same body, in the same world. She had also crossed out that it was certainly not resurrection as she was always sent back into the past as a baby.

The main reason that Sinai knew it was neither of these was because of the lack of power she had over her own body. And she had concluded that an angry god had cursed her to forever live her past, regrets, agony and fear. But that didn't mean she didn't try to go against such a being. She did because her soul was filled with angry resentment and jealousy that couldn't be ignored.

Sinai didn't want to go down until she brought Mika down with her. Her unfilled desire drove her mad as the repeating past played over and over again. It took four lifetimes for her to finally give up her escape. The first step that Sinai knew that the god wanted but couldn't find herself to keep going to find the escape she desired. She figured that the god would soon lessen their anger if she submitted to it. All in order to be free again but that proved to be fatal.

Three more lifetimes passed by her as she waited for her day to finally be free but at the start of the eighth lifetime drove Sinai mad. She knew that the only thing that she could do was repeat those damn words over and over again with as much hatred, anger, and frustration she could muster. Angry at the things that she found out and pieced together about her family and the lies she lived.

And soon five lifetimes passed by and all that she ever knew about herself faded until there was nothing to be angry about. Faded but not gone as it lingered in the deepest part of herself. But the unsettling part was the fact that when she no longer wanted to be angry, she became angry at the mere sight of displeasure from her past. It was to the point that she started to think about these feelings she harbored for years were not her own.

Those feelings of hers made her think in circles until she was confused about herself. She once believed these feelings were as true as the blood in her hands. Believed that they were as true as starving for days and being beaten mentally and physically for years. So why did she feel this way?

Why did she feel that these feelings were not her own? And the most important question, why do these feelings feel like they've never been her own but were necessary for an important reason?

These thoughts cracked her soul for the next two lifetimes. But what really made her fall apart was the thoughts about the life she could have had if everything went the way she wished. A loving family, wealth, power, and love which were things that were close but out of reach. If she wasn't in this situation and if Mika never returned, she would have probably fought a lifetime for even a shed of affection.

Held it dear like it was glass and that one wrong move could shatter it. But she wouldn't have cared, she would have held it lovingly for it to stay intact. Eventually it would have chained her to forever be scared. Chained to only receive approval but not love and even that would have made her go down the wrong path once again. She knew she was a selfish person who was always starved for love.

But even then, she had a distinct feeling that told her that even a small recognition was far fetched and an impossible dream. That no one would have loved her even if she tried all her lifetime. This made her go cold and empty.

It wasn't mine to begin with. She had no anger at the thought as her body was forced to walk towards a happy family of four who laughed in the lovely gardens of her mother. Showing faces that were never revealed to her when she entered. Only to that girl, Mika. Only just for her.

The only one missing in the family was Sinai.

It was such a pretty picture without Sinai in it. So lovely and lively to her. And she wasn't surprised to see the whole mood shift. Disappointment, displeasure, and indifference all showed on their faces the moment her body forced itself in the picture.

There were no tainted feelings of jealousy or anger that Sinai felt anymore. Just the machined ones that were turned into motion. Not her own. But the thing that she did feel was new emotions that she knew were her own.

A deep black well of sadness, suffering and abandonment made its appearance in Sinai. It was the only feeling she knew was true to her as everything else was a lie. She couldn't help but think that she was actually a hollowed puppet forced to dance to the higher being's song.

No ending Sinai wanted ever revealed itself in front of her. She began thinking that she was disgusting to the touch everytime she was alone. Began thinking that she deserved every suffering and agony that was brought down upon her. Began thinking that the god was right for giving her this punishment. Began thinking that she一this soul一should rot until there was no more of it. Until it had never existed.

Forever forgotten like it was never born.

It didn't take three lifetimes for her soul to crack and crumble. Each part that she ever knew about herself crumbled away until there was only a small part of herself that remained. Refusing to disappear completely from her sight. It was the only thing that Sinai held dear to her even though all she wanted was to do was fade into the darkness peacefully.

A flame. And a small one at that.

She knew what it was as she gazed upon this weak flame. It was her flaming will to live that flickered dimly within herself. As she watched it, she realized that she had no heart to blow out its small flames nor the desire to make it flare into life.

All she could do was watch it in heavy silence as it flickered and struggled to provide the little warmth it could for her. Wanting it but believed that she didn't deserve it.

She wanted to curl around that small flame and watch it as it dimly faded. Had watched until there was nothing more than small embers from its leaving presence.

Departing from her forever to the darkness.