Chapter 32 - Jay

It feels like hell.

My feet feel heavy as I pick them up with every step I take. My lunges fill with air every now and then and comes out shakier then it comes in. My hands tremble and my heart beat is unsteady.

This is hell. My eyes look up, Jake grins at me when he sees me. But I don't get excited. I wish I could just look at her. But I can't. Not after what happened in the locker room.

We left each other alone after what happened, she stopped sending me messages, she stopped waiting for me by my locker trying to talk to me, she stopped watching me, she stopped with everything I asked her to do when we hadn't talked yet. And I hate it.

I hate that she acts like I'm nothing anymore, I hate that she can't even look at me, I hate that she can only say Hi and leaves. But the thing I hate most is that I've hurt her, more than I thought I would. It's just too hard. I can't forget about what happened, nor can I forgive her yet.

It was just the wrong time. Maybe we weren't mend to be.

Maybe.

My body still calls for her, just as my heart. I still miss her, I still want her, I still love her. But I can't and she knows it too.

This day is just too much, graduation day, knowing she will leave in two days and that it's likely that I will never see her again. Is it bad that I don't want her to go?

"Jay, hurry up, it's almost starting!" Jake waves me over, he and Andrew look nervous.

"Aww, you are both nervous." They hold up their middle finger at the same time and shake their head at me. "Cuties."

"Shut up." They walk in front of me, well speed walk.

I'm glad they didn't saw how miserable I feel. Maybe they did but just didn't say anything about it. And they are boys.

I was scared Jake would be mad at me for pushing away his girlfriend, but he wasn't. He was really understanding, well after I told him what happened.

Amelia and I still don't talk to each other and I'm fine with that. I heard the things she did behind my back and she did a lot of shitty things, things you wouldn't do if you respect someone and are friends with them.

It's fine, as long as she doesn't talk at me.

"Go get them tigers." I say when they walk towards their seats. My eyes find Charlie for just a few seconds. She looks really good in her toga, but I look away before her eyes find mine and sit down next to Jake's mom.

I feel Camilla's eyes on me, but I don't dare to look up. I know she wants to talk to me, ask how I'm doing. But I can't, she started to feel like a second mom to me, she mend a lot to me and I lost all of that after Charlie and I broke up.

They also look alike a lot, when I look at Camilla I see Charlie and that ache becomes more. I wanted to thank Camilla tho, for being there for me, but when I stood in front of the door, I just couldn't and walked away. I left the flowers on the door mat and decided to write her a thank you card and threw it through the mailbox.

Literally everything reminds me of Charlie. I want to thank her too, the one problem is that I can't. She can't look at me.

I've been so in my mind that the speeches are given and when Charlie stands up I'm really surprised, just like a lot of other people. Wouldn't think Charlie would do something like that.

She clears her throat and looks down at the paper in front of her. "First of all I want to congratulate my fellow students, especially Andrew and Jake. Really surprised Jake finished his year." I hear Jake's mom laugh next to me. Just like a lot of other people.

Charlie grins and shakes her head. "But to be honest, I don't even know how I got here." It's quiet again. "When Mr.Rodney asked if I wanted to say a few words, I said instantly no. But then I remembered that there were a few things I still wanted to say."

"Let start with saying that I don't know what I'm doing." She looks up. "I don't have a single clue and I think most of us don't."

"Life comes and goes, but friends never leave. That's something Jake always said and he's right. You meet people that are likely going to leave, but they still form you to the person who you are today and you should be grateful for every memory, experience and growth you got from them."

"You don't know what life will give you, so take it with both hands even if it's hard. I know that there will be a day that it will get easier."

"So if you don't have a clue what you are doing or going to do. You will figure it out and luckily you still have 5 years to do so." People laugh again. "Look around you and see what's important."

"And never give up." She takes a deep breath. "I met a really important someone this year, who pulled me out of a really dark place, I don't think I would be here at this stage of my life if she didn't came in my life. Stupid to think I let that all go, but I'm happy for the moments I've got." I don't think I can listen to her talking about me without breaking down.

"I have grown as a person because of that, I've learned to be better and do better every day, I've started to appreciate life and the people around me because of her." Nope, can't do this.

My eyes water as I look at her, I would have never guessed that she would be vulnerable in front of a big crowd with people she barely knows or doesn't like. And then her eyes find mine, as if it's the most easy thing in the world. My heart stops and I can't help a tear from falling down.

"Thank you." She says. "Thank you for opening my eyes." It feels like I get a punch in my stomach and I gasp for air.

"Jay, are you okay, honey?" Jake's mom lays her hand on my shoulder, but I can't put up the act.

I don't even try to put a fake smile on my face. "Give me a moment, I need to find the restroom." My voice cracks in the end and I have to hold the tears back with everything that I have. I stand up and quickly make my way towards the school building, not looking back once.

But before I can reach my locker I feel a hand on my arm. "Jay." I stop dead in my tracks by hearing Camilla's voice. "Sweetie, please turn around."

I breathe in feeling how my legs start trembling. "Cam." I say almost mis pronouncing her name, almost saying the thing that lays on the tip of my tongue.

"Can you look at me." After a few seconds I slowly turn around, she softens when she sees the tears that are sliding down my cheeks. "Don't cry." I close my eyes when her hand touches my cheeks to wipe away some tears.

"I'm so sorry."

"Jay, honey, you did nothing wrong." Camilla's voice is soothing, but I know she's lying.

"I've hurt her."

Camilla sighs. "Look at yourself, you are hurt too, Charlie should have known better and she has to life up to her mistake every day from now on, she knows that. She's trying." I open my eyes. "You are a great person and I want to thank you for changing my daughter for letting her see that there is an other way."

"I showed her only more hurt."

The roar of applaus from the crowd cuts through the conversation, which silences us. I just wish to vanish at this point.

"You showed her love." I look up in her eyes. "I have never seen her smile as much, I've never seen her try to be a good person, I thought I lost her." Camilla wipes away more tears. "Try to forgive yourself and never ever change."

Camilla steps back. "You have a good heart and you radiate that on people." She smiles at me. "Thank you for being there for Charlie and now life your life."

"Best of luck and you can always come to me if something is wrong."

"As a shrink?"

Camilla laughs. "As someone you could talk to. See me as an old friend." She walks back slowly. "And keep that smile on your face."

She want to walk away, but I grab her arm. "Wait." I quickly pull back my hand when I notices what I did. "I'm sorry."

She frowns. "What's wrong."

I look away, I just had to let her walk away. "Nothing, it's fine, hurry before you miss the graduation of your children."

"Speak your mind honey." Right I forgot that Charlie is also very stubborn. "I know something is wrong."

With a sigh I look up. "Thank you."

"For what?" She tilts her head to the side, a big frown on her forehead.

I take a deep breath. God this is hard... "For being the closest thing I had to a mom."

"Oh honey." She steps closer and pulls me into her arms.

"Thank you." I say again when she wraps her arms protectively around me.

Camilla kisses the top of my head. "You are always welcome in our home." With that she steps back. "You can always come to me." I smile softly and let her walk back. "I think your mom would be very proud of you, Jayden."

When she's gone I let out a big breath that I didn't knew I held in and slam my head against my locker. She made me doubt only even more.

-------

My eyes glide over the crowd. The graduated 18 years olds. Jake and Andrew are chugging beers, laughing and singing along.

They dragged me to the party, Walker threw a graduating party and everyone is here. I don't know what I'm doing here. I'm a senior next year.

I'm not even trying to let Andrew and Jake know that I'm going to the bathroom. With a sigh I make my way through the crowd. Ignore all the stares and all the whispers. It will never change. It wasn't much different before Charlie.

I sigh when two bitches stop in front of me. Tyler's girlfriend and her little minion. They are the actual worst, just as Tyler is.

"What?" I sigh.

"Awwh sorry, did we interrupt you form crying. I get it tho, I would cry from embarrassment too if Charlie had broken my heart." I look away. "Did you really think she cared for you?" Her minion laughs.

"Oh no, you believed what she said with her speech, how cute." Leila gets a hold of my chin and forces me to look at her. "She doesn't gives a shit about your damn feelings, but you are to stupid to see it."

"Leave me alone." I push her back. "You know nothing."

"Don't you dare touch me!" Cry baby. "Dyke." I want to step closer but she shakes her head at me. "My boyfriend will break your face."

"Is she bothering you, babe." Ugh, Tyler. I roll my eyes when he puts his arm around her.

Leila laughs. "I can handle her, babe."

"I will knock that little Dyke's teeth out." He growls, taking a step my way. Damn it.

"You have some serious anger issues." I step back from him. Knowing very well that this is not going to end well.

He growls again. "Don't start, you will not get away with this." He gets a hold of my shirt. "I can finally punch you a black eye." I already have closed my eyes, I don't care anyways.

"Do it, punch me, make me bleed!" I open my eyes and yell in his face. "Do it then, come on, hit me!"

"If you want it that badly!" His fist connects with my face, knocking my head back, I feel right away that he split open my lip. The weird thing is that I feel how he's pulled off me.

When I turn back my head, I see how Tyler has his hand on his nose, which is bleeding. I look at the person who punched him in the face and my heart stops.

"If you ever lay your hands on her again, I will not only break your nose, but I will make sure you will never walk again." She hisses in his face.

"Broken up, but still protective, you know she hates you right." He says with a bloody grin. "She left you."

"Go, before -"

"Before what?" She grabs his throat so quickly nobody sees it coming. He's struggling for air, slamming on her hand to release him.

"Before I will make you beg, so start begging." Charlie tightens her grip with a growl. "Do it, Tyler."

He shakes his head at her, but after 4 more seconds he can't hold on any longer. "P-p-p-please." He begs. "P-p-please r-release m-m-me."

She waits a few more seconds and then let's go of him, pushing him in Leila's arms. Who is almost crying at this point. "Go!"

As soon as they are out of sight she turns towards me with a worried expression on her face. "You are bleeding."

I touch my lip, feeling the little cut. "I'm fine."

"Jay." She says.

"You didn't have to do that."

"That's what you said the first time." Our eyes connect and I know I made a mistake.

-----

She finally withdraws her hand from my lip and takes a seat next to me. We look at each other for a few seconds before she finally opens her mouth.

"Does it hurt?" I have to hold back the grin, she hasn't changed at all.

"No, not really." I look at the ceiling. "You didn't had to do that, you know."

It surprised me that she grabs my hand. "Do you really think I would let him punch you, because then you are very wrong women."

I let my head fall to the side so I can look at her. "I thought you hated me."

Charlie shakes her head at me. "I could never hate you, even if I wanted to." She grabs my hand and for a few seconds I'm doubting if I felt a shock or not. "That I gave you space doesn't mean that I hate you."

"Why did you?" The question is out of my mouth before I can think about it, but seeing her face she doesn't mind.

"I thought it would be easier." She laughs. "God I was wrong." We look at each other both knowing that we still feel drawn to each other. But I also know that there is a different reason.

"Spill it, Char."

She bites her lip and shakes her head. "Why do you know me so good?"

"Don't know, I'm pretty good at guessing." We both grin, giving each others hand a squeeze.

The smile disappears from her face and she sighs. "If you really want to know the truth. It hurts seeing you smile and laugh without me and I didn't want it to be hard to leave for college. I knew that when we got close as friends it would be harder for me to leave."

"But why?"

"Isn't it pretty obvious? I still love you, you are still a weak spot. I wouldn't want to leave scared that you will get hurt..."

"Or?"

She rolls her eyes.

"Charlie." I bump my shoulder into hers.

"Or..." I nod for her to go on. "Or for you to find someone else, which I know is pretty jealous which you know I hate and I don't have the right to be." She looks at me, seeing right away that I want to say something. "What?"

"Is it bad that I don't want you to find someone else too?" We are quiet when we look at each other until Charlie burst out laughing. "Don't even say it." I threaten.

"Or else?" She says with a big grin. "You are going to kick my ass little -" I cut her off with a punch on her arm. "Well that wasn't disappointing."

I roll my eyes. "Dickhead."

We are silent for some while, it isn't a bad silence, nor is it comforting. It's okay. Both trying to find some words.

"Do you -" We laugh when we talk at the same time.

"You first." She says while bumping her shoulder into mine.

I shake my head. "Do you think it would be different if we were older."

Charlie thinks about it for a second, probably because it's a shitty question and she wasn't ready to talk about this yet.

"Do you think it was the wrong time?" I ask to clear out my question.

"There is no such thing as wrong time." What? I look at her questioning.

I frown. "What do you mean, if we would have met in college, maybe this wouldn't have happened."

She shakes her head at me. "It's not a real thing, every single person in your life is there at a certain time for certain reasons, if you look back on your past, every person you've come in contact with has put you in the position you are today."

"If you are in love with someone and they leave, it's not the wrong time, it's the right time. It's the right time because they could be the perfect person for you and everything could be perfect but you may still have things you have to work on even if you don't end up together in the end."

"They taught you what love is supposed to feel like. Most of the time we all find that one person that shows us that love is supposed to be a warm fuzzy feeling but just because they leave doesn't mean it was the wrong time it was the right person for that time." I almost start crying when she says this.

Charlie smiles weakly at me. "It doesn't mean that they don't mean anything anymore either, they helped you grow in the person you are today."

"I'm sorry, but you could clearly notice that I thought about this already, maybe that's why it's so damn hard to let you go."

I can't help it grab her hand again to squeeze it. I don't have the words to say anything and I know I don't have to.

She smile weakly at me, I can see the tears her eyes, mirroring mine. "We both helped each other grow, you helped me get better and do better, I helped you accept and love yourself." God we did so much more.

"Thank you."

Charlie wipes away a tear from my cheek. "You will always be the only one for me even if it doesn't mean anything to you." She squeezes my hand before standing up. "I'm really happy that I got to know you and maybe we will see each other again in another life time."

Before I can say anything she disappears behind the doors but now it really feels like I lost her. She didn't just disappear behind those doors, she walked straight out of my life and from that moment on I knew she wouldn't come back.