Chapter 17 - Jay

Is she fucking kidding me? Charlie chuckles when I throw some fries back and shake my head at her. She smiles and shakes her head at me.

Charlie asked me if she could take me somewhere when we walked out of the building. And now we sit here in a booth in some kind of dinner, enjoying a hamburger, some fries and a large milkshake. We keep the conversation light and we laugh constantly.

"I like your mom."

I roll my eyes at her. "Sure."

"I'm serious, I'm sure she loves me." She takes a big bite of her burger.

"And how would you know that?" I ask amused.

Charlie wipes her mouth and looks at me again. God why are her eyes so beautiful? "Because you love me." She smirks when she sees me blushing. "And I know you and your mom are almost exactly the same person, you look alike and I'm sure that your personality comes from her too."

I let our fingers intertwine and look into her eyes again. "Thank you."

"For what? Telling the truth?"

I shake my head. "No, for seeing my mom and looking past everything, you just told me how my mom used to be." If only my dad would see that too again.

Charlie notices that I want to change the subject, so she does. "In a month we're going to New York." She says. "How are you feeling about that?" She ask, sipping from her milkshake.

"Pretty excited, I'm going to show you all the places that I love." We share a smile.

"I'm pretty sure every place is amazing, because you are there." Why does she have to make me blush again?

"I want to kiss you right now."

Charlie smiles, she brings my knuckles to her lips and lightly kisses my fingers. "So kiss me."

I look into her eyes one more time. Fuck it. We are still in manhattan, who do we know here? No one. I bend over the table, Charlie meets me half way and when our lips connect everything inside me explodes.

I can't keep the smile from forming when I sit back and neither can Charlie. She fumbles with my fingers and pricks some lettuce with her fork.

It feels like I can finally be me, when I'm with her. Like I don't have to hide myself anymore. I'm free.

"Next week." I look up. "There is a party next week, do you wanna go? We can also stay at my house, to watch a movie."

I think about it a few times. "We ditched the boys a few times now, maybe we should go." I look at her, see if she disagrees. "Not that I don't want to watch a movie with you, it's just -"

"Jay." She says smirking. "It's fine, I agree. I think that Jake would beat me up if I ditched him one more time." We chuckle.

"And I think that he will break his hand."

"Definitely." We both burst out laughing. I see it happening, that dork is the most clumsy moron I know and I know me.

"I want to take you somewhere tomorrow." Charlie says. I meet her eyes again, a warm feeling spread through my body. "But only if you want to."

I nod. "Where are we going?"

Charlie smirks. "I'm not telling you, I want to keep it a surprise." Bitch. "But It's a place were I come a lot, well were I used to come a lot."

"Mmm, now I'm curious." I let my fingers slide over her knee from under the table.

She shakes her head at me. "Stop, Jay, I'm not saying it." She stares at me when I continue. "Jay."

"What." I cry out. "I'm not doing anything." I can't help it and grin. "Please tell me."

"No!" With a chuckle she grabs my hand. "You will see tomorrow."

I sigh. "Damn it." I really hoped she would tell me. "Do we have a game this week?" Charlie nods.

"Yeah, against a great team, so we have to train very hard." When I see her smirk I shake my head.

"You're a pain in the ass."

"I hope pleasure instead." I almost gag.

"Charlie!" We chuckle. "You can't say things like that in places like this."

"What? Nobody knows what I mend." She tries to hide her smile behind her glass, but she fails.

I shake my head at her and move my gaze to my plate. She really is something else. Oh my god. She really... I can't.

My eyes dart up when I see movement in front of me. A boy slides on the couch next to Charlie and another slides next to me. Charlie's jaw tightens and I see her eyes. She wants to kill them.

"Hi ladies, how are you doing?" They don't let us answers. Charlie's anger rises when she sees how uncomfortable I am.

"We couldn't help but notice you when we walked in." The boy next to Charlie smirks and puts his arm around her shoulders. Wrong move.

"If I where you I would take that arm back in 3 seconds." She says amazingly calm, putting some fries in her mouth. Her eyes dart up when the boy takes a fry from her plate.

He laughs it off. "Playing hard to get, huh."

Before I can blink. Charlie has turned the strangers arm behind his back, making him grunt. "No not really." She hisses. "You don't know who I am and what I'm capable of, leave." She releases him. "Do I need to count to 3?" She says as she puts some fries in her mouth.

"Come on." He pouts.

"What about you." The one next to me, strokes my arm. I swallow hard. I hold my hand up to Charlie when I see that she is about to jump them.

"Get your dirty hands of me, we don't want your attention." The boy laughs mockingly.

"Do you know who I am?" He says making himself bigger. And with that Charlie rises. Knocking the guy next to her out of the booth. He falls on his butt. Looking totally embarrassed.

The guys next to me rises too, getting a hold of Charlie, but before he can do that, he lays face first on the table, with a hand on his head, making sure that he can't get up. "Listen." Charlie says, bringing her head to his ear. "Don't ever touch my girlfriend ever again, or I will fuck you up!" She says full with hate. "Did you hear me?"

He grunts. "Yeah, I heard you." Charlie pulls him upright and pushes him into his friend. "Go!" The one who sat next to me and has now a red mark on his right cheek, pulls on his jacket, huffs and leaves. The other one is right behind him.

Everyones gaze is on us. But I really don't mind, what Charlie just did, what she said, I didn't thought she would do that for me.

"We are leaving." She slams some money on the table and grabs her jacket. Without saying another thing she leaves. Oh shit. I quickly get my stuff and go after her. "Fuck," she grumbles when we are outside.

"Charlie." I grab her hand, let her turn towards me. She looks at me quizzically, my lips are on hers within seconds. She moans onto my lips, pulling me closer. "Thank you." I say on her lips. That mend more to me than she thinks.

"Let's get out of here, before those asshole return with back up." I grin and nod. We get in her car and drive off. Maybe I get more to her then I think I do.

-------

The whole way we held hands, I couldn't care less that someone could see. After that encounter with the boys, Charlie is surprisingly enough relaxed the whole way.

"We are almost there, thank you, Jay, for letting me see your mom." She looks at me for a few seconds.

"I'm not going home." I say.

Charlie frowns. "Where are you going, the airport?"

"I was kinda hoping I could stay over."

"I have to sneak you in, but I don't mind." God I like sleeping next to her, or better said in her arms.

"Alright, If your mom kills us, it's your fault." Charlie grins.

Within 7 minutes we are at her house. "Follow quickly behind me, if I say duck, or run, just do it." Laughing I get out of the car. We get our stuff and walk up to the front door.

"And now what?" I ask.

"Do you see the garage, on the side there is an ivy fence, you should be light enough to climb it." My eyes get bigger.

"Yeah and I will probably fall and break my neck, great. Can't I just come in with you?" I plead, pulling at her shirt.

Charlie shakes her head. "I will open up the window." She kisses me and slowly opens the door. "You can do it, if I can, you can too." This is a very bad idea. But I still listen and walk to the fence. This shit is high.

Fuck it. I climb up, barely making it to the top and pulling myself on the roof before I can fall down. I can feel my heart beat in my throat. Shit. Crouching I make my way to the window waiting for Charlie to open it.

Her door opens and I see her walking in, her mom hot on her heels. I duck before Camilla can see me. That was just on time. I can hear them talk.

"Charlie, this isn't okay." I hear Camilla say. I don't want to eavesdrop but I can't help it. "It's getting to that point again and I'm scared that I can't help you this time."

"Mom!" Charlie grunts. "It's fine, It isn't that bad and I'm dealing with it."

"Charlot-"

"Don't, I'm done talking about this. I'm getting myself together." I hear how she sighs again. "I promise, just... Don't make a big deal out of this, it's hard already."

"I know." It's quiet. "Maybe we could go to Francis again, he knew everything, maybe you can finally process and accept what happened so you can move past this trauma."

"He was a dick, he couldn't care less about me, he only cared about the money you paid." Charlie huffs. "Just... can't we talk about this tomorrow?" She seems upset.

"Char."

"Please mom."

"Fine, but I want you to talk more to Lexa." Her door opens and closes and I know her mom is gone.

Slowly I rise. Charlie is standing with her back to me, her window is now ajar, so I can climb in. But when I do, she still doesn't turn towards me. I see how she slightly shakes and I know she's crying, although she doesn't want me to see.

"Charlie..." I lay my hands on her back. "It's okay, turn around."

"I can't." Her voice is a whisper, but I can hear the hurt. She lets out a shaky breath when I embrace her from behind. "Jay..."

"Ssshh." I kiss her shoulder. "You're going to be okay."

---------

Charlie is off a bit again. After yesterday evening, she's distant. Not that she wants to be, but when she looks at me, kisses me or holds me I can see and feel that she isn't really there and I know that is because she's building up the courage and the strength to tell me what's going on.

Just like now. We're walking while the sun is going down and this should be romantic, bit is isn't because she isn't here. She's somewhere else with her mind.

"Charlie, let's go home, you need your sleep, I know you didn't last night."

She sighs and looks at me. "I'm sorry, I'm just -" She sighs. "Sorry, I didn't mend to space off like that." She smiles softly at me and she's back, not completely, but more than she was before.

"Are you telling me where we are going? Because I love the walk, but I know this isn't it." Charlie grins and pulls me behind her off the path.

"No, I'm not telling and how is your project going?"

I roll my eyes at her. "I hate you sometimes." She knows I'm doing my science project with some girl that I hate. "It's great." She laughs, knowing it's a lie. "How's your project going?"

"Olivia won't stop texting, but I'm ignoring her, this bitch is annoying."

I laugh. "Too bad you can't tell her I'm your girlfriend."

Charlie bites her lip, before she looks at me. "Can you say it again, it sounds really good."

I push her and laugh. "I'm your girlfriend."

"Mmm, perfect." She chuckles when she sees my gaze. "What? Doesn't it sound great when I say that I'm your girlfriend." Shit, it does sound great. "See!" She teases.

"I want to tell my dad." I say.

"Really?" Charlie looks at me. "Are you sure."

"I just want to hold your hand and kiss you whenever I want and I want to tell Keith." I say. It's getting frustrating. Especially at school. I just want to walk up to her and kiss her, but I remind myself just on time that nobody knows. She's so different at school, the girl with a big ego, that smiles or laughs rarely. I hate it.

"I have to say, that that sounds great, but are you ready. I will beat everyone up who has something to say about you, but you know..." I laugh.

"I'm thinking about it, my dad needs to know eventually." Charlie nods.

"Can you wait until after New York." I grin.

"Afraid that he will keep me home."

"Just to be sure." She kisses me. "I don't want you to miss out on New York, your hometown."

Charlie spaces out again, giving me the opportunity to think. What's also frustrating is that we still haven't had sex yet. We both want to, but the moment isn't there. Especially now that Keith is almost always home when I stay over. And Charlie keeps saying that she wants to make it special.

"Char..." I say when a frown appears on her forehead.

She shakes her head. "Sorry, I'm -"

"It's okay, I know."

"No it's not and you don't know and that's fine." She sighs and pulls me after her, before I know it we are at a lake. "I come here when I want to think, when I need to take things through." Charlie looks at me. "The reason why I find is so hard to tell you is not because I don't trust you or love you, because nobody even knows that's something is bothering me, I told you already things that even Keith or Jake doesn't know. Keith doesn't even know what happened."

I look at her. "Charlie you don't -"

"No I want to. The reason I can't tell you is that I just can't accept that it happened, I bottled everything up and every time I think about it, I panic, I go back to that moment, to those moments when I felt helpless, alone, terrified. I build up all my walls and put those thought at the back of my mind."

I grab her hand. "You don't have to tell me, Charlie, it's okay."

"I want to tell you, I want to heal from this, I want to move on." She looks at me. "I can't live with this anxiety anymore Jay, it's eating me from the inside out." She's so hurt. "You helped me more than you think, before you I had panic attacks, almost every night, I slept horrible, I was lucky if I could sleep 4 hours. Only when I knew you 1 month, I slept 8 hours and the night we almost kissed that was the first night I didn't got nightmares."

"I'm happy." She says, which almost makes me cry. "You make me happy and I want you to know that everything you do, even the small things it helps me. You're helping me and you even didn't know you did." She let our fingers intertwine. "So I want to tell you and yeah I want to jump off of a bridge and smash my head with a rock, but that's fine." We share a laugh.

Our foreheads rest against each other and we stare into each others eyes. "I want you to know the real me, because I love you."