True Feelings ll

-- SATURDAY, AUGUST 20, 2005, SUMMER BREAK --

The doorbell rang, and since Amber was in the bathroom, I quickly got up to answer it. Swinging the door open, I smiled as I took in the curvy brunette with big tits just bursting the seams of her blouse.

"Hi," I greeted the tits before forcing myself to look this girl in the eye. "You must be E-Beth."

"Hi," she replied, rather obviously letting her eyes run up and down my body to check me out. Hey, fair was fair. A second later, she grinned and replied, "You must be Ben."

I chuckled and nodded, reaching a hand out to shake. Rolling her eyes, the pretty girl just bypassed my hand and got up on her tip-toes to give me a hug. "Hey, any boyfriend of Amber's is practically family."

Surprised, I patted her back chastely. I knew my girlfriend was pretty casual with physical touches, and that seemed to extend to her friends. But I didn't want to presume and so I made sure my hands didn't roam while hugging back.

"E-Beth!!!" Amber shrieked from behind me.

"Amber!" the brunette squealed, letting go of me and racing across the room toward my girlfriend. Giggling unstoppably, the two girls literally hopped around in a wobbly circle as they embraced each other.

"Oh, I've missed you so much!" Amber sighed.

"Your fault. You could've come back to visit me any time you wanted!"

"Oh, I know. But school and the hospital have just kept me so busy and-"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excuses, excuses ... Well, I'm here now."

"Thanks to him. It was Ben's idea to have you fly in."

"I like him already." E-Beth turned and flashed me a wink. "Now I'd love to stand around here and chat until the sun goes down. We have sooo much to catch up on."

"Catch up? We talk on the phone every week!"

E-Beth giggled. "Fine. Whatever. You know I just like to talk. But this body isn't going to maintain itself without a sufficient supply of calories, and the stupid airlines don't feed people anymore." She drew her hands up and down her hips and around to her belly, patting it gently. "So whaddaya say we continue this conversation at lunch? I'm hungry!"

"You're right. He does remind me of him," E-Beth drawled.

"Remind you of who?" I asked from behind her. We were at the tail-end of lunch, and I'd excused myself for a bathroom break. It wasn't that I was trying to eavesdrop on the girls' conversation, but that's what E-Beth had been saying as I returned to the table.

The pretty brunette blushed fiercely, as if she'd been caught red-handed stealing something. Giving her a curious look, I just circled the table and settled down onto the booth seat beside Amber and looked to my girlfriend for an explanation.

"Nothing really," Amber replied casually. "I had mentioned that you're a bit like one of E-Beth's ex-boyfriends. She was just agreeing with me that you did remind her of him."

"Ex-boyfriend?" I screwed up my face. "Hope I don't remind you in a bad way."

E-Beth flashed Amber a curious look before putting on a smile for me. "No, not at all. He was my High School boyfriend, actually. He was really special. I only have fond memories."

"And what did you think of the guy?" I asked Amber. "You two went to the same High School, after all."

Amber glanced across the table at E-Beth with raised eyebrows. "Ah ... To be honest, I didn't like him very much in High School. Thought of him as a dumb jock, actually."

We all chuckled at that.

"But enough about ex-boyfriends," Amber sighed. "You're here because I wanted you to meet my current one. And if I have my way, he'll be my last one."

"Oooh," E-Beth cooed. "That sounds serious."

"It is," Amber confirmed, looking over to me and brushing her fingers down my cheek. "I love him. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. And he's already decided to pick up everything, to leave his entire past behind, to be with me."

I smiled and nodded. "I did."

E-Beth's eyes couldn't have gotten any bigger. Her mouth gaped open slightly, and she blinked rather slowly. Looking back and forth between us, she stewed on that information for a little while before finally saying, "Wow, you guys sound pretty committed."

"We are," Amber confirmed. I nodded in agreement.

"Uh ... wow..." E-Beth breathed, still a little in shock. But she managed to recover and after taking a deep breath, gave us a smile. "I'm happy for you. Really, I am. But ... wow ... this just seems so sudden. How long have you been together?"

"Long enough," Amber assured her.

E-Beth gave us a skeptical look.

"One month, exactly," I explained. "Today's our one month anniversary."

"A month? And you guys are practically married from the sound of it?"

"Time doesn't matter when you've found your soulmate," Amber explained defensively. Unable to help it, I flinched at the term.

E-Beth quickly held her hands up. "I didn't mean it like that. I'm really happy for you, really." She tried to smile, but I got the distinct impression that she was still holding something back. For whatever reasons, E-Beth had her doubts. But faced with her best friend's insistence that it was for real, she was keeping them to herself for the moment.

I wasn't the only one to notice. "Spit it out, E-Beth," Amber sighed in annoyance.

Again, E-Beth gave us a half-smile. "It's really nothing. I haven't been here. I haven't seen the way you two are together except for this lunch. I want to believe that everything is as perfect as you're telling me. After everything you've been through, you certainly deserve some happiness. But you know me, girl. I'm a cynic. And the cynical part of me hears the words 'one month' and immediately gets cautious."

"A lot can happen in a month," I said, only now realizing just how short a time it had really been. It felt like a YEAR had already gone by.

E-Beth nodded agreeably. "I know a lot can. And I don't want to put a damper on your enthusiasm. That's not why I'm here today. I flew out because I missed my best friend and because I wanted to meet the new boyfriend you've been raving to me about on the phone."

"Well you're here. And we're here," I pointed out. "So let's stop trying to tell you about how happy we are together, and we'll just hang out so you can see it for yourself."

E-Beth smiled. "Sounds great."

The night did not go at all like I expected. Now perhaps I'm being greedy, but after what had happened the last two times Amber introduced me to a girl from her past (Cameron and Chloe), not to mention the stories Amber had told me about the sexual antics she'd gotten into with E-Beth throughout college, I sort of expected we'd all end up naked in our bedroom at the end of the night.

But for reasons I can only try to explain, the anticipated threesome never materialized. From the beginning, my encounters with Cameron and Chloe had involved heavy flirtation that eventually led us into bed together. That wasn't the case with E-Beth. While the buxom brunette was not above some playful banter with me, she seemed more aloof than the others in that she spent a great deal of time ... studying ... us.

After lunch, the three of us went for a walk around the campus. It was a very pleasant summer day, with people playing volleyball in the Oval Park. We also went on a mini-tour of Packard Children's Hospital. And when we returned to the apartment, we ran into Lynne, who invited us to hang out with her, Kady, and Noelle for a bit.

Once the other Stanford girls realized that E-Beth was in on the secret, they didn't hesitate to flirt with me. That got E-Beth to flirt with me, and after a couple of hours, I thought Amber and I did a pretty good job of showing the way we were together in our natural environment. My girlfriend and I were madly in love, and it showed in everything we did together.

But still, E-Beth was cautious. She kept asking us questions, subtly prying into the nature of our relationship and remaining skeptical about just how committed we were to each other. And though she didn't necessarily intend to, the extra scrutinization made Amber and me feel rather defensive. So rather than leave for the three of us to have dinner at a restaurant like we'd originally planned, Amber opted to pitch in with Lynne and Noelle to make a big dinner we all could share. At least that way we could be sure that the entire dinner wouldn't be spent with E-Beth interrogating us about the seriousness of our relationship.

In the end, we returned to Amber's apartment, took separate showers, and then went to bed. Just one more "E" name that I somehow didn't sleep with. But even though the threesome didn't happen, Amber and I still made love that night. And I think Amber was even a little extra vocal, extra kinky, perhaps still trying to "prove" our love to her doubting best friend.

Worked for me. My girlfriend fucked the shit out of me.

-- SUNDAY, AUGUST 21, 2005, SUMMER BREAK --

"Keep your voice down. You're going to wake him up," Amber hissed.

Frowning, I stopped my hand just inches away from the doorknob, hesitating before I opened it up. I'd awoken just minutes ago, finding that I was alone in bed this morning. And after hearing faint voices out in the living room, I'd finally decided get up and join the girls.

I shouldn't have eavesdropped. It wasn't a very nice thing to do. In fact, I was just about ready to override my initial impulse and open the door anyway when I heard E-Beth say, "You're still in love with David. I know it."

Okay, now I HAD to hear what was coming next.

"No, of course not," Amber insisted.

"You miss him terribly."

"Why would I miss him? I'm fine without him. I've got my career, my new boyfriend ... my new life. I've moved on."

"You moved on to the next best thing to David. But Ben is NOT him. He's a lot like him. Well, they don't look much alike, but there's a lot about their personalities that's similar. I can see why you were attracted to him from the beginning."

"That doesn't mean I'm trying to replace David. That just means that I have a certain type of guy I like, and both of them happen to fit it. Ben told me he loves tall, blue-eyed, busty blondes."

"Well, that's certainly you."

"So is Ben's ex-girlfriend. That doesn't mean he's trying to replace her. It's just a type. And besides, we've both already confessed all there is about our exes. Ben knows about David. Fuck, I even moaned David's name once while we were making love. But we've gotten beyond that. I realize that Ben is NOT him. And I love Ben for who he is."

It warmed my heart to hear those words, so much that I reached up to the doorknob so that I could go outside and embrace my girlfriend. But before I actually touched it, E-Beth was saying, "You LIKE Ben. You might even have yourself convinced that you love him. But I'm not buying it."

"Why not?"

"Because I see the way your eyes space out every now and again when he does something that reminds you of David. When you guys were telling me that story about how Ben rescued ... uh ... what's her name ... Paige? Paige. When Ben rescued her from those would-be rapists, your mind went STRAIGHT back home. I could actually SEE you thinking about how David rescued YOU. He's your hero."

"I just appreciate that Ben's a hero-type, too. The world needs strong men like him."

"I wish it were that simple; but it's not. You're rebounding."

"Rebounding? Get real. It's been two years since David and I broke up."

"It's been three months."

Amber didn't immediately reply. Still hiding behind the door, I frowned. Had Amber lied to me about her relationship with David? Had she really only broken up with her long-term boyfriend three months ago?

"I think you're confusing which of David's breakups we're talking about," Amber said a little more quietly.

"You know what I'm talking about."

"That has nothing to do with this."

"Don't try to lie to me," E-Beth stated harshly. "I was there. You already confessed all. You want me to believe it's a coincidence that two DAYS after I call and tell you David broke up with Brianna, that you fly out to me blubbering about how your life has gone to pieces and you turned into a drug addict? I did my best to help you get cleaned up. We got you sober. We got you back on your feet. And now look at you. You're the picture of health."

"Thank you for that."

"You don't need to thank me. You just need to admit to yourself that you did it because you heard David was single again."

"That's not why I did it. I needed to get cleaned up, period. I didn't like the person I was becoming."

"That may well be true. But we both know that David was the catalyst. That means you were still hung up on him. What I don't get is why you didn't at least call him or something."

Amber didn't answer immediately.

E-Beth mumbled something, softly enough that I couldn't hear. I found that my ear was practically pressed to the crack by the door latch. And quickly, Amber's voice came back with a harsh tone. "I am NOT still in love with him."

"At the very least, you were three months ago. Deny it all you want. But for two days you were completely out of your head while detoxing and throwing up in my toilet. And you told me over and over again that you loved him and missed him and wished you'd never left him."

"Long-held regrets from a delusional, meth-craving mind. Don't tell me you don't have old regrets that would pop into your head if you were in that state."

"Fine," E-Beth admitted. "But none of this changes the fact that three months ago, you were a meth-head. One month ago you meet this guy who – even to me – seems a helluva lot like David. And now you're telling me you're so in love that you two have been talking marriage. C'mon, Doctor. Think about this rationally for one freakin' minute."

Amber didn't respond. I found myself breathing heavily, feeling simultaneously guilty for eavesdropping on what was very clearly a deeply personal conversation as well as unnerved by what I had just heard. My own rational brain was listening to E-Beth's arguments. While I wanted to believe that this really was true love – that Amber's and my whirlwind month-long romance was the kind of stuff they talk about in fairytales – I couldn't help but start to doubt. Was this relationship real? Or was it nothing more than a fairytale?

"How is he?" Amber finally asked quietly.

"Thought you didn't want me telling you anything else about him."

"How IS he?"

E-Beth took a deep breath. "Living with Cherys and Danielle."

"Still?"

If E-Beth replied, she didn't do it verbally.

"Is he seeing anyone else?"

"No, not at all. He's been pretty depressive lately. But Danielle invited me to come cheer him up."

"You should. I'd like that for him."

"See? Even now, you care enough about him to want to see him happy."

"I do. And I'd like to think he'd want to see me happy as well."

"He would ... If you would ever talk to him. No phone calls. No email. Not even a stupid text message. Don't even try to pretend you don't care about him anymore. That would mean being indifferent. This ... ACTIVE avoidance speaks volumes."

Amber stayed quiet.

"How much does Ben know about this?" E-Beth asked quietly.

"Everything."

"Bullshit."

Amber sighed. "He knows I still had feelings for David, as recently as a couple of weeks ago. He knows I was a meth-head for a little while. But I've cleaned myself up. I've promised him I'm moving beyond the ex-boyfriend. Ben is SUCH a great guy. I really do love him."

"You love him? Or you love what he represents?"

"Huh?"

"He's your second chance. He's your replacement-David. But think about that for a second. Can you really spend the rest of your life with ... with ... an imitation of the man you really want? Can you really settle like that?"

"It's not settling. Ben is a different man. He fits my type. But I love him for who he is."

"Keep telling yourself that."

"I don't have to. It's this simple: When my letter of acceptance to Stanford came, I knew right away that I wanted to go. It had always been my dream to come here. But when I told David, the look in his eyes was answer enough for me. He wasn't coming with me. He had a great job, his family and friends nearby. He had a very comfortable life, and he didn't want to leave it behind."

"It's not that simple."

"It is. You know why? Because Ben made the choice that David couldn't. He's leaving his friends. He's leaving his sister. He's dropping everything to move in with me. You want to understand why I love him? That's why."

E-Beth didn't respond, and the room went quiet outside. At this point, my nerves were pretty frayed. I felt like I'd heard enough. So I padded back to the bed as silently as I possibly could. Slipping beneath the covers, I pulled them over my head as I curled into a fetal position. Curled up in the darkness, I felt like I could drown out all external influences. In here, it was just me and my brain.

And I had a lot of things to think about.

The three of us spent Sunday as amiably as possible. We met up with the other Stanford girls for our weekly brunch. And then just before dinner, we took E-Beth to the airport so she could get back to work Monday morning.

It took everything I had to act normally. While I was a horrible liar when trying to force my brain to form words that were plainly false, I was actually a fairly good actor. I had a lot of practice, from trying to cover my relationship with Viktoriya to the daily routine of keeping my incestuous relationships secret from even friends like Bert, Gwen, and Robin.

But this was harder than any of those situations. Every time Amber looked at me with a warm smile, I found myself wondering if she was truly smiling at ME, or if she was smiling at HIM, through me. Was I just a replacement? Was I just a pale imitation of the man she truly wanted? Was she really just ... settling ... for me?

No, she's not settling. She LOVES you. She said so herself. She loves you because you committed where her ex-boyfriend couldn't.

But if he had?

Stop torturing yourself. He didn't.

But does that just make her want him even more? One of the fastest ways to get someone to want you is to tell them they can't have you. Yes, she's very happy that you committed to her. But does she still secretly wish you were him?

Fuck if I know. But she wants this to work. She really, really wants this to work.

Is there such a thing as wanting this TOO much?

Hmm...

When I thought back over this short visit from E-Beth, I pondered the way we'd made love last night. Amber was trying so hard to make it good for me. She truly wanted to make the sex fantastic, as if it represented how hard she wanted to make our relationship work. But I felt like she'd been pressing last night, like she was trying TOO hard. After all, if our passion was real, there should have been no need to "prove" anything.

Tonight would be better, I promised myself. E-Beth was gone, flown away back to whence she came. It was just me and my girlfriend. And without any external pressures to impress the best friend, Amber and I would be able to just let our true feelings show.

Oh, how right I was.

"Oh, Amber..." I moaned, turning my head to the side and squeezing my eyes shut as I felt her clench her inner muscles around my turgid prod.

Rhythmically, my girlfriend undulated her body on top of mine. Her sweaty, naked torso moved fluidly like she was floating in a lava lamp, completely relaxed and yet with powerful force. There was nothing to prove, no best friend in the next room to impress. There was only her and me. And together, we were perfect.

We held hands, our fingers intertwined as Amber continued to ride me. She leaned forward, pinning my hands back against the pillows to either side of my head while draping those glorious tits right onto my face so that I could lick and nibble to my heart's content. Grinding our pelvic bones together, Amber carved out her vaginal walls against my shaft. And panting beautifully, she opened those crystal clear blue eyes to gaze down at me.

Amber stared right into my eyes, her gaze locked onto mine. Those beautiful blue irises were big and luminous, a gateway to her soul. She continued humping me, driving her body down until her pubic hair mashed up against mine. But even as her own big tits rubbed against my cheeks, she kept her eyes right on mine.

"Oh, Amber..." I groaned, feeling surrounded by my lover's warmth.

"I love you," she crooned, pouring out her heart into every syllable.

"I love you, too," I moaned right back, feeling the unbearable ecstasy filling up my brain and overflowing it with bliss. I loved my new life. I loved my potential new wife. I loved everything about being here, in this moment. I was starting fresh, moving down the path toward true happiness. After all the turmoil of my past, maybe I could finally just have some peace, with the love and companionship of someone who truly adored me.

"I love you..." she hummed again, her voice cracking just a bit at the end.

I looked up into Amber's eyes, finding that moisture was forming there. The first tear dropped onto my cheek as she blinked, and then she dropped herself down, crushing her tits into my chest as she hugged my torso and laid her cheek on the pillow beside me while urgently humping her hips up and down my shaft.

"I love you..." she repeated.

"Oh, Amberrr..." I groaned, feeling my release nearing as she sped up her thrusts.

"I love you..." she whimpered, desperately fucking me now.

"Oh, Amber!" I moaned, my balls tensing as her rapid thrusts and exquisite pussy milked me for all I was worth.

"I love you!" she screamed, nearing her own climax.

"AMBER!" I shouted, hitting my limit and blasting off. Wave after wave of cum ejected out of me, erupting deep into my lover's core.

"I LOVE YOU!" she shrieked, climaxing herself. Her whole body vibrated. Her arms cinched tighter around my shoulders. And as I felt her pussy clamp down on me and quiver in the mother of all orgasms, she screamed one last time. "I LOVE YOU!!! DAAAVIDDD!!!"

My eyes flew open. Uncontrollably, my cock spat out a few more wads of spunk into Amber's sucking pussy. She was still in the throes of her orgasm, her naked body trembling against mine as she dug the back of her head against my cheek and squeezed me so hard I could barely breathe.

But as she started coming down from her climax, she relaxed her grip enough to let me take one deep breath.

It's a good thing I got that deep breath, because a split-second later, she squeezed me again. Only this time, she wasn't gripping me in orgasmic tension. No, this was run-of-the-mill tension, a panic setting in as she realized what name she'd just screamed ... again.

Still facing away from me, her cheek against the pillow, she gasped, "Oh, shit!"

I lay perfectly still, in shock at what had just happened. A moment later, Amber pulled her head up and stared at me as if in disbelief to see my face. And with wide-eyed panic, her jaw dropped open before she pulled her mouth back into a fearful wince. "I ... uh ... Ben ... uh..." she fumbled.

Rather firmly, I took hold of Amber's shoulders and slowly pressed her away. She got the hint and backed up, pulling off my dick with a wet squishing sound. Sitting a little further down the bed, she pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. Her eyes were still as big as I'd ever seen them before.

I was surprisingly calm at this moment. I could have been angry. I should have been hurt. After all, no man ever wants to hear their lover scream out someone else's name mid-climax. But I wasn't angry. And really, I wasn't even hurt.

I wasn't even that shocked. All day, I'd anticipated that something like this could happen. Oh, I didn't WANT it to happen. And I seriously hoped that it wouldn't. But the fact was: she'd blurted out David's name during lovemaking once before. And after everything I'd heard during Amber's conversation with E-Beth this morning, I certainly knew it was possible that my girlfriend was still in love with her ex.

Amber remained quiet, perhaps still shell-shocked after blurting out her ex-boyfriend's name. She watched me warily, waiting for the inevitable explosion. And rather than feel relieved that I wasn't yelling at her, she seemed to get more and more tense with each passing second, anxious that my wrath was only getting worse and worse.

I just lay there, staring at the ceiling, oblivious to my nudity. My limp dick was still wet from our combined orgasmic fluids. And as my body cooled down from its exertions, I began to chill as my sweat evaporated.

My mind was too much of a riot to think straight. There were a million questions racing through my head, but I couldn't sort or organize them. Closing my eyes, I just took a deep breath. And then before I realized it, the words had already left my lips.

"Why aren't you with him?"

It took a few seconds for Amber to find her voice. "What?"

"David. You clearly love him. Why aren't you with him?"

"I ... I'm ... I'm here. I'm in school. Stanford Medical. It's always been my dream."

"So?"

"So ... He has his own life, his own career. He chose to stay there."

"So?"

"So ... so what?"

"You love him. HE'S your soulmate."

"It's not that simple."

"Sure it is. He broke up with Brianna."

When I glanced down, I saw that Amber was giving me a funny look. "How the hell could you know that?"

Sighing, I replied, "You and E-Beth weren't as quiet as you may have hoped this morning."

"You heard us?"

I just nodded.

Amber exhaled slowly. "I can't ask him to leave his life again. He made his choice."

"So?"

"Stop saying that."

"No. You're the one that just screamed an ex-boyfriend's name while we were having sex. You don't have a moral leg to stand on and tell me what I can or can't say right now." My tone was a little harsher than I was expecting. But then I was also surprised to find that my whole body was shaking just a little bit with tension.

Amber pinched her lips together, looking chagrined.

"Why don't you leave behind this life and go back to him?" I asked, forcing myself to remain calm.

"I can't drop out in the middle of school. I've got two more years left. And unlike Berkeley, I can't commute back and forth."

"So?"

She sighed, annoyed but resigned. "This is my dream school."

"I'm sure they have medical schools where you come from. Think about this for a second: Your ultimate goal is to be a doctor, right? Well would you rather be a doctor and have your David, or be a Stanford-graduate without him? Huh?"

"I want to be a Stanford-graduate with you," she insisted.

"Do you? Really? If that's the case, then why do you keep calling his name?"

Amber didn't reply.

Sighing, I finally sat up and raised my knees. Hooking my own arms around them, although not with my knees together like her, I shook my head as I stared my girlfriend down. "E-Beth said that you got yourself cleaned up two days after she told you David broke up with his girlfriend. No, E-Beth said you flew out to her two days after she told you, which means you decided to clean up the day she told you, or the day after at the latest. What does that mean?"

Amber stared at the sheets between us. She sighed before admitting, "It means that David was the catalyst for my decision to get off the meth."

"Uh-huh," I agreed.

Still staring, Amber continued, "It means that I suddenly realized that I wasn't the kind of girl I wanted to be anymore ... I wasn't the kind of girl he would want me to be. I realized that I wasn't good enough for him anymore, and I didn't like that feeling. I had to get cleaned up. If I ever wanted to have him again, I had to be better."

"And you are. You cleaned up. You got better. You did exactly what you said you needed to do to get him back. So back to my original question: Why aren't you with him?"

"I told you: Stanford."

"Bullshit. Stanford is just an excuse at this point. What's the real reason?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"The hell you don't. You're hiding something – not from me – but from yourself. You love him. Even after all these years, you love him. You believe he's your soulmate. And he's single now. All you've got to do is fly off and take him back. But you won't. Why not?"

"Because!"

"Because what? You went to all this trouble – you turned your life around – all for him. And now that you're better, you won't go to him? Why not?"

"Because I STILL don't deserve him!"

Amber's outburst startled me with its intensity and volume. I leaned away, having to hold onto my knees to keep from falling backward. And then I just arched an eyebrow questioningly at my girlfriend.

"I'm still not good enough. I still don't deserve him," Amber said more quietly. "He's this wonderful guy. I'm the broken one. He was always loyal. He was always understanding. He let me act out some of my dirtiest fantasies without losing respect for me. He patiently accepted all my snobbish tendencies. He was everything I could have ever wanted in a boyfriend, in a husband. But that wasn't good enough for me. I wanted other things. I wanted to pursue this dream all over the stupid name on my fucking diploma. I'm a slut. I became a drug-addict. And when all he wanted was a little communication, a simple phone call, I couldn't even give him that. He likes to think that I was this perfect angel. But I'm not. I'm just a stupid, human girl. He's better than me, and I'm not good enough for him."

Now it was my turn to space out. I heard the words, but they weren't in Amber's voice. I saw the blonde hair, the blue eyes, the perfect body, and I felt like a shadow had just passed over my heart. And as if I were speaking directly to Dawn, I replied, "Why don't you let me decide what's 'good enough'?"

Lost in her own thoughts, I don't think Amber even noticed that I said "me" instead of "him". She was thinking of David anyway.

We were both quiet for a long time. I was still thinking of Dawn, lost in the horror of that day when she walked away from me. I felt cold now, despite the August warmth. There were goosebumps on my naked skin, and for a second, I felt like wrapping the blankets around myself.

But instead, I just took a deep breath and swung my legs off the bed. Amber didn't realize I was leaving until my feet hit the floor and I started hunting around for some shorts. And with a pained expression, she reached a hand out to me, pleading, "Don't leave me."

Hearing the ache in her voice, I stopped and turned to look back.

"Please ... Don't leave me."

I thought of the time I'd whimpered those exact same words to Dawn. I thought of the time Kim had whimpered them to me. And now Amber was doing it too.

The result was the same in every instance. Shaking my head, I pulled my pants on and grabbed a shirt. Looking back at my girlfriend, I exhaled and said, "I'm sorry. I can't be your replacement David."

"Ben ... I love you," she pleaded.

I sighed, picturing for a moment everything that we could have been together. I saw our future: a happy life with a home, kids, and the whole nine yards. And in a flash, it all vanished before my eyes. "You don't love me," I stated quietly. "You love that I remind you of him."

"Ben... Ben..." she emphasized my name.

"I'm sorry," I stated softly. "I know you were hoping I could be your second chance at happiness. Really, I was hoping you'd be MY second chance as well. But the reality is that we both truly love someone else. And if we just settle, we'll both regret it for the rest of our lives."

"I'm not going to regret you. I made my choice!" Amber pleaded. "I want YOU. I want you, Ben, you."

I shook my head. "No you don't. You can keep telling yourself that over and over and over again. But then someday, we're going to be making love and your heart is going to go to him again. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week. But someday, it will. And when I hear you say his name, it'll hurt me even more than it did today. I'm not waiting around for that day. I won't be the substitute for the life you want with David but feel like you don't deserve. I'm sorry, Amber. But I'm breaking up with you."

Pulling my shirt over my head, I walked to the door.

"Ben!" Amber wailed.

But I didn't turn back. I couldn't. To turn back would mean settling for second best. Amber would be settling for me. And really, if I had to admit my own true feelings ... I'd be settling for a pale imitation of Dawn.

If you love Dawn so much, then why aren't you with her?

She's gone. She drove away and told me she didn't want to talk to me.

So?

She made her choice. She broke up with me.

So?

Stop saying that.

No. Get off your high horse, Ben. You just scolded Amber for not going back to David. Now why the fuck aren't you going back to Dawn?

I don't know.

Well, you'd better figure it out, and fast.

What, you want me to drive over there, bang down her door, and tell her I'm not leaving until we work this out?

NOW you're talking.

She didn't answer the first time I rang the doorbell, or the second. Not that I could blame her. It was 11pm, and she was probably asleep.

But the porch light came on while I was ringing the doorbell for a third time. I saw the light behind the peephole get covered. And then a second later, the door opened up.

"Ben?" the petite brunette asked in confusion, rubbing sleep out of her eyes.

"Hi, Lynne," I replied tiredly. My feet were bare and all I wore were pajama pants and a loose T-shirt. I'd actually made it all the way to the Mustang before realizing that while I'd instinctively scooped up my keys, I didn't have my wallet or even a pair of shoes. The night with Amber had exhausted me down to the bones, more from emotional weariness than physical. But still, if I tried to drive right now, I'd probably kill myself in a wreck. Plus, I still had no CLUE what to say to Dawn if I even saw her.

Tomorrow, I promised myself. You're going over there tomorrow.

"What's wrong? Fight with Amber?"

I sighed. "Uh, something like that. I promise I'll tell you all about it in the morning. But for tonight, can I please crash here?"

"Of course." She nodded with a smile and opened the door even wider. "What are friends for?"