chapter 4

1. I took the family out to eat at Apple Bees. The lot was full and I saw a customer come out to leave so I waited around 10 minutes for him to pull out and take the spot.

Guy pulls out and a car full of young girls just pull in to my spot. You know the type. Well I rolled down my window and told them I was waiting for that space and the driver says "to bad, your name wasn't on it".

I was livid but just waited for another space and went in and ate. Girls were at the bar doing shots getting wasted. We enjoyed our meal and paid the waiter.

I then asked the waiter if he wanted to make $20. I asked him to go up to the girls, 10 min after we left, and tell them they got a call from someone that said that they had keyed their car and that they should have parked somewhere else. I DID NOT KEY THE CAR. I called him about an hour later to ask how it went. He said they all went nuts, screaming and shit and even called the police. BONUS: Cops came and found no damage to car but noticed the girls were to damaged to drive. Cops left and circled back and watched the car. Girls come out, get in car, start the car, and the parking lot explodes in blue light. Busted! DUIS and PDs for all.

I did not know about the bonus till a week later when I went back for a few beers. The waiter recognized me and told me the bonus story, laughing the whole time. Another $20 to the waiter. Best $40 I ever spent & I kept a drunk driver off the streets.

2. A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs.."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they asked.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. Don't know her name-they just moved in.

She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.

He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsca and send him the money. So I did."

3. The three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly.

One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident? "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have, because the smell was getting worse. Sooo0o..I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?" Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled... "SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTSIII" While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened. I was mortified! Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had!ll Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry son, wife accuses me of the same thing ail the time... just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."

4. A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands ... "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only passion, Dad.

She's pregnant. Stacy sai that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.

She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!

5. A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students .

One day she asked Johnny what his problem was he replied , " I'm too smart for the first grade , my sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than her too . " The teacher took him to the principal's office and explained the situation to the principal . The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test , and if he failed to answer one question he would have to go back to the first grade and be quiet . The teacher and Johnny both agreed . Principal : " What is 3 x 3

" Johnny : " 9

" Principal : " 6 x 6

" Johnny : " 36"

And so it went on like this , the principal asked him every question a third grader should know . Finally after about an hour he told the teacher " I see no reason Johnny can't go to the third grade , he answered all of my questions right . " The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions . The principal and Johnny agree . Teacher : " What does a cow have 4 of that I only have 2 of ? Johnny : " Legs " Teacher : " What do you have in your pants that I don't have ? " the principal gasps but before he can stop him from answering Johnny says , " pockets " Teacher : " What does a dog do that a man steps into ? " Johnny : " Pants " Teacher : " What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement ? " Johnny : " Firetruck " The principal breaths a big sigh of relief and says " Put Johnny in the fifth grade , I got the last 4 questions wrong myself .

6. An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged unmercifully. From morning til night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began pestering him. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men. The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so l'd nod my head in agreement." "And what about the men?" the minister asked. "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale".

7. As elalerly man in Phoenix calls his son in New Vork and says, "I bate to nain your day, tet I have to tell yon that your mother and I are divurcing: Burty-fine years of misery is enongh. "Pop, what are yoe talking abour" the son sereams "We can't stand the sight of each other any konger." The old man say. "We're sick of each other, and ' siek of talking about thi, s you call ynur sister in Chicage and tell her," and he hangs ep Fraatk, the son calls his sister, who esplodes on the phone. "They're aot getting divorced if I have anything to de about i," she shouts, "I'l take care of this" She calls Phoenix immediatety, and sereams at the eld man, "Voe are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing vetil I get there. Fm calling my hruther hack, and we' both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing. DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife and Nays, "Okay, they're esming for Thanksgivingnow wtat we tell them for Christmas"