Chapter 2
1. Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the- rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her litte jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the giri and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The litle girl proudly replied, I worked last week with a real work crew building the new house next door to us." "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?" The little girl replied, "1 will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fkin' sheet rock." Kind of brings a tear to
the eye - doesn't it?
2. Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you. The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Ägain, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will firel The older alien again warned his comrade saying. "You probably don't want to do thati I really don't think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish,' replied the ****y. young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. "What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous? The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear .
3. Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."
4. These are situations doctors actually had to deal with on the job, published by medical reporters.
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cabl" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs, and I was in the wrong one. --Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," she remorsefully replied. --Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart." --Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test.
I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," requested.
There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam. --Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA
5. A SOLDIER'S SUPRISE by Gail Litrenti-Benedetto, Park Ridge, Illinois It is spring of 1943 during World War II.
Standing among hundreds of new soldiers at Camp Grant, in Illinois, my father, Sam, just 18 years old, waits as a truck slowly drives by.
A full field pack is randomly tossed to each soldier. "How strange," my father thinks, as he sees his last name, Litrenti, marked on each item in his pack. "How did they know it was me when they tossed the pack?" He was impressed! Beating all odds, my father was tossed a field pack from World War I- his own father's.
6. A young boy enters a barber shop...and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world.
Watch while I prove it to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "
That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?" The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
7. Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak.
But all of Bubba's neighbors were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic.
After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic." Bubba's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbors. As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."
8. He REALLY LIKE THIS URBAN LEGEND BEHIND THE WORD, "FUCK" THAT SAID THAT IN THE MIDDLE AGES, DURING THE BLACK DEATH, RESOURCES WERE SCARCE SO COUPLES HAD TO OBTAIN ROYAL PERMISSION TO HAVE CHILDREN SO THEY HAD TO PUT UP A SIGN ON THEIR HOUSE (VISIBLE ON THE ROAD) THAT SAID, "FORNICATION UNDER CONSENT of KING" AND THEIR ENTIRE STREET WOULD KNOW THEY'RE FUCKING .
9 . Little Johnny saw his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so esciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother encitedly. "Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and Daddy and Mommy tells him to slow down, bet that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. 7 was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Janr a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane telped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it fer supper time. I want to see the look en Daddy's face when you tell a tanight" At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jack wsed to de when Daddy was in the Army."