01

I've always longed to fall in love.

To truly, deeply fall in love, A love that penetrated my bones and soul, a love that brought the best and worst of me, as raw and naked I could be, I want to be painted with all its colors. I want to drown in intimacy that just goes beyond the pleasures of the flesh. I want to find a home I would choose to go to everyday, no how messy it might be. I want to have a physical and emotional connection, without doubt or hesitation or betrayal, built on trust and hope.

I've only wanted to fall in love.

And when I do I swear I'll do everything right.

So what and when and how did it exactly go wrong?

I just loved, as beautiful as it is, it's also tragic. 

Freshly graduated from Senior high. I closed a chapter to unknowingly start what I can claim my most happiest and painful and longest chapter of my life, spent with the Man I choose to love, Anthony Armado.

I was 18 and he was 25. 

We met on one of the most romantic starry-eyed place known to earth, Seville, Spain. Where it all began as a whirlwind romance not a single warning of storm to destroy.

Maybe I refused to see it?

To begin,

I always deemed myself as a rational, not impulsive at all type of Individual. I always did my very best in doing everything right in all of its definition, living to every standards of what is expected of good. I followed the rules and patiently waited for my turn yet I threw it all away like a string being pulled, just waiting to be snapped. For him.

I wasn't born in a picture perfect or wealthy or well-connected family, but it was just right, it was home. I never used to desire for wealth or better, I was taught to be contented with what I currently have, I could only work so hard to earn my dreams. 

My father died when I was young of an non-curable illness in my young age of 8 years old and My mother was left along to fend for the both of us. She was to care and provide for me as best as she could. My mother she did her very best to raise me right, affirming me of her love whenever she gets the chance too. She've done her best to be a mother and father at the same time. She've done her very best to teach me the love she knew of.

I my mothers sole daughter and I tried my best to be a good daughter to her. I always made sure to help her around the house that my father left us. I made sure to study day-midnight so she wouldn't need to burden herself in regards to my education. I won every price gain contest out there so I could help her pay the bills in general.

I got into the best private schools, a world was totally different from mine and I could only endure the mocking stares and words people threw at me or being different. for being poor. I have swallowed my dignity and pride over and over again, bowing my head, letting my self lose the fight with the larger picture in mind. I have never let impulsivity or irrationality get the better of me. I always did my best so I could make my Mothers life easier. 

I played my role right.

Somehow, I was envious of the people that surrounded me. Because as they went to parties, got high, smoke a joint or two, got into a countless relationship to find the right one, trialed and errored with the things that brought them happiness, I sat up at my desk, bleeding my brain and body and self dry so I could create a better future for my future myself. I gave up all the temporary happiness into the thinking that if I held back long enough I would achieve what they meant as long-term joy and success.

My mother wasn't perfect, but she knew best. I should've followed her advice to not go out of the hotel that night. If I did, I would never have crossed path with Anthony in the first place. I wouldn't have willingly walked away from the path i've built my self ever since, I wouldn't have willingly suffered for the sake of love.

Such a simple decision pushed me into a clif that never seemed to end. The light slowly disappeared as I got deeper, only darkness existed enduringy for years.

Truly, it was vacation that I would never forget. The trip itself was a gift from my never exhausting, hard-working mother. I was to take it alone, maybe I should've just saved the money.

A simple wanting to feel the salty yet fresh air and walk along the smooth beach shore led me to him that night, a coincidence that I did not leave to chance. A lonely man who drank alone couldn't be more attractive to a lonely being like me. We spoke in the dark, the moon shone in his anguish face. He needed a friend and I reminded him of someone. We were both lonely people wanting to be less lonely. I choose to accompany him as he drank his pain away on the dry sand full of rawness and vulnerabilty. 

I was 18 and he was 25. He was a stranger not soon enough turned first love.

7 years apart was nothing.

That night changed eroded my plans, It changed everything. He listened to me, We were emotionally connected. I was inexperienced, I could only fall for this broken gorgeous man, I couldn't help but give in, give him all my firsts and all my ending. I could only fall deeper.

Anthony took so much of me that he was all I could fill my mind and heart and world with. I never really had a friend. My world only consisted of Me, Mom and now Him.

The most rational and logical decision was to let go then move on with my life after that week. I could've just treated it what they called as a fling, a summer romance, the one the got away. I couldn't let go, I didn't no how. How could I when he asked me to be with him with those mesmerizing gemstone green eyes of his? So I did just that.

Anywhere wouldn't matter as long as I was with him, home is a person, my person. Anthony was my home.

Anthony told stories that plucked every cell of my heart. My attention and senses was solely captivated by him. He told me stories that made me laugh and cry and ache and I yearned to be part of his stories too, I crave to be part of his life. I wish to be the centre of this world just like he was to mine.

I didn't expect a lot in love, I didn't even know what to expect in love. All I know is that I was in love with him so Instead of going to the university I worked endlessly for, rather I joined him in his invitation to travel the world with him, I already chose him to spend my life journey with, his needs and wants would be my priority.

I didn't know how to let go of the newly found emotions and experiences he created with me. I didn't know how to get back to studying and dreaming and longing for the day I would attain my dreams. I was overwhelmed with the profound completeness he gave me. I was getting so high, it would break me or even kill me to let go of him, he was a life rope I strongly grasped. 

He held my hands just like he held my joy and hopes as he brought me all over the county then the whole europe then soon the whole world. He made me experience all the highs and euphoria I could only ever dream of back in the past.  He was stable and successful and ambitious, brimming with confidence when he spoke, a magnet of adoration and praise, being with him felt like the world was in my palms. He was the maker of my dreams. 

Like puzzles fitting perfectly together, we felt right. 

I was happy and free, with him by my side I didn't need to be burdened the weight of my future. He swept me of my feet like a prince.

I could only blame myself with what I did next. I confessed to him how much I needed him, how much I love him, how much it'll break me to let go of him and how I wanted to spend my whole life by his side.  Maybe it was because I wasn't completely sober that time, I was never truly sober with his presence. Everything was in blurry except him, he was the only direction I knew, it was the clearest path I could take. We got married not soon enough in the simplest way I would ever imagine. 

I didn't want a big wedding, neither did he, It was just Him and I. 

How I wished I snapped out of that infatuated trance and saw the obvious red signals on the background. I didn't even know his parents and my mother wasn't even aware that I'd married a random stranger I met on the night I ignored her advice to stay in the room. Nights are prone to dangers she cautioned, It leaves you vulnerable to danger. She was right the danger was slowly unveiling himself and now I could only blame myself as I am now chained to the eternal bond of death or life. I should've listened to her. Such simple misdirection could lead you anywhere totally different.I should've ran, far far away before I got to comfortable to danger, yet, I willingly got lost.

Mother furious and agonized and hopeless, when she've known of it all. 

All my life I've only wanted to fall in love, Can't she just be happy or me? Who was she to choose my future for me?! Why can't she just let me live my life?! 

I chose to be happy. I chose Anthony. I cut her of. Our relationship could only go spiraling down further that moment. She could only be aware in sorrow as her only daughter gave up her life and bright future for a man who she doesn't even truly know, in the sake of what she interpret as love.

Soon, I met his mother. She didn't like me nor did she right out show me her dislike, she merely watched on the background knowingly aware that nothing would change however she interferes, her son wasn't someone she can control. His father ignored my presence, like I was nothing but a bug, something that would leave when they have grew out their purpose or something that would die if stepped on hard enough.

But Anthony married me didn't he? He still chose me? That means he cares for me, right?

I wasn't naive to not recognize that Anthony didn't feel the same way, not yet but I could make him fall in love. He would grow to love me soon.

If I was to be by his side all the time not ever leaving him, If embrace him and kiss his discomforts away, If I dedicatedly waited for him everynight, If I learned to be a perfect housewife cooking him his favourites, If I comfort him with his favourite melodies in his favourite piano, If I dolled up my self prettier, If I bliss him with pleasure, If I affirm him of how important he was to me every single second, If I gave him all of me. I had give him all of me. Will he grow to love me too? 

As I spent my time loving him, My vision was getting clearer yet my heart was strained. Anthony wasn't the person I fell in love with anymore. Maybe he changed? 

When and How and Why is he changing?

Maybe it was when we moved into his home, where he was constantly pressured by his parents of doing their will? He was their sole son, after all. Maybe it was when his Father died? making him lose one of his pillars in life and pushing at his direction mountains of obligation, forcing into him the duty of taking over their business as an Armado. Maybe it was when I told him I was with a child puting much more pressure to him? Maybe it was when our first child died within a week of being alive? making him go relieve the process of grieving death again.

He needed me and I was there, not single once thinking of my self, my well-being nor my heart. I gave unconditionally even if it meant exhausting me, losing myself.

I chose him even if her wasn't the Anthony I knew, because that was love for me. My love for him was a choice I choose every single second and minute. My love wasn't about the material or physical that he could provide me. My love wasn't about his personality or past or stories. My love was not the trauma bond or similarities that we share. My love wasn't about me.

My love was simply him, Anthony Armado. I love him for who he is and who he might be. 

Do I regret loving him? No.

He was a mistake I chose to make.

True love is supposed to be mutual. A shared devotion between two human beings. 

I've always wanted to fall in love and i did, doing everything right in the process.

Yet My love did not love me.