Vol. 4: Side Story Chapter 2 - What Resides Within Us

What did I expect after coming to this school?

Did I expect things to change? What even is the "change" that I wanted?

The girls and boys probably dislike me for my attitude. Similarly, my peers didn't like me back then, so I got bullied. Both of which were my fault, to begin with.

Aren't things the same then?

Strictly speaking, they're not. This time, I'm doing everything I can to protect myself. And so far, I've succeeded.

However, if my past as a severely bullied weakling is revealed, everything I've built on will shatter in an instant.

Well, it's not like I cared too much about my reputation, but the protective shell I've created alongside it would also be destroyed. No matter what happens, I can't let that happen.

"Sigh..."

I turned off the shower while fending off the disruptive thoughts.

I got out of the bath and stood in front of the mirror, completely naked.

"-!!"

I looked at my side and the sight of my disgusting scar made me nauseous. I gripped the faucet in fear as I vomited.

The events from that incident were vivid enough to make me remember everything in detail. My hideous past isn't something that I can run away from.

For the longest time, I knew that this sanctuary was temporary. And with my past slowly creeping up from behind, I can only imagine the hell waiting for me.

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"Ohh? So that's how it is. You were bullied in the past, weren't you, Karuizawa?"

The moment I heard those words, I knew my life was over.

Everything will return to how it was back in middle school. Tormented, ridiculed, and laughed at. Some might pity me, and some might lend a helping hand, but everything would be over for me. The Karuizawa Kei that I wanted to be will be nothing but a pipe dream now.

My weak denials didn't go through them.

My pathetic pleas overjoyed them.

Ahh, how familiar.

I wonder what kind of eyes I have right now.

My body was instinctively crying, trying its best to combat the hell moving forward. Maybe, just maybe, there's still a way to convince them. Even though my heart was as good as empty, my tears still flowed while my voice cried out. It was a futile effort for my inevitable suffering.

*Slap*

I got slapped across the face. It doesn't look like she's used to slapping considering how weak it was.

I'm sure the other two will take their turns. After that, they'll probably escalate their violence to punches, then kicks. All of that while berating me and mocking me.

This is the worst... I just want to die—

I feel suffocated. My mind was miserable and my heart had collapsed in despair.

But... when I thought everything was over, he appeared.

"Alright, why don't we stop it right here?"

Ayanokouji Kiyotaka. He was Class B's enigmatic leader.

He was the sole reason for our class's current position. Ayanokouji-kun led the class with ease, using the capable students effectively to turn things around. He predicted that I would lead the girls and even helped me with my plan to date Hirata-kun.

He was amazing and I admired him from a distance.

If it weren't for my relationship with Hirata-kun, I would try my best to become closer to him. It's not like I liked him or anything like that, but my interest in him grew day by day.

When he purchased the explanation from Chabashira-sensei way back in April, I thought I was hearing things out of a manga. While we were too busy gawking at our monthly allowance, Ayanokouji-kun uncovered the truth without much difficulty. He thought up a plan to ensure that no one would fail during our midterm exams, too.

His achievements were amazing— something that no ordinary student could even compare to. "Why is he in Class D?" was a question that's been on my mind ever since.

I observed him from afar. I immediately realized that he was just trying to fit in. Even though it wasn't really obvious because of his face, Ayanokouji would always try his best to return a conversation.

He told me that it would be nice if he was friends with everyone in the class. It was a really endearing wish. It only took four months before he fulfilled his wish. Well, most of the girls want him as a boyfriend rather than a friend, though.

Despite everything, I also noticed some subtle changes in Ayanokouji-kun's behavior. His innocent air, which resembled that of a baby chick, slowly disappeared. His words got more and more direct, almost cold at times.

My image of him completely shifted when he rescued Sakura-san. He was cunning and smart. Calling him a genius wasn't an exaggeration given his grades. He was extremely athletic, too. However, he never came off as someone who'd fight using fists. Everyone in our class saw him as "harmless".

We were wrong.

The way he beat up Sakura-san's assailant told me that Ayanokouji-kun knew what he was doing. At first, his strength wasn't apparent, but I realized how strong he was when he punched the teeth out of the man.

Ayanokouji-kun's expression also sent chills down my spine. His boring and gloomy face looked cold and unforgiving. At first glance, nothing seemed to change. But if I was on the receiving end of that look, who knows how frightened I would feel?

"You were the one who caused this. You just reaped what you sowed."

He threw those words right to my face without any hesitation. He saved me, but he also wanted to teach me a lesson. That's why he watched for a while before acting.

It was extremely cold. He let me suffer through all that and after making Manabe and her friends leave, he didn't even ask me if I was okay. Yes, it was cold, but it was also logical. Through his plan, my past wouldn't be used against me. It was ultimately for my own good. I know that. But he was one of my closest friends. So seeing him talk and look at me like this still hurt.

However, I also knew that I had no right to get hurt.

"You're probably aware of it already, but you're just acting like the ones who bullied you in the past— like Manabe and her friends. Is that really how you want to protect yourself, Karuizawa?"

I was weak, so the strong preyed on me. And now that I appeared strong, I also had to prey on other weak people to maintain that appearance. I knew it would make others dislike me, but I didn't care. I was desperate to protect myself— to prevent "that" from happening again.

"—you're still hiding something."

If anyone would notice, it would be him.

"What is it, Karuizawa? A darker form of your suffering, perhaps?"

The suffocating sensation returned. My eyes wandered towards the location of my scar.

I realized how fatal of a mistake that was, but it was too late. Ayanokouji-kun touched that spot in an instant.

I tried to move his hand away, but it was futile. He lifted my uniform and saw "it"— the disgusting scar that I'd been hiding from the start.

I was severely bullied in the past. They would pull down my skirt in front of the class. They would make me confess to a boy that I never liked. They would also make me lick their shoes. All of that among other things.

They were all true, and both Ayanokouji-kun and Hirata-kun knew about them.

But this? I didn't want anyone to know about this. Not even them. I can't even bear to look at it. If people saw this stomach-churning scar, they would cringe in disgust, just like me.

"This is it? This is your darkness?"

Ayanokouji-kun's face didn't change in the slightest. He even went so far as to trace his fingers along the shape of my scar.

Was it because of the tension? Was his mind too occupied with knowing the truth? Regardless of the reason, he didn't look at me or the scar with revulsion. It made me feel something that I didn't know how to explain.

"What shattered your spirit? What could make such a strong girl so desperate for protection?"

"So this was the reason," he must be thinking.

His soft voice echoed inside my head.

When our dark eyes met, I knew that Ayanokouji-kun had also been through some things that a single person wouldn't be able to handle alone. I was curious, but my entire body was overcome with fear. I can't even think straight. At that moment, I was terrified of him.

Those were the eyes of someone who had witnessed more despair and darkness than a normal person couldn't possibly imagine. Or at least, that's what my trembling body was telling me.

"Who... are you?"

He told me that we were the same... Ahh, that's probably why he was the perfect person to embrace my darkness— not my friends, not Hirata-kun.

"A parasite like you won't survive by latching on to a host like Hirata."

Ayanokouji-kun knew that, too. That's why Hirata-kun wasn't the one who could help me. I needed someone who'd be an ally to me and only me.

"I'm not the right person to reprimand you. I did something detestable too— letting you suffer through most of your trauma tonight. However, I can call you out for targeting some of the girls in our class."

I looked down with a guilty expression.

"They're my friends. Even if I don't have a problem with your way of things, you should tone it down a bit. You're the leader of Class B's girls. If anything, you should be the one who'll stand up for them— the one they can rely on."

He preached to me from the perspective of an ordinary classmate, which was probably what I needed at the moment.

He made me hear how hypocritical I have been, and how damaging my actions were to some of our classmates. It was awful— I was awful. 

"But I had to do it"— that's what I've been telling myself.

I've bullied the innocent and weak girls in my class. Most of them were from Kushida-san's group. One part of me felt bad while the other part felt annoyed. They reminded me of how I was back then. Luckily, they had friends to lean their backs against. Even Sakura-san, who couldn't even talk to anyone back then made friends with the likes of Hasebe-san and Sudou-kun.

I was envious of them, to some degree.

After thinking about it, Ayanokouji-kun was right. A lot of the guys probably dislike my arrogant attitude, but some girls look up to me. I was naturally fashionable and I was an expert in socializing. Even if I was Hirata-kun's girlfriend, I wouldn't garner any respect without putting in some effort. I became the girls' leader because of all that.

I didn't have to be such a bitch just to take control of the situation. There are amazing people like Ichinose-san who are respected by everyone while still being nice. I may not be as smart or athletic, but I can certainly become someone that my classmates can rely on.

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At that moment, I decided to try and make that idea into reality.

I will start by following Ayanokouji-kun's plan. I will apologize to Morofuji Rika while not making myself seem weak. I will admit my fault and move on from this.

Ayanokouji-kun showed me his real self, much like how I revealed the truth of my past to him. It was something that only a few people were aware of, according to him. I didn't know if that was a blessing or a curse, but things will definitely change between the both of us.