Blown it

***Jay's POV***

I'm fucked, eloquent of me, I know. I try to open my eyes. And instantly pull them shut again because of the light.

It's light so I'll keep them closed for a minute. I've never ever had this kind of reaction to weed. Something has happened here.

Taylor, fuck. She had some of the spliff. Oh shit I text her straight away ripping my eyes open to the bleaching light of my phone.

"Are you okay? Fuck I'm sorry I didn't know. Please just let me know that you're alright?" I message what else can I say to her? This is going to reflect badly on me.

I close my eyes again, I see her straight away. I see her watching me kiss her chest and saying my name. Her hips pressed against my own. God damn I'm on this bad now. Me touching her lips, her lips kissing me back and her hands in my hair. Her soft fingers pulling my hips into her own. I have to stop thinking about her. So much for icing her out.

How can I sit next to her at uni? I'll just get there early and she can decide if she wants to be around me or not. I've definitely blown it, like I do with every chance I get with any girl. Only this time it's going to hurt me.

I know how this looks, and I'll be very lucky if Matty doesn't beat me up, or try too. I text him,

"I swear I didn't know Matty." I'll leave it at that, he will ignore me. Shame we were just beginning to like each other again. Matty is like a younger brother to me, I'm a dick to him and I'm a bad influence but I care about him deep down. Hell I would never ever admit that to him. And at the moment I'm jealous, of his relationship.

"Ugh" I hear from over the other side of the room.

I turn over in the bed. I see Rach in yesterdays clothes on the other sofa bed. Makes sense we're still at Ryan's house. There would be no other way of getting us out of here last night.

I sit up and brush my hair back. My body feels heavy and my head hurts. I sip some of the water that somebody nicely left me.

"You alright Rach" I ask smiling.

"Hell no" she replies. She sits up and drinks some of her own water. I would never tell her but she looks really hungover. Her hair sticking up, makeup smudged.

"I think the weed was laced, with something. Can't be alcohol. I've texted the dealer, message was undeliverable. He's blocked me. What a nonce" I say to her.

"Ah shit, well at least we are alright" she laughs.

Typical Rach. If Taylor were here she would be asking about her and whether shes okay. I just know she woke up caring about how everybody else is.

Rach turns her phone on. I observe.

Her phone beeps.

"Tay is asking how we are?" She laughs.

Point proven. I know this girl by now.

She texts back. I watch her. I can't feel anything for her at all anymore.

"What did you say to her?" I ask.

"That we're all good" she says moving on.

"Did you ask her how she is ?" I demand.

"No she's fine otherwise she wouldn't have texted me" she says simply.

I yawn. Clearly Tay is not willing to text me. That's a bad sign. Very bad. Conversation has ceased between us. I stand up and stretch out. I pull my shirt on and button it up. I'm heading home I've decided to wash and then sleep this off. I collect my phone and wallet from the side.

"What's your plan?" Rach asks me.

"I'm going home Rach, you should too" I advise her.

She just looks at me. And sighs.

"Oh are we here again." She laughs. Fucking hell, I do not have the mental capacity and patience to deal with this right now.

"What do you mean?" I ask patiently.

"I need a shower and to sort my life out." I tell her.

"What I mean is, Tay isn't here so you're not interested in me. You think I'm an idiot? I saw you Jay when I made out with her, you couldn't take your eyes off of her. And not just then but all night long" she says and she rolls her eyes.

"What is your problem? She's your friend and you cannot say a nice word about her. She asks how you are and you don't even care about her. And so what? She's attractive. What you thought we were together ?" I say to her. I can hurt you back Rach. Sink or swim, she wants to pull me down I'll just swim away.

"Oh but you care about her right?" She asks sarcastically.

"No Jay you just want to fuck her, so that you can say that you did it. And then you'll see another girl that you want and you will repeat the same shit again" she shouts at me.

"Coming from you Rach? Why don't you just go and lay back under Brad" I tell her.

"You're pathetic, you never meant anything to me." I say and that gets her.

We're silent for a minute.

I calm down slightly, I sit down on the side of the bed. Get my phone out to book a cab. She hasn't texted me but Matty has. Interested I open up his message.

"I understand, I hope you and Rach are recovering." Well that is short and direct. Perhaps she hasn't told him anything. I'll deliberate that later.

"Sorry that was a dick move" I say to Rach not looking at her.

"I'm sorry too" she says quietly.

"I'm going home because I feel like shit okay. I'm hungover as fuck and I can't believe I drugged two of my friends. Inadvertently. So yeah I'll see you at uni" I say and book my ride home.

When that's booked I roll myself a cigarette and her one. I pass her the cigarette and leave the room. I don't look at her at all. It's over between us, most definitely on my side, I don't feel anything for her. And I can't imagine her wanting to spend time with me now anyways.

I say thanks to Ryan on my way out and I apologise to him as well. I go outside and smoke my cigarette and wait for my cab. I think about her again. It's like being tortured all the time. My mind continually reminds me that she's not here with me.

I want her, I want to hear her voice. See her biting her lip and looking at me smirking.

She kissed me back twice last night. The first time she did eventually push me away. She told me that we couldn't. She made me feel like she wanted it, and then she pushed me off.

And the second well, she was tripping I realise. And it's most likely the only reason she let me do all of that to her. I was so shocked when I heard her say my name that it stopped me in my tracks. I could have taken her in that bathroom. But I'm glad I didn't, Matty definitely would have killed me.

She told me that she had a dream about me. A dream where I undressed her, I mean if that's not telling somebody that you're turned on by them I am not sure what is.

My cab arrives, I get in. As the cab drives off I consider how I'm going to play the situation after this nightmare.

I decide to let her make the moves for awhile. I will apologise in person and then it's up to her.