checkmate 010

<< m i s a o >>

TOSHIRO SEEMED TO BE IN A BAD MOOD.

Just this morning, he was extremely excited to celebrate my birthday but looking at him now, it seemed like his thoughts were somewhere else other than here. I wonder what's going on and I can't help but worry.

"Here Misao, your glass is empty let me pour you a drink." Saki offered with a big smile on his face then he proceeded to fill my cup with beer. Saki took his time to visit me right now to celebrate my birthday, which made me happy, and I can also see how delighted he is right now. He didn't change at all, as far as I can see, despite all those terrible things that happened in the past. I'm glad he didn't. He's a strong person, indeed.

I immediately looked at Toshiro, who was sitting across from me, when he gasped out of the blue. He has his eyes wide open and both of his hands covering half of his face as if he's trying to stop his thoughts from escaping through his mouth.

"Toshiro, are you okay?"

He stood up and said without looking at me, "Yeah. Uhm, Excuse me, I have to go to the toilet for a bit."

My eyes followed him until he's out of sight. I really wanted to reach out to him but I'm scared that will only make him even more uncomfortable.

"I can smell jealousy in the air…" Saki hummed close to my ear.

I snorted. "Your nose must be clogged Saki."

He suddenly started laughing, "But you'll be extremely happy if he really is, right? Jealous, I mean."

"So… you're purposely trying to make him jealous huh?" Keita chimed in. His face was beaming with enthusiasm that I refuse to acknowledge. Saki winked at Keita. I hate watching them enjoying this.

I sighed, "I don't think that will work, Saki."

"Why not?"

This time, Keita rose from his seat, "Let me check on Toshiro."

Before I could even stop him, he sprinted all the way to the comfort room following Toshiro. I have no choice but wait for them to come back.

Youjin leaned forward resting his right elbow over the table across from us, his cheeks were already flustered, "Aren't you curious, Misao?"

"I already tried that, Misao. And I tell you, that method sure was effective." Eisuke said nonchalantly as he gave Youjin a side-eye then a small smirk formed at the corner of his mouth.

"Of course, I'd be happy if he's really jealous but… I don't want the person that I cherish to have that kind of unpleasant emotion just to test his feelings for me."

"Awwww…" Saki sang while he poured himself a drink. "Why do I feel like I'm the one getting jealous?"

I rolled my eyes, "Stop it, Saki."

Saki ignored me by looking at his phone, and then he started giggling, "Look at this, such great intuition. Just like a woman's."

"I told you. Your boyfriend allowed you to attend your ex's birthday celebration, you should behave yourself."

"Ex?!" Youjin exclaimed, his eyes wide open. "You and Misao were lovers? And Saki-san has a boyfriend?"

"Well… Misao and I were lovers back in high school. Look, here's my boyfriend." Saki excitedly showed his phone screen to Youjin. "He looks so good~"

Youjin was staring hard at the screen, "Y-Yeah. He's looks so…cool."

"Right? Right?"

"Guys, they're coming back…"

Saki and Youjin immediately composed themselves and their faces that were filled with excitement just seconds ago were now replaced with a serious expression. They drank their beers at the same time.

I watched as Toshiro slipped himself into his seat. Looked like his mood turned to the worst; I wonder what Keita told him while they're at the comfort room.

"Are you okay, Toshiro? You're not drunk yet, aren't you?" Saki asked with a voice full of concern as he leaned a bit closer to me trying to meet Toshiro's eyes.

Toshiro glanced at me first then his eyes shifted to Saki, "Yeah. I'm fine."

He said he's okay but he proceeded to drink bottle after bottle. He's fond of drinking but more than just drinking, he likes to have fun chatting with everyone. He would always make sure that we have something to talk about. But this time, he was just sitting there drinking quietly, thinking about something that was causing him to make such a troubled expression.

'Could he be… jealous?'

It was just a passing thought. I tried not to get my hopes up all by myself. This is all Saki's fault.

I wanted to stop him from drinking too fast but I felt like I can't break into his wall right now, so the least I could do for him is to take him home later. There were times when our eyes would meet but he would just instantly avert his. Did I do anything he didn't like?

"Toshi—"

Suddenly, I heard loud sound of bottles breaking behind me and the sight of those shards of broken bottles sent an intense wave of fear into my whole being. The surge of overwhelming panic caused my heart to pound so hard it hurts my chest. That sharp pain travelled down to my arms, to my legs. It hurts so much I could no longer breathe, I tried so hard to take deep breaths but they all ended up sharp and swallow. My vision got darker and narrower as the dizziness intensifies with every second I stared at the broken glasses on the floor.

I can hear Saki's voice beside me but it sounded like distant inaudible gibberish coming from a radio without a clear reception. So I closed my eyes trying to calm myself down but instead the images of those times – broken glasses, my mom screaming and large pool of blood— that caused this disgusting trauma, flashed as if I'm reliving them again, for the thousandth time.

"M-Misao?"

Toshiro? No. Don't look at me right now. Don't look, I beg of you. I don't want you to see me like this. I… feel ashamed of myself.

'Please… Don't look at me…'

"I'm taking Misao outside to get some air." I felt Saki helping me to stand. "Let's go Misao. It'll be fine. I'm here."

'Thank you…' I wanted to tell him but my voice won't come out.

Saki and I left the pub and sat somewhere near. The feel of cold, fresh air calmed me down a tiny, tiny, bit. I could feel Saki's hand gently rubbing my back trying his best to soothe me down.

I heard him heaved a deep sigh, "I will never get used to this… you having panic attacks. You should refrain going to bars and pubs."

I raised my trembling hand in an attempt to tell him that it's fine.

"Your friends don't know about your condition? They all looked so clueless. What the heck?!"

"S-Saki… It's okay…" I paused, chasing my breath. "I-It's been so long si-since this happened…"

"I'm sure you didn't tell them because you don't want them to worry and to ask about your past but… what if I'm not here today? Who's going to help you? You should have told Toshiro at least." He spat in a frustrated rage but more than that, his worry was overcoming his anger.

"Are you okay, Misao?"

We both looked at the source of the familiar voice.

"He's fine now. Sorry about the commotion earlier. It's just, Misao's—"

I quickly reached out to stop Saki from saying things he should not say. I don't want Toshiro to know, at least not right now. If I started telling him this part of my story, the questions won't stop and I don't have the courage to lie to him or make excuses, I might end up telling him everything if he wants to. But my terrible past is something that nobody else should know. That's why it's better not to say anything at all from the start.

***

'I WANT TO STAY OVER TOO.'

I can't take my mind off Toshiro's face when he said that earlier. For a second, I waited for him to take it back and say he was just kidding. But the more I stared into his eyes the more I realized how serious he was, and how much he wanted to… stay over at my place.

On the way home, I tried to calm myself and find a reason why he would do this, the fact that he was not wasted tonight despite the number of bottles of beers he finished was a mystery to me. So that was undeniably not just a drunk talk. Or was it?

No. He was sober, at least. And at this very moment, he's sleeping soundly on the other side of that door. Saki too. What the heck is this situation?

I can't stop my mind from wandering. I can't fall asleep.

I'm really happy that I get to stay with Toshiro for a longer time than I used to spend with him, this is an unexpected present I have no idea how to accept.

Do I even deserve this?

I once turned again, now my back was facing the door. With my eyes shut close, I convinced myself that there's nothing to be hopeful about. It's not like with Toshiro staying over, something I truly desire will even happen.

What do I even desire?

What do I want to get from Toshiro?

The sound of my door slowly and quietly creaking open and then a soft thud as it closed immediately brought me back from my light drowse. I know, for sure, only Saki has the guts, more like stubbornness, to enter my room on his own accord. He used to do this too back then.

I pretended to be unconscious, waiting for him to speak or approach me. But a whole minute, and then two, had passed but still nothing from him. I could easily brush it off but I could feel him standing there, eyes boring into my back.

I let go of a deep sigh, "I thought I told you, you should stay in the living room. What are you doing here, Saki?"

"I see… Would you like it better if Saki-san's the one who enters your room?"

checkmate chapter 10 // end