Chapter 1: Throw it Back

Chapter 1: Throw it Back

My alarm going off woke me up and I was tired, but that's how it's been for the past five years ever since my mom left. She said she was coming back, but she never did. Ever since that day my father has been raping me and abusing me. I won't let him go anywhere near Hailey because I don't know if I'll be able to live with myself if he ever put his hands on her. Last night when my father got home from one of his companies big parties, he was drunk and more aggressive than ever. At this point I just let him do what he wants because when I was 17 I tried reporting him to the police, but since it was my word against his no one believed me, and they said I was only looking for attention so I gave up and didn't even bother going back no matter how much it hurts me.

"Hail, wake up, it's time for school." I got out of the bed to wake up Hailey for school. Hailey is my little sister and she's 13, but her birthday is at the end of the month. Sometimes it's hard to believe that she's the little one because she's an inch shorter than me, she's 5'5. I think that's pretty tall for a 13-year-old, and yet she's still growing. So imagine how tall she'll be when she's my age, she's going to be past my height because now that I'm 19 I won't be growing anymore.

"Cissy, I'm tired can I just stay home?" Hailey opened up her dark brown eyes rubbing them and looking up at me yawning.

"You know that you can't stay home, you have to finish school and graduate if you ever want to live on your own," I explained to Hailey, being that every night we talk about how bad we can't wait to get our own houses.

"That's not fair, why do you get to stay home every day, though?" Hailey ran her fingers through her messy brown hair, which we both seem to do often when we have a lot of problems going on in our minds.

"Because I graduated last summer and I'm finished with school, that's why." I was surprised through all the complications and abuse that I've been through that I managed to graduate from high school. I even graduated as valedictorian, I was at the top of the class. I never even told my father about my graduation because I didn't want him sitting there with a fake smile pretending like everything was perfect and that he was a good father. It was far from that, but I made sure that Hailey was there supporting me because she was the only family that I truly had. I had even got three full-ride scholarships to Harvard University, Duke University, and Stanford University. I mainly wanted to go to Duke and Stanford because I had got my scholarship for the women's basketball athletic program. I played basketball in high school and one day wanted to join the WNBA, but I wasn't going to leave Hailey here all alone so I turned them down. These are the types of sacrifices I had to make when it came to Hailey. Also, because it was never a thought of mine to leave Hailey with our father, I would've come back and who knows what could've happened to her. "Isn't Nate meeting us around the corner, though?"

"Oh he is, I forgot." Hailey jumped out of bed and her slim body figure ran to the bathroom.

Nate is Hailey's best friend, he is such a sweet and genuine kid, he usually always comes in the mornings to walk to school with Hailey and I. They have been best friends since they started the 6th grade and now they are seniors in middle school. They even applied for the exact same high schools together, I can't believe that Hailey is going to be starting high school already. It's unbelievable.

While Hailey was in the shower I got out her uniform from in the closet and ironed it. I made sure that when Hailey applied to a middle school that all of the schools had a uniform policy because it takes less time trying to figure out what to wear and it's less money that needed to be spent. I wish when I was applying to middle school someone would've given me the advice to go to a uniform school.

"All clean," Hailey said when she got out of the shower showing her pearly white teeth and shaking her head splashing water from her wet wavy hair.

"You just love to wash your hair." Hailey and I wash our hair like every other day because it relaxes us and keeps us cool.

"Just like my sister." Hailey blew me a kiss and started getting dressed. "Can you put a ponytail in my hair, I never do it tight enough so it always comes off," Hailey said with such an adorable smile.

"Of course, you know you don't have to explain yourself and I'll always do anything for you." With what we go through on a regular, I wouldn't mind going out of my way to make sure my little sister is happy or at least has a smile on her face. I know it's hard for her as well because she was so young when mom left and then I don't really let her communicate with dad, even though we live in the same house. Hailey pretty knows what's going on, not everything, but more than enough.

"Ok, I'm almost ready," Hailey said walking around the room in a circle clearly looking, for something which I'm guessing was her shoes since that was the only thing she didn't have on yet. "Have you seen-"

"They're in the living room, I'll get them for you when we go down."

"How'd you know what I was going to ask for?" Hailey asked sitting in front of me on the floor so that I could fix her ponytail.

"Your shoes are the only things you're missing." I started brushing Hailey's hair and grabbed a hold of it in my hand so that I could put it up for her. Hailey's phone beeped in her pocket.

"Nate said that he just left his house and that he'll be waiting at the usual spot," Hailey said with a smile on her face. Sometimes I wondered if she had a crush on him because of the way she acts around him, but whenever I tease her about it, she says that he's just her best friend. But seriously isn't that what they all say?

"Already? I didn't even get to make you breakfast yet."

"Don't worry about it, Nate said that his mom packed us both something for breakfast and lunch." I couldn't of have asked for a better best friend for my little sister.

"Have you ever met his mom?" I asked out of curiosity.

"No, I always come straight home after school. Remember? But apparently he always talks about me to his mom and dad so I guess they know the kind of person that I am. Can you hurry, though; I don't want to keep Nate waiting for us too long?" Hailey said opening up the room door and peeking her head outside to make sure our father wasn't anywhere nearby; she does such a swell job at avoiding the bastard. We don't even bother to call him dad because he doesn't deserve that title. He's nothing but a father, more like our sperm donor.

"When you get downstairs, wait for me by the back door while I get your shoes in the living room." I didn't want Hailey to go get it because there would be days where our father would fall asleep watching TV in the living room and if he was drunk he would think that Hailey was me and I would just have to kill him if he ever lays on hand on her.

"Be careful." Hailey whispered and then disappeared from the room. I grabbed my hoodie and made my way to the living room and of course there he was sleep on the lazy boy with an open beer can in his hand. I hated it when he drank at home and left all the cans sitting around because it's not a good example for Hailey. I tiptoed around the couch trying not to make any noise so that I didn't wake up my father. But of course, when I picked up my body from grabbing Hailey's shoes I hit my head on the table knocking all the beer bottles onto the floor. I quickly looked over at my father and he passed his fingers through his dirty blonde hair while his eyes were slowly fluttering open. Never taking my eyes off of my father I ran past, all the way to where Hailey was waiting for me.

"Hurry and put on your shoes," I said afraid that my father might come out angrily and then everything will turn for the worst.

"What happened?" Hailey asked with a concerned look on her face quickly putting on her shoes.

"I might've woke up father, while he was sleeping on the couch in the living room." Hailey didn't have to say anything because she knew. When she finished putting on her shoes I closed the door shut behind us, but not before checking to see if I had my keys. We silently started walking and once we got to the corner I saw Nate standing there waiting for us. "Isn't that Nate?"

Hailey picked up her head because she was looking down and when she saw him a smile lit up on her face and she ran to him. "Nate!" She jumped into his arms and he caught her smiling at her.

"Hey, there my favorite best friend." Nate still had Hailey in his hands spinning her around in a circle in the air.

"I'm your only best friend," Hailey said finally jumping down off of Nate and softly punching him on his arm. Did I forget to say that Hailey can be a little aggressive sometimes?

"Oh yeah," Nate said sarcastically and looked up at me reading me with his big green eyes when I stopped next to him. "Hi, Chelsie."

"Hi, Nate." I stared at him because it was still hard to believe that he is 14 years old. He had a very athletic build, 5'8 and weighed around 150 pounds. I guess it made sense since he played football. "Nate, can you tell your mom thanks for me, for everything she has done for Hail."

"Ok I will, it's no big deal, though. Speaking of my mom, Hailey, grab your breakfast and bagged lunch out of my backpack." Nate said

"Do you guys want to walk or should I drive?" For my 16th birthday, my father surprisingly got me a 2013 white BMW M3 coupe. I was surprised because the car is expensive, but he still got it for me it's not like he isn't a multi-millionaire anyway. He even helped me get my license and taught me how to drive it. I know how to drive automatic and stick shift now, but I barely go anywhere with my car. I had the idea in my head that when the time was right that I could run away with Hailey, but I got to scared that the car might have a tracker inside of it. So that idea went down the drain.

"Let's just walk, it's not like the school isn't right there," Nate said with a smile on his face. "Hailey while you're in my backpack can you also pass me my football?"

Hailey did as she was asked and started walking hand in hand with Nate, while I slowly walked behind them. I was glad that Nate was there to make Hailey happy when I couldn't. I sometimes want to ask Nate if Hailey can stay with him and his parents until I can get up on my feet and finally get her, but I don't know how long that's going to take and I really don't want to be a bother.

"Cissy, think fast," Hailey said snapping me out of my train of thought and I noticed a football flying in my direction that Nate threw at me. I quickly raised my hand and caught the football.

"Wow, you finally caught it," Nate said with a smile on his face. Normally every morning whenever Nate and Hailey noticed that I was thinking about something Hailey would get Nate to snap me out of my prolonged thinking. Hailey was such an amazing sister for that, and I appreciated her for it.

"If I didn't catch it, it would've hit me straight in my face." I waved the football in front of me, pretending that they couldn't see me. You can't see me. Is what I said to myself.

"Throw it back, Chelsie," Nate said to me clapping his hands trying to get my attention.

"That sounds so wrong," Hailey said with an adorable laugh making me crack a smile.

"Get your mind out of the gutter little one, Nate you are such a bad influence because she doesn't get these things from me." He put his hands up in surrender playing as the innocent one. "Go long."

Nate started running and his short light brown hair swayed with the speed of the wind. I positioned the football in my hand and looked at Nate to see where he was. I got ready to throw the ball fixing my stance and then I raised the ball up to my ear and released making sure I got the ball rolled off of my fingers. Nate jumped just in time to catch the ball.

"Your throw definitely has gotten better." Nate had taught both Hailey and me how to throw a football one-morning last year when I randomly asked him what was so good about football. He went on and on about the greatness of football. After that he had decided to teach us to throw, I caught on pretty fast, but I still preferred basketball over football.

"Thanks to you, but we're here." We stopped in front of the gate of the school and I placed a kiss on Hailey's forehead. "Nate make sure you take care of my little sister and that nothing happens to her."

"Don't I always?" Nate smiled up at me and grabbed Hailey's hand intertwining their fingers and walking inside the gate disappearing into the crowd.

"So cocky," I whispered to myself starting to slowly walk away because I wasn't in any rush at all to go home.

I took the long way home around the park, while I passed the park I saw a mom with her child and she was pushing her on the swing. The mother was probably in her early twenty's and the baby had to had just turned one because she was still tiny. I immediately started to think about my mom, even though I never told Hailey I'm so furious with our mother. Furious that she never came back for us, that she never even tried to contact us, that she left us in the first place because it's all her fault now that since she's gone that I'm the one that has to get her punishments.

I noticed that I was still staring at the mother and her child when a guy walked up to her placing a gentle kiss on her lips then taking the baby out of the swing. I shook my head and started walking away, I looked at the time and realized my father still had twenty minutes before he had to get ready to go to work.

I decided to keep on walking slowly and avoided going home until the time was right. I knew if I went home now that all hell would break loose since I had woke him up by accident earlier, so he would be cranky and take his frustration out on me like he does all the time. I hated it when he does that, but it's better me than Hailey so I just let it happen, that should've been the mentality of my mother before she decided to leave us. I bet that woman isn't even worried about us, but only her safety. I always wonder what I would do or say to her if I ever see her again because it's not like there's much that can happen since the damage has already been done.

When I turned the corner I bumped into a very muscular and athletic body figure and before I hit the floor the person that I bumped into caught me. "NO DON'T TOUCH ME!" I yelled never looking up at who the person, I was nervous about what was going to happen to me next. It's not even fair that I'm this paranoid and scared of people even outside of my home.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you." This stranger that was standing in front of me said and his dulcet tone embraced the air like the evening perfume of night flowers. I finally looked up at him and his blue eyes caught my attention. He looked like he was about 5'9 and I could tell that he was running and working out because his face was glimmering from the sweat that filled his face and he had on gym shorts and a t-shirt. From all the sweat, his t-shirt contoured around his body like a wet Kleenex and water dripped from his low cut light brown hair.

"I'm sorry, I should've been watching where I was going." I slowly backed away when I noticed that was still in his arms.

"It's not your fault, Rosie." I opened my mouth in shock at the name he just called me because that is the name that my mother had called Hailey when she was first born, but once Hailey turned five my mother never said the name again. She never told me what it meant by I thought it was the sweetest thing in the world.

"That's not my name." I was nervous and I was playing around with my fingers behind my back.

"Well, I don't know your name and Rosie seems to suit you well." He flashed a bright smile on his face and I noticed that he had such an attractive face and I couldn't stop admiring it.

"You don't even know me so how can you say that?" Tears started to form in my eyes and I quickly looked away not wanting any more attention.

"Don't cry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." He said when he noticed that I was about to start to cry.

"I have to go." I started running and tears dripped down my face as the wind blew in my hair.

"Rosie, come back I'm sorry." I could hear him yelling while running but I never stopped to look back or to acknowledge him or anything. I didn't see the point, it's not like anyone cared about me or anything. I kept running until I reached the door of my house. I slowly opened the door and sat on the floor with my back against the door panting heavily from the running that I just did. My attention was brought back to me when I heard footsteps approaching me. Shit!

"It took you long enough to get here." My father said grabbing me up from the floor by my neck and I looked up at his tall 6'0 figure scared out of my mind. I thought I would be used to his behavior by now but every time I was even more scared than the first. "Iron this for me." My father threw his suit at me and I caught it swiftly.

"Iron your own shit, I'm not your maid." I don't know why I just said that but clearly I have a death wish and it involves dying now.

"Little stupid bitch, if you don't iron my fucking suit right now, you're going to wish that you were never born." It's too late for that, I already wish I wasn't born.

"Yes, sir." I started walking, but I was stopped by a kick in the back and I went flying to the glass center table.

"WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY YOU HAVE TO CALL ME?" My father said grabbing me by the collar of my shirt looking me deep into my eyes and it felt like my soul was burning alive just from the gaze of his blue eyes.

"Mr. Gray, yes Mr. Gray," I said with tears running down my face. The second night that my father had raped me he had me start calling him Mr. Gray because it made him feel like he was the boss and in charge. He liked to feel like he was The Authority, I only thought it made him a bigger ass than he already is.

"Now get to ironing, bitch and stop all that whining." I noticed when my father was closer to me that he still wreaked of alcohol. It's like he eats, sleeps and talks that damn thing. Oh wait, he actually does. I don't know when was the last time he was fully sober.

I got up from the floor and ran off to my room with the clothes in my hand. I grabbed the ironing board and iron and started ironing making sure I perfectly ironed over every crease and wrinkle that filled up every article of clothing. I wanted to hurry though because the quicker I got it done than the faster my damn father can be out of the door.

When I finally finished ironing everything that I had to I quickly grabbed all the pieces of clothing and ran downstairs placing everything on the couch neatly and then running back upstairs to my room. I laid down with my phone in hand trying to figure out who to text, but I didn't have any other family or any friends. I used to have my best friend, Lexi, but a month after we graduated she stopped talking to me and blocked me from all social media. She never even gave me a reason it's like she disappeared from the face of the Earth and I didn't know why, she was such a sweetheart and I told her everything. So it made no sense at all that she just disconnected herself from my life.

There was a loud bang on my door taking me out of my thoughts. "OPEN UP THIS DOOR CIARA!" He didn't even have the decency to get my name right.

I opened up the door with an angry expression on my face. "Yes, Mr. Gray, how can I assist you at this moment?" I was sarcastic, I hated having to say that, but it always dodges the bullet from one extra argument.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?" My father had the three things that I just ironed in his hand holding it up to my face looking at it like it was a pile of horse manure.

"It's your three-piece suit that you asked me to iron so you can wear it to work?" I said it more like I was asking a question instead of actually telling him what it really was.

"No this is a piece of crap; how do you expect me to go to work in this shit? Clearly if you want something done, you have to do it yourself." My father punched me straight in my face hitting my eye and I fell back to the floor. I wasn't knocked out or anything because over the years my body has gotten accustomed to his punches, but of course, it still hurts like hell.

Aware of his next step the tears already started flowing. I noticed him approaching me, his eyes were smoldering like embers from a dying fire. I knew what that lusty look meant already and there was nothing I could do about it. "Please, father don't come closer."

But he walked my way anyways.

"Shut up." My father seized me up from the floor, yanking me from the hem of my shirt and with a tight grip around my waist, he pinned me down onto my bed. He hovered his 200-pound athletic body over my fragile 120-pound body. I tried to kick him off of me, but he then dropped his full weight on top of me biting my bottom lip and then forcibly pushing his tongue into the back of my mouth choking me critically. When I wouldn't stop crying he ripped off my clothes and unbuckled his belt revealing himself to me. He aggressively got on top of me again gripping onto my right thigh as he entered me putting down pressure with every stroke and thrust that he took. His other hand had a constricted grip around my neck and he just kept going faster and harder. He finally stopped when he was weary, but I still felt the ongoing pain and torture. "You little slut." My father exited my room with his clothes in hand and he slammed the door behind him.

This is the first time, he raped me in my room.

I couldn't move, I didn't want to move I wanted to sit here and close my eyes and pretend this is all a dream, but it wasn't. This is my life and the shit I have to go through at least twice a day or whenever, and it isn't right. I'm only 19 and my life is already over, no one will ever want me because I'm not pure. I can't even look at myself in the mirror, why would anyone else want to even look at me?

There was a soft knock on my door and my father entered the room with a superior smile on his face. He placed something on my dresser and walked up to me and started caressing my face. "I have to be at work until midnight, don't wait up for me." I wasn't planning on it. "I put one hundred dollars on the dresser make sure you get you and Hailey something for dinner." He placed a kiss on my forehead and walked out of my room. I hated it when the next minute he treated me like he didn't just **** me and torture me, he would leave me money and talk to me so sweetly that it would make me gag. I knew the money was more of a bribe to keep me quiet and to not go anywhere, but it's not like I could leave. I have no one to go to, that's the main reason why I stay because my father is my money.

I looked out of the window and watched my father pull off in his sky blue 2016 BMW M4 coupe. Apparently he has this thing for BMW's. I waited fifteen minutes to make sure he wasn't coming back. I got my phone and decided to text Nate, I needed a favor from him.

Me: Can you bring Hailey home for me? I can't pick her up today

I lied I just didn't want Hailey to see me like this, with a black eye and I just feel more depressed than ever and I can't even help myself. A buzz came through letting me know that Nate just texted me back.

Nate: Sure, what's wrong? Please tell me you're alright

Me: I'm fine, I just need a little time to, you know, "clean myself up"

I didn't have to tell Nate anything further he already knew that "clean myself up" was our code for that I'm actually not great at all.

Nate: Ok, is it alright if I actually bring her to my house? My mom is still dying to meet her.

Before I had time to reply another text came in from Nate.

Nate: Nvm, I don't know why I asked. I already know the answer to that

Me: She can go, just bring her back home before 6

Nate: Are you serious?

Me: Yes

Nate: Thanks! :)

Usually, I wouldn't let Hailey go anywhere, but straight home. It's about time that Hailey got a break and I knew Nate long enough to trust him to get my sister there and back safely. She's in good hands. I got up and turned my phone off and started running a bath for myself. I grabbed my blade from inside the cabinet before stepping into the tub. The water was extremely hot that it could burn me alive, but I didn't care because I need to wash away all my impurities. Sitting in the tub, I passed the blade on my arm and with each cut I said things to myself in my head.

I'm worthless.

I'm insignificant.

I want to die.

There's no point in living.

No one cares about me.

No one loves me.

I'm scared, but I'm always scared that he might come back here because he's not finished and hungry for more. I dropped the blade out of my hand and brought my knees up to my face, rocking back and forth in the tub, looking around frightened.