12 Doubt

Once again I find myself surrounded by white. A lot of white. My head pounding like crazy. Please, don't tell me that I died again. Not now, I don't want to leave Kii. Please don't take me away from her. I don't want us to be separated. Kii, she was hurt. What about her? Please god. Please Ether, don't tell me that she died but if she did then I don't mind being died again. But please don't make me reborn without her. My life won't have any meaning without Kii in it.

I feel the air shifted as I saw myself. Or more precisely I saw Arzen. He was dancing, not with Kii but with the pink girl. They look content and happy. I saw them together time and time again. He was bringing her to the infirmary, he was talking with her in the garden. He was helping her study in the library. He was talking to Kii coldly while holding that pink thing in his arms. What the hell?. Did I went crazy?. No, it wasn't me, I refuse to call him, me. It must be him before he becomes me. Is that make sense? Does he become me? I heard a fickle of their conversation. The pink thing was telling him that she never meet anyone as nice as him and she feels blessed to have the chance to know him. And he? I? was looking at her tenderly? Tenderly?! No! Don't show that kind of expression to anyone but Kii, you fool! The images of him and pink girl go on and on until they both got engaged? Or was it wedding?.

Okay... Okay god. I understand. Is that supposed to be my future? You said I free to choose how I live but now you show me that the girl I want is not the one that will be my future girl? Not cool man! If it is really going to be my future, if it is actually her but not Kii that is going to stay at my side, then I have no other choice but to ask you this.

Please, let me die!

I never know I was this soft. I used to be strong and not dependable to anyone. I used to be okay living without a woman I called a loved one. But after having Kii in my life, I don't think I can go back to that time anymore. My heart is breaking for just witnessing myself standing without her. I can't imagine what would I feel if I have to experience it. No, dying will be the best choice. Who knows maybe this time I'll finally be reunited with Sabo.

As I forlornly looking at him who was once again dancing with that pink thing, the scenes shift again. It was a dark place, I saw a small form sitting by themselves. I saw myself approaching it. Getting closer, I recognized that form. How can I'm not? I used to hold that form in my arms and kiss her every morning. It was Kii. Why was Kii in a prison?

I saw myself talking to her which she ignored. Kii never ignored me. I saw myself shouted harshly to her before I left. Kii was looking at my retreating form with a cold expression as if I didn't matter to her. I don't like it. This Kii looks so alone. I sat beside her. She doesn't react. Her eyes missing its sparks, she gazes to the distant expressionlessly as if she is not actually here. What happened to you, Kii?

The scenes occurred continuously. I visited her, talked to her, she ignored me and I shouted at her. What in the world is happening? I see myself come every night just to repeat the same things. Until one night... That bastard! The fucking bastard! Leave her alone, you good for nothing bastard!

I shouted and shouted and shouted at him to leave her. I begged to the keeper to just please help her, can you see, she doesn't want it? No one heard my voice. I tried to punch him, kick him, burn him, anything to make him let Kii go. Nothing I can do. My body just passes through them. I am aware that I'm crying. Why did you hurt her? I feel so helpless. It's as if I saw Luffy, oyaji and my family once again, try to save me while I was tied up and unable to do anything. Luffy was strong. Oyaji was strong. My family was strong. But this Kii was not. It was bad enough to see someone hurt her. It's worse when it was actually me or supposed to be me, or my face or whatever that was hurting her. You scoundrel bastard! Fucking scumbag! I'll kill you! I will kill you, you bastard! For heaven sake, what has she done to deserve this? Kii is... Kii is the sweetest being you will find anywhere. She wouldn't even hurt a fly.

I begged her forgiveness repeatedly as she curled to herself and cry. My Kii, god my Kii. I want to hold her. I want to tell her that I will never let this happen. I want to comfort her that this was just a nightmare. Oh god, I do hope this is just a nightmare. I want to promise her that I'll protect her, but how can I, when it was actually me that hurt her? Kii, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was useless. I wasn't able to do anything. If this is the future going to be, I will rather die. Please just kill me and save her from this much suffering. I'll trade my life for her happiness. Please just save her.

I can't bear to see her like this. Each day she seems more empty. She was just there but not there. There is not even a scratch left of my Kii in her. My Kii is quiet but never this cold. My Kii's eyes have beautiful sparks on it. Sometimes curious, sometimes excited about finding or learning new things. My Kii is not this sad and lonely. Just what had happened, Kii? How did I do this to you? I lie beside her every night which feel like an eternity, as she stares blankly at the ceiling. I feel like she would disappear if I leave her off my sight.

Then that pink thing comes with Midori. How dare she! She was gloating and talking nonsense to Kii. There is no way I will love her. What was I, no, it was Arzen, wasn't it? What was he thinking? Even people without eyes can see that Kii is better than that pink thing! As they left, I saw Kii smile for the first time. It wasn't a nice smile. It was a sad and lonely smile. Her tears were dropping on her cheeks like a gloomy rain. Her hands were gripping the vial that Midori threw at her. I was scared. I feel my hands and my body shaking. No, please no. Tell me that I'm wrong.

"Don't" I heard the keeper told her.

Still crying, she looked at him and gave him a sad smile. Then she lied on her bed.

"Kii, no. Kii, listen to him please! Kii, I beg you. Please don't." I tried to talk to her. She, of course, didn't hear me and drank it.

I'm not a stranger to pain. But this pain might be enough to kill me. Kii, am I still allowed to say that I love you? Am I just a bad thing for you. You're the best thing I ever have in my life. But I hurt you. Will you happier without me?

I don't know how long I've to lie there after Kii and all the scenes go. My eyes are still burning and they're wet. I want to shout, to curse, but my throat seems to stop working. I'm just sprawling here in all whiteness alone. Maybe I should just stay here. Will it able to keep kii safe?

"of course not, you idiot!" a voice told me. It sounds familiar.

"if you want to protect something, you should be there to protect it," said another voice on my other said. This voice also seems familiar.

"but I was the one that hurt her. How can I protect her?" I told the voices.

"You're telling me that if you go back there you will do the same as what you've seen?" said the first voice again

"Silly Ace, of course, you won't," the second voice said confidently.

I take a look at myself. I noticed that I am Portgas D Ace again and not Arzen Ace Fern Rhein. There, laying on my right is Luffy. He gave me a big grin. I look at my left, heart beating hard. I got the feeling I know who the person laying on my left is. I am right. It's Sabo. A grown-up Sabo. Hands pillowing his head. Same blond hair. Same blue eyes. He even has that napkin things on his neck. The only difference is the scars on his face.

"Yo. Long time no see, Ace" he said

"Hahaha" I can't help but laugh. "am I dead?" I ask him.

"Idiot. Of course not. Listen, she needs you. You see what happened without you there, Ace. Be a man and go get your girl" he told me.

I look at him strangely "I was the one that hurt her" I reminded him

"You're so silly. We told you that you're wrong. You won't hurt her" Luffy said.

"But how can you know that I won't?" I asked them.

"because we know you," Luffy said

"because we're brothers and as Luffy said, we know you Ace. Even better than you know yourself. When you love someone, it's in your nature that you'll protect them as best as you can. You won't do something like that." Sabo continues.

"I'm a pirate. I do bad things" I told them.

"That is the point," Luffy said

"You're a pirate. If that were you and you love her but you have to be with someone else while she was in prison. What will you do?" Sabo asked me before I had a chance to be confused.

"burst her out there and go as far as away from that place," I told him without thinking.

"if anyone gets in your way?" Sabo continued again.

"Kick their ass!" I answer

"see?" Luffy said

I look at him inquiringly. Not understand what he meant.

"That what you would do. Not those things there. So you will be fine Ace. Ace is my big brother after all. Ace will protect her" Luffy said with his big grin.

"To think that the day will come when my idiot little brother giving me advice" I mused.

"Hey!" Luffy argued.

"So like I said, be a man and go there and get your girl. You're gonna be fine. Those things won't happen. You will protect her" Sabo said after he finished laughing at us.

"what if it wasn't me that she loves? What if it was him? I'm wearing his face after all" I tell them again

"Does it matter how you look?" Sabo asked with a raised brow.

"Ace is Ace however you look like," Luffy adds again.

"hear, hear" Sabo continue with a laugh.

I look at him "I miss you. I'm sorry for not getting you out that day" I said.

"I miss you too, Ace. I'm sorry I wasn't there to save you that day" he told me.

"Nah, Luffy was there," I told him while glanced at Luffy.

"I failed," Luffy said softly

"you were not," I told him firmly.

"you died"

"if it was to protect you, I'll gladly die, again and again, Lu. You're my baby brother. Don't forget that. Beside I meet Kii because of that, didn't I? I live a happy life here. I hope both of you are also happy" I told them.

"Don't worry about us. We're living to the fullest every day" Sabo told me

"yeah. So you too have to live to your fullest, Ace" Luffy adds

I smile at them with a new determination "I'm glad you both are here" I told them

As my consciousness slowly come back to me I heard they say "We're always with you, Ace"

I was laying on a bed. I glance around and concluded that I'm in an infirmary. Memories slowly catching up to me. Ah, the test, the training, the spell hitting Kii. God, Kii. I immediately try to get up but as I do, my head feels like it was split into two then a bunch of needles pricking it. I groan. Slowly trying to pull my body off the bed. I notice Kii is laying on the bed beside me. Thank god, she is okay. I stand beside her and caressed her hair. She is here. She is alright. I then remembered what I did to her in that dream? Was it dream? It feels real. I pull my hand back. No, I have no right to do that. I hurt her. I feel my eyes burn as I slowly, painfully, move away from her. I don't want to hurt her again.

I bump into Aoi on my way. I'm aware I'm crying.

"please protect her," I told him

He doesn't say anything. Just let me go with a strange face. I hear him run to Kii's room. Aoi is there. Kii is going to be fine. I continue to go to my room wobblily. It is actually Lexy's but it's mine now. He lost the bet so we traded.

I lied on the bed. One hand cover my face. I lied there for hours. My brain stops functioning. What do I do now? Even after the talk with Lu and Sabo I still can't shake this doubt in my heart. Am I the right one for Kii. I love her but am I still allowed too? I'm the one that hurt her in the future. Hmm, in the future? I feel like I've forgotten something. My head can't think straight. No, I can't think at all. The point is I hurt her. This face is the one that... Wait... the face? This face wasn't mine, was it? I don't look like this, originally. What did I forget?

This life that you will have, Ace, has been lived before

Ether's voice echoed in my head. At that reminder, my brain finally turning again.

My life will be intertwined with them, he said. The one with a past life, the one with the wish and the memento.

Kii was the memento, wasn't she?

That wasn't a dream. Time has been reset. It was memories, wasn't it? The question is whose memory? It can't be mine. It also can't be Arzen's. Before I am born into this body, it belongs to someone else. It was Arzen's. The original Arzen's body. What did I saw there was Arzen? Was it Kii's past memories?

I'm sure Aoi is the one that wishes to reset the time. If Kii has been suffering like that, of course, Aoi would want to come back and save her. It also will explain his hatred for me. For Aoi, I wasn't Ace, but the prince who hurt his sister. That is if Aoi knew the truth.

So that meant that that girl who talks about game and heroine is the one with past life? The one that makes ripples in this world? If I'm not mistaken, Ether said that she thinks that this world is the game world because of its similarities. I knew she was bad news. Wait, that's mean that the first scenes I saw were what happened in the game? It will explain her attitude towards me. Does she think that I will fall in love with her like in those scenes? She must be crazy.

It's different, isn't it? Everything is different. This life is not a game. This world is not a game world. I am Ace, not Arzen. I'm a pirate, not a prince. I'm in love with Kii. I... want to see Kii.

I get up from the bed hurriedly. I flung the door open with a bang. I want to get to Kii as fast as possible and immediately halted myself. Kii is walking wobblily towards me. Am I dreaming again? She paused at the noise I made.

"Ace-kun," She said softly when her eyes found mine. Then dashed towards me. I hold her tight as she buried her face in my chest.

"Kii..." I whispered. Unable to say anything else.

I never imagine that our first time will be like that.

Kii was trembling in my arms. I took her inside and let her sit by the bed.

"I had a scary dream. Ace-kun was there but it wasn't like Ace-kun. I was there as well but I fell like I wasn't me either. I was so scared, Ace-kun was... Ace-kun was..." she was unable to finish. I knew then that she also saw the same thing that I viewed. I closed my eyes and held her tighter.

"after I woke up I just want to see Ace-kun. I really want to see Ace-kun." she continued.

"I'm here," I told her. "I'm sorry I left. I was afraid I would hurt you. Again." I said.

"you also have the same dream?" she said looking up at me. "then you knew," she said at my nod.

I nodded again.

"I see," she said.

"I'm sorry Kii. I'm so sorry." I told her.

"why are you apologizing?"

"I just feel like I have to. No, I know I have to. Even if it wasn't me in that dream but at the same time, it was me. It doesn't make sense but you're hurt, kii. Because of me."

She put her hand on my face. She whispered something that makes my heart squished.

"Ace-kun... Touch me" she said.

I opened and closed my mouth several times, trying to find something to say.

"Kii, I couldn't possibly..." I trailed.

"is it because I'm already dirty?"

"Kii, you're not dirty" I rest my temple on hers "don't you remember what I, what he did in that dream? I don't want to hurt you like him, Kii." I explained.

"but it was because of that I want you to touch me. He scares me. Even though it wasn't me that he touches, I feel my body shaking when I remember. I'm scared. I'm so scared. I can't forget it. What I saw he did to me. No, to her. I only witnessed it but I feel as if it was me that he touches. It's as if I can feel his hand all over me. I'm, I'm scared. I'm so scared. I want to make it go away." she said with a trembling voice.

"Kii..."

"he looks like Ace-kun. He was Ace-kun but he was not. I'm scared of him. But I love Ace-kun. I don't want to be scared when I see Ace-kun. I don't want to remember that when I see Ace-kun's face. I love Ace-kun. I don't want to be scared of Ace-kun. So, touch me. Please touch me. Not like how he touched me. Touch me like how do you want to touch me. Give me a new memory. Give me a new feeling of how you are touching me."

I was speechless. "I love you as much. I love you very very much. I don't want you to regret it, Kii." I finally said.

"I want to stay by Ace-kun side. I want to go on adventures like Ace-kun said we will go. Ace-kun and All I have now, I don't want to lose it. Especially not because of a dream that was not actually real."

"you have no idea how much I've been wanting you, how long I've been waiting. But Kii, I never want it to be like this. You're young. I want you to grow up more. I want you to stay untouched by my desire a bit longer. To enjoy your youth without the burden of my impulse."

"but I can't be like that anymore" she whispered

"but you can't be like that anymore" I agree.

My head was still resting on hers. Her face was so close to me. I can see her long eyelashes as she blinked at me.

"last chance. Are you sure?" I whispered.

"I'm sure" she whispered back. I kissed her then.

It was not only her first time but also my first time. I honestly don't have any idea how to do it without hurting her.

It was tentative. Full of cautions. She was scared and trembling in my arms even as I lead her down. Even as I undress her. I let her come first before I put mine inside her. I want her to be less scared. It wasn't pleasured that we were after, it was to heal her. It was to heal me as well. I might not admit it but I was also scared to face her. I also worried that she would be scared of me. She was brave. Instead of avoiding me, she faces me head on. And she said that she loves me. That was also her first confession.

I caress her hair as she lies on my chest and playing with the sweats on my arm.

"the boy was dead, wasn't he?" she asks all of sudden

"Hm?" I question

"the boy in the story. He died" she answers

"how do you know?"

"I saw him chained to the wall. He looks bad"

"you saw?"

"uh-huh" she answered

Wait... How did she saw that? Ah, I was able to see her past memories, I'm sure it was her past memory that we saw. Not that I'm telling her. Something better left unknown. Of course, it is also possible for her to see my past memories as well.

"I'm sorry. I'm guilty" her voice said. Wait for what? I was zoned, I don't know what she is talking about.

"guilty of?"

"when Ace-kun asks me to close my eyes and feel Ace-kun. To think of Ace-kun. It was his face that comes up for a moment"

"that's why you opened your eyes"

"Uh-huh. I'm sorry"

"How is he looks like?"

"he has cute freckles"

"cute? You think it's cute?"

"Uh-huh. His smile is also cute. But then I saw him dead. He was protecting someone. I feel proud of him but my heart feels so painful because of his death. Why did he die?"

"he was going to be executed because the world found out that he was the son of the demon king. His brother and his family come to save him. He still dead though. But he didn't regret it because he dies protecting his little brother. His only regret is that he was putting his family in danger."

"he was about to be executed because of his father? Not because of his crimes? You said he was a criminal."

"Uh-huh. But being his father-son in apparently more dangerous than any of his own crimes."

"that's not fair. Why does who his father's important? He should be seen just as who he is"

I feel warm hearing her saying that.

"so you imagine him when I asked you to think about me only?"

"Uh-uh... His Raven hair and his tanned body is..." she trails

"Hm?" I urge

"his body is..." she mumbles

"I don't catch that?" I said. Why did she say?

"...mumble...mumble..."

"still don't get it," I said

"attractive" she whispers very very softly.

I blink, attractive? Did I hear that right? She said I have cute freckles and cute smile. I prefer cool but called cute by Kii is, well, it's an exception so it's okay. Now she said I have an attractive body? I can't help but grin. She likes me.

She yelped as I flipped her over.

"you like me, er him, you like him," I say

"wha, what?" she said blushing hard

"how was his body again?" I teased

"Ace-kun!" groans and cover her face.

"and you're blushing" I state.

I take her hand away. "Kii, tell me. You like him, Huh?"

She turns her head to the side. Still quiet.

I turn her face to look at me "you haven't answered" I said. I know I'm still grinning.

She mumbles again. Her face is reddened more. "Kii," I said

"I... might be thinking... that... he is.. he is good looking and... " she gulps as she trails again

"and?" I urge more

"and captivating"

"captivating?"

"irresistible"

"oh?"

"desirable"

By now my grin is must be already as big as Luffy's or even bigger.

"desirable" I whisper. Heard her says that make mine throbs again.

"don't say it. It's embarrassing... Why are you so happy?"

She looks so adorable right now. I capture her lips, unconsciously pressing my body into her. She made an "oh" sound as she feels me harden against hers. Damn, I lose myself for a moment, I almost force her as he did. I open my mouth to apologize but she looks into my eyes. She saw it on my face and know I was about to say sorry. She pulls me down to her and kisses me. I fully lost myself then.

Our afterglow was tense if it was not for her talking about my past self, it would stay tense like that. But because we talked about it, I knew she found past me attractive, desirable she said, which make me damn smug. Yeah, you can mock me. Go on. And so, just like that, our first night also becomes as amazing as I imagined it would be.